“Then the sheriff would.”
“A couple of hours later. I just keep thinking what might have happened. I lost my husband. I couldn’t survive if I lost one of my girls…”
Nat had no vocabulary for this, but he had to try. “You’re an amazing mother.”
“Am I? I was flirting with you, making arrangements to go away with you while my daughter was hurting so badly she was packing her bag, and I had no idea she had gotten to such a stage.” Linnea stared at her hands. “She didn’t want to move, she made it clear, told me again and again, but I thought she’d adjust in time. I threw myself into giving her experiences rather than sitting down and listening to her. I gave her everything but my time.”
“Linnea, that is not true. She is happy when she sings, she was in her element when she was being Santa Lucia, all the things you are doing work. She just needs a bit longer.”
“And all my attention, all my focus, I can’t be distracted anymore. Between work and the girls I have more than I can cope with. I’m sorry, Nat. I am truly grateful for all you did for me today, but I can’t see you anymore. Not as friends, not as anything else. I don’t have the time, the emotional space for anyone else. For you.”
Nat knew all about not having any emotional space, knew all about compartmentalizing and moving on. It had just never hurt before. But the hurt piercing him wasn’t just selfish, not just because he liked Linnea’s company, not just because he had been looking forward to being alone with her. But because it was such a waste. This beautiful, big-hearted woman deserved a life full of joy and happiness.
“I understand why you need to focus on Elsie right now,” he said after a pause. “But don’t shut yourself away. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to carve out your own happiness. You said yourself, it’s unfair on the girls if you put that kind of pressure on them.”
She didn’t answer for a long time and Nat drank her in. Even with her hair twisted up into a messy bun, no makeup, in an old sweatshirt and jeans, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He ached for the right to hold her, to comfort her.
“I thought a starter relationship might be the way forward,” she said at last. “I wouldn’t get too attached, the girls wouldn’t, nobody would get hurt. But I was fooling myself. You’re leaving. I always knew that. And I can’t risk my happiness, their wellbeing on someone who definitely won’t be staying around. I took my eye off the ball; it’s as simple as that. Took my eye off the ball for something temporary, something ephemeral. The girls deserve better. I deserve better.”
“You do.” His voice was low. He couldn’t deny her truth.
Linnea looked up at him, her eyes so full of sorrow Nat could barely mange to hold her gaze. “There’s no guarantee, I know that. The most promising relationships can go wrong. But if I try again, it has to be with someone who has the potential to be all in. It’s not fair on any of us otherwise.”
“I’d better go.” There was nothing else to say. “I’m glad she’s okay. Will I see you at the rehearsal on Tuesday?”
“We’ll be there. And Nat? Thank you again.”
The drive back through Marietta was treacherous and Nat was almost relieved that all his attention was on the road, on peering through the snow dancing before his windshield, on keeping his tires on the road. That way he didn’t have to think about the sadness in her eyes or the break in her voice when she had told him she deserved better.
Maybe the temporary relationships he seemed to specialize in were best after all. Out on the road, when he was only in a city for a few days, weeks, or months. No one got hurt, everyone understood the rules. But if he was never willing to risk going further, never able to put his heart on the line did that make him a realist—or a coward?
By the time he reached the Summer House the snowfall had stopped. Nat lifted Biscuit from the front seat, carrying him up the porch steps and into the triangular hallway. He stood in the door to stamp the snow off his boots and brush off his coat as Lacey appeared with a towel to rub the dog down.
“There’s a bone for you.” She cooed at the shivering dog. “I hear you are quite the hero of the hour.” She glanced up at her brother. “How’s Elsie?”
“Cold and her ankle is sore, but she’s okay.”
“And Linnea?”
His mouth twisted. “Less okay,”
She shot him a shrewd glance. “We have a fire going. Go on through to the sitting room, I’ll get you a beer and a sandwich.”
