Leaving The Pieces Behind

by R. M. Demeester

Samuel rose and once again shook my hand, but this time he gave me a halfhearted hug. At least it was a step up from the simple handshake from before.

  “Have a good rest of your day,” he said before turning and walking out of the café.

  Instead of going outside, I sat back in the booth. So I had finally met him. I finally met my father. I went from having no name to actually meeting the guy in such a short amount of time. He wasn’t as bad as I thought. But where do I go from here? What could I expect going forward?

  I sent a text to my mom: I just finished having coffee with Samuel.

  I wasn’t quite to the point to refer to him as Dad yet.

  Soon, William entered the café and sat in front of me. He didn’t say anything as he pulled my hands into his.

  I smiled and looked at him. “Thanks for helping me find my father.” I couldn’t ever repay William for everything he had done for me. This man meant everything to me.

  “How did it go?” he asked.

  “Good,” I said sadly.

  “It doesn’t sound like it.”

  I exhaled as I told him what Samuel said.

  William blanched. “I’m sorry.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. It happened. I’m glad I know the truth. I guess I’m looking forward to meeting my two half-brothers.”

  “There is always that.”

  “All I can do is wait until our next meeting,” I said. “In the meantime, what would you like to do?”

  William stirred a little but said nothing.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Wanna go for a drive?” he asked.

  “Okay?”

  “There is… something I want to ask you.”

  We walked outside silently and got into the car. As he drove, his lips parted several times as if he was going to say something, but each time fell silent. What was he thinking about?

  “What’s on your mind?” I finally asked. “Are you feeling okay?”

  He lifted one hand off the steering wheel and skimmed his fingertips along his jaw line, clearly deep in thought.

  “Don’t keep me in suspense.” I reached over and touched his thigh.

  He jumped slightly. “Serenity, will you move in with me?” he blurted.

  I paused and didn’t say anything.

  “I— I want you to move in with me,” he continued. “I mean, we practically spend every day together anyway. Half of your stuff is already at my house, and I just really want to take that step. Only if you want the same thing, that is.”

  I leaned back, taking it all in. He wanted me to move in with him. The last few months our relationship had really taken off. We went from awkwardly hanging out when we could to me staying over pretty much every night. And now he wanted me to move in! It would save on rent, and I could wake up every morning to my best friend. What more could I ask for?

  “Okay,” I said finally.

  “Is that a yes?” William inquired.

  “Yes.” That was it, then. I was moving in. For once I didn’t have to dwell on the decision. It came naturally for me. And it was exhilarating.

  Then I remembered Sophia. Just mere hours before, she was telling me she hated our roommate and wished it could have gone back to just Crystal, her, and me. How would she take the news that I’d be leaving my notice?

  William smiled, and it was a smile that spread from cheek to cheek. “That’s great.” He was so happy.

  “It’s almost the beginning of the month, so I’ll just leave my notice on the first and find a new roommate for Sophia.”

  William simply nodded. I wasn’t sure if he heard me or not; he was in heaven right now.

  “William,” I said, breaking him out of his stupor.

  “Yeah?”

  “I should go talk to my roommates. Sophia, as much as she is a pain in the butt, she was having a bad day. I feel bad to spring this on her over text.”

  William pulled into a nearby parking lot, brought me close, and kissed me. “You are a great woman. Always thinking of others’ feelings.”

  “I try.”

  “I’ll drop you off and pick you up later. I do have some paperwork I can finish up.”

  “Thanks.”

  If Sarah wasn’t home, then maybe I’d take Sophia up on her offer to hang out. It could be an afternoon-day-in instead of a night-in.

  I walked inside and Sophia was slouched on the couch watching television.

  “Hey,” Sophia said. “Surprised to see you.”

  I sat beside her, propping my legs on the end table. “I have nothing planned this afternoon. How about you?”

  Sophia scratched the back of her neck. “I’m just relaxing, enjoying the peace before Sarah wakes up.”

  I sighed.

  “What’s wrong with you? You and William get into a fight?”

  “No,” I told her. “But there is something I need to tell you.”

  Sophia stared at me. “What?”

  “I’m giving my notice at the beginning of the month. I’m going to move in with William. He asked me just now, and I said yes.”

  Sophia glance lowered. “Oh?”

  “I know. But I’m giving you a heads up so that you can prepare. Maybe move yourself, find better roommates, or something.” I knew it wasn’t what Sophia wanted to hear, but it was the truth.

  She chuckled. “Can’t say I’m surprised what with the amount of time you spend with him.”

  I grinned sheepishly.

  “It’s all right, Serenity. You gotta do you.”

  I felt the pressure leave my chest as I let out a sigh of relief. She took it better than I imagined.

  “How about we order a pizza and watch a movie?” she suggested.

  “Okay. But we better order and eat before Sarah wakes up.”

  A devilish smile crossed Sophia’s face. “Or we can run away. She’d never know.”

  I laughed.

  Sophia stood from the couch, phone in hand. “What kind of pizza do you want? I got a coupon somewhere.”

  “Whatever you want.”

  She left down the hall to order, and I pulled out my cell.

