by Heller, JB
I block out everything around me and focus on the warmth of the sun on my face. I should have known it wouldn’t last. Huxley Haynes opening up to me, being with me—of course it was too good to be true.
At least I got to feel his lips on mine, even if it was just that once.
I take a couple more steadying breaths before I turn back to him. I give him the same smile I give Wayne when I’m humoring him. The one that most people see and think is real, but they haven’t got a clue how I really feel.
“Don’t do that,” Hux says, and I notice his camera in his hands.
“Don’t do what?” I ask.
He puts his camera on the picnic table and stands. “Don’t pretend with me. You never have before. Why start now?”
I should have known he would be able to tell the difference. He’s the most irritatingly observant person I’ve ever met. I shrug. “Why not? You don’t want the real me, so why should I keep giving her to you?”
He clenches his fists by his sides and grits his teeth. “Fuck that, El. You know that’s not what I meant.”
My hands grip my hips, and I stare him down. “Really? Because that’s what it sounded like.”
His expression morphs to one of anguish as he closes the distance between us and takes my face in his hands. “I’m leaving, El. Kissing you is a bad idea. For both of us.” His fingertips push into my hair, and his head lowers a fraction. “Don’t pretend with me. Please.”
His words cause tears to prick my eyes but not fall. “I don’t understand what you want, Hux.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. And if we keep this up, it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot when I go.”
Closing my eyes, I drop my head to his chest. “I know,” I breathe. Because it’s true. It’s going to hurt when he leaves. And he’s right. The closer we get, the worse it will be. But I don’t care.
Hux wraps his arms around me and holds me for a few minutes while I come to terms with never having his lips against mine again.
I am surprised when he lets me hold his hand as we walk back to my car and on the drive to the school. When we arrive, he leans over and presses a soft kiss to my temple before he gets out.
And I sit in my car. Alone. Wondering where I went wrong.
Why can’t I be happy with my superficial friends and superficial life? I was content in it before I started spending time with Hux.
I guess letting loose and being myself is addictive, and I want more of it. But I only seem to have the strength to do that when I am with Hux and my family.
Before I can finish my little pity party for one, a loud tapping startles me. For a moment, I think it might be him, but unfortunately, it’s Wayne.
Sighing heavily, I reach into the backseat, grab my bag, then get out of my car.
“What’s cookin’, good lookin’?” Wayne says while eyeing me up and down.
I inwardly cringe at his obvious perusal but plaster a smile on my face. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I wink as we start walking through the parking lot.
“You know I would, baby girl. When are you going to give in and go out with me?” He pouts.
I pretend to think it over. “Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe when you make me the right offer.” I trail my eyes over his body and grin at him.
“Damn,” he drawls then bites down on his bottom lip.
I give him a little finger wave. “I’ve gotta run. I’ll talk to you later,” I say as I start walking in the opposite direction. I have to drop Jason’s lunch off.
When I get to Jason’s bag, I glance around to make sure nobody notices me as I slide the two brown paper bags inside of his. Just as I’m about to walk away, I see Hux leaning against the wall a few yards up the hall, and he’s watching me.
I’m not sure how to be around him now. Am I supposed to keep ignoring him while secretly admiring him and exchanging glances with him when nobody’s looking? Or am I supposed to ignore him for real?
He answers my unspoken question when he tilts his chin toward me and sends me a quick wink and a small grin. This time, the smile that covers my face isn’t fake.
Chapter Six
The uncertainty in Eliza’s gaze made me feel like a fucking asshole. I’d done that. I’d dimmed the sparkle in her eyes that was there this morning as she sang into her hairbrush. I had to fix it, and I had to keep my distance. But I didn’t know how to do both.
I’d grinned and sent her a wink, and I thanked God when her smile emerged—her real smile. Seeing it lifted the weight that had settled on my shoulders the moment I realized I had to keep a distance between us.
I want her. There’s no doubt about that in my mind. But I also know if I let myself get too much closer, it will only make it that much harder for me to leave.
If anyone had asked me a few weeks ago if anything could keep me here, I’d have said hell no. But I’m beginning to doubt that. And I can’t. This has always been my plan. I can’t deviate now, no matter how much she makes me want to.
I’m walking down the embankment to my tree when something shoves into my back, making me stumble forward and almost lose my footing. I swing around, ready to give the person a piece of my mind, but I come face-to-face with a head of messy brown waves. My fingers instantly itch to push her hair away from her pretty face.
A coy smile lifts her lips. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I tripped over my own feet.”
I haven’t got a clue what she’s doing, but I play along. “Yeah, well, watch it next time.” I smirk.
Her eyes sparkle with mischief. “Trust me, I wouldn’t touch you by choice.”
My brows jump, and I close in on her. “Oh, really?” I watch her chest rise and fall with her excited breaths. “You should be so lucky.”
Eliza licks her lips quickly. “Oh, honey, you actually think a girl like me would be lucky to have you? That’s cute.”