Wearily, Nat walked through to the sitting room at the very front of the house. The Summer House was a huge old Victorian, complete with servants’ quarters and rooms that once would have been used solely for billiards or smoking or for a lady’s private sitting room. Lacey and Zac both had office suites, Zac’s with a meeting room and a second office for when he needed one of his employees to work from Montana rather than Silicon Valley. Lacey had an editing suite as well as a study, but there were still several rooms shut up and unused on all floors.
Their favorite sitting room was a large, high-ceilinged room at the front of the house with huge windows looking out from the front and the side. The room was painted a matte white to match the woodwork and the marble of the fireplace, the floor a polished oak, but the cheerful red of the sectional couch and love seats, the vibrant cushions and drapes and the fire crackling in the grate gave the room a cozy air. Biscuit headed straight to the rug in front of the fire, turned round five times and collapsed into a squashed platypus position, immediately letting out a huge snore. Nat took a love seat with slightly less fanfare, wishing he could fall asleep with such an easy conscience. Gratefully, he took the beer and sandwich Lacey held out and stared into the dancing flames, letting the warmth soothe him.
“Everything okay?” Zac asked.
Nat couldn’t bring himself to look his future brother-in-law in the eye. “Fine,” he lied.
“Poor Linnea.” Lacey curled up next to her fiancé, putting her head on his shoulder. Nat couldn’t help but notice how they fit together, two halves of the same whole. “How is she?”
“Remarkably well, she’s a strong woman.” He stared at the flames a little longer. “I was thinking, I might take off before New Year. Makes sense to head over to Nashville sooner rather than later, they’ve been asking me to get there sooner.” He couldn’t look at Lacey as he spoke. Didn’t want to see the judgment—or worse, the understanding, in her eyes.
“Head off? But… I thought you were going to stick around until into the new year?
“I’ll still be here for Christmas, Lace.” He tried for insouciance. “You know what it’s like. There’s a ton of PR set up. I need to do my part and I can’t if I’m in the middle of Montana.”
“Has this got something to do with Linnea?”
Oh, she was sharp. Or maybe he’d just been fooling himself and everyone knew how he felt.
“She’s just had a traumatic experience. She needs some time for her and the girls to settle into Marietta properly, she doesn’t need distractions. We like each other, but there’s no big romance. It’s time to call it a day before things get all complicated and messy.”
“So you’re running away?”
“I’m just going to get some more wood for the fire,” Zac interjected. He dropped a kiss on Lacey’s head. “Go easy on him.”
Lacey waited until Zac had left the room and then she rounded on Nat. “So that’s it? You’re giving up without a fight?”
“I’m respecting her wishes. Besides, I was never planning to stay. Better to head off early than risk hurting her, or the girls. They don’t need any more complications in their life.”
Lacey didn’t speak for a long time, when she did her voice was thick, as if holding back tears. “Growing up the way we did, we never had to deal with conflict. If friendships turned bad or awkward it was fine, we were out of there soon. But life isn’t like that, if you always slip away when things are hard then how will you grow? How will you learn to be happy? You know you
have written the best songs of your whole life, the realest things you have ever composed over the last few weeks. You used your heart. Isn’t that worth fighting for?”
Of course it was—but the risk was too much. “What if it’s not enough? What if I’m not enough?”
Lacey’s face softened as she moved to sit by Nat on the love seat, snuggling in as if they were children once again. “Then it will hurt. That’s how life is, brother-mine. There are no guarantees of a happy ending. But if she’s worth it, then isn’t it a risk you should take?”
“She turned me down before.”
“Before?”
“In high school. Didn’t think we should see each other after we left Marietta.”
“Is that why you left before prom?”
“There was no reason to stay around. I’m not the forever guy, Lace. I’m the starter guy, the getting-over-heartbreak guy, but I’m not the forever guy. I need to accept that and move on.”