  Why are you telling me this? Mom had replied to my earlier message about Samuel.

  I just thought you’d want to know. My throat tightened. She was angry, but I was also angry at her.

  So did you get whatever you were looking for out of the sperm donor?

  My whole body tightened. Fury consumed me.

  It was fine, I replied curtly.

  I closed out of the phone messages as Sophia walked back into the room. “I ordered a pepperoni and cheese.”

  I reached in my pocket and pulled out a ten. “Here.”

  She took it from me. “Thanks.”

  My phone vibrated again. I half-expected it to be a text from my mom, but it was Samuel. My heart sped up. Was he texting to set up another date?

  Hey Serenity. It was nice meeting you today. I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. Ever since I left the café, I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you this. I know this is the cowardly way to break it to you. I feel sad that I never got to be a part of your life growing up, and I’m sorry that you had such a hard upbringing. But I just don’t think we can have any further contact. I can’t be the father you want, and I just can’t relive that part of my life. I’m so sorry, and I want you to know it isn’t you. I hope in time you accept this and know it’s for the best. Thanks.

  I closed out of my text, as a wave of tears spilled onto my cheeks. No words could describe the knife through the heart, the pain in my chest, and how the air had been suddenly sucked from the room. My mom was right: he was a jerk and a coward. But why? Why couldn't he love me? Accept that I was his daughter?

  Sophia stared up at me.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I wiped away the tears, trying to gain my composure before I told Sophia about my father. I really didn’t care who I told.

  “I’m sorry.”

&
nbsp; I shook my head. “Don’t be.”

  I shouldn’t be surprised. Mom was right. He had the chance to get to know me, without Mom interfering, without constraint, but he chose to ditch me.

  I held my hand, shaking. I was burning.

  I guess my mom was right about you. She said you were a coward. I stared at the start of the text message, my arms trembling. She always told me you were no good. That you would never be there for me. Then you get the chance to get to know me, and to let me in to your family. But you chose to be a coward. You couldn’t deal with your own guilt so you run way. But running way doesn’t make me disappear. Doesn’t make you less of shitty father. You had your chance, but I’ll never give you another. You won’t hear from me again.

  I sent the text, and dropped the phone beside me. I took several heavy deep breaths. I didn’t need him in my life. I needed to keep telling myself that.

  Chapter 15

  I thought his rejection would have hurt less, but I eventually was able to move on. A month later, my life was good—peaceful and going in the right direction. But it was heartbreaking to know that Samuel Robertson, the man I couldn’t even stand to refer to as my father, perfectly embodied the description Mom had given him: “Nothing but a sperm donor.” She hadn’t asked how my meeting went and I didn’t tell her. She hadn’t really texted me much since I told her that I was going to meet him. I assumed that she felt resentment, sadness, and maybe a little bit of jealousy. I kept replaying my one and only meeting with him in my mind. It went better than I assumed it would. He answered most of my questions and was even ready to introduce me to my half-brothers. Then poof, he cut contact with me.

  I lounged on the couch in William’s apartment, our apartment. I still hadn’t gotten used to this space now being mine as well. I had a week left at my old place, but most of my stuff was already inside this tiny space. William didn’t seem to mind that all my things were everywhere. I also didn’t realize just how much stuff I had. I turned on the television to drown out the thoughts swarming inside my head.

  I leaned back and kicked my legs up to rest on the coffee table, letting my mind drift. The cooking channel was on in the background. Some lady was talking about how to make the perfect donut. Ironically, that was the thing that brought William and I together. I pulled out my phone and texted William.

  Can you bring home some donuts? Glazed. Just like old times.

  A few minutes later, the much-anticipated reply flashed across my screen. What’s the occasion?

  I smiled. You and I. We’re the occasion.

  I closed out of the message and clicked into the internet browser. I typed in “Samuel Robertson,” but this time I included his late wife’s name as well. I wasn’t sure why I was punishing myself. He made it clear that he didn’t want me to be part of his life. He was sorry, he had said. But how sorry could he be?

  The first thing to pop up was an obituary. He was telling the truth about his wife. I stared at the woman, my stepmother, or at least she would have been if I had been given the chance to get to know her. The woman in the colorful picture had a broad smile and big, blue eyes. It was like she was looking right at me. She had curly, red hair, much like my mom. In fact, Charlotte shared many similarities with Mom. Samuel had a type, which was red-haired women. But what was it about Charlotte that made her so special and not my mom?

  I closed out of the browser without looking for more information. I was doing it again, fantasizing about what could have been. I couldn’t help it. Even at 24-years-old, it was normal for a girl to want her parents to be together. Samuel had gone from Mom, to Aunt Jane, to this Charlotte woman.

  A bitterness formed in my mouth. I was being rather unfair to the deceased woman, someone who didn’t know me. Yet, deep down, I was blaming her for something that wasn’t even in her control. I hated Samuel Robertson for filling my heart with all this deep anger. He had a choice to be a part of my life and he decided not to.

  My phone vibrated again. It was William.

  There is this new cream-cheese-filled donut a co-worker was telling me about. Would you like to try it?

  I giggled. Of course.

  William and his donuts.

