“He is a high ecclesiastical authority,” one of his disciples told me.
“Is he a Bishop?” I asked.
“No, no,” he said, “he is on the same Line as Bhai Sahib, and he is very fond of joking; speaking of himself and those like him, he will say: ‘Nous autres balayeurs’ ” (which means in French: “we sweepers”).
“Oh, I see!” I exclaimed, “it is because they clean the hearts of the people!”
“Precisely!” the disciple said.
Well, it would seem that I have dreamt of one of our Superiors, one of the Great Sufis. I hope that I will be able to ask which one it is and to tell my dream. But it was not possible… too many comings and goings, as so often when I want to speak to him.
24th November
IT IS VERY COLD THIS MORNING. Two men from Ferruchabad were staying with his family, his disciples; they were washing themselves at the water pipe in the garden. Apparently they slept in his room. I suppose it must have been very late by the time they finished talking, for he looked very tired. He came out only late in the morning, when the sun was already high in the sky and it was warm. He showed us the photos of his father. I was surprised, for somehow I did not expect to see how very like his father he was. The same face! But when he was young, he looked quite different, had a short mustache, and I told him that I would not have recognized him at all. He said that even old people don’t recognize him, as he is now.
“This is my Rev. Father’s album; by and by I will show you all the photos.” I enjoyed looking at them, especially the one where his father is in deep Samadhi. The expression, the serenity of his countenance was remarkable. Later I had the opportunity to tell him my dream. He did not comment on it… only asked if I dreamt it last night, but I said that it was the night before.
“Many Great Beings come in the dreams; there are many Superiors on our Line.” His eyes were veiled, and soon he was in deep Samadhi.
Went a bit earlier in the afternoon, and he was outside sitting with his wife and Virendra. He nodded cooly in answer to my greeting. I knew that he wanted to be left alone. Virendra offered me his chair, and I asked it to be put under the mango tree… did not want to disturb. There I sat thinking how strikingly different his private life was and his life as a Guru. He is so deeply involved in his family affairs-how can he bear it for so many years, I thought. It must be very trying. Maybe he is so used to it that he does it automatically and does not even need to listen. But not to listen to the wife must be difficult—she insists, waits for an answer… but perhaps he answers also automatically, for only one part of him is functioning here in this world….
For over an hour they were sitting there in the sun, he with his back towards me… then he went in and not a glance in my direction .. . I did not exist at all…. Went home early—it was only six. I had my light suit on, and it was too chilly to sit outside. I began to putter about, got my winter dresses out, prepared this and that to be ironed for tomorrow. Was thinking that I would need a dress for lecturing, a black one, and for the next winter a warm coat—the one I have here in India is not heavy enough for England.
Looked in the mirror… was surprised how really old I looked. I don’t seem to look at myself properly when combing my hair in the morning. But now in the evening light, I saw what an old woman I was already. What will my friends say when they see me looking so old? They will say India did it to me. No, my friends, not India… worries and sufferings don’t make a woman either beautiful or young looking. I began to think of my finances and my frightening, disastrous situation… thrown out into the street, without a roof over my head, no money, no mind, the worst possible condition.
And one cannot even tell it to anybody; the world will say: it serves her right…. And I wanted so little …. To sit in his dusty gardenI was resigned to do it gladly for years, such was the love, the desire to KNOW the Truth…. But he kicks me out when the money is finished…. Went to bed. Kept thinking on those lines… and then started to weep, and the mind gave me plenty of trouble.
I am afraid, oh so much afraid, Guru Maharaj, I was saying mentally—do let me remain with you! Not to be able to see you for years! This is the worst part of it… I wept for a long time. It was twelve when I got up to fetch a dry hanky. Went to bed again. Cried a bit more. Then happened to look up to the star-lit sky. It was ablaze with enormous stars. And I won’t be able to see—heaven knows for how long—the lovely Indian sky I love so much. Cried a bit more for that reason. And then quite suddenly I noticed that I was not really worried. I HAD FAITH IN GOD. Yes, just like that, as simple as that. I was so surprised that I stopped crying.
“I have faith, deep faith in You,” I said to Him who was in my heart. ”l know there is nothing to worry about; I know You are with me…. ” Pooh, said the mind, He will create a separation; it would not be the first time you have experienced it by now. He will disappear as if He never existed; you have faith now, because He is with you, but what will you do if He is not?
“He will not go,” I said to the mind, “and if He does, He will come back.” You believe it, you fool, said the mind; what proof have you that it will be like this? What proof have you that He will help you?
He never helped you until now!
