Like a foreboding of something, but so elusive, a stir inside my heart like the touch of a swiftly passing wing, already gone before you could even grasp what had happened. And crystal-clear, ringing, a bell-like thought floated into my mind: a belief which is taken up, can be given up; after all, you were not born with this idea of Karma.
You accepted it; what is accepted can be rejected. The mind can accept any idea, any concept, and likewise can give it up, can change it. This is the way the mind is made….
Well, I thought, that’s that. And went home. Did not want to see anybody, the Guru least of all. Needed to be alone. And the stillness remained with me.
The streets were full of puddles, the orange of the sky reflecting in them—rikshaws, children, roaming dogs, the voices of street-vendors. Mrs. Ghose’s garden had a fragrance, so sweet, so fresh.
The stillness… like a secret message in my heart.
31st August
HE SPOKE TO ME for a long time this morning, telling me how much his father suffered, how he was warned that he will get the most terrible suffering. Human beings are made like this; they have to suffer.
Suffering has a great redeeming quality. It has to be.
“If I say you have no brain, it must be understood that it is from my point of view. Do you think that I am your enemy?” he asked kindly.
“No,” I said, “but you behave sometimes like one.”
“Everything is done as it should be done. Love like this cannot be destroyed; it will grow—this is the Law. Nothing can interfere with such a Love, ever! Your mind is still just now, but after a few days the mind will begin again… it will say this and that against me.”
Later during conversation: “The human being is the greatest. He is the King of Creation. Sometimes he says in his arrogance: I am God! Then he repents and falls upon his face and asks to be forgiven.
And God says to the Devas: Look at him! And the Devas will answer: Yes, you are right; he is the greatest in spite of everything!
“Jinns always put on a white dress, always white,” he was saying.
“It is not so simple to train a Jinn. Very powerful, very intelligent.
Harmful, yes, weaker wills are subjected to them.”
It was nearly one o’clock when I went to Pushpa for lunch. I MUST give up everything. I MUST. This going backward and forward has to stop! Amen!!
In the afternoon: “From my point of view, what you did and do is nothing. From your point of view and from the point of view of others, what you did is very meritorious because you did it in a very short time.”
I wish I knew what it was I was supposed to have done! It seems to me that I am the same as before!
“From the moment you are united with the Master, it becomes completely effortless.”
“You see!” I exclaimed, “your statements until now are either incorrect or incomplete! I always contradicted you when you were affirming that it is quite effortless! I told L. that it is impossible! It is the law of the physical world that one ALWAYS has to make SOME KIND
of effort. And the greater the thing one desires, the greater the effort will be! And if you desire the WHOLE THING, the whole of yourself must be put to stake!”
“Yes, before the Union with the Master, effort is necessary.” He smiled kindly. “But I speak always like this in front of people; always, because everybody can take from it what he wants. I have to get them interested.” He smiled again.
“You Fisherman of Souls!” I laughed. “At any rate, I was telling L.
that if it is effortless for others, it won’t be for me; in all my life I had to have it the hard way!”
“A keen desire is necessary,” he said; “without it your own effort is of not much avail.”
“But a keen desire in itself IS AN EFFORT, and how!”
He nodded softly, imperceptibly, with this faraway look of his which seems to penetrate beyond the visible strata of our world.
1st September
HAD A GOOD NIGHT. A bit headachy this morning; every time I go to Pushpa and have my food there, I have trouble with my digestion and have a sickly headache; she puts ginger in nearly everything, even into dahl, and this does not agree with me.
This morning the mind began again; it was purring with pleasure.
You are such a lover, said the mind; look what you are doing, how you love, how you try to increase your love. True” you have been given it; it did not arise by itself; still it was not given to others but to you, because not everybody is capable of holding it. You are a born lover; you can hold, can improve it… and so it went on…
special Samskaras, concluded the mind. No, I said to myself; if I go on like this, the little self will never go. Surrender is still far away….
