The Trouble With Before

by Portia Moore

  I don’t regret the decision I made. That second of yearning was just me being sentimental, and Aunt Danni was a fantastic mother to Willa. She was smart, wise, and selfless. She read to her at night, baked cookies with her every weekend once she was old enough, and took her to all the places that Evie never bothered to take me—like the zoo, the movies, and museums. They had mommy-and-daughter dates to get manis and pedis. Most of all, Aunt Danni taught Willa values through her words and actions.

  Aunt Danni had been a pediatric nurse, educated, married, and full of love she was never able to give to children of her own. That’s why when Evie found out I was pregnant and mentioned giving my baby to Aunt Danni, for once, I didn’t scoff at her. It made perfect sense. Aunt Danni lived in a different state and I was a senior in high school finishing my last semester. The timing was perfect. I would deliver Willa before starting my freshman year of college. Everything lined up in a way that seemed cosmic. I didn’t have to even tell Will that I was pregnant. His family would be saved, and my reputation, or lack thereof, wouldn’t suffer.

  Yet, every now and then, I think about what would have happened if I had changed my mind. If I’d decided to suffer the embarrassment and dealt with the consequences of keeping Willa. If I had accepted the responsibility and bit the bullet and been her mother. I wonder how different things would have been.

  I’m back in the same town where my daughter lives with her dad and stepmom. Where my former friend who knows that I’m pregnant again is. I’m in a house with my mother, and when she does find out, she’s going to flip and tell me what an idiot I am. This time, I don’t have an aunt Danni to come save the day. There isn’t a town I can disappear to and come back from with a clean slate. After everything that’s happened, there is no clean slate.

  I LET A couple of hours go past before I leave my room. Evie’s car is no longer in the driveway. I shudder at the fact that she’s driving around in the state she’s in, but maybe she’s a functional drunk.

  When I walked in, I wasn’t able to see the condition of the house, so I look around now. It’s actually pretty clean, much cleaner than when I lived with Evie. Her now-husband, Jack, must like a clean house. My mother adapts to whatever man she’s with, so even though I don’t know him well, I know he likes to drink and can’t exist in filth.

  I head into the kitchen. There are a couple of dishes in the sink, but nothing major. I open the refrigerator. This looks more like the Evie I know. There’s only a half-empty carton of eggs, a takeout food container, and a case of beer. The takeout smells old, but I leave it in there since I don’t want to get into a petty argument about touching stuff that doesn’t belong to me.

  I jump in my car and head down to our local grocery store. The parking lot is empty since they’re only open another hour. I snag a parking spot right in front of the store, then I grab a cart and head in. I stroll down the aisles, picking up some fruit, a carton of milk, and my favorite cereal.

  “Leese!”

  The squeal stops my heart and freezes me in place. It can’t be . . . but with my luck, I already know that it is. I slowly turn around and see Willa running toward me. She jumps into my arms. I pick her up, and she’s so light to be so much taller than she was the last time I saw her.

  “What are you doing here?” she says, squeezing me tighter.

  I look up and see him, and heat immediately rises in my face. The man who used to make my blood run hot, who sent shivers from my spine to my toes. My breath catches, and I remind myself to breathe. I clear my throat and see that my presence has had the opposite effect on him. He looks as if he’s seen a ghost walk right out of her grave. I look into the eyes I used to be in love with, the ones that match the little girl’s eyes looking up at me. Seeing them both in front of me is surreal.

  “Hi, Willa,” I finally choke out.

  I set her down and squat so we’re at eye level, and I focus on the excitement in her eyes rather than the sheer panic and terror in her dad’s. Of course I’d run into them here, since I have the worst luck ever.

  “You look so beautiful,” I tell her, taking her in.

  She’s eight now. She’s grown at least two inches since I last saw her, and her blond locks cascade over her shoulders. A pink headband matches her shirt and tennis shoes. She looks so happy to see me. I can’t help but notice how much she looks like me, and my stomach sinks—how much she looks like Evie. My chest tightens, but I hug her again.