“You weren’t the forever guy because the timing wasn’t right. It doesn’t mean it isn’t now, or it won’t be in the future. Nat, this is your chance. To choose your own brand, your own direction. If partying in Nashville and making music to sell is what you really want, then go. Have fun. But if you want more, in any area of your life, then you need to learn to fight for it. Happiness is a long game.”
Nat watched the flames dance, his eyes heavy. What if he laid himself on the line and she walked away? What if everything he had ever suspected about himself—that he was good for the here and now, but too insubstantial for the long haul—was true? He’d never been tempted to test the theory. Never been tempted to find out just what he was made of. If things got tough then, like Lacey said, he packed up and moved on.
What would life be like if he didn’t pack up? He’d never contemplated it before this Christmas, but seeing Lacey so happy, his parents so content with their new life, finding himself part of a community, he couldn’t help but wonder. Was the kind of happiness he’d experienced over the last few weeks just for Christmas—or was he worthy of it all year long?
One thing for sure. He’d never find out if he turned tail and ran away. There were no guarantees if he stayed, that was for sure. But it was time Nat worked out what kind of man he wanted to be, what kind of man he was. A man who spoke, who acted from the heart—or the shallow playboy depicted on the cover of his album? Only one road led to happiness. He knew that now. And that kind of happiness had to be fought for, to be earned. He had to prove he was worthy. That he could be trusted. That Linnea’s heart was safe with him.
That it always has been, it had just taken him ten years it figure it out.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Nervous, Elsie?”
“A little.” Elsie confessed, smoothing down her long skirt. She looked adorable. Both girls did, in their long, Victorian-style skirts and cloaks.
Vika lifted her phone once more, directing the girls to stand together by the living room window so she could take their picture with the snow-covered trees as a backdrop. “You’ll be amazing. I can’t wait to see you on that stage.”
Linnea picked up her bag and bent over to give both her daughters a kiss. “Okay, I’m heading over to give Lacey a hand with the setting up. Mormor will be bringing you over in a couple of hours so take those clothes off carefully and hang them up. You can get changed at the Graff, okay?”
“See you there, Mommy,” Betsy said, but Elsie bit her lip.
“Will Nat be there?”
Linnea’s chest squeezed. She was doing her very best not to think about Nat. “Later, he’s directing the concert, but I doubt he’ll be there to set up.” It wasn’t that she was avoiding him exactly, but she had been grateful to hand her accompanist duties over to Mrs. Bloom and put all her energies into the administrative side of the concert instead, working safely from home or from her office in the orchard. It was easier than seeing him, easier than second-guessing the only decision she could reasonably make. “Have you said thank you to him for finding you?”
“Yes.”
“Good girl, sweetie”
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Are you angry with Nat?”
Linnea’s breath caught in her throat. “Of course not. He found you, didn’t he? I’ve just been busy.”
“Good, I didn’t want him to leave with you not speaking.”
“Leave?” Linnea’s looked up sharply. “He’s in town for a few more weeks isn’t he?”
“He’s moving out of the Summer House the day after Christmas.” Betsy piped up, her eyes clouded. “I’ll miss him—I hope Biscuit won’t be too sad away from me.”
“He’s taking Biscuit? How do you know he’s leaving?”
“He said something to Mrs. Bloom on Tuesday. Said his plans had changed.” Elsie shrugged. “Come on, Betsy, let’s go get changed, see you there, Mommy.”
“Okay, darlings.” Linnea moved mechanically toward the door, her mind buzzing.
Nat was leaving earlier? It didn’t make any sense—or maybe it made all too much sense. He was a wanderer who hated being tied down. He was just off to the next town, the next woman. It should make her feel vindicated by her decision to put a stop to whatever their relationship was—but instead she just felt sad. Somehow they had managed to get a second chance and yet it was ending just like the first, with Linnea pushing him away and Nat leaving early.
Neither of them had learned their lesson after all.
“Are you okay, Linnea?” Vika’s concerned tone brought Linnea back to the here and now and she forced a smile.
