by Claire Adams
Nate
The Complete Series
By Claire Adams
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2016 Claire Adams
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Chapter 1
ANA
“Are you ready for today?”
“I think so,” I said, not believing a word I was saying.
“Ana, this is your opportunity to tell your best friend and others how grateful you are for them rescuing you. You have talked about the fear that you were going to die; now it is time to let it go,” my counselor at Sandy Meadows, Mike, said.
He was right: I had been having nightmares since the moment I arrived. Each one almost identical, where I end up dying in the basement of Stephano Copal’s home. My time there was a bit of a blur because of all the drugs he was shoving into my system, but I could still feel the deep fear that had run through my body. Now, even though I knew I was free and safe, I sometimes was overcome with that same fear.
My counselor had told me over and over again that someday I wouldn’t fear Stephano at all. He said that I would be strong again and would look at the world in a different way, without fear clouding my view. But I really couldn’t see that in my future at all. I couldn’t imagine a day when I wasn’t afraid of absolutely everything around me. It was weird though, because I had lived my entire life without fear, up until the moment that I laid eyes on Stephano.
If it hadn’t been for Jordan and her husband Chase, I certainly wouldn’t have made it out of that situation alive. I wanted to thank them both for everything they did for me, but every time I practiced saying the words, I felt my body start to shake with the memories. In fact, I had asked them not to come visit me at all over the previous six months because the fear was so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of having to deal with it. They didn’t listen to me and had tried to visit several times, all of them going horribly wrong. But as my discharge date approached, Mike knew that I was going to have to deal with these emotions and had forced me to set up a visit.
“My hands are shaking. I still remember that fear so vividly,” I said as the tears started down my face. “I feel afraid right now. It’s ridiculous, I know.”
“Let’s talk about that fear. Is there anything in this room that will hurt you?”
I looked around the room. I knew what he was getting at. Logically my brain knew that I was safe in that meeting room, but my body kept slipping back to the horrible experiences I had endured at Stephano’s house. Just the thought of having to talk about the events with Jordan and Chase had my heart racing and my body shaking.
“I know what you mean; I know there is nothing here.”
“Then just let the anxiety come. Let your body shake. Let your body sweat. Give your body the chance to work through its feelings. If you know you are safe, then there is no harm in letting your body experience the anxiety. I’m going to go out and get Jordan and Chase. You take a few deep breaths.”
“So I’m not supposed to trust my body right now?”
“No, you’re body is confusing normal events with fearful ones. Trust me, or trust someone else around you when you’re unsure if something is a danger. But more than likely, you are safe and your brain is making you feel fear. It will be like this for a while. Trust the people around you.”
I felt like I was going to pass out as I sat at the table waiting for them to come in. Slowly, I took in a few deep breaths and tried to get my body to relax, but there was no hope. Everything I did just seemed to make my anxiety worse.
Over the previous months, I had struggled much more than I thought I was going to struggle. It was beyond frustrating to feel so out of control over my own body. I had never experienced something like it before. The physical withdrawals were hard, but the mental process of getting over the fear was much harder for me.
I had been in control my entire life; I was an alpha female who always went after what I wanted. I hadn’t really even known fear—well, not a fear like the one I knew now. To me, life was about facing fear and overcoming it. Sure, I was afraid to come over to the States and meet this guy I had only known briefly online, most of our interactions making place via webcam. But I pushed against that fear and came anyways. Now all the thoughts I had to push against led me to more fear; I just couldn’t seem to break through and get back to the person I knew I was deep down.
Instead, I sat in that chair shaking as I waited for Jordan and Chase to come and visit with me. I couldn’t tell why my body was reacting so fearfully, but I couldn’t stop it either. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t keep myself together even for a visit with one of my best friends. I was ashamed that I had fallen for Stephano’s tricks; I was disgusted that I had let myself get into that situation. It was even worse that I had needed to spend the last six months in a treatment facility because I wasn’t strong enough to get over everything on my own. I felt broken and I didn’t want my friend to have to see me that way.
“Ana!” Jordan said as she flung her arms around me and hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe.
Her arms felt like home to me and I was instantly much calmer, although my body continued to shake. I was used to the shaking that my hands did, it was almost constant now that I had started to discuss leaving the treatment facility. On every other visit, I had cancelled or just not shown up to see Jordan and Chase. I knew she was worried sick about me.
Sometimes my brain knew my fear was ridiculous, yet I couldn’t stop my body from reacting. Other times, my brain didn’t know at all what was going on. It was a delicate balance and I couldn’t tell which times things were going well and which times they weren’t. I felt like that would be the key for me, when I was able to tell the good thoughts from the bad and squash the bad ones before they took over my whole thought process.