  “I missed you!” Her smile almost melts the shaking nerves inside me.

  “I missed you too, Willa bear,” I say, hugging her back.

  “You didn’t say she was coming!” she playfully scolds Will, who still seems shocked.

  He’s gripping the shopping cart as if he’ll fall through the floor if he lets it go.

  “Um, he didn’t know,” I tell her, trying to take the heat off of him.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” she asks, gripping my hand.

  “I-I . . .” I’m completely speechless and absolutely stupefied. Why the hell did I not think about this scenario happening before I left the house? I’m not prepared for this. My eyes dart to Will’s, and I immediately look away.

  “How long are you here, Lisa?” His voice is tense and full of bass that used to do things to me I’m trying to block out.

  I run my hand through my hair. “I-I don’t know . . .”

  “It would have been nice for you to call and say something.” His voice is tighter than the jeans I used to wear to get better tips at the bar. His eyes narrow on mine.

  “It’s not like I have your number, Will,” I say in an irritated sing-songy voice.

  “You have Gwen’s,” he says pointedly.

  “Look, I didn’t exactly plan for this.”

  “Are you staying at Aunt Evie’s?” Willa asks, oblivious to the tension between me and her dad.

  “I am.”

  “Ooh, can I come and play?” she asks, looking back at Will for permission.

  “Um, I don’t know, sweetheart,” he tells her.

  Her face falls, so she turns to me. “Pleeease? Ms. Red is gone to Lauren’s, and Dad doesn’t like to watch any of the princess movies I like.”

  My heart stops when she calls him dad. I’ve missed a whole lot since I’ve been gone.

  I immediately wonder what all he’s told her. Does she know who I am, or does she still think I’m the cool cousin? I feel as if I’ve been thrown into the deep end of the pool with no life jacket.

  “We’ll see, honey, but we better get going,” he tells her.

  “Why?” she whines.

  I can see he’s uncomfortable. “I-I actually have to go, Willa, but I’m going to be here at least another week. We can work something out maybe.”

  I give her a smile and her pout immediately disappears, seemingly satisfied with my answer. Will eyes me, his expression full of anger and confusion. Between us are thousands of questions that need to be answered but can’t be asked.

  “You need to call me,” he says tightly.

  As I walk past him, he grabs my arm and my stomach drops. He immediately lets me go when our eyes meet.

  “Let me give you my number,” he mutters.

  I clumsily pull out my phone and put in the number he tells me as Willa bounces around us.

  “Got it,” I mutter, glancing at him.

  Willa grabs my hand. “We’re going to get to play?” Her eyes twinkle at me, and I nod with a wide smile to assure her. “Promise?”

  My gaze goes to his, and he lets out a frustrated sigh and shakes his head.

  “I’m not letting go until you promise,” Willa says sweetly.

  “I promise,” I tell her, feeling butterflies or nausea in my stomach. I’m not sure which it is, but if I had to bet, I’d put money on nausea. “Bye, Willa bear.”

  I literally scurry down the aisle and out of the grocery store. I even leave my cart. When I’m in the car, I let out a relieved breath and realize being here back in Madison is going to
be much harder than I thought.

  I SIT IN my car and stare at his number in my phone after I pretty much swallow whole the burger and fries I got from the fast food place down the street from the grocery store. It’s been such a long time since I had his personal number. I hate the way that even after all of these years, my heart still doubles it’s speed and my body still recognizes him. After all the hurt and pain that we caused, I still can’t deny the fact that I loved this man more than anyone else in my entire life. No one has ever made me feel as good as he has, and that’s the reason I can’t call him or see him alone.

