Leaving The Pieces Behind

by R. M. Demeester

  “Everyone has bad days,” she said finally.

  I turned to look at her.

  “I can see it,” she said. “I didn’t want to say anything, but I want you to know you’ve been heard.”

  “Thanks,” I replied meekly.

  “Today I’m going to keep you on preparation instead of till. Then hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.”

  I tried to object, but Zina walked over and placed her hand on my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry about your mom, and I’m sorry about your relationship problems with William. I’m sorry you feel abandoned. I understand.”

  I formed a half-grin. “I’m trying not to let it show.”

  Zina replied. “I’ll give you my number and after work hours, feel free to contact me at any time if you need to talk.”

  My spirit lifted a little. Instead of reprimanding me or telling me to suck it up like I’d heard from others, she offered to help. Even if it was just a listening ear, it was nice.

  “Thanks so much. You don’t know how much that means.”

  “Now take a few deep breaths and let’s get this order done before the six o’clock shift gets here.”

  I nodded.

  The dread weighing on my chest began to evaporate. All I needed to do was get through the shift. I could go home and relax, text William, and text Zina.

  Soon the next shift arrived. I kept to myself like I did most mornings. I managed to finish what I needed to.

  “Ginni, you’ll be on till today,” Zina said.

  “What?” He stared at her for a moment.

  “I’m changing things up today. You’ll be on till. Serenity and Lee will be preparing the bread for the weekly school order, and the rest of us will prepare the soup kitchen order.”

  Ginni grumbled something but complied.

  After we got our assignments, I switched stations which was now on the opposite side from where I normally worked beside Lee. He was an older man probably in his late-forties, short, and he spoke broken English. He was quiet but nice enough.

  He pointed to a large bowl. “I already add the flour. You take it from here. Okay?”

  I nodded. I pulled out the recipe for the white bread. It had been a while since I made it. A little refresher was needed. I scanned the ingredients and instructions.

  “We need to get these rising quickly,” he said.

  I nodded. “Once I do a few, the others will fly right by.”

  Lee grinned and said nothing more.

  After the first two batches, I finally got the hang of it. The change of pace and the lack of a sickeningly sweet scent was amazing. I thought about the different kinds of bread I could make. Whole wheat, rye, swiss bread. I wondered if William would like homemade bread. He loved the donuts and cinnamon buns I made. Maybe that was what I would do for our next date: I’d buy the ingredients on my next payday and make him some homemade bread. It didn’t take a lot to make him happy, and the way to his heart was definitely through his stomach. He loved food. I started thinking about what else I could make, maybe a stew with some whole wheat dinner rolls to accompany it.

  The remainder of my morning flew by without a hitch. When one o’clock finally rolled around, Zina and I ditched work.

  “Are you in a better mood?” Zina asked me as she stood several feet away from the front door.

  “Yeah.” While a little lingering sadness swirled around me, I had managed to pacify myself. “It just had been a rough few days. I’m not emotional like that. I just don’t know what came over me.” A part of me appreciated her concern, but I was embarrassed nonetheless. I didn’t want to look weak. Weakness was what people prayed on, took advantage of. But not Zina. Besides William, Zina was the second person who I had been able to be vulnerable with in a long, long time.

  “Why don’t we take a walk?” she suggested.

  I nodded. “All right.”

  We walked in the direction of my home.

  Zina broke the silence first. “I’m all ears if you want to talk. You mentioned something about your mother?”

  A dark cloud swarm over me again. “I hadn’t seen her in months. She lives in another state. We talked occasionally on the phone.”

  “It must be hard not seeing her often, correct?”

  I glanced away for a second before making eye contact with Zina once again. “It’s complicated.” Mom and I were like same sides of two magnets: always repelling from one another. We tried, and no matter what our relationship was shitty.

  “She…” I trailed off. I wasn’t sure what to say to Zina about my mother. Lately, Zina had contained all the qualities I wished Mom had.

  “I was estranged with my mother right up to her death last year.” Zina frowned for a moment.

  “I’m sorry.” No other words felt right to say. It was the truth, and I understood it. “I’ve been estranged from my own mother for years. I’ve tried to reconnect with her but she keeps letting me down.”

  Zina placed her hand on my shoulder, a sign of reassurement, at least for me. “Sometimes we just have to lower our expectations. I don’t know your situation, but for me I tried to force some kind of bond with my own mother that just wasn’t there. She was always distant. When she got sick and went to the hospital, I visited her. I sat with her. During her moments of consciousness, we just sat and stared at one another. I read the morning paper to her. It was the staple of her morning routine. I put our differences aside and accepted things for what they were.” Zina stopped in front of a chain-link fence. “You’re so young, Serenity. You remind me so much of my daughter. Smart, kind, and so full of love.”

  I smiled. “Thanks.” My body filled with warmth. “Thanks for the pep talk. It was what I needed.”

  Zina chuckled. “Now that you’re smiling, how are you and William doing?”

  My shoulders slumped. “All right. But I think I made a mistake.”

  “Now, now. I’m sure it’s not too bad.”

