by Xana Jordan
I wait until he is out of sight before I collapse onto the entryway floor, leaving Blain to deal with the delivery driver who just showed up with our dinner. After Blain takes the food to the living room, he picks me up and carries me over to the couch where I cuddle up to his side and sob uncontrollably.
I’m unaware of how long he holds me while I cry until I can’t anymore. When I can finally control my tears, I walk to the bathroom to wash my face and blow my nose. My face is all red and puffy, and I can barely see straight. My nose is stopped up, and my head is pounding hard enough to make me cry all over again.
When I walk back into the living room, Blain has gotten plates for our food and something for us to drink. Despite my protests that I’m no longer hungry, he persuades me to eat something. I love Chinese food, but I may never look at it fondly again after all of this. Blain helps me put the food away and clean up our mess. While I am placing the dishes in the dishwasher, he gathers up my books and notebook from outside and carries them to my room for me. He’s always been there to protect me. Even in kindergarten he was keeping kids from picking on me.
Blain finds me in the kitchen staring out of the window, unaware that he is watching me. “Why don’t you go on to bed and worry about the homework tomorrow. I’ll bring your work to you tomorrow after school.”
“Why do you think I won’t be at school tomorrow?” I cross my arms and raise my eyebrows at him.
“Xana, we’ve known each other almost our entire lives. We were always at each other’s house for one reason or another. Don’t think I don’t know how you pull away when things get too hard for you to deal with. I’ve walked you through it more times than I can count, and I’ll be here with you this time. Reece will, too. That’s what we do.” Blain gives me a hug and turns me toward my room. “Now, go on to bed. You’ll feel better, and I’ll see you after school tomorrow.” I look over my shoulder at him and give him a weak smile. It’s all I’ve got to give right now.
“Okay, but only because I know you’ll stay until I do. Thank you. Thank you for just being my friend.” I walk to my room, and Blain locks the door as he leaves.
The only thing I want to do is sleep everything out of my mind. Mom and Dad come in to check on me when they get home, and Mom tells me she’ll call the school for me tomorrow morning. God, how I love how she just gets what I need.
Cade and I met at the library after school. We both have projects to work on, and I like how much space you have to spread things out. Neither of us saw Noel after school, and Xana still isn’t answering her phone. I’m going to have to go by her house and get to the bottom of this mess. “Do you have any idea what Noel’s problem is? Why is he listening to those to stalkers,” I whisper to Cade as he gets out his note cards. Cade shakes his head and sighs.
“I have no clue. He was fine on the way to the game. He seemed relaxed afterwards, but I didn’t know he hadn’t talked to her at all, and for him to listen to their accusations and not defend her, that’s just not like him.” Cade shakes his head again and frowns.
“You don’t believe any of that stuff, do you?” I look over at Cade who is staring at the computer in front of us.
“Of course not. I haven’t known her as long as you have, but there’s no way she’d cheat on him. I can see how much she loves Noel. Everyone should be able to see it. Why on Earth he thinks she and Blain are an item is beyond me.” Cade hands me some note cards and a marker.
“I think he’s lost his damn mind. I’m gonna go to her house and make her talk to me. You have to figure out why he’s acting like that.”
We continue to work on our projects for another hour, calling it quits when our stomachs begin to growl loudly. We gather up our things and leave the table we used in better shape that it was when we got there. On our way to our cars, I worry about Xana. She’s never really put herself out there for a guy before, and the way he’s acting now isn’t going to encourage her to do it again.
“I’m going over to check on Xana, and you see what you can find out from Noel,” I tell Cade as we reach our vehicles.
Cade turns to look at me before he opens his car door. “Are you sure we want to get involved in all of this?”
“Not really, but Xana is about the closest thing I have to a sister, and I can’t let her get hurt if I can help it. If we can set things straight for them and end this bullshit one way or another, then that’s what we’re gonna do. I know he’s your friend, and I respect that, but I think we owe it to them both.” I look straight at Cade, daring him to disagree with me.
“Fine, but we should let them work it out as much as we can on their own. If it’s gonna work out, then they have to want it to.” Cade leans over and kisses my cheek. “Now, stop worrying so much, and go check on your girl. Something feels off with her.”
I stop by Xana’s house, only to have her mother tell me that she isn’t feeling well and is asleep. She promised to have her call me when she wakes up. I guess that’s all I can do right now, but I send her a text to call me anyway.
This has been one of the longest weeks I’ve ever had. I didn’t go to school until Wednesday, and these past three days have about destroyed me. I’m so thankful it’s Friday afternoon, and I only have two more hours to sit through before I am free of this hell.
