“I am never disturbed,” he told me once. Only then I did not understand the meaning of it. I think it is never possible to understand for anyone until one reaches this stage.
Am completely without money. Had practically nothing to eat.
Tomorrow must have a day of fasting. Hope he will go to the bank tomorrow.
14th May
FASTED FOR TWO DAYS. No food at all. When I went to him, had a palpitation and pain in the heart. Probably brought on by the emptiness in the bowels due to the empty stomach.
He did not go to the bank and said that an employee of the bank will bring some money. I doubted it; could not understand why he did not go to the bank himself. His expression was severe, hardly looking at me, speaking abruptly; he looked remote and ruthless, his face like a stone. In my heart there is much fear when he is in this mood. He stood at the gate waiting for the bank employee to arrive, and I went home to take some medicine to stop palpitations. When I came back, he was talking to two young men at the gate. They were from the bank, as he later told me. The money arrived; I was relieved.
“You were perplexed,” he said to me. I explained it was because there was something wrong with my heart; my body seems to be well in spite of the heat; I did not expect to get such a reaction after only a short fast. He said that he will give me some money tomorrow.
15th May
HIS FACE WAS STONY. He was talking to two men already sitting there when I came. He did not acknowledge my greeting. How much fear there is in me when he is like this… I am terrified of him and speaking becomes difficult. I asked him timidly if I could have some money.
“Wait,” he said.
When the two men had left, he got up, went inside, and then gave me some money. That will see me through till the end of the month, I thought.
“How is the new flat?”
I said that it is very private, very pleasant. It looks like an Arab home… my little white home in the East.
He did not come out in the evening last night. After having given Babu, his son, his English lesson, I sat alone. Lately he takes every opportunity to make my life as uncomfortable as possible. He decided that Babu needs his English improved. The boy hates it and does not hide his feelings. I have to come at 4 p.m., when the heat is simply suffocating. After he has his lesson, I sit alone. It is all so difficult, for the mind is not working and the heat does the rest.
Furthermore, I have to type endlessly, with several copies, job applications for his son, or medical certificates for the half-blind man who is coming daily. Needless to say, the certificates have to have several copies as well. Much later the usual crowd arrives; his brother lately is always present, talking and talking.
In such cases I go home very early, before eight. It is a pity to leave so early, for the evenings are very pleasant, and it is relatively cool in the garden. But I have to go; all of a sudden I seem to flop… feel so deeply tired, like a bag which suddenly has been emptied. Cannot stand it for one moment longer, so I go.
Now the temperature is 108-110° in the shade, and every day the Loo is blowing from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. The Loo is a hot wind coming from the deserts of West Pakistan, pushing the temperature up to 120° in the shade sometimes, so I was told.
16th May
HE DID NOT COME OUT last evening either. He was feverish and rested after having had his lunch. A few people sat talking Hindi. Went home early.
17th May
IN THE EVENING a few people were sitting and talking to his brother.
He came out and began by telling me that one should not sit on the same level as the Guru. I said that I never thought that I did, but he ignored my remark. He continued by saying that many people object to many things, and I asked if they objected to me. Yes, he said, and they object to Filibert. People are free to object, and he satisfies them.
“Look at my devotees, how they behave when they come here; I personally don’t mind; it is not for me, but for the people who come here and object.”
I said that I respected him so much I never thought that I at any time behaved badly.
“You must become part of our culture; I took on the culture of my Revered Guru Maharaj; you must take on mine. You will be changed.”
I was perplexed. “But Bhai Sahib, I have been in your hands for only such a short time; how can you expect me to change so quickly! I know I have to change, and I am prepared to do it as quickly as possible; I will cooperate in every way, but give me time!”
“You see,” he laughed, “it took you more than ten minutes to understand what I want. Look how dense you are!”
“Yes, when you speak to me, my mind goes blank; you speak in a manner difficult to grasp for the Western mind. Your mind works in a different way from ours! Your way of expressing your thought is different.”
“First one must learn how to obey, then how to understand the Hint.”
“I will try, Bhai Sahib.” He nodded with a smile and went inside. I sat for a while thinking over what he was telling me and then went home.
18th May
I FORGOT TO MENTION that when the Frenchman was here, he asked a question on Ahimsa. What is Ahimsa?
“The non-killing is only a crude conception of Ahimsa; for it is much more than that. The real Ahimsa is not to injure the feelings of others, not to injure oneself. That is, not to harm others and not to harm oneself.”
“How can we injure our own feelings, or harm ourselves?” the Frenchman wanted to know.
“You injure your own feelings by creating habits. If for instance you are addicted to drinking tea, and you cannot get it, you suffer, don’t you? So your feelings are injured by the created habit. Never, never, to injure the feelings of anybody and never to create habits, is real Ahimsa. By creating habits we imprison ourselves; imprisonment is limitation. And limitation is suffering.”
