by Lily Freeman
“Fine.”
“Good. I’ll expect you this evening at seven.”
He was gone before she could answer.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Is everything okay, Tesorino?”
Spinning around PJ found Mika right behind her with a box in one hand and an orange casserole dish in the other. “It’s fine, everything’s fine.” Everything was so not fine.
Returning to her apartment under the now watchful eye of Mika, PJ continued to work through the boxes. They talked and joked, sometimes treading very close to subjects that she would have deemed too personal, yet with Mika she didn’t feel the need to hide her feelings in case he judged her, and that was a first, with a man anyway.
PJ was still thinking about the unexpected easiness between them as she sat in the pub with Jim several hours later.
“I’m going to miss you, you know that, Jim?” And she was, the sweet old man had welcomed her into his home and she’d needed that after walking away from everything she’d ever known.
“My pleasure, Missy, and I expect to see you every Sunday for a roast, you’re only across the courtyard after all.”
“I am.” With a kiss to his cheek, she headed upstairs to shower and change. The anxiety she’d felt after talking to Gabriel had dwindled over the course of the afternoon, whether by sheer will power or just good luck, PJ wasn’t sure. When she headed out the door in search of a cab however, it all came flooding back with enough force to leave her gasping. But she managed to get the address across to the cab driver and not vomit, which was promising.
At exactly seven o’clock she knocked on the door, Sasha answering it straight away.
“Master Gabriel’s in his office, PJ, please go in, he’s waiting.”
Why was he waiting? She wasn’t late. Approaching his office with a lot more confidence than she felt, PJ knocked tentatively.
“Come in.”
Gabriel Knight stood up as she entered. She barely recognised the man. Yes, she’d met him briefly on Saturday night, but by that stage, she’d been hopelessly distracted, a ruined shirt in front of her and a devilishly gorgeous Dom inside it. Now as she looked up, the air of authority that surrounded him overwhelmed her. His broad shoulders were emphasized by the perfect cut of his charcoal suit and his eyes were so God damn calm as he blatantly stared at her.
“Thank you for coming, please have a seat. There are a couple of things I’d like to discuss with you.”
Something about the way he worded that statement had alarm bells ringing, and that was before his gaze flicked over her shoulder and she heard the door shut. PJ turned around to find the one person she never wanted to see again standing right behind her.
Chapter 12
Master Luke was leaning against the wall looking like some sort of God in a three-piece pinstripe suit. His soft blue eyes looked incredibly tender, if not somewhat hesitant as he smiled then slowly stepped towards her. PJ froze, too stunned to defend herself as he caught her hand, gently pulling her into a hug. He was whispering to her, things she didn’t want to hear, and she could swear he just kissed her.
“Darling, please don’t be angry. I really needed to see you, to make sure you were alright.”
As soon as she started to push against him, he moved back a little, but he didn’t let her go. Instead his hand moved to her face, his fingers stroking her cheek, capturing her chin when she tried to turn away.
“Are you?”
There was an edge to his voice that had her looking at him, really looking. He appeared tired, his eyes dark underneath and his complexion didn’t have the healthy glow she’d admired on Saturday.
“I’m fine.” She wasn’t actually. She was beyond fucked off with the other man in the room, the one still holding her just scared her.
“PJ, please take a seat so we can talk.”
Gabriel’s casual request earned him a scowl, but once she managed to untangle herself from Luke’s hands, she did sit.
“Please accept my apology for getting you here under false pretences although if you still want to leave when we’re done, I’ll finalise your refund.”
Oh, she’d be leaving alright, and she was already done.
There was a flash of blue beside her then she found herself face to face with Luke as he knelt down, minus his jacket. Again he caught her hands, placing his own over them on her lap.
“Tell me why you left. What happened? If I’d known you were upset or not feeling well, I would’ve come with you, taken care—”
She had to stop him. His intense demeanour was triggering some kind of panic attack or could it be that he was just too close?
“Mast … Luke, stop, please stop.” PJ didn’t want to hurt him, she just wanted to leave and forget all about this beautiful man and his evil alter ego. “It wasn’t for me. I’m sorry if I made you worry, but …”
Luke grabbed her hands, bringing them to his lips then the kisses started, little ones dancing over her fingertips.
“I did worry, and I have constantly since Saturday night, but I still don’t understand. What part of it wasn’t for you?”
There was no way she could answer him without getting personal, and sitting in a room as she was with two strange men, that certainly wasn’t going to happen.
“It just wasn’t what I was looking for.”
Luke released her hands only to capture her chin again as he leaned in real close.
“I felt you, Baby. I was right there with you the whole time. How can you sit there and say it wasn’t what you were looking for? You were beautiful.”
He was beautiful. No man had ever spoken to PJ with such unrestrained passion and desire. For a heart-stopping moment she let the pain of knowing that she was never going to be his wash over her. It filled her chest and stung her eyes. She ached from it far more than losing Sam or walking away from her family. Then she remembered the comments she’d overheard, of what he was truly capable of and her resolve returned, kind of.