  “He told me he loved me, and I couldn’t say it back. I froze.” I let out a labored breath. “I care about him. But he looked so sad. We haven’t texted as much lately.”

  “You didn’t make a mistake, love.”

  “Then why does it feel like I did?”

  “No one is saying you don’t care about him. No one is saying you don’t have feelings for him. Those three little words are a big deal. The time will come when you will say them and mean them.”

  I nodded. I had been thinking about that night over and over again. The rejection he must have felt injected me with so much guilt. I shouldn’t have felt guilty, but I did. He was a good guy — the best I ever had — but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to say those damn words. Those damn three little words. So many times when I told someone I loved them, they stabbed me in the back. They took advantage of me.

  But William was different. Maybe it was time to break the last piece of the barrier guarding my heart.

  “Thanks, Zina. I just need to stop overthinking it. I overthink every little thing instead of just accepting things as they are. I need to accept things as they are, and I need to accept my relationship as it is.”

  Zina smiled but didn’t say anything. Letting go, I thought. I had to let go. I had to accept Mom wasn’t capable of being there for me. I had to accept that I wouldn’t have the kind of relationship with Dayton and Harmony as I pictured in my head growing up. All those kids I used to envy who went home with their parents, walking with their siblings all smiles. I never had that with my family and it was time to accept that I never will.

  “Here, Serenity.” Zina handed me a piece of paper. “My number. Text me anytime. I have to run some errands. Talk to you tomorrow?”

  “Talk to you tomorrow.”

  Zina headed for the bus stop as I made my way back toward my house. When I reached the front steps, I stopped and sat down on the stoop. I pulled out my cell.

  What are you doing tonight? I texted William.

  Not much! he texted back a few minutes la
ter.

  I was thinking about you.

  Me too. I smiled at the heart emoticon he sent along with it.

  I sat for a few more minutes on the steps and enjoyed the refreshing air before heading inside. I flopped down on my bed, remembering the conversation I had with Zina. She was right. I put too much thought into expectations. I pulled out my phone and re-read the text my mom sent me that morning: I give up. I won’t call you again.

  She had been attempting to apologize, but I wouldn’t let her in. I couldn’t force her to be there for me any more than I could force a relationship with her.

  I accept things for what they are, Mom.

  I didn’t expect a response.

  My phone vibrated again. Another text from William. Finally, I get a free moment. Today has been hectic. How was yours? I can’t wait to see you.

  I smiled. I look forward to it. XOXO

  XOXO, he texted back.

  I turned on my side and texted the number Zina gave me. Any good recipes for great dinner rolls?

  Chapter 10

  I lay on my bed texting William, like I did every morning on my day off, when there was a knock on the door. “Serenity.”

  I exhaled a breath. “What?” Even after getting to know Sophia on a more personal level she still had a way of bothering me.

  “Someone’s at the door for you.”

  “William?” I asked.

  “No. He didn’t say who he was, but he told me to tell you it’s urgent.”

  Without responding, I dragged myself out of bed. Maybe those few calls from unknown numbers I’ve been receiving the past few days were from the same person standing at my front door.

  I swiftly walked down the hallway. Who could it be? I wasn’t expecting anyone, and Sophia said “he.” When I reached the front door, Sophia stood by staring at me, her old nosy self. Eventually she ambled away but was still snooping within my sight. I walked outside.

  Outside by the tree “he” stood. My heart sped up. “What are you doing here?”

  My brother Dayton turned to stare at me. My lip curled, and my face grew hot. It took every ounce of my being not to yell.

  “Hey, Serenity.” His voice was low and uncertain.

  I wouldn’t fall for his sob-story this time. “What do you want? And why aren’t you still in jail? Who bailed you out this time?”

  Dayton shrugged. “No one.”

  “Are you sure you didn’t guilt Mom into bailing you out?”

  I backed away from him with a shudder.

  Dayton frowned. “Yeah, as if she’d ever bail me out. She was never there for us then and she sure as hell wouldn’t be there for me now.” He mumbled something else, but I couldn’t hear, nor did I care. I stood there at a loss for words.

  “Then how did you get out of jail?” I asked. “Are you on the run? Didn’t you steal a car or something?” I looked up and down the street expecting to see some run-down piece idling by the curb.

  He pulled at his collar. “How did you know?”

  I shook my head. “Why does it matter?” I glanced away, choking on the overwhelming anger forming inside me. Dayton tried to walk toward me, but I backed away farther. “Stop. Why are you here? What do you want?”

  “I need your help.”

  My heartbeat was pounding out of my chest. Not literally, but pretty damn close. “Fuck off.”

  I turned to head back to the house. I didn’t have time for this. I had no time for him. He was a leech, and he’d never change. He’d never fucking change. He’d keep taking and taking and taking until he bled me dry. Then he’d toss me aside as he did before.

  He caught up and tapped me on the shoulder. “Serenity, wait. Please.”

  I nudged him off and proceeded inside, slamming the door behind me.

  “Who was that?” Sophia demanded.

  “Nobody.”