I narrow my eyes on her. “Any girl would be lucky to have a piece of me. If only you knew what I could do to you. To that prim-and-proper exterior you parade around with.” I step so close our chests are nearly touching. I drop my mouth and whisper in her ear, “I’d love to mess up that queen-bee persona you’ve got going on, but you couldn’t handle me, princess.”
Then, I leave her standing there, glaring, panting, and looking so damn hot I want to drag her back to her car so I can fuck that look right off her face.
She is clearly turned on, and knowing that I got her so worked up with nothing but my words … I shake my head and blow out a big breath. I’m in so much fucking trouble with this girl.
By the time I make it to my tree and sit leaning against the trunk, I see her walking over to her friends. They question her about our encounter, and I can tell she’s painting me as an asshole.
Her friend Yazzie is glaring at me, and I smile widely in return.
I slide my hand into my pocket to retrieve my phone so I can double check with Johnno where we’re working this afternoon. A piece of paper falls out with it. Frowning, I pick it up and unfold it. It’s from Eliza, and it’s addressed to Mr. Mysterious. She must have slipped it in there when she ran into me.
Mr. Mysterious,
I get why you’re pushing me away. You’re leaving and don’t want to hurt me. But it doesn’t make me want to be with you any less.
You’re on my mind all the time, even when I’m surrounded by people who think they know me.
You make me feel alive. If I can only have that for a short time, until you leave, I’ll take it.
Think about it.
Princess
I let out a deep breath and drop my head back against the trunk. Shit.
When I look up again, she’s watching me cautiously. I try to smile back at her, to assure her that we’re cool, but I’m not sure how well I pull it off because she doesn’t look comforted.
Pulling my camera out of my pack, I flick through the couple of pictures I took of her this morning. She looks like an angel with that one ray of light breaking through the treetops s
hinning down on her.
I’ll keep this photo forever. No matter what happens with us, I can’t let go of her completely when I leave. I know that now.
Turning off the display, I slide the camera into my pack and pick up my cell. It’s a piece of crap, but it’s all I need. It makes calls, and it can text. That’s it.
Unlocking the screen, I flick a quick text to Johnno, double checking the address for this afternoon before working out how long it will take me to walk there. If the job is too far from the school, Johnno comes and picks me up, but today it’s a close one.
That afternoon, as I’m leaving the school grounds, El’s Rover pulls up beside me. I still haven’t figured out what to say in response to her letter. So, when she rolls down the passenger window, I lean in, crossing my arms over the frame, and smile at her.
She raises a brow. “So?”
I scratch my temple and gnaw on my bottom lip, and her shoulders slump. “It’s not like that, El. Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop. Everything you said in that note, I feel it too. I do. But you make it sound so simple, and it’s not.”
The hope that appeared briefly vanishes just as quickly as it emerged. “Why? I think you’re making it more complicated than it needs to be, Hux. I want you; you want me. What’s so complicated about that?”
I close my eyes because the look in hers right now is weakening my resolve. When I open them, I catch sight of the time on her dash. “Shit, I’ve gotta go, princess. Can we talk about this later? Tomorrow. I promise we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
She sighs. “Yeah, okay.”
“Thank you,” I say with a wink, and just as I’m stepping away, she stops me.
“Wait, you have a phone. Give me your number,” she demands.
I shake my head. “It’s just a shit box. I only use it for work.”
“I don’t care. Give it to me,” she says, holding her hand out.
Reaching into my pocket, I grab it and hand it over. She punches in her number then hands it back. “Now call me.”
She programed herself as Princess, and I grin at her. “Feeling pushy today, huh?” But I do as she says and hit call.
Her phone starts singing, and unsurprisingly, it’s another freaking Bieber song. “We’re really going to have to do something about all this Bieber shit you’re into.”
“I’d like to see you try,” she says, then she pulls away from the curb, and I jog the rest of the way to the job site to avoid being late.
Johnno and the crew are in the middle of assembling a timber deck when I arrive. “’Sup, boys?” I call as I throw my pack into the back of the truck.
I’m greeted with grunts and grumbles from the boys, then Johnno comes over and shows me where he wants me. It’s a big project, and we’ll be here for the next few days, but at least I won’t smell like horse shit.
When I get home, the front door is open a fraction, and I can hear banging and crashing coming from inside. Apprehension fills me as I step in and see Dad throwing an empty beer can at the wall. He’s on one of his binges. He probably didn’t go to work today in favor of sitting around drinking.
The house is trashed. The coffee table is on its side, broken booze bottles and empty cans are scattered all over the floor, the TV is hanging on the wall at a weird angle, and everything’s been wiped off the kitchen counter. “What the hell?” I say as I walk through the living room, dodging broken glass.
There’s a photo album I’ve never seen before sitting on the arm of Dad’s recliner, and I pick it up to see a picture of my parents on their wedding day. They look so happy, and my gut clenches.
“YOU!” my dad roars as he marches toward me, his fists clenched. “You ruined everything! I never wanted you. It was all her. And you fucked everything up!”
I swallow down the bile rising in my throat, but I don’t respond. What can I possibly say? I did ruin everything. I ruined both their lives.