The smallest praise, or even a hint of a praise, produces this sort of pride? I was getting myself into a dangerous impasse… all done by myself: “l” and “me,” and no end of it ….
“Throw the mind behind you,” he said once. I really tried to do it; whatever came before me in the last few months, or rose within myself like a wave—I looked at it and endeavored to throw it away.
Not worth having—let it go! And the stream of love carried it away.
Beliefs are things one takes up and collects on the way. Let them go! This belief in Karma has to go. I have to switch over, somehow.
To what? A God? Which one? A Nothingness? The mind turned round and round like a squirrel in a cage.
When I arrived he took a look at me and said: “Remember, beliefs and conceptions are not renounced just by willing to give them up; it has to become part of your mind; the attitude must change, and that takes time.”
He knows my mind, I thought. Tried to explain. He listened in silence.
“Why don’t you pray?” He startled me, for he threw this sentence like a stone at me.
“Well, I sort of pray to your Rev. Guru Maharaj,” I said hesitantly.
“To pray to someone is not a prayer.” His face was as if carved out of stone. So how should I pray? I was profoundly puzzled; what on earth does he mean?
“The only real prayer is merging,” he said darkly; “you are dull; you still don’t understand it.”
Somebody came, and they talked in Hindi for a while.
“I am going to have my bath,” he declared getting up; “some blan·
kets arid sheets are in the garden, in the sun, keep an eye on them.”
And went out. I put the chair near the door, to keep an eye on the sheets and blankets, all spread out on tachats and chairs to dry in the While he was talking to me, I noticed with alarm that a tremendous vibration began in the Muladhara Chakra. I listened to it, and it was interesting to observe how, by and by, it was pulled up into the Heart Chakra. The heart went wild, beating, missing beats… the pulse-rate increased to an alarming degree. My head was spinning, and after a short while no noticeable vibration remained at the base of the spine except a feeling of pleasant warmth.
“You are still here?” he asked, returning after more than an hour.
“You told me to keep an eye on your things, so I did; how can I go without your permission?” He nodded. Told him how the vibration was raised into the heart. “You did it most expertly,” and he laughed his happy, boyish laughter, rubbing his hair vigorously.
“Do you remember? What is Vibration? It is Power and the resistance to it. When there is no resistance, nothing is felt.” I saw his smiling eyes in the large mirror on the wall; he was combing his hair and his beard.
Had a good afternoon. Noticed that Love had a different quality… soft, even, smooth.
In the evening when he came out, it was nearly dark; we were alone for a while.
“This afternoon Love has changed,” I said.
“What do you mean?” He turned a stern face in my direction.
“It seems to be richer, fuller—it is all I can say.”
“You explained nothing by that.”
“You are right,” I admitted. “It d
oes not convey much to you, I know; all I can say is that it became like a melody, like a song, full and strong.” He did not answer. His eyes in the darkness were looking at me. Could not see their expression, but, oh, how luminous they were! He closed his eyes. The light went out.
Went home early. Pray. Hm… merging. Hm… here we are at square one. Had a slice of papaya. Put up my charpoy (a rope bed) in the middle of the small courtyard and draped the mosquito net carefully around it .. . inspected carefully that not even one mosquito was hidden in the folds of it… and went to bed lying on my back looking at the sky… the lovely southern sky I knew so well by now. Every two hours a sign of the zodiac followed another, just above my head. How many, oh, how many sleepless nights, full of longing, counting the stars as all lovers do…. It was still early, perhaps not later than 8:45. The streets were alive with evening noises. Some music came from a loudspeaker in the distance. Was looking into the dark infinitude shimmering through the mosquito net with millions of worlds. The mind worked feverishly, anxiously; what to do? How to pray? The first thing would be to relax, obviously, to let go. I tried. Could not, somehow…. The whole of my being was one question mark. Relaxed even more. Was waiting.