“Hi, Jordan. Hi, Chase,” I managed to say quietly as they both came in and sat down.
I really didn’t know Chase all that well, besides what Jordan had told me over her letters. She and Chase had fallen in love after she came to the United States. He was her prince charming and I was so happy for her. Jordan had done a much better job of picking a man than I had when we came over to the U.S.
“How are you feeling?” Chase asked as he reached for Jordan’s hand and held onto it.
The two of them exchanged a look of concern for me that made me instantly feel like shit. I could see the worry in their eyes. It was the same thing I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be; instead, I was a weak and shaking girl who really just wanted to curl up in the corner somewhere and have everyone leave her alone.
“I’m great,” I said sarcastically.
I had ju
st spent months in a counseling facility trying to regain my footing on life, but I was better that day than I was the day before. Sometimes when I would think about the future, I just kept imagining that if I got one step better each day, sooner or later, I would be totally better. Sooner or later, I would be back to myself again.
“Ana, would you like to talk with your friends outside instead of in here?” Mike asked.
He knew that the garden was a calming place for me—pretty much anything outside was better for me than sitting inside. I just hated to be locked away from the outside world. I liked the freedom of sitting and watching the nature around me. But I just wanted to get our visit over with. I knew Jordan and Chase wanted me to come home with them when I left treatment and I just needed to get the conversation over with so we could make the arrangements for my discharge.
“I’m fine here.”
I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I was sure that was how it sounded. Everything that I said seemed to sound rude in recent days. It was either the tone of my voice or the way I didn’t make eye contact with them, but I was aware of it and couldn’t change it. Well, I couldn’t change it just yet. I did have a feeling that I would be able to manage my tone better as soon as I got a grip on the rest of my conversations.
“Chase and I have missed you so much Ana. I’m glad you are doing well,” Jordan said sweetly.
“So when can I leave, Mike?” I asked sternly as I looked toward him.
“In a couple weeks.”
“Do you want to stay with Nate instead of us? He’s got a nice quiet cabin in the woods and it will be much calmer than our house which is still being remodeled,” Chase asked.
In my heart I knew he was just trying to be kind and offer me some quiet, probably because he saw me trembling so much. But unfortunately, I didn’t have control over my thoughts much at that point in my life. A feeling of rejection swept over me. As if they didn’t want me there; maybe Chase was put out by the idea I was going to come live with him.
But instead of acting like an adult, I felt a childish tantrum as it was coming on. I knew whatever was going to come out of my mind wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. Yet I didn’t stop myself. I didn’t even try to curtail my thoughts or words that followed.
“I get it: you guys don’t want a crazy woman coming around your house when you’re getting ready to have a baby,” I yelled as I stood up and pushed my chair to the ground.
The anger that came out of me surprised Jordan and she instantly burst into tears. I’d like to say the anger surprised me, but it hadn’t. I had felt that anger since I arrived at the facility. I wasn’t proud of my outburst, but I surely wasn’t going to apologize for it. I didn’t have that kind of insight just yet.
“Ana, sit down,” Mike said firmly to me. “Your friends are just trying to have a conversation with you.”
“Oh, shut up, Mike. They aren’t trying to have a conversation; if that was the case, Jordan would have come to visit alone. No! She brought Chase because they don’t want me there and instead want me to go to some stranger’s house in the woods so I don’t embarrass anyone!”
“No!” Jordan said firmly. “Nate was the one who pulled you out of Stephano’s. He has asked about you almost every single day. He offered for you to come out there to help in your recovery. He knows trauma and he can help. But you refuse to talk to him or allow him to visit!”
Jordan was angry and I really couldn’t remember ever seeing her angry before. I grabbed my chair and sat down as I looked at her. She was so beautify pregnant and I was really happy for her. She had a man that loved her and took care of her. She had the life she had always dreamed of and I was ruining it by not being able to get over my own issues. I didn’t want to mess up the happy time she was going to have with her new baby all because of my messed up life.
Jordon was sobbing as she looked from Chase to me. The feeling of guilt that started to build because of my outburst was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t be a burden on Jordon when she was getting ready to be a mother. I just couldn’t do that to her. I wasn’t in control of myself and I didn’t like being like that around my best friend.
“I’ll go to the woods,” I said quietly as I looked at Jordan.
Her tears were heartbreaking to me. But I couldn’t deal with them at the moment. I couldn’t feel anything, yet I felt everything in an overwhelming flash, and I certainly wasn’t going to start crying again; I had spent way too much time crying since getting into counseling.