“Of course, the Christmas vacation is about to begin. I’m so excited that the girls are getting to have a real Swedish Christmas this year. I don’t think they will be too impressed with their first experience of dipping in the kettle, do you?” Traditionally on Christmas Eve, Swedish families dipped a piece of bread into a thin soup as a reminder of lean times. Neither Elsie nor Betsy were big fans of soup and Linnea was looking forward to seeing their faces when given their Christmas Eve lunch.
“You were just the same when you were little.” Her mother reminded her. “Screwed up nose and all. And just like they will be, you were rewarded with gingerbread, they’re not that hard done by—and we all make up for it with a feast later.”
“And the day afterwards. Whose idea was it to have both a Swedish and American Christmas again?”
“I think it was yours,” Vika said. “Besides, it works out beautifully. Ham one day, turkey the next…”
“And enough leftovers to last into the New Year. Plus presents from my side of the family on Christmas Eve and Logan’s in the morning, double the fun.” She was speaking as brightly as she could, but she could tell Vika wasn’t fooled.
“Linnea, what happened between you and Nat? You were looking happier than you had for a long time?”
How could her mother not know? “Elsie ran away, Mom, that’s what happened. I wasn’t paying attention.”
“You’re not to blame for that, Linnea.”
Linnea stared at her mother, blinking in disbelief. “Of course I am. Who else is there? I am all those girls have. I am their mother and their father and there is no room for error, no one to pick up the slack.”
“So that’s why you stopped seeing Nat? To punish yourself? Oh, Linnea.”
The disappointment in her mother’s voice was almost as painful to hear as Linnea’s guilt was to bear. “No, not at all. But I dropped the ball, Mom. I knew Elsie was unhappy, sure, but I didn’t see that she was desperate.”
“We all missed that and, Linnea, you couldn’t have done more. You organized lots of fun activities for her, made this Christmas really special. She felt things more keenly than anyone could have guessed, that’s all.”
“I missed it because I was distracted. By Nat. And the worst thing of all is that I let her down for someone who was always going to move on. For someone who has no intention of being part of my life, being part of the girls’ life. T
hat’s what makes it so unforgivable.”
“So you’re punishing Nat as well as yourself?” Vika asked gently.
Linnea marched into the hallway and grabbed her coat from the hat stand. “You heard the girls. He’s already halfway out of town. He’ll be gone the second Christmas is over.”
“Yes. He’s running away—and so are you.”
Linnea stood stock-still and stared at her mother. “What are you talking about? I’m right here!”
Vika put her hand to her chest. “In your heart, darling. You told me once that you felt like Logan let you down, dying as he did, when he did. I think you are so busy expecting Nat Hathaway to let you down that you’re pushing him away before he has a chance to. Maybe he will. But I’ve seen the way that boy looks at you, Linnea, and I’ve seen the way your eyes glow when you look at him. If you think there’s any chance you will regret it then don’t let him walk away.”
“I don’t have a choice. He’s a grown man and he makes his own decisions.” Linnea ran her hands through her hair, before grabbing her hat and jamming it on her head with extra vigor.
“Talk to him, Linnea,” Vika said, coming to the door and watching her walk away. “Just talk to him. That’s all I ask.”
*
Linnea drove to the Graff on autopilot, anger and disquiet mingling within her. How dare her mother call her out like that? Of course calling an end to her relationship with Nat was the right choice. Relationship? A date and a few kisses, that was all. Thank goodness they hadn’t taken it any further. But, as she entered Main Street, the Christmas lights hanging from the store fronts already lit, cheering up the winter gloom, she couldn’t help replaying not only the kisses, but the time they had spent together. All those moments when she had felt less alone, those conversations when she had felt completely understood, those glances when she had felt a flush of happiness, as if she were the most beautiful woman in the state.
Their Christmas Carol (Big Sky Hathaways Book 2) Page 16