  I scrolled through my messages until I stopped at the last one Samuel sent me. William told me to delete it. He said it’d be easier to let go if I didn’t have that reminder kicking me in the face every time I used my phone. But I couldn’t. Or I didn’t want to. This was the last contact I’d ever have with my father. Even through all the mixed emotions, I still wanted to hold on.

  Then I stopped at my last message to Mom. She asked me how work was doing. It was so casual. I didn’t want casual.

  How are you doing today Mom? I sent her.

  Mom had been right about Samuel, but my pride was pulling me in two, threatening to rip me apart from the inside. I didn’t want to hear, “I told you so.” But I still wanted to let her know that she was right and that I was sorry for not listening to her. I was torn.

  I’m baking cookies… I was going to call you, but I forgot, she replied.

  It’s okay. I have been meaning to as well. Only I didn’t forget. I was just avoiding her. I wasn’t keeping my promise of making more of an effort.

  So what’s on your mind? Mom replied.

  I took a deep breath and whispered, “Here goes nothing.”

  You were right about him. And I’m sorry for what he did to you. I’m sorry for even trying to locate him in the first place.

  I pressed send as quickly as possible. I needed to do it before I changed my mind like the other hundred times I had attempted to tell her.

  What exactly did he say he did? Because he did a lot of shit.

  He said he assaulted you and started dating Aunt Jane. I didn’t want to tell her what else he told me about her.

  At least he is honest… But from the sound of things he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be.

  No! I replied. But it’s okay. I met him. Now I can move on.

  We sent a few more texts back and forth before William walked through the door. Relief washed over me instantly and I put down the phone.

  I wrapped my arms tightly around William’s body and whispered sweet nothings into this ear. He awkwardly leaned over to put down the box of donuts and proceeded to embrace me.

  “Someone’s in a good mood,” he said.

  I smiled and stared deeply into his eyes. My heart was dancing. “I’m just really glad to see you.”

  “I’m really glad to be coming home to you.” His eyes gleamed and the corner of his mouth turned upward.

  “What about those donuts?” I asked. What better way to enjoy his presence than to share a sugary treat with him?

  He grinned cheek-to-cheek as he reached for the box and handed me a donut. “Just like old times.” He handed me one of those cream-cheese-filled ones. I took a bite and I was in heaven. Much like how I was for my entire relationship with William.

  “You like?” he asked.

  I nodded as he took a bite of his own.

  “Do you like?” I returned the question.

  He stopped to think for a moment. “Yeah.” Another pause. “But not as good as the ones that you make.”

  I smiled. He was in a relationship with a baker, so I’d hope I made the best baked goods. Just like I’d expect him to do my taxes. Fair trade. Even though I was in his debt forever.

  He picked up another donut and shoved it in his mouth. “Good idea on ordering donuts. Man, I could eat them all.”

  I scowled. He stopped mid-bite. I laughed, but he laughed nervously.

  “I really do like the cream-cheese-filling. So I think I might have to replicate the recipe,” I said.

  William’s eyes opened wide.

  I stood. “I’ll be right back.” I blew him a kiss as I headed for the bathroom.

  I sat on the toilet seat lid and took a deep breath. As much as I loved William’s presence, I still had unfinished business with Mom. I still had more I wanted to say to he
r. My biological father, as much I wanted to just accept it and move on, was on my mind. He wanted nothing to do with me, so all I had left was Mom.

  William and I are probably staying in tonight, I had replied to Mom’s last text about what I was doing.

  Oh? How are you and him doing? she replied.

  Remember I told you I was moving in with him. Most of my stuff is already all over his place.

  It was weird; I still hadn’t met anyone from William’s family, and besides my brother — and I guess the aunt I never knew I had — he hadn’t meant any of mine. At least the members that meant anything to me.

  I hope one day to meet William, my mom texted.

  When I get some vacation time, we’ll make a trip down.

  I sighed. Mom never did move to the city I lived in. She told me that she and Mike found a place a few hours from where they were living before. At least it was closer than before but still far away enough that I couldn’t just hop in the car and drive there on a whim.

  And make sure to bring him with you. Promise, Mom texted.

  I will Mom, I promise, I replied.

  Mom was all I had left. If anything she surprised me. Not once did she rub it all in my face. She was right about Samuel; he was a jerk. Maybe life would have been different if Mom had told him about me, but it didn’t change the fact that now he had a chance to know me and he chose to reject me. That was no longer on Mom; that was all on him.

  I love you Mom. I texted.

  I love you too sweetie. I hope to see you soon. And maybe even get you three kids together. I know I say that a lot. But I hope it happens soon.

  Me too.

  I want you to know I love you Serenity. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you growing up. But I’ll try. She replied.

  I sat there. Mom wasn’t perfect. I realized I had such high expectations for her, I’d get mad and nothing she did was enough. But after what my father did to me. What a coward he was, my expectations were lowered. At least Mom tried, as little or as disappointing her efforts were.

  You are the only Mom I have. Please stop beating yourself up over the past. Neither of us can change it. I’m looking forward to the future, and I’d love for us to both move on and enjoy each other’s company in the present. I replied.