Listening within. Then a feeling of deep despair seized me… oh, you whoever you are, help me! Hear me! I want it! I want it so much! !
I think I cried out loudly. It was a sort of despair.
Then it happened. It was as if something snapped inside my head, and the whole of me was streaming out ceaselessly, endlessly, forever, without diminishing, without becoming less …. It went on and on. And it was absolute glory. There was no “me.” Was just flowing. Just being. A feeling of nonending expansion, just streaming forth . But all this I knew only later, when I tried to analyze it, to remember it. When I came round, the first clear, physical sensation was of intense cold. I got up. With trembling knees went into the room to see what time it was… wanted something hot to drink… will make a cup of tea… it was midnight. Where did the hours go? Only a moment ago, so it seemed, I went to bed. Was still trembling while I was drinking my tea… and it was not the cold which had caused it, for it was not cold at all. It was a warm, starry night.
It was shattering. It was wonderful. But what was it? WHAT WAS IT?
It could not have been a prayer in the ordinary sense, at least. Was it a prayer at all? For a Prayer there must be somebody to pray. But I was not. I didn’t exist. So, it couldn’t have been a prayer. For a long, long time I was lying awake. Orion was right above my head in zenith.
Slept well till 6 a.m.
2nd September
“WAS IT GOD?” I asked, starry-eyed and still shaken. “But are you listening to me?” He had his eyes closed and seemed to be in Samadhi. He did not hear. Will tell him later….
In the afternoon I waited, but he did not come out. Several people were sitting. Idle talk was going on. Went home early.
Went to bed… tried again. The first step was done: I knew the way now…. Sinking into Something, a tremendous pull, a wave of love… endless .. . a flowing, a state of being and of dissolution at the same time—that is all one could say… terrible, difficult to define. If I would say that the whole of me became a great chord, a sound, as if of an organ, filling the entire space, this definition would also be more or less correct. And if I would say that it is an explosion, a hurricane, that too would be true. But at the same time it was the most glorious stillness, the bliss of perfect nothingness. And it was very wonderful.
3rd September
HOPED TO BE ABLE TO TELL HIM all this in the morning. But when I came, he was lying on the tachat in deep Samadhi. When he opened his eyes, I stood up and said, “Namaste,” the usual greeting. He hardly answered. Had the impression that he did not register it.
Later, I noticed that my mind began to be “switched off.”
“I would like to say something to you,” I said when he stirred, fearing that when the mind goes I won’t be able to explain anything.
“Mmmm” was all he said—his eyes were closed. I repeated the request. “Mmmm” he said again, sat-up crosslegged and went into deep Samadhi.
In the evening I was able to tell him that Love was definitely rounder, fuller, more complete. “Now you will torture me,” I laughed. “Each time the love becomes stronger, I am being frustrated in every possible way; and each time there is separation, you are kind to me!” He did not answer but began to talk in Hindi.
“What was it? Is it God?” I asked, when he happened to look in my direction. He gave me a hard, penetrating look and continued to talk to others. I left after a while.
“Yes, yes,” he drawled in a rather irritated way when I saluted him when leaving.
To get to bed now—it is a secret joy, an appointment with THAT.
The door was open: door to what? But whatever it was, it was wonderful! There must be ah infinite sea of it—it is endless, it is lovely… like a terrific pull of the whole of one’s being. Is this the prayer of the heart, is this “merging?” I don’t know, because when I am in it, there is no mind; I seem not to exist at all; and when the mind begins to know something about it, it is already past. Even the idea of praying to somebody or something seems ridiculous and pointless now. Was lying awake for a long time. Wondering. A girl was singing a monotonous lullaby, her soft voice coming from far away in the warm moonless night, and the breeze and the stars and the sky, and myself, it all merged in one wonderful feeling of completeness, of deep purpose….