“It … I’m … it wasn’t—”
He kissed her right on the lips, his tongue sweeping in till she moaned.
“I don’t believe you. What happened? Was the punishment I gave you too much or not enough? Did you want me to push you further? Take away more control?”
Again the questions came thick and fast, each one brushing over her like his kisses, sweet and seductive, coaxing her closer to something she just didn’t want to think about. All her pent up anger at his deception, this one or the one before surged forth, creating an uncharacteristic urge to yell so she did, right in his face.
“It wasn’t the punishment, Luke.”
His brows drew tight, his lips too before they curled into a smile that she could only describe as triumphant.
“Then why are you walking away from this? Please, help me understand because right now I don’t.”
PJ glanced around the room, looking for an escape or at least some support, but Master Gabriel’s expression was as intense as Luke’s.
“It’s not this, it’s …” Christ, there was nothing for it. “It’s you.”
“What?” Luke felt like he’d been slapped, so much so he actually rocked back on his heels. “What? What about me? What did I do?”
There wasn’t a single moment he could remember, from their time together or otherwise when he’d been forced to question himself, until now. Every decision and every action he’d ever taken had been made with total confidence in his abilities, yet PJ’s little announcement had just shattered all of it. Could he have been so wrong, reading her reactions as something he’d wanted to see and not for what they really were? As he stared at her, taking in the way she wrapped her arms defensively around her body, he feared he may have, because all he could see was her anger and her uncertainty, especially when he reached out to touch her again.
“It’s not what you did, Luke, it’s what you didn’t do that’s the issue.”
Fuck, he knew it. She needed more, far more pain and dominance
than he’d given her, but he’d been so concerned about scaring her away on her first night that he’d done the opposite. He’d driven her away by not giving her what she needed.
“I didn’t want to scare you. I wanted to ease you into it slowly, give you more and more pain as we got to know each other and built trust.”
A look of pure terror passed over her face. “So it’s true?”
“What’s true?” He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
“What they said about you?”
As he moved forward, she jerked back, pressing hard against the chair.
“Luke.”
Gabriel’s tone was clipped with warning, misplaced warning. Luke may not know what he was up against, but he would never push her, not when she was clearly feeling threatened. Gentling his voice, he tried again. “What did they say, Baby?”
Reluctantly she met his gaze. “That you’re a sadist.”
Luke’s burst of laughter echoed around the room. There was simply no way it couldn’t as the tension he’d been fighting shifted to relief. “Of course I am. That’s why I know I can give you what you need.”
He was so close to pulling her back into his arms and kissing her when she spoke.
“I don’t need that. Why would you even think such a thing?”
Her exquisite golden eyes were huge, exactly as they’d been when he’d struck her with the crop. That night he’d seen something in her and he’d recognized it instantly because her passion had matched his, but clearly she wasn’t ready to accept that yet, God knows it had taken him long enough.
“PJ, you’re a masochist. Your body craves pain to heighten your pleasure. You felt it. Why deny it now?”
“I am not!” Her outrage was palpable as she leaned even further back. “I hate pain. I would never ask to be hurt. I know what you did on Saturday was punishment and I accepted that because I wanted to experience it and I wanted to obey you, but I am not a masochist.”
Blatant confusion mixed with a heady rush of nerves as Luke glanced up at Gabe. When he turned back, PJ was trembling and that was when it dawned on him that something was very wrong.
“Darling, shhh. You’re safe, you must know that. I just want to understand. Now on Saturday night you were given a little band of red to wear. Red is for pain. They don’t give the wrong bands out. Can you imagine what would happen if someone who had a strong aversion to pain fell into the hands of a sad … ist?”
Luke’s world ground to a slow, agonizing halt, each heartbeat falling hard on top of the previous one until it was all he could hear. Yet even as he fought to stay with her, he realised it was pointless because someone had seriously fucked up.
Silence fell over the office, all three of them glancing around before Gabriel finally started to talk. PJ could hear him beside her, but she couldn’t tear her gaze away from Luke. The look of absolute devastation on his face was heartbreaking. He may not have seriously hurt her, but at some point in the last five minutes, she’d sure as hell hurt him.
“PJ, I am truly sorry. That kind of mistake should never have happened and I fully intend to find out why it did.”
“It’s fine.” It was over now and all she wanted to do was go home before things got more awkward.
“God, I’m so sorry.” Luke reached for her hand and despite everything that had happened, PJ let him take it. “If I had known, I never would have used the crop on you. I never would have—”
“Luke, stop please. You were amazing and you didn’t hurt me, much.” Her smile was as shaky as his.
“So you enjoyed it, the little bit of pain I gave you?”
“I did.”
“Then why quit?”
With one little tug of her hand he had her again, his arms settling carefully around her shoulders as she sat rigid in the chair. But that wasn’t what had her panicking; it was the look of sheer determination he now wore and the sparkle in his eyes, like he knew something she didn’t.