Blain has been giving me a ride to and from school so I can avoid going to my locker after my last class for a few more days. I try to get most of my books together before last hour so that I don’t have to get any after school. This usually has me taking home a few more books than I need, so Blain takes me home. Carrying that many books on the bus is a complete nightmare.
It’s been a relief to have Blain looking out for me. The girls at school have been completely awful to me, saying horrible things when they think I can’t hear them. The guys haven’t been much better, but they are a little nicer to me. Apparently, they think I’m an easy target, pun intended. I’d love to get my hands on whoever took those pictures and made them look so damning. On the other hand, I’d like to hide away until graduation, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this any longer. It’s mentally exhausting.
Stacy came by my house after school on Tuesday to find out what was going on with Noel. I couldn’t put her off any longer. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, but I needed someone to talk to about it. Apparently, Blain caught Stacy at school and told her I really needed her to stop by after school was out. Even Stacy and Cade don’t have any idea why Noel is acting the way he is. He’s usually not this irrational.
I’ve told Cade I don’t expect him to choose between Noel and me, and that I would never want to come between them. They’ve been best friends for almost as long as Blain and I have. Cade has reassured me he’ll still be there for me if I need him, and that I should let him handle Noel. Stacy really picked a good one with him. She’s not the easiest person to handle, but he seems to take everything she does in stride, somehow managing to rein her in.
I haven’t seen much of Stacy and Cade at school the past few weeks, but they always meet me at my locker in the mornings when Blain and I get there. The four of us, along with Andi and Jaxson, hang out until it is time for our first class. That helps me feel a little better about being in school.
I realize that my being with Blain like we are probably doesn’t help my case at all, but I don’t know how I would make it through school as well as I have without him. Even though we’ve had our problems this year, he’s still a great friend to me. I don’t understand why his feelings for me suddenly changed, but I hope he gets over them soon before he misses out on someone who is perfect for him. The way he protects both his sister and me is enough to tell me that when he finds the one, they will never let him go, and after what he’s put up with from me, he deserves it.
When the last bell rings for the day, I rush out of class so I can meet Blain at his car. Halfway to the parking lot, Stacy finds me. I’ve kind of avoided her and Cade, as well as most of our normal group of friends. Th
e look on her face tells me she isn’t happy with me, but I just don’t have it in me to argue with her right now.
“Hey, Stace,” I say, looking at the parking lot. I don’t want her pity right now.
“Alexandra Rhiann, don’t run away from me. I know that’s what you’ve been doing. Don’t deny it,” Stacy warns me.
“Look, I just need more time, Stace. It’s been really hard,” I whisper, my voice starting to shake. I can feel the tears start to form in my eyes, but I hold them back.
“I know. That’s why you’re going to the movies with us tonight.” Stacy continues talking so I can’t protest. “Blain talked to me. We’re all going out, you and Blain, and Andi and Jaxson, and me and Cade, a movie and some pizza, just us having fun, so relax.” Stacy pulls me into a hug then turns me toward the parking lot. “Go on, Blain will be there in a minute.” Stacy walks back toward her locker, leaving me stunned and unable to move for a moment.
Blain catches up to me as I reach his car. He opens the door for me, and tells me not to worry about tonight, that everything will be fine. I know he is right, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying that Noel might accidentally show up. My heart hurts too much to see him right now. I still love him, even though our relationship wasn’t strong enough to repair.
I’ve been packing my things for college all week. We’re moving my things up on Sunday before band camp starts. Mom has been shopping for the past month trying to get everything she can imagine I’ll need. I think she’s lost her mind. I don’t really need much for my dorm room. Stacy and I are going to be roommates so whatever I don’t have she will. I don’t plan on doing much but studying anyway.
Going through my things brings back a lot of memories. Pictures of me and Noel, movie ticket stubs, birthday presents, dried flowers, t-shirts I took that were his, and the pair of tiny diamond earrings he gave me for Christmas make it even harder to let him go. There are also pictures of Reece, Blain, and me on family vacations, at concerts, and even some from birthdays when we were little. He was there for me at prom, but so much damage was already done to our reputations at that point it really didn’t matter who I went with. We’re still friends, but not like we used to be. One day we’ll be close like that again, but for now I just need a fresh start.
Going to college an hour away will give me the chance to find myself again and mend my broken heart. Being away from Blain and Noel is the best thing for me right now. One day, maybe not soon, I will be able to let him go, even if I never stop loving him.
Learning that Xana was going to prom with Blain was not a good day for me. I saw the pictures they took with Stacy and Cade. She was more beautiful than I’d ever seen her. I should have been there with her, not him. Even though she was smiling, I could see the hurt still in her eyes. It haunts me.
