"If you go out in the -woods today.,."
I sang myself to sleep and didn't wake up until the whole house shook with Betsy's laughing, drunken entrance, slamming the front door. She stood in the hallway looking in at me, her body swaying. I was about to speak when a young man with dirty-blond hair, dressed in a dark blue athletic shirt and jeans, stepped up beside her and put his arm around her waist. He had tattoos over both his forearms. They looked like snakes twisting into what looked like chain links.
Betsy had gone directly to a clothing store and bought herself a new blouse-and-jean outfit with a pair of pink and white shoes. The blouse was halfopen, revealing her breasts almost down to the nipples.
"There he is, my stepbrother," she said, and laughed.
I was holding my breath in expectation. What had she told this stranger? "Hi there," he said, waving and then laughing.
"This is..." She turned and looked at the young man. His eves were set close above a thick nose that looked as if it had once been broken. "Was it Brad or Tad, I can't remember," she said, and laughed.
"Tad." He lifted his right hand to wave at me again.
"Brad is with a rock-and-roll band called..." Betsy looked at him, her eyes turning in her head like loose marbles.
"The Hungry Hearts!"
"Yeah. the Hungry Hearts. They're good, Maybe I'll take you to hear them one night when you're not working in your garden or chopping wood or painting poles." She laughed again. Then she seemed to sober up instantly and step a bit forward. "Did you get what had to be done, done?" she demanded.
"Yes," I lied. I thought, under the
circumstances, it was the wisest thing for me to do.
"Good. Good. Noble here is perfect," she told Tad. Then she tued on his arm. "C'mon. We'll use his room tonight. You don't mind, do you. Noble? I don't want to wake up you know who," she said in a conspiratorial tone.
I looked away and shook my head. She probably hadn't told him that Panther was her child.
She laughed again and pulled Tad to the stairway. I listened to them giggle and navigate their way upstairs, wondering if they would wake Mama. I almost wished they would. At least she would speak and move again, but apparently they didn't. Once they were in my room and had shut the door, the house returned to its ominous stillness.
I closed my eyes and made silent prayers.
When I opened them. Elliot was sitting across from me.
"Its almost over," he said. "The whole thing... it's almost over."
I simply stared at him. He no longer frightened me or surprised me. I could see that bothered him.
His smile softened to a grin of confusion. Then he shook his head.
"You're happy about that, aren't you? You wanted all this. You wanted me to succeed."
I said nothing.
I closed my eyes again, and when I opened them much later on, he was gone.
And in his place there was nothing but emptiness, a deep, dark emptiness that had settled comfortably in my heart and wrapped itself snugly around my very soul. There was nothing left for me to do but sleep, surrender to it like a soldier who had fought his best and settled regretfully but willingly into a bed of defeat.
At first light. I was waken by a tug on my hand and opened my eyes to see Baby Celeste standing there and looking at me.
"Celeste!" I cried, and scrubbed my cheeks with my palms. Is Panther awake. too?" She shook her head.
"Did Mama wake you?" I asked hopefully.
Again, she only shook her head.
"C'mon then, let's see how she is." I started up the stairs. She didn't follow. I looked back at her standing at the foot of the stairway. "Don't go anywhere now. Celeste. Were going to make breakfast in a minute."
She didn't reply. She just continued to stare up at me. I hurried to Mama's room, taking note as I passed my own bedroom that the door was shut. It would be quite a shock for Mama to see that Betsy had dared bring someone to our house like this. I thought.
Mama was awake, but she had the same distant look in her eyes. What frightened me the most, however, was seeing that she had wet herself like a baby.
"Oh. God. Mama," I cried,
She didn't look at me: she didn't in anyway acknowledge that she had heard me. For a moment I just turned in circles mina to think of what to do first. Then Panther began to cry. I anticipated Betsy risinc, to see about him, but the door of my bedroom never opened. I didn't know what to attend to first.
"Mama, you have to get up. You have to change and clean yourself. Please." I pleaded. "Mama."