  After I came back from college and Chris and I became close again, it took everything in me to be able to be in his house without memories crawling to the forefront of my mind. Will and I were never around each other much though. Whenever Will saw me, he made sure to excuse himself or come up with some urgent errand. As the years passed, we learned to co-exist since he wasn’t going anywhere and my friendship with Chris was one of the most important things in my life. Still, there were moments when my mind would slip to that place, or to the person that we created, who shared the best things of both of us.

  I know that we should talk, that he wants to know why I’m here and probably wants to make sure I don’t want to cause trouble to his now-perfect family. I wish he thought of me as more than a troublemaker, someone who only causes pain and destruction. I used to be more than that to him, but I can’t blame him. It’s been almost a decade since I’ve brought him anything but displeasure.

  I pull up to my house and see the space I parked in earlier is filled with a blue Tahoe. I park on the other side of it. It must be Jack’s. My stomach turns at the thought of him. When I was in high school, I swore he’d be just like the other men who parked themselves temporarily in my mother’s life, getting from her what they wanted and then being ghosts afterward, but Jack stuck around. After only a few months of being together, they went off to be married in Vegas before I left for Aunt Danni’s to have Willa. Evie’s and my relationship has been so rocky since then that I don’t know what type of husband he is, but I’d rather pretend he didn’t exist until I figure out what I’m going to do.

  I pull the key out of my pocket as I make my way up the stairs. I quickly put my key in the lock, and when it doesn’t turn, I examine it to make sure it’s the right one.

  It is.

  I attempt to unlock the door again, and it doesn’t even wiggle. I immediately bang on the door. “Evie! What the hell?”

  I pull out my phone and call her number only to get the voicemail.

  “Evie!” Now my knocks are so hard, I know my hand is going to turn red.

  After no answer, I call her phone again and I still don’t get an answer.

  “What the fuck!” I shout.

  I run down the stairs and around to the side of the house to see if I left my window open. I didn’t! I continue farther around the house to her window and bang on it. In less than a minute, the window raises and Evie scowls at me.

  “Why the hell can’t I open the door?” I yell at her.

  At first she looks bored, then her eyes perk a bit. I can tell she’s been drinking, a lot. “Because I changed the locks, hon.”

  “Fantastic, can you open the door then?”

  She chuckles. “See, the thing is that you don’t live here anymore, and I’d feel better if someone who didn’t live in this house didn’t have a key.”

  “What! This is my house too. Grandma left it to the both of us!” I say, looking at her as if she’s lost her mind.

  The curtain moves aside, and I see Jack with a trucker’s hat on and a bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Actually, according to the paperwork I have, it’s my house.”

  His voice makes me cringe. I narrow my eyes at him and remember how much I couldn’t stand him. He looks the same, only about twenty extra pounds making him even more of a waste of space to the world.

  “This has nothing to do with you! My mom knows that Grams left this house to both of us!” I’m spitting mad now. I turn my attention to Evie, who looks unaffected.

  “The house was in my name, sweetheart, and times were tough. I sold it to Jack’s dad who gave it to Jack, so technically it’s his house and mine,” she says with a shrug.

  I laugh, because this has to be a joke. Even Evie wouldn’t be so idiotic to give away our house for what was probably a couple of hundred, possibly thousand dollars. This house is worth almost two hundred thousand minimum.

  “You’re lying.” When her eyes find mine and I see a trace of guilt in them, my stomach drops. “How could you . . . how could you do that?” I feel tears filling my eyes.

  “Mike is family, Leese. He ended up signing it back over . . . to both of us,” she says pathetically.

  I grip my forehead, not believing that this is happening. “You know that Gramma would have never left this house to you if she thought that you’d do this!”

  “Look, it’s not like we’re saying you can’t stay here,” Evie says weakly, as if for the first time ever, she feels the sting of guilt. She should be feeling a whole freakin’ boatload of it.

  “No, we’re not monsters, and you’re the love of my life’s daughter,” Jack says sarcastically before kissing Evie on the cheek, then winking at me.

  I want to throw up. As if things couldn’t get any worse, I feel light drops of rain. I let out a deep breath.