Every day I had at least one point when I ended up crying. It was like emotional exhaustion all the time for me. I couldn’t even imagine a day when I wouldn’t cry at least once in the day.
“I’ll come visit you and you can come to the house anytime. It really is going to be better for you there. It’s quiet and peaceful and you will get better,” Jordan said through her tears.
“Okay,” I said as I got up and started to leave the room. “Have him come get me next Friday. Does that work, Mike?” I asked.
“Yes, that should be fine.”
“Thanks for coming,” I said as I walked out of the room and didn’t give them to opportunity to talk any more.
I didn’t look back and kept walking as far away from the building as I could. I knew Mike would continue to talk with them, probably tell them all the troubles I had been having and how it was so nice for them to come and visit me. But I just couldn’t stay in that room and talk to them any longer.
Inside, I felt like there was a time bomb that was always ticking away and getting ready to explode. I didn’t have a sense of calmness any longer, and I certainly couldn’t have a sense of peace at all. I had wanted to go back with Jordan, because I know her. She really was the only person in America that I really knew. I didn’t know Nathan Foster any more than I knew Chase. Although, I did have one very clear memory of Nate.
Sometimes, in the middle of one of my nightmares, Nate would scoop me up and carry me out of the horror. His arms were strong and safe. I instantly felt comfort from my nightmares when he would show up. But I didn’t actually remember much else about Chase’s brother: only the feeling of his arms around me as he had carried me out of Stephano’s house when they rescued us.
In truth, I knew nothing of the man except what he looked like. Nate was tall, probably well over six feet, and he had blond, messy hair. His arms were large and I remember him looking like a soldier as he carried me to safety. But the thing I remember most was his blue eyes as he looked into mine, and I knew I was protected. The kindness that was in his eyes was something I would never ever forget.
I hid away in the garden area as I watched for Jordan and Chase to finally leave. I was ashamed for making them come all the way out to my treatment facility and then not wanting to talk to them. But I just couldn’t stand to deal with reality for another minute. Instead, I wanted to slink away into the Georgia woods and just forget about life all together. I didn’t know if Nate was going to let me do that, but I hoped he would just leave me alone and let me deal with the demons in my head for a little bit.
Sandy Meadows was a brilliant treatment facility and I really did think my counselors were highly skilled; but I couldn’t wait to find myself again. I was scared to death to leave, yet also wanted to be whole again. It was a constant, internal battle which I was convinced I would never win.
“It’s safe now. You can come out of hiding,” Mike hollered from his office window.
“I’m not hiding!”
“Come inside. Let’s talk about what happened.”
It was weird; I hated Mike and liked him all at the same time. He pushed me farther than I wanted to go, but when I followed his lead, I always felt better in the end. Mike understood that I didn’t want to yell or be rude to people; he understood that I just couldn’t control myself sometimes. But most of all he didn’t scold me when I lost control; he was one hell of a counselor. When I had him around, I could think things through and see more clearly than when I was tryin
g to do it on my own.
“Were they angry with me?” I said as I walked into Mike’s office.
“Do you think they should be angry with you?”
“Yes, they drove all the way out here and I just yelled at them and was rude.”
“They were concerned for you. Not angry. Do you understand the difference?”
“I should call them and apologize,” I said as I finally looked up at Mike.
“I don’t think it’s necessary. They are your friends. They understand. Why not work on getting yourself ready to discharge next week? Are you comfortable with going to stay with Nathan at his cabin?”
It was really weird, but I felt more comfortable with the idea of staying with Nate than I had with Jordan. I couldn’t even remember Nate speaking a single word to me, but I distinctly remembered feeling safe with him. Of course, I was still shaking and a mess at the idea of leaving the treatment facility.
“He rescued me. I think I will feel safe there.”
“You know, Jordan and Chase rescued you too, and Jordan is your best friend; but you didn’t seem to feel safe with them in the room.”
Damn Mike and his psychological nonsense. I couldn’t deny that I had exploded, but I certainly wouldn’t do that with Nate. Or would I? Shit, I really didn’t know at all. I didn’t trust myself a single bit. I had no idea how I would behave around Nate because I hadn’t seen him since the night we all came home on the airplane.
“Well, help me. Get me ready so I don’t explode into a crazy woman when he comes to get me. I do think it will be nice in the woods away from everyone and I don’t want to ruin that.”
Mike just smiled at me. He knew me well enough to understand how to help me, even when I didn’t know how to help myself. I trusted him and our ability to work together to figure out how I could overcome the thoughts that were so constantly running through my brain.