She closed her eyes, then she opened them and looked at me. I held my breath. She smiled.
"Mama, oh, thank you, thank you," I moaned to every spirit that dwelled in and about our home.
"Noble?"
"Yes. Mama. yes. It's Noble. Now listen. You have had an accident. Please get up. We need to change the linen on your bed and you need to clean yourself"
"An accident?" Finally she realized what she had done. "Oh. I'm getting older. I guess." Panther's cries grew louder,
"Who's crying?"
"It's Panther."
"Panther? Who's Panther?" She started to prop up on her elbows,
"Betsy's Panther. Mama, Betsy's baby."
She looked at me and shook her head with confusion.
"Okay. Mama, Can you get up and get yourself out of these clothes? I'll look after the baby. okay?"
"Baby? Baby Celeste." she said. remembering.
"Yes, she's downstairs waiting for us to make breakfast."
Mama nodded. I guided her to her feet. She wobbled and then steadied herself. I directed her toward the bathroom, then went to look after Panther. He had to be changed. I tried to make as much noise as I could to wake Betsy. but I thought even if a bomb went off at the bedroom door, she wouldn't waken. Even if she did. I realized, she would be of little help.
Baby Celeste was already in the kitchen trying to get breakfast started. She had taken juice out of the refrigerator and found her little bowl for her cereal. I smiled at her efforts and then got Panther situated in his high chair. I prepared his breakfast, put up some oatmeal for Mama, and toasted some of her homemade bread.
Betsy had still not risen even after I had accomplished it all. I went up to check on Mama and found her sitting in the bathtub naked, but without any water. She was wiping a washcloth over her arms and body as if there were water and soap. The sight made me feel as if I were melting from top to bottom, my body sinking into a puddle at my feet.
"Mama... there's no water in the tub."
She looked at me and smiled. You come to wash my back?" she asked.
It was something she had often had Noble do when he was little. It was the one thing other than his imagining games that he took seriously. She offered me the washcloth. I lowered my head. What was I going to do?
The sound of Betsy's laughter spun me around. She was in the hallway. "Noble!" she screamed. "Where the hell are you?"
I looked at Mama. then I hurried out to see what Betsy wanted.
She was standing in my doorway, holding a pillow against her naked body.
"Bring us coffee and toast us some of that bread I like with that blackberry jam. Don't take all day either." she ordered. "Afterward, you and I will have a talk about things. Where's the queen?" she followed as an afterthought.
I thought I heard the sound of bees around my head. I looked back through Mama's bedroom door and then at the stairway.
"Oh, don't act like such a jerk," Betsy quipped. "Just do what I ask."
"Hey!" I heard her new boyfriend call. "Where the hell are we?"
Betsy laughed. "You're in herbal heaven," she cried, glared at me, then backed into my bedroom, "Hurry it up," she ordered, and closed the door.
I returned to Mama's bathroom. She was cut of the tub and wiping herself with a towel. I had to see about the children. They had been left alone too long.
"Ill be right back, Mama. I made oatmeal for you."
"Yo
u did? How sweet. But," she said, lowering her head and raising her eyes at me. "did you make it or did Celeste?"
"Celeste," I said softly.
"Thought so. That's all right. I know you wanted to do it yourself. Noble. And that's what counts the most." I watched her go to her vanity table still naked and begin to brush her hair. She moved the brush ever so slowly.
She'll be occupied awhile. I thought, and rushed out and down the stairs.
Panther had thrown his food off the high chair and, using his spoon. heaved his eggs all aver the table and even the walls. I looked at Baby Celeste, who was sitting there finishing her cereal and watching him.
"Why did you let him do that, Celeste?"
She looked at me, a tight, small smile on her face.
"You're still being bad. I'm not letting you outside today. You're going to spend the day in your room."
I wanted her in there anyway. I wanted her away from all that was happening.