This is ABSOLUTE security, I said to myself, but to reach it one has to traverse the no-man’s land; one has to wade through the morass of insecurity, where there is no firm foothold of any kind, a sort of mental fog, and one cannot see even the ground under one’s feet.
And with a sigh of relief I fell asleep, blown out suddenly like a candle by a gust of wind.
4th September
HE WAS STILL ASLEEP when I came, and when I noticed how much medicine he still had left, I knew that he did not take it anymore. I became worried; something was very wrong. When he woke up, he told me that Ramji said that this medicine has after-effects and is of no value. He has been having severe stomach pain since Sunday. I became very worried. He changes his medicine every few days. I think it is the worst possible thing to do… it is like changing Gurus, I told him once… one does not get anywhere. Hopeless situation, and he gets weaker and weaker. Recently he said: soon I will leave all worries behind, meaning me; and here I am not only having my own, but also worries about his health.
A storm blows through the whole of my being, and it feels as if my head will be blown away at any moment. The currents in the body are strong, flowing fiery and fluctuating… sensation of heat…
sensation of taking off at any moment—a kind of pointless irritation against everything and everybody except him. I think it is because the mind is so puzzled; it cannot think of anything else except being just irritated.
5th September
LAST NIGHT he did not come out into the garden. He is very weak. His face looks transparent and thin. How my heart was heavy; how I prayed seeing him like this… wept silently. He is very ill, no doubt about that. He suffers from amoebic hepatitis. He has suffered from it for many years already. And in the rainy season, this condition gets worse apparently. When at home I made a firm resolution not to sleep, but to try to analyze the new state. Well, it is really impossible to describe… this one thing is evident.
33
Is It God??
THOUGH I AM QUITE SURE that I was not for one moment unconscious—and I went to bed at nine-after seemingly five minutes past ten o’clock… and then eleven, how was it, I wondered, that the sense of time is completely lost? Time does not seem to exist. I could put my hand in fire, so sure am I that I was completely conscious all the time… only it was a different kind of consciousness. There was no interruption of conscious feeling, like in sleep, or even in Dhyana. Tried to get hold, to analyze, to fix the impression in my mind… and could not. I
t is a state of incredible dynamism, not even of bliss as such, for even bliss seems a passive state in comparison. I think it is the most dynamic state imaginable, though I am perfectly aware that I don’t even touch the outermost edge, the narrowest brim of endless possibilities. I KNOW that there is such happiness… unimaginable, no end of it, no limits whatsoever.
Even as it is at present, it proves to be too much for me. I can hardly bear it. After a while a certain indifference set s in; the mind begins to work, at first slowly, hesitantly, then more and more, thinking this and that, and the state is lost. I think that is the selfdefense instinct of the body itself which intervenes when it gets too much. The natural defenses of the body cut it off, sometimes abruptly, sometimes gradually. Then I usually fall asleep immediately.
This afternoon he went for a short walk in the park. He seems a bit better. In the evening he was on the roof, and a man went to see him. I sat alone for hours in the darkening garden. Felt so disappointed. It was dreadfully hot and close, not a breath of air. It is much cooler on the roof. He did not ask me, I thought with bitterness. Other people can go… I can’t. In all those months how many times was I sitting alone in the dust and heat, unnoticed and forgotten. He is bound to treat me even worse now. For when the human being is in despair, he turns to God. When he is happy, God is forgotten. He will drive me towards his God now… I feel something is coming. I began to cry, so lonely I felt. When it was dark completely, I saw the man coming down and leaving, and a few moments later he appeared. We were alone.
“Is it God?” I asked again, trying to describe the nightly experiences. Could not see his face in the dark. He silently listened to me… or perhaps he did not. Who can tell? He was silent.
Then he began by saying that some people will come from France.
“I never care; if they are destined to meet me, they will be guided to me by Him; it never depends on my will. I never even think of it,” he repeated thoughtfully, and getting up told me to go home.
Daughter of Fire Page 34