“Because I don’t want it, not like you do.”
“How do you know what I want?”
This nightmare was never going to end unless she told him the truth. “I overheard a group of members talking about you and what you like to do to your subs.”
Luke went very still. “And what did they say?”
She tried to look away, but he caught her chin, turning her straight back to him. From the abruptness of his touch, she almost expected to see anger in his face, or the cold detachment she’d heard them speak about, but that wasn’t what she found. His eyes were wide and so blue as she gazed into them. She hurt for him, she really did, yet it still didn’t change the facts. “They said that you are one of the most hard-core sadists around. Is it true?”
His eyes closed as he swallowed then he was back, staring at her with the same steely determination she’d seen before. “Did they say anything else?”
“That you made someone bleed.”
This time the silence around them was complete, all of them caught up in it until PJ found the strength to speak. “Did you?”
No, no, no! If PJ was what Luke now realised she was, then he was about to become her worst nightmare. Yet he wouldn’t lie to her. “I did.”
Her hands visibly trembled as she covered her mouth. “Was … it an accident?”
No, at the time it had been everything but. He’d been a different man back then, chasing different dreams. Luke’s career had just taken off and he’d been made partner in the firm, no longer having to answer to Thomas. The power of that alone had changed something inside him and he’d chosen to experiment with his newfound freedom at the club. It was also roughly around the same time he met Lana, and she too had been experimenting with a deeper level of submission, more pain and less control. It had been no accident.
“No.”
She winced. “So you hit someone until they bled?”
“Yes, but you don’t understand.”
“I don’t want to understand. How could you do that?”
There was simply no point trying to explain what drove him. She would never understand the urges and compulsions of a sadistic mindset, but he’d be willing to bet if she lowered the guard she so vehemently held around herself she’d understand it from Lana’s point of view, because he was certain PJ was a masochist.
“My sub, Darling, she needed that level of pain to find her release. We took months to work up to that point. It wasn’t some sort of random strike.”
“Was it just once?”
Even before he answered, Luke could see the disdain in her eyes, the fear. She despised who he was and what he did, and there was nothing he could do or say at this point that would change that.
“No it wasn’t. A very small group of masochists need more than the average sadist is willing to deliver. And as you’ve so kindly pointed out, I am not your average sadist.”
“Sasha said,” PJ winced, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to get her in trouble, but I asked about you after I overheard the other members. You were waiting for me and I honestly couldn’t believe it was you they were talking about, but it was.”
“What did she say?” He sounded like a broken man, felt like it too. All the tension and anxiety he’d been running on, as stressful as it was, had left him feeling empty and lost. It wasn’t something he knew how to deal with, none of this was.
“She said you’d never play with someone like me, so why did you?”
There were so many answers Luke could have given her, ones that might have lessened the hostility she was so clearly feeling towards him, others that might hurt her back. And it was tempting because for the first time ever Luke felt wounded, forced to justify who he was. But as he gazed down at her, taking in the gentle curve of her mouth, the delicate pink flush on her cheeks, all he felt was an overwhelming urge to be honest.
“I’ve been in the scene a long time, too long. And as you’ve heard, I’ve done it all, but I don’t want that anymore. I want someone in my life, PJ, someone special, someo
ne like—” Before Luke could even finish she was out of the chair, stepping backward, away from him.
“Oh God, not with me?”
“Yes, Darling, with you.”
No! PJ hit the wall, her legs were shaking, and her hands too. The man could not be serious. But as she watched him slowly edging towards her, she realised he was. “No.” Christ, she sounded like she was about to cry, she was that terrified of being his anything. “I have nothing that you want.”
His smile was sweet, endearing even as his hand reached tentatively for her.
“You are everything that I want, and so much more.”
He actually believed it, she could see it in his face.
“I can’t be—just can’t.” He was so close she could feel the heat of him as his thighs brushed up against hers, and his breath, warm with a hint of something rich, just like she remembered.
“You felt something for me, I know you did.”
When his finger stroked her cheek PJ didn’t move, she couldn’t, she had nowhere to go.
“Please don’t be afraid of me. I would never hurt you.”
Really? Had they not just participated in the same disturbing conversation, the one about beating people until they bled followed by him laughing about being a sadist? She may not know all the terminology or fully understand the concept, but she could sure as hell figure out the result—pain and humiliation, degradation and torment. Given half a chance, he would happily do that to her. Why he was denying it now, she honestly didn’t know, or care.
“I said no. I don’t want—”
A phone rang, her phone. Stumbling out of Luke’s clutches, she grabbed it out of her pocket, recognizing the clinic’s number instantly. She’d spoken to them in the cab on the way over here and everything had been fine. The fact that they were calling again so soon could only mean one thing. With a growing sense of fear, PJ answered her phone.
“Hello.”
“PJ, it’s Christopher, I’m sorry to have to call you, but Vader’s had a stroke. He’s lost consciousness and his heart rate has plummeted.”
So had hers. “Oh, God.”