She looked unconcerned. I made a quick attempt to wipe Panther's face and body and some of the mess he had created, and then I put up coffee and cut the bread to make the toast Betsy wanted. Before I was finished. Celeste brought in the breakfast dishes. even Panther's, and placed it all neatly on the counter by the sink. Then she shot me a look of disgust and went out and up the stairs to her room.
I heard Betsy banging on the floor of my room and shouting for service, After I prepared the tray. I looked in on Panther, who was occupied with his remaining food. He had a fistful of scrambled eggs, enjoying the feel of it. Betsy screamed again. I carried the tray up and knocked on my bedroom door.
"Enter," I heard, and managed to open it.
She was in bed with Tad and sat up
immediately. "Put it right here. Brother." Tad smiled, one eye closed.
I set the tray down in front of them.
"Oh she said. "draw me a warm bath and throw in some of that herbal bubble-bath crap Sarah makes. It looks like it is good for your skin. Right, Brad?"
"Tad," he said.
"Tad. Isn't my skin smooth?"
"Like a baby's rear end," he said, and they both laughed. I started out.
"Close the damn door," Betsy screamed.
"Gladly," I muttered, and did so.
When I looked in on Mama. I saw she had put on her nightgown and was about to crawl back into bed.
"Mama, what are you doing? We have to change the sheets, and you don't want to go back to bed anyway."
"I'm tired, and its late. You should go to sleep. too."
"No. Mama, its morning. Get up. Get dressed," I urged.
She shook her head and, despite the messed sheet, crawled under the blanket again.
I just stood there for a moment. I had to call someone, I thought. I needed help. The only one I could think of was Mr. Bogart and his wife, or perhaps the Reverend Mr. Austin's wife. Tani. First things first. I thought. Mama wasn't going anywhere. I had to deal with Betsy and settle that.
I looked in on Baby Celeste, who was sitting in her chair in her room looking at the pictures in old family albums. She was quiet so I left her and started Betsy's bath. Then I ran downstairs. got Panther, and brought him up to wash and change him into one of his outfits. Before I was finished. Betsy came into the room and closed the door behind her.
"Your bath's going to overflow." I said.
"I'll look after it. Don't you mention that kid being mine, hear me.," she warned, nodding at Panther. "I told him he's your cousin, too. When do I get my money?"
I put my hands over my face.
"Well?" she screamed.
"Mama's not right," I said, lowering my hands. "What you did put her into a..."
"A what?"
"A bad mental state. She's in a daze. confused. I'm very worried. I might have to get help."
Betsy stood there thinking. "Don't call anyone just yet. We'll handle it. Ill think of something. After my bath,Im going into town with Tad and buy the things I'll need when I leave here. Im going to need more money, credit cards. Get all that from your mother. You know where she keeps her checkbook. Write out a check for as much as she has in the account. When I return, we'll see about the rest. Understand? Well? Don't just stand there staring at me."
"I'll do what I can."
"Do more than you can," she countered, turned, and left me with Panther.
After I dressed him. I brought him down and put him in the playpen we had set up for him in the living room. He cried about being left alone, but there was nothing I could do. I returned to Mama's bedroom. She was asleep again, so I looked through her things, found more money, her checkbook, and two credit cards. I've got to keep Betsy happy enough not to make us any more trouble. I thought,
There seemed to be a balance of $2,400 in the checking account. I wrote out a check for $2,000 and made it out to cash. Then I brought everything to Betsy, who was soaking in the tub.
"I have to hand it to her," she said, hearing me come in. She had her head back and her eyes closed. "This herbal bubble bath really feels good."
She sat forward and looked at me. "Well?"
"I have a check for two thousand dollars for you. You should go to the bank to cash it. If they call here. I tell them it's all right. These are the only credit cards we have, and there's about four hundred dollars in this," I said, showing her the roll of cash.
"That's a start. Good for you. You're being smart. Noble Celeste. How's the queen?"
"She's just sleeping."
"She better get well enough to make that call to the lawyer soon," she warned. "Hand me the towel."
I did so and she got out of the tub.