  I sighed and headed back to my bedroom. I had no time for his drama. I didn’t know how Dayton had managed to get himself out of jail or whose phone he was using to call me, but I wanted no part of any of it. If he came to apologize or pay back the money he owed me, I’d entertain his stupid drama maybe. Just the thought — the audacity of him asking me for money — who did he think he was?

  I picked up my phone as a way to distract my roiling mind.

  There was a text from William. What are you up too?

  I pondered burdening him with my problems with my brother. I did mention to William briefly about how my brother ditched town after I bailed him out of jail. Dayton’s level of entitlement made me seethe.

  My brother showed up, and I told him to leave.

  More like I didn’t give him a choice, I thought but didn’t text.

  Isn’t he in jail? William replied.

  That is what I thought. But he’s out. How I don’t know. But I don’t want to see him right now. I took a deep breath and shot him another text before he could respond. Do you want to catch a movie or something? I really wouldn’t mind getting out of this house.

  He quickly replied, I just finished up with some paperwork for work on Monday and was about to ask you if you wanted to hang out. I’ll stop by right now, if you’re ready.

  I am ready. XoXo

  Okay, see you soon.

  I shoved my phone in my pocket. Knowing Dayton, he’d be relentless and try to come back to harass me some more, only I wouldn’t be here if he tried. Maybe today would be the day I spent the night at William’s. We came close to a sleepover before, but it just never happened for one reason or another.

  I was determined that I wouldn’t let Dayton ruin my day. I had little extra money left over from last week’s check, and I intended to have a good day with William. He and I were like two peas in a pod. Things had smoothed over, and after my talk with Zina life had been so freeing. At least until today. Free-loading brothers didn’t help the case.

  Entering the living room, I plopped down beside Sophia. “If he comes back, tell him I’m not home.”

  Sophia stared at me. “He’s still out there.”

  I took a deep, laboured breath. “Doesn’t he take a hint?”

  “Who is he?”

  I exhaled again. “My brother.”

  “You really don’t get along with your family, do you?”

  I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but I didn’t. It wasn’t her fault my family sucked. “We’re estranged. And my brother only ever comes along when he needs something.”

  “Did you tell him to leave?”

  I shrugged. “He’s relentless. But luckily, I won’t be around soon to deal with him. So if he gives you any troubles, just call the police.” I stood and stretched.

  She eyed me. “Where are you going?”

  I managed a smile. “William and I are going to a movie.”

  Sophia smirked. “Is that all?” She winked.

  “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  Sophia glanced out the window. “You’re boyfriend is here.”

  I turned to stand. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “How are you going to get out there without confronting your brother?” she asked as I made my way to the door.

  That was a good question. Do I wait until William comes to the door, or do I just run out there, hop in the car, and tell him to drive?

  Before I could worry about it anymore, Sophia answered my question. “Well, looks like William is getting out his car.”

  “Shit! I better go.”

  She stared at me sympathetically. “Have a good day.”

  “You too.”

  The doorbell rang, and I quickly answered it.

  “Hey.” He smiled.

  I hugged him, and we kissed. “Ready?” My limbs shook a little.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “But turns out my brother hasn’t left and is lurking.”

  “Is he the one wearing all blue?”

  I nodded.

  He held my hand. “We’ll make a break for it.”

 
I closed the door just as Dayton came from the neighbor’s front lawn and walked to our front porch. “Serenity,” he said but stopped cold when William and I stepped onto the grass. He stared at William, brushing his hand through his shaggy brown hair. “Who’s this?”

  “Never mind. Don’t you have someone else you can harass?” I took William’s hand and urged him to keep walking.

  William obliged without saying a word.

  “What is your problem, Serenity?” Dayton asked. “I said I was sorry.”

  I stopped in my tracks and turned toward my brother. “You never apologized to anyone in your entire life. Now go.”

  William wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

  “What is this? Is this your boyfriend? Lover? What?”

  I turned to face him again, my body shaking in rage. “His name is William, and yes, he’s my boyfriend. What is it to you? Why do you care?”

  “I just came here to talk to you, Serenity. Can’t I come and talk to my sister? I tried calling you, but you never answered.”

  “I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize.”

  His shoulders slumped. “I’ve just been having a hard time. I just wanted to see if you could lend your little brother some money.”

  This lit a fire under my ass. “Money? You have the fucking balls to come here and ask me for money?” I freed myself of William’s comforting embrace and approached my brother until we were nearly toe-to-toe. “How dare you show up here after everything you did to me. I bailed you out of jail, and you skipped town. You promised me you’d go to court, accept the plea bargain, and I’d get my money back. You almost left me homeless because I had to scramble to pay my rent. Now you are back demanding more. What nerve!”

  My body tensed. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t look at the leech who would continue to suck every last penny out of me.

  “Come on, Serenity. I just need a little bit to get on my feet. Things will be different this time. I got a job. It’s not much, and the pay is under the table, but it pays. And my lawyer thinks the judge will go easy on me. Come on. Don’t leave me hanging.”

  William stepped in front of me. “You heard her; she said no. So why don’t you just leave.” Even I could see it wasn’t a question.

  Dayton was speechless. Sophia was standing on the front steps behind us with her mouth agape. I was just as dumbstruck as I was over the whole situation.