I think that it is a very interesting answer; and here would lie the explanation why the Guru has no fixed habits at all. I keep coming here every day, and every day it is different. One never knows how it is going to be. Sometimes he is here; sometimes one learns that he is away; and never the day or the time of return is known. Or he would be gone for a walk, or resting, or having a bath. He will sit outside or inside, or he will not come out at all. He has no fixed hours for anything. He might sit in meditation the whole night, or sleeping till 9 a.m., his first bath at 4 a.m., or at midday. At anytime of the day he may announce: “I am going to have my bath.” I think he has two or three baths every day. One never knows what he will do or not do.
One day he told us: ”Even my wife never knows what I am doing or how much money I have. Sometimes I go out without money and come back with a large sum. Sometimes I go out, my pockets full of money, and I come back without. The only thing I can say for sure is that I don’t go out of my premises without an order.”
At that time, it was quite at the beginning, I did not understand what he had meant; now it seems to me that I understand, at least partly. L. said that all Sufis are like that. They do not try deliberately to be—they become like that by following the System.
20th May
THE WARDROBE is not very well finished; it does not close properly, but it will be all right. I needed it badly with the dust storms blowing, and the dust getting everywhere into everything.
Only now the ceiling fan has been installed. He made me wait for it until now. I waited and waited that he should give me the money to buy it. The table fan was not mine; I had to give it back to Pushpa more than two weeks ago for she needed it. Was without a fan, and my courtyard and the whole bungalow were a furnace. I kept walking up and down in the afternoon, up and down in the veranda, wetting myself under the shower, the brain aflame, stark naked, hoping for a little freshness, like in a mad dream, blood boiling, drinking and drinking water from the earthenware jar… it was indescribable suffering.
And the still, windless nights were sleepless because of the heat within… burned alive within and without… a sacrifice to Agni
in the real sense of the word.
Each time I mentioned the fan, he would say, tomorrow. But each day there was something else; either he was not well and could not go to the bank, or he had visitors, or people came for healing, or blessing, or he just forgot… so, I waited. My only relief was to sit under the fan in his room, but even that was often denied to me for his room was closed, or we all sat in the garden. I just waited. I confess that I was resentful. I cannot deny it… for my body suffered very much, could not eat at all due to the heat, and the perspiration streaming from me day and night made me feel very weak.
At last he gave me the money for the fan. The electrician took two days to install it, and now with the ceiling fan in working order and my dresses protected and safe in the wardrobe, I felt more secure, not to speak of increased comfort. It seemed to me that I have settled down for years to come….
24 The Sun Cannot Harm Me Either
IN THE EVENING when I arrived, he was sitting alone in the garden, and when I sat down I thought that he would get up and go inside as he has been doing lately. He avoids sitting with me alone and never comes out when I am the only one there. As soon as somebody else arrives, then he will come out.
But this time, to my surprise, he began a kindly talk with me. At first he told me about himself, how he became his Rev. Guru Maharaj’s disciple when he was only fourteen years old, and how he loved him. Then he talked about his journeys and how he intends to spend the money which will come in July. This was the largest amount, in fact all that was left of it. Told him how much I wished that I had more to give him. It was the last large sum from my investments in Australia. It will flow through his fingers like water in a few weeks, perhaps even in a few days. There was still something left in London, but it was less than the one which was due to arrive in summer. I was surprised at myself that it did not even hurt to see it go. I think I am too fascinated to see how he deals with it to have time to be really afraid. I woke up from my reverie as he was saying: “You come naked into the world and you go naked. When you come to the Spiritual Teacher, you have to be naked!”
Suddenly it dawned on me: of course! It was the second birth according to the Tradition! And silently I thanked my good star that I was able to offer him all I had, sensing somehow, however dimly, that I had to do it…. It was not a knowledge: rather a FEELING, an intuition that it HAS to be, that it was EXPECTED of me, that there was no other way to go. And I remembered that not long ago, he said, that the Shishya has to give away everything, but he must do it by himself; the Master cannot order it, the Teacher cannot say: do it! For then it will be an order and then there is no merit attached to it. Besides, even if the disciple gives everything up out of love or regard for the Teacher, who can say that deep in him no attachment has remained?
One does not get rid of desires and attachments by ordering them to disappear. It will never work this way. One has to reach the stage that everything begins to fall away from one. Possessions are attachments and are, or can become an obstacle to Spiritual Life. If one understands it and acts accordingly, the way is free.
I confess I did not grasp it as clearly as that; I just felt I had to do it.
That’s all. To leave all security behind, to be in the Hands of God from now on; heaven only knows how much help I received unknowingly; only He knows and the Guru; I probably never will….
He went inside. I remained. A few people began to arrive and Satendra told me that his father is going to Lucknow tomorrow. He came out again. It was a lovely hot evening; I was at peace. The longing was gone. A deep happiness, like a sound, a happiness not of this world filled my heart. It reverberated in the whole body, like a distant, dimly audible vibration. It would be mine-for how long? At present it seemed to be eternal; it seemed that it would last forever… though I knew very well that tomorrow, perhaps even tonight, I can be desperately lonely again, crying before a closed door.
