The first step in embracing fear is acknowledging it. Think of the areas in your life where you fear fearful. You’re probably so used to tucking your fear away and trying to ignore it that you may not even realize where it exists (I used to be a pro at ignoring fear; it’s totally common). But really dig deep and examine where fear crops up for you. Once you’ve done this, get comfortable with becoming present to it. You may even want to say out loud, “I’m afraid of X” or write it down in your journal.
After you’ve acknowledged your fear, start to gently embrace it. You can even express gratitude for it. Like I said above, our fears are not a bad thing. Fear is like a big, flashing, neon pink sign that says: “Hey you! Something big is going on here! Check it out!” So be grateful for your fears, and greet them with kindness. The quicker we embrace our fears, the quicker we can disarm them and take away their hold on us. When you stop fighting something, you immediately take away its power.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS EXERCISE
In what area of your life can you embrace fear?
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Reap the Rewards
Last year, I planned a solo trip to London and Paris. A caveat to this story is that I used to be terrified of flying. I’m talking grip-your-seat, ask –the-flight-attendants-if-they-smell-smoke, heart-palpitations scared. Whenever I traveled somewhere, I spent the weeks leading up to that trip paralyzed with anxiety and fear over the upcoming flight. In fact, it ruined most vacations for me because even though I made it to my destination, I obsessed over the flight home so I rarely enjoyed the time I was away.
But last year, something changed for me. My desire to travel to London and Paris suddenly greatly outweighed my fear of flying – and flying alone. You know those moments in life where you suddenly feel this superwoman-like strength and decide to create a situation for yourself to thrive in? It’s almost like I set this trip up to prove to myself that I could do it. It was a learning experience, business trip, and vacation all wrapped into one.
If you know me, then you know that my business is my baby. I created The Champagne Diet® six years ago, and in that time what started as a little unknown blog has grown into a full-blown brand and business filled with amazing clients, books, workshops, and more. And it just so happens because of the magic of the Internet, many of my clients, readers, and friends are based outside of the US. So when a few of my UK clients and readers began asking when I’d be on their side of the pond, I knew I wanted to make a trip of it. London is my absolute favorite city in the world, and I hop on any chance to travel there. And what’s London without Paris? I mean come on, a two-hour train ride to the Eiffel tower? How can a gal say no?
As my trip began to take shape, I chatted with Paris-based writer Lisa Czarina (whose story you read earlier), and we decided to throw a soiree to mark my first trip to the City of Light. We worked with a local luxury vacation rental company, secured a fabulous apartment in the heart of Paris to throw our party in, and began planning (we’re Italian girls; any excuse to eat and drink, right?) With a guest list overflowing with Paris’ most fabulous bloggers and entrepreneurs, my plane and train tickets booked, and hotel secured, this trip was on.
The weeks leading up to my trip were filled with a mix of anxiety and excitement. I watched fear of flying videos on You-Tube, tracked countless Virgin Atlantic flights to prove to myself they actually take off and land safely every day (what a concept, right?) and practiced deep breathing techniques. I relentlessly tried to brainwash myself into not being afraid to fly halfway across the world by myself. Although some of those tactics worked to calm me down temporarily, the truth was, in the back of my mind, I was still scared. Even though the fear was real, every time I felt it, I shifted my focus to the excitement of my trip. I looked photos of Paris online, planned my outfits, and thought about all the amazing people I was about to meet.
The morning of my flight I was so entrenched in nervousness that I didn’t even drink coffee because I was worried it would make me too jittery (and me skipping coffee is like the Earth not rotating. It just does not happen). I remember getting to the airport and having a glass of champagne. And then having another glass. And then having another. As we boarded the plane, I could feel my heart race. Even a couple of glasses of bubbly couldn’t calm me down. Still, I embraced the fear I felt and got on the plane. And you know what? I was fine. Was I uncomfortable? Absolutely. I mean, who can be totally at-ease while hovering 30,000 feet above the Earth!? But little by little, I felt better and before I knew it, I had landed in London. And I felt like a million bucks.
By embracing my fear of flying and doing it anyway, I was able to conquer it. The fear wasn’t gone; I simply refused to let it control me. Suddenly, my fear no longer had power. I wasn’t paralyzed; I was liberated. It’s all about pushing ourselves past that point of discomfort. If you can accomplish that, the reward will be greater than you can imagine.
FEARLESS & FABULOUS SUCCESS STORY
An Essay by Victoria James
Thestylejournal.co.uk
I don’t remember traveling to the airport that day ... for me, flying was just a means to an end, like getting in the car, or catching a train. I loved the anticipation of discovering a new corner of the world ... but I never remembered any of the journey. There was nothing to take any notice of, an insignificant part of a day. Just like I don’t remember brushing my teeth, or my first cup of tea in the morning.
I had always had a sense of excitement for any trip whether with family, friends or on my own and had a very deep-rooted wanderlust which was never far from my mind, but the actual flying part never registered as anything other than a way to get somewhere else.