I knew she’d never do the things she was accused of. She doesn’t have it in her. All I could see as I looked at those pictures was my girlfriend smiling at some guy that wasn’t me. Someone that had tried to kiss her and take her away from me. Seeing her give Blain that beautiful smile, that lights up her entire face, flipped something inside me that I couldn’t control. She was always honest with me, but can I say the same? I was so awful to her.
Now, Xana’s graduated, and I’m not ready to let her go. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to apologize but no one will let me near her, and she never answers my calls or texts. I’m not even sure she reads them. I’ve done my best to stop the rumors those awful girls started. I hope Xana’s last few weeks of school were a lot easier because of it. It’s the least I could do to make up for my part in her heartbreak.
Watching Xana perform in the band and choir for the last time at graduation was when everything really hit me. Xana had graduated. She wouldn’t be with us in band any longer. No more hearing her laughing at Cade and Jason’s antics. No more picking her up for school. She wouldn’t be there to give me that gorgeous smile that I love so much.
After the graduation ceremonies were over, I decided to try one last time to apologize to her. I found my way through the many families congratulating their graduates, and finally spotted Xana and Stacy’s families. Cade was waiting with Stacy’s grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and I saw Mike, and another guy I didn’t recognize, standing by Xana’s parents. I had never seen this guy before, but he looked to be about Mike’s age, so I assumed he was one of Mike’s college friends. I couldn’t figure out why he would have been at her graduation.
When I was halfway there I saw Stacy and Xana make their way to their families, so I continued on over to talk to her. I got about twenty feet away, I see the new guy put his arm around Xana’s shoulders and pull her into him. I stop where I am, and watch silently, hoping that what I see happening between them is just friendship. She steps away from his hug, but he remains close to her side, as if he’s protecting her. My hope evaporates when I see the way he looks at her. It’s almost like the way I looked at her.
I walked to the parking lot, I made my way out of the stadium and just drive away. I’m not sure how long I drive around aimlessly, but I eventually find myself sitting in front of the baseball field. I climb out of the car and sit on its hood, my arms on my legs. I sat there for a long time, thinking about everything that had happened over the last year and a half. The silence surrounding me was deafening. I could still see her in the stands cheering me on and waiting by my car after my games. The scent of her perfume and shampoo continues to linger in my car, reminding me of all the things we did in it. No matter where I go, memories of her are everywhere.
Now I find myself sitting a couple of houses away from her house in my mom’s car, watching her load up her things for college. She’s still beautiful. I know I have to give her time, but I will never give her up.
Xana is mine.
And I’m going to get her back.
My husband has let me go on this journey with his support, and I love him for it. There are so many other people who have helped and encouraged me to write this book. Some of them will never understand how much I truly love them.
A deep, heartfelt thanks to:
Ellie Wade- My Twin. My Friend. My Sister. Who would have ever thought that years down the road we’d be this close? You are a ray of sunshine that always encourages me to try things I would never do on my own, and you keep supporting me when I’m not sure about what to do. You are an amazing friend and a wonderful person. Good things are coming YOUR way, trust me! I hope we have many more years to come. I’ll never be able to express just how much you mean to me. I love you!
Michelle Fields- My Soul Sister. What else can I say? Thank you for the #movienights #wordraces and #alphalove that brought us closer. Sometimes we really are one brain, and that really doesn’t scare me! Your encouragement and support have been invaluable and I’ll never be able to repay it. (And yes, Noel is yours.)
SE Hall- My Holla Back Girl and favorite Arkansan. Thank you so much for reading Noel and Xana and loving them like you do. Your words of encouragement and advice will never be taken for granted. I’ll never be able to repay you, and I’ll always be YOUR Holla Back Girl! Xoxo
Cyndi Brown- My Hookerface. If anyone were to tell me straight, I knew it would be you! Thanks for encouraging me to continue with the voices in my head, even when you were dealing with your own. One day, we’ll get together again.
Tiffany Black- Thank you for being patient with me and making my covers exactly what I dreamed of. I love them and you so much.
Emma Mack – Thank you for adding your sparkle.
Cheryl Keene- Thank you for reading my words and making them better when I had looked at them too much. I appreciate your time and friendship.
Ann- My friend. There really is no other word that I can use to describe just what you are to me. Your words are an inspiration to me and a happy place just when I need it, even if you like to torment me! :) Thank you for taking Noel and Xana and showing me how to make them more than they already were, and not be afraid of how long their sto
ry is. Your guidance and mentorship means everything to me, and I’ll never be able to repay you. I love you!
Nichole & Sandra- My Boo & My Sweets. Thank you both for believing in me and always being in my corner. I love you both!