  “We’re going to need a security deposit though. I’d say about a thousand would cover it,” he says while scratching his chin as if he hasn’t a care in the world.

  My eyes bulge. Anger controls every pulse in my body. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not giving you a thousand dollars to live in my grandmother’s house!” I growl, commanding the tears in my eyes not to fall. I turn my attention back to Evie and swallow my last ounce of pride. “Just give me a week or two, and I’ll be out. I just need some time.”

  “After you get a job and you’re able to pay some rent, you’d be more than welcome to stay,” he answers.

  I try to calm down, but I’m so angry, my whole body is shaking. “Evie . . . I don’t . . . I don’t have anywhere else to go right now.” I try to connect with the last shred of maternal instinct she has.

  “Whelp, I don’t know what to tell you, sweetheart.” He shrugs, taking a swig from his bottle.

  “Leese, don’t be stubborn. It’s only fair, and it’s a lot less than we’d charge anyone else.” My mother’s face is stoic and her voice holds not an ounce of compassion or sympathy, as if this is all business.

  “Anyone else? I’m your daughter. Your fucking daughter, Evie!” I’m failing miserably in my attempt not to cry at this point.

  “Oh, now you’re her daughter? That’s funny. You don’t call her or check on her. You treat her like a stranger ever since you went off to school, then when you’re desperate, you come crawling back and she’s supposed to play mommy to a grown fucking woman!” he shouts.

  I shake my head, ignore him, and stare straight at her. “I know that you’ve never been the mother of the year, but God, I never thought you’d do this to me. How could you be so fucking weak!” In disbelief, I watch her leave her spot next to Jack in the window.

  His wide smile dissolves and is replaced by an angry sneer as if he’s offended by what I just said to his wife. “Hey! You don’t talk to her like that. At least she didn’t ditch her seven-year-old daughter on someone’s doorstep.” He chuckles and slams the window shut.

  I feel as if a knife has gone through me, and as if on cue, thunder cracks the air.

  I’VE REALLY GOT to stop thinking with the wrong head. If I was thinking with the right one, I wouldn’t be in this mess. When I got back from California, I should have taken my ass home. I shouldn’t have gone to Chicago, I definitely shouldn’t have gone to talk to Hillary, and when she opened the door wearing a pink thong and a thin pink cami that made her tits sit up, I should have run the other way. But that would be the reasoning of a man who thinks with his brain
and not his dick, and Hillary has a way of speaking the language my dick understands.

  I wish I could say I went over there just to hash things out with her. I mean, I did miss her; Hillary isn’t the type of girl that’s easy to forget. She’s a complete enigma. When you look at her, she’s the type of beautiful that could easily be on the cover of one of those girly magazines. She looks like the definition of the girl next door, but it’s as if she does everything in her power to make sure that she’s not. She wears color contacts over the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen. She paints her hair with all different colors, has tattoos all over her body, and to be honest, she dresses like a stripper.

  Just looking at her, you’d never guess that she graduated at the top of her class, that her parents were ultraconservative—her dad’s a preacher and her mom’s a homemaker—and that before she left them, she’d never been allowed to see an R-rated movie. Now she could be the star of X-rated porn. She was the first girl since Jamie Hunting, who gave me my first blow job when I was fifteen, who could blow my mind with the tricks she knew how to do with her tongue.

  “So are you excited that I’m here?” she asks, her naked body displayed at its best angle beside mine. She holds the heel of her ankle and stretches her leg so that her knee is almost near her ear.

  How the hell am I supposed to say no when she’s doing stuff like that? That’s how she ended up in my room at my house when I went to see her to end things. I grab her waist and pull her on top of my lap. “So fucking happy.”

  She beams before bringing her mouth to my ear and biting its lobe. “Didn’t you miss this?” Her hands stretch down my stomach, and I nod enthusiastically. “Tell me how much you want it,” she whispers in my ear. She’s being a tease as she strokes my dick.