He shoves me back against the wall. “We were perfect together. She loved me, and I fucking worshipped her!” he yells in my face, his rancid breath washing over me, and I avert my gaze.
He towers over me as I shrink into myself, and he continues to spew his rage and hate all over me. And I take it. I deserve it. My heart splinters in my chest, and I want to rip it out. It would hurt less.
When he finally takes a step back, I go to move away from the wall and retreat to my room, but he grabs my shoulder and reels me back. “It’s all your fault!” he grits out through clenched teeth. And before I know what’s happening, his fist slams into my jaw.
Pain ricochets through my skull, then his hand is around my throat, squeezing. “I hate you,” he seethes. Anguish shimmers in his gaze as his grip tightens. Stars flicker in my vision before he finally shoves himself away and staggers back, releasing me.
I stumble down the hall to my room, collapsing against the door as I close and lock it then slide to the floor. I grit my teeth to stop the useless tears from falling. My jaw throbs, and the clenching makes it worse. My teeth feel like they’re going to fall out. My head pounds so hard I can feel my pulse beating in my brain.
This is the first time he’s ever hit me intentionally. And now that he’s finally done it, I know it won’t be the last. I can feel it in my gut. This is just the beginning of a new kind of hell.
Chapter Seven
I waited until I was sure Dad had passed out last night before I left my room to get a bag of frozen peas for my face. Putting the cold compress on my already swollen jaw stung like a motherfucker, but I knew it would reduce the bruise and hopefully make the swelling go down by morning.
And it did. A little.
But not enough for it to go unnoticed. I don’t need anyone asking questions, especially Eliza. Goddamn it, Eliza. I’m supposed to talk to her this morning, and I can’t even face her. This is just another reason I need to keep her at a distance. I can’t tell her about him. About me.
I glance at the clock. Dad should have left for work by now. Opening my door, I listen for any sign of him. Luckily, I’m met with complete and utter silence. I duck into the bathroom and take a quick piss then grab another bag of peas for my face.
My cell pings with an incoming text as I return to my room, and I know it’s her.
PRINCESS: Where are you?
I sigh and tap out a quick response.
HUX: Not feeling well. Staying home today.
Before I’ve even put my phone down, it pings again.
PRINCESS: What number is your house?
Hell no. She can’t come here. I haven’t cleaned up his mess yet, and I definitely can’t let her see me.
HUX: Doesn’t matter. You can’t come here. Go to school, El.
She types much faster than I do. Sure enough, a response comes through in seconds.
PRINCESS: Tell me or I’ll knock on all the doors on the left-hand side of the street until I find you.
Jesus, she doesn’t let up. But there’s no way she’s seeing the house like this—or my face.
HUX: No, El, I don’t want to make you sick.
When she doesn’t reply immediately, I think I’ve won. But that was foolish.
PRINCESS: I think you’re trying to get out of our conversation. If you’re going to tell me that you don’t want me, just say it already. Don’t give me hope if there is none, Hux.
My fist shoots into the wall, and the plaster cracks, giving me a fraction of satisfaction.
HUX: I do want you, dammit. I know I told you we’d talk, but I can’t right now. I’m sorry. Just go to school, princess. We’ll talk later. I promise.
This time, she doesn’t reply.
* * *
I walk into the living area to survey the damage. It’s not as bad as I was expecting. Finally hitting me must have released his frustrations enough that he didn’t have to keep taking it out on the house.
An hour passes on straightening the living room, then I move on to the kitchen. Of course, his precious beer—what’s left of it—
is still in its place in the fridge, but he’s pulled the cutlery drawer out and smashed a few plates. Nothing I can’t handle.
I set to cleaning the broken glass then the cutlery. By the time I’m done, it’s mid-morning, and my face is throbbing, so I grab a few Tylenols and get the peas out again.
When I get back to my room, I see a text from Eliza waiting for me.
PRINCESS: Meet me at the stream this afternoon at five.
I rub my temples as I think it over. The swelling has gone down considerably, but it still hurts like a bitch. And the whole right side of my face is covered in a mottled black-and-purple bruise, not to mention my neck.
But I could just keep my hoodie on. Yeah, that could work. So, I text her back.
HUX: I’ll be there.
Then, I shoot a text to Johnno and let him know I won’t make it today. I’ve only skipped out on him twice before. This will be my third in nearly five years. And both those other times, I’d literally been so sick I couldn’t get out of bed.
Johnno doesn’t question why I’m not coming, and I’m grateful. I don’t want to lie to him. That man is more a father to me than my own, and being untruthful with him doesn’t sit right with me.
That afternoon, I throw a hoodie on over a pair of jeans and walk to the stream in the forest ten minutes from my house. I arrive just before five, and she’s already there, waiting for me.
She’s sitting on a boulder in the middle of the calf-deep, crystalline water. Her arms are wrapped around her bent knees where she rests her cheek and stares off into the distance.
I take her in: the curve of her spine, the line of her slender neck, her chocolate waves cascading over one of her smooth shoulders. She’s too perfect for words.