24th May, 1962
COULD NOT SLEEP, so hot it was. The ceiling fan did nothing else but move boiling air around. As I had no table fan anymore, I had to sleep in the room, could not do so outside; it was too hot without a fan.
When I was coming through the gate, his door was open; he was sitting in the big chair, his wife standing beside, talking to him. As soon as she saw me, she smiled and obviously made some remark about me, because he looked up with a smile as I came towards them.
“My wife is just saying how is it that you never wear a hat or a headcovering, not even an umbrella as many Europeans and even Indians do… why?”
I laughed. “I never cover my head; I love the sun; my body is only happy where the sun sees me! I have a pact with it: I worship it; and it does not harm me!” I added jokingly.
“Hm,” he said, looking at me attentively; and then: “How can you worship a God who sets?”
What an answer, I thought, and did not know what to say. He translated what I said to his wife. She laughed and went out. I sat down under the fan, grateful for a little coolness. And then, after a while he said:
“I also never cover my head; the sun cannot harm me either.”
I caught my breath… the sun cannot harm him either….
That can only mean that he and I are bound together somewhere, or belong to something which had to do with the sun. Suddenly I felt a deep happiness… like a wonderful, secret, complicity… cannot harm me either. We did not speak anymore. There was no need. His lips were moving in silent prayer; the beads kept sliding rhythmically through his fingers. I just sat there experiencing the pleasure of the whiff of cool air periodically refreshing my burning cheeks and moving my hair. And I was deeply, completely, happy.
In the evening I told him that I needed some money. The one he gave me was finished. He wanted to know details. I explained that I had unexpected expenses, for I had to buy a few necessities for the new flat for instance, a curtain to cover the entrance door leading into the courtyard; it is full of large cracks; I had no privacy… little boys peeping through the cracks.
“Don’t buy me fruit, if you are short of money.”
I protested; he eats so little; fruit juice is good for him. I feel at least I do something for him personally; all the money goes for others, elsewhere. But he shook his head with a severe expression, and I knew that it was an order. He looks tired. He suffers from dysentery with blood discharge; his face is grey. My heart was heavy… dear Guruji…. And then a thought came into my mind: and what if he dies? I have nothing more left in this world… hoping to remain here for many years. What will I do? But I chased this thought away as quickly as it came. He will not die. People live with this kind of illness for many years. In India most people have it. I felt miserable.
“You make it difficult for me; you say one must never disobey the Teacher. Cannot one make an exception sometimes? I want so much to buy a few oranges for you.” He remained silent, his face severe.
“Oh dear! One cannot remain happy even for a short while you plunge me into difficulties again!” He nodded gravely. Went home feeling sad.
As so often, in the night, when I needed help, I speak to his Rev. Guru Maharaj with surprising results. This time too, I asked Him: what shall I do? It goes against love. I know he needs fruit juice now. I see that he eats the same food as the rest of the family. He never wants an exception to be made for him. But they are healthy people, and he is ill and weak, and he vomits nearly every day. It was a service of love which I did for him, and did it with such a pleasure. Deprived myself of things lately, because money was scarce, but I never failed to buy fruit for him. What shall I do? My heart tells me to disobey. So, what shall I do? I asked. No answer came. I waited. Waited for a long time.
And all of a sudden I knew that I had to obey. Obedience has the precedence over all other considerations. Always. And especially just now I had to obey more than ever, because he waited for every opportunity to catch me out, to hurt me. I knew by experience that he can burn me if I dare to disobey; he will put fire into my blood again and bu
rn me….
“Yes,” was the answer, “and in the future you will get many more tests on obedience, because obedience is difficult for you. And they will be no simple tests, but complicated ones, where you will have to use discrimination.”
25th May
I WAS BUYING A SMALL MELON for myself at a stall… I saw that they were going cheaply. Have to be careful about my expenditure and also have not much desire to eat in this heat; a slice of melon would be just the right thing.
“What are you purchasing?” I heard his voice behind me.
Surprised, I turned round. He stood behind me clad in white kurta and longhi, surrounded by his disciples. He inquired about the price of the melon, checked with the vendor the weight and examined the quality. While walking along he explained that somebody had died of an accident and he was going there, for help was needed. I asked if I could come too. So we went to the house where a lot of kids were standing in the street outside, as well as a crowd of passers-by. We went inside, and he talked to the relatives of the dead man for a while.
It was a rikshaw accident; the lorry killed the man instantly and severely injured the child who was with him, but the child was out of danger by now.
We went back and much was talked in Hindi about the accident. I was walking beside him carrying my melon, and he said that as soon as I had left last evening, he came out and sat outside till half past ten.
I remarked that I was sorry that I had left; I was thinking that he was not well. He said that it was his intention not to come out, but people came.
“Actually I went inside because I didn’t want to give you an answer,” he kicked a small stone out of his way.
Daughter of Fire Page 24