"You see," she said, turning toward me to show me her breasts. "Still firm. If you should ever become the woman you are, don't breast-feed."
I rushed from the bathroom, her laughter chasing after me. When I reached the stairs, I heard the piano.
"Mama?" I called.
The music was different though. I found Tad in the living room playing.
"This thing is badly out of tune,," he said. He nodded at Panther, who was sitting quietly and looking at him. "Kid likes rock and roll." He laughed and continued to play.
I went into the kitchen and cleaned up. I had no appetite whatsoever and just sipped a little coffee. Soon after. I heard Betsy come downstairs.
"We're off." she shouted from the entryway.
I stepped out and looked.
"I'll be back this afternoon. and then well do our business. You understand?" I didn't say anything.
They left and the house was quiet again. Panther called after her. I walked slowly down the hallway and looked in on him. He was standing in his playpen. Being deserted was not a new experience for him. I thought. This wasn't the first time and it would surely not be the last.
Suddenly. I felt so trapped, so enclosed, it was as if I were in a playpen myself.
I stepped outside quickly and took deep breaths of fresh air. The sky was partly overcast, but there was enough sunlight to give my dark heart some respite from the shadows that were dancing around inside me.
I looked to the woods, and suddenly I was sure I saw Daddy. He stepped out and started toward the house, but something stopped him and he was back in the woods again. I watched.
He stepped out and started toward the house. Again something stopped him and he was back in the woods.
"Daddy!" I screamed, my tears lifting over my lids and sliding over my cheeks. He started for the house but stopped and shook his head.
He was back in the woods.
He can't come here, I realized.
I looked about. Shadows were moving everywhere and stopping.
They're all locked out.
Something was terribly wrong, and until it was made right again, we were alone. We were all deserted.
20
A Dance of Death
.
Sleeping didn't help Mama. If anything, she
appeared to fall further into some abyss of madness. She babbled inco
herently when she was awake, then drifted off. I tried to get her to drink some water, but it ran out of the corners of her mouth. Her tongue was like a plug keeping any-thing from going down her throat. I knew that she couldn't last long like this, but I kept hoping that somehow I would get her sensible again.
I spent my day looking after Panther. Baby Celeste remained sullen and angry. Finally, when Panther was taking a nap and Mama was asleep again, I tried to satisfy Baby Celeste by going out to the garden. She did seem pleased, but because we couldn't stay long, she returned to her sulking, ate little, and ignored me. Finally, she went up to her room and closed the door. When I looked in on her, she was asleep in her bed.
Late in the afternoon. Betsy returned alone. She had bags and bags of clothing, shoes, cosmetics, everything she had lacked and wanted. I had to help her bring it all in and up to her room. It took me two trips. She didn't even look at Panther or ask after him. All she did was babble about the wonderful new clothing she had gotten. I tried to be as interested and excited about it all as I could, just to please her. Finally, she stopped and asked about Mama and our attorney. Mr. Derward Lee Nokleby-Cook.
"I've decided to join Tad's band," she told me. "I'm going to travel with them and be their manager. One of the first things I'm buying with my money is one of those buses with a bathroom in it. We're going to paint the name of the band on the sides. Everyone's excited about it. Well?"
"I'm trying to do what you want. But Mama's still asleep."
"What do you mean, still asleep?" she cried. grimacing. "That's just a bunch of crap. She's pretending. And I can tell you it won't work."
She threw down her new blouse and marched out of her room. "Betsy!" I cried after her. "Don't."
She forged ahead and burst into Mama's bedroom. Mama was still in bed, of course. her eyes closed. Betsy charged right at the bed. I ran after her, but she got there first and started to shake Mama.
"Wake up. Sarah. This pretending won't work with me. I want my money and I want it right away. Wake up, damn you!" she screamed, and shook Mama so hard her head bounced back and forth.
I grabbed Betsy's arms to stop her, but she was so determined, she broke free of my grasp and shook Mama again. Mama's eyes opened. but she didn't speak nor did she look at Betsy.
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