That day however, I do remember stepping into the tunnel leading to the plane, walking hand-in-hand with the man I had fallen crazy-in-love with towards the means that would take us to our first romantic holiday together ... and I was suddenly petrified. A wave of unexplainable, crippling fear washed over me. I had never experienced anything like it in my life.
I was always such a free-spirited person. No cares or worries, always looking forward to the next amazing thing that I knew was right around every corner so I had no way to explain these feelings to this guy smiling at me like he knew this was to be the first of many fabulous holidays together. So I kept my mouth shut, panicked like crazy inside myself and felt like the whole world was inexplicably caving in around me.
Being rather blasé about things I buried it. Didn’t think about any of my feelings and just thought that by the time our next holiday came around I’d be over it.
In the mean time, we saved up and bought a house together, planned the most amazing wedding, partied until the sun came up and knew our honeymoon would be just what we needed after eighteen months of wedding planning and career changes.
We collected our luggage, arrived at the airport, went to board and there it was again. Like a huge slap in my just-married glowing face.
FEAR.
I couldn’t believe it. I was freaking out inside again. The only thing keeping me going was the thought of hot sun and two weeks of just us.
We had a beautiful time, but the thought of flying home again was never far from my mind and I was a nervous mess.
After our honeymoon came Paris, then Amsterdam and the fear got worse every time so I resigned myself to the fact holidays just weren’t for me and locked the feelings away. I couldn’t stand the embarrassment of talking about it, never mind how I cringe at the memory of asking the poor cabin crew member on the Amsterdam flight if I was going to die that day. Awful – just awful.
That was nearly ten years ago. In this time, my husband’s career has seen him spend a lot of time all over Europe, Japan, Brazil, India and Thailand. Every time he went away I would be beside myself with a mix of anxiety for his flight and envy that he was able
to see these amazing places and I felt I couldn’t go, which then made me furious with myself. My wanderlust has never gone – I just locked it away.
So this new year, aware that I was about to turn 35, I decided enough was enough. Surely by 35 a girl is supposed to have her shit together?
I have a gorgeous life and genuinely feel blessed every day. I have my own businesses which I love and feel fulfilled in most areas ... but I haven’t stepped foot out the UK in nearly ten years.
In this time, I’ve avoided facing up to my fear. Using reasons like, “Oh, we’re moving house, we can’t holiday this year” or “No, I just started a business so I can’t take time away from that” and my best/most ridiculous yet ...
“I just had to have the limited edition Gucci bag so a holiday is definitely off the cards.”
Yes, I actually said those words out loud. (I do love that bag though – it just gets better with age).
Anyway ...
Time for change, so I decided to get to know myself and think about who I am so I can build myself into the person I envisaged I would be at 35.
We’re also coming up to our 10th wedding anniversary this year and I cannot face the thought of not celebrating it in style. We both deserve a magnificent holiday to relax and unwind so I had to get over myself and face up to my fear ...
There’s a guy I know of who practices hypnotherapy, and having decided I wanted to get to the root of my problem rather than cover it with pills, I decided to get in touch. I see him in passing every month or so as his wife has a salon just near my boutique. The next time I saw him, I decided to go from a friendly smile to a verbal interaction. I could do this. So, putting the law of attraction to play, I visualized bumping into him and asking for his help. I literally couldn’t believe it when parking my car up the very next day, he came walking by. It was meant to be. So I spoke to him and honestly, it was the best thing I’ve done.
A couple of weeks later I found myself sat in his office talking through my fear of flying, while he asked about other general areas of my lifestyle, career and down-time.
Turns out, I had allowed this fear to limit myself so much so that when I looked back at opportunities I had let pass me by, I just knew I had to take control of this and if hypnotherapy was a solution, then I was willing to give it a try.
I just needed the desire to address it and he would be able to give me the tools required to solve the problem. Christian’s mantra is “What the mind believes, you will achieve.”
He explained that the process we were about to go through was not an over-ride of my own feelings – he wouldn’t be telling me “You’re not afraid of flying anymore.” It has to come from within yourself, so during the hypnosis you do a lot of visualisation and this process begins to realign your thinking and feelings towards the issue.
We were going to turn my ‘Fear of Flying’ dial down from maximum to an acceptable, reasonable level, and turn up my ‘Confidence to Fly’ dial from minimum to as high as I wanted it to go. It’s about making the two parts of your brain work together in the right way again. The part of your brain that tells you you’re afraid is the same part of the brain that remembers automatic function such as how to walk, how to drive, how to use a knife and fork. You don’t re-learn these things every day, they are remembered.
This part of my brain was remembering and reminding me that I was afraid of flying – something that I just needed to process through and remember isn’t actually a threat. It was a learned reaction which could have started from something totally unrelated, like a stressful situation coupled with a plane journey which means your brain could then associate flying with feeling stressed.
Looking back, that first time I felt frightened was at a very stressful time in my life. I just thought I was okay because I was about to go on holiday. It would make sense for this to have been my trigger.
Being hypnotized is like a relaxing, blissed-out super-charged sleep – but I was conscious, my mind full of vibrant, moving images right there in front of me while all the time feeling cocooned in the marshmallow comfort of his reclining chair. Cosy, safe, happy and I was left feeling refreshed, super-smiley and knowing I was able to achieve anything.
So after a couple of sessions, I did it. My 35th birthday came around, along with my goal of getting back to Paris. This was it.
Due to my husband’s frequent flying we were able to use the BA lounge at Heathrow, so at 5am that Saturday morning we were sat with a glass of gin, eating a delicious breakfast, waiting to board our flight with my renewed confidence in flying and it felt fabulous! Don’t get me wrong, I was nervous, but at the same time empowered that I was taking control of a fear that has held me back for years equipped with the tools I had learned to control my thoughts.
Getting off the plane at the other end was not the high I imagined it to be. I was very calm, no emotional spike. Just like I was undoing my seatbelt in the car ready to get on with my day. This left me feeling confused ...
Paris was amazing. We packed in every minute of our time there and I loved it but the flat feeling remained – I wanted a high but it was no where to be found!
I realised, this is exactly how I was supposed to feel. There was no elation, because why would there be? I flew. I was on holiday. That was it. Bit of an anti-climax really after all that fuss for the last 10 years. I can admit to feeling a little disappointed, but happy that I had done it.
Then it came to flying home, Sunday evening, back in the airport lounge and I was feeling terrified. What was this all about?! I could not believe this was happening. I didn’t even get excited about the free champagne in the lounge so I knew something was amiss. I LOVE champagne and I take any excuse to break a bottle open!
Boarding our flight was very difficult for me, however the cabin crew were amazing, they took the time to talk to me, inviting me to speak to the pilots before take off and all of a sudden I felt totally calm again. Like someone had waved a wand and magically swiped the fear away. The wave of fear that came all those years ago withdrew and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my body. My chest and shoulders relaxed, my hands stopped feeling hot and I was smiling ear to ear.
I took my seat, remembered my tools and I can say with absolute certainty, I LOVED every second of that flight. Take off was exhilarating and I even spent time looking out the window enjoying the view.
It was everything I had hoped I would feel and more! This was the high I had been missing on the way over. The excitable traveller my husband had never seen before was back and I WAS LOVING IT!
The captain invited me to talk to him and the co-pilot again after we landed so I could ask questions and he could speak to me about our journey and I cannot tell you how happy I was. I felt like an excitable child giving hugs and kisses to the crew and the pilots. I had done it! My fear is GONE! I LOVE flying again and I cannot wait to get booked onto my next flight so I can get this free spirit back out that has been away for so long.
My third session with Christian was booked five days after we returned, like a de-brief session and it turns out the flat feelings encountered on the way out were to be entirely expected. This trip has been ten years in the making, all that anticipation, time and anxiety needed to be processed with my newly learned thought processes and realigned back to where they should be. The feeling of a low before boarding was my brain re-assessing what my feelings were and processing them to feel real and accurate again with the help of reason and positive experience, then the high upon landing back in the UK was the proof that I’m over it – I can do it.
There is no need to feel afraid. This is perfectly safe and a completely normal thing to do and with that, the thought processing was complete.
That was the high. The knowing it was right, and I am capable of turning my fears around using the tools I am equipped with to face a fearful situation and do it anyway.
I feel fantastic every day and can apply the skills learned to any situation which feels uncomfortable or unnerving.
My life has been changed and I could not be happier – the high stays with me.
I learned from this, just because you are frightened doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. It’s a simple choice whether you enjoy what you are about to do or let yourself be afraid.
Perhaps it is our feelings towards flying and passion for bubbly that makes Victoria and I such kindred spirits. Whatever it is, I can honestly tell you that she is one fabulous woman (with a great fashion sense, to boot!) Her story should inspire you to never give up tackling those fears – and help you realize that doing so is not always a quick fix. Victoria continued to challenge her fear even when it seemed to keep cropping up. She is about to celebrate her tenth wedding anniversary in Greece and I could not be happier for her. I’ll be waving at you from the ground, Victoria, champagne in hand!
By embracing fear, I take away its power over me.
“Success is most often achieved by those
who don’t know that failure is inevitable.”
— Coco Chanel
I’m going to let you in on one of the biggest secrets of fearless and fabulous women: we don’t believe in failure. Think about it – fear would not exist if failure didn’t. We’re scared to take chances because we don’t want to fail. But what if you redefined your definition of failure? To me, failure is just a sign that I need to redirect my energy. Something didn’t work out one way, so I need to try a new way. This is how I’ve eliminated fear from my life. And it’s made everything feel possible.
Our society has done a great job at making us feel shameful about failure. We live in a highly competitive world where it’s all about winning. We are taught that we are incapable and worthless if we do not succeed at something. That attitude does nothing for us but keep us face-down and make us even more fearful.
Fearless & Fabulous: 10 Powerful Strategies for Getting Anything You Want in Life Page 5