“But why should He?” I asked; “I hardly believed in Him!” But how many people believe in Him? Don’t you know how many deeply believe in Him, and He never, never helps them? You know it, so why should He make an exception for you? The mind went on, clever like an advocate, and it was right from the worldly point of view. All arguments were valid, logical, correct. I knew it was right for things as they were before, but wrong because now the situation was entirely different. I have this Love… and it will make all the difference. Even if I should remain with empty hands, I still have this Love. The situation was not the same, for I have faith… and I was glad, full of wonder. But the mind was laughing at me—such a fool, at her age, look at her. I was ashamed because the mind seemed so logical, so right, and it did look as if I were a hopeless fool. But here it was: I HAD FAITH, absolutely, and there was a strange duality: half of me was terribly afraid of the abysmal future, and the other half was serene, trustful, full of strong faith. It was so incredible that I could not help wondering… and then I realized that for the first time I had solved my troubles by myself, alone, without any help from Bhai Sahib. I will tell him if I have the chance, because I tell him everything, and I feel he ought to know; but if I have no chance, because he perhaps won’t want to speak to me, it does not matter. I have solved it by myself for the first time—it makes all the difference. Full of wonder, I fell asleep. Had no dreams.
25th November
THE MIND SEEMED TO WORK FAIRL y WELL. Wondered if I will be able to speak to him, but it was not essential. Perhaps I will get a Hint. It was bitterly cold. Put on stockings and a warm woolly. The climate here in the northern plains can reach freezing point in winter, or 120° in May-June. He came out after ten, followed by two men staying with him. He was dressed in a flimsy cotton long hi and a thin cotton shirt. I was horrified. But the wife called him and, like an obedient child, he went inside… came out soon afterwards, dressed more reasonably in warm kurta and wrapped in a thick blanket. He began to sing. His voice filled me with longing and a sweetness which was heavy on my heart. I knew it was for me and waited for the translation. Sure enough, he tried, but soon gave up, saying that it is too difficult, nearly impossible to convey the true meaning. I said, just a hint will do, not necessarily the literal translation. Then he told me the couplet which was rather a long one. I’m not going to write it down here, for I didn’t quite get the meaning; he was right, must be difficult to translate; will ask him in the evening if I have the opportunity.
Could not see though how it could apply to my last night’s problem and my trouble with the mind.
“Meditate on it; think it over,” he said; “the meaning will come to you.” Then I knew that he knew all about my last night’s problem.
He
began a vivacious conversation in Hindi. I kept thinking about the couplet, how to understand and integrate it.
Then in a pause I said: “It seems to me that I have got the meaning: the mind has been turned in the direction of the Spiritual Life. I have to make a conscious effort to help; all irrationalities should go, and I must try to love His Creation as He loves it.”
“Quite a good interpretation,” he smiled, nodded repeatedly, and kept translating what I was saying. Then I told him how I discovered last night that there is faith in my heart, how the mind was troubling me in a sort of duality, how for the first time I solved the problem by myself, apparently without his help. He smiled, nodding, and continued to translate every word I was saying to others in Hindi, and he seemed to be pleased.
Later I asked if he knew who was the man in my dream.
“I told you, Great Beings will come in your dreams, very Great Beings, and the Grace of God will be with you!” He repeated this sentence twice, looking straight at me as if to emphasize it. I was not quite sure what he meant exactly, but I felt that I should not ask just now, though I had a feeling of great importance. Actually, the sentence: “And the Grace of God will be with you,” hit me. I knew it had to do with future work.
So, I only said: “While I was talking to you, you had a good look at my Heart Chakra.” He laughed outright. I explained to the pandit sitting next to me, who looked very puzzled, that I knew when he looked at my Chakras, then switched over and looked at Kama Rupa (mental~emotional body); actually he need not look at all: he just tuned into it, and on the Atmic level, he just KNEW-no need to look or tune in. The pandit stared at me like a fish, and he, with his head thrown back, laughed his young and merry laughter. He sent me home about noon.
Slept in the afternoon, was full of peace. So, it was a test-last night’s trouble—at least it looked like that… and he knew all about it. I wondered if he did something to my mind already, as he told me that he intended to do some time ago. Probably: otherwise how could I have controlled it by myself for the first time?
When I went there about half past four, he was sitting outside with the two men. He looked like an Oriental temple image, seated in his chair in such a twisted position as only Easterners are capable; their bodies seem to be made of rubber. Covered with a large blanket, he really looked like a temple murti (a temple statue). The two men sat in silence on the tachat opposite. He was in Samadhi-his expression was of the special, infinite, gentleness I loved so much… like Buddha, so unbelievably lovely….
Took my notebook out of my handbag, and a pencil, in the hope of being able to ask him about the couplet, and looked at him.
Enchanting, the light around him…. He must have felt my gaze, for he opened his eyes slowly:
“Yeees?” he murmured inquiringly, noticing my notebook. I asked if he could help me to check and verify if I understood the couplet well. I read it out to him. He shook his head.
“Curd is the mind; the churner is the ‘real attention’,” he said. So, I corrected it and wrote it down under his direction; here it is: The physical body is like a small vessel with curd in it. The curd is the mind; the churner is the “real attention.” It means the mind is turned in the opposite direction, say from left to right, for instance, just to give an example. When there is real attention, the mind takes the turn to the Real. Everybody’s mind is made on the same pattern, for it is part of the Great Mind, and every human being has attention.
But the Real Attention is by nature suppressed. Only the Realized Soul can awaken it, i.e. the Guru.
“Why is the Real Attention suppressed by nature in the ordinary human being?”
“Dust covers the ground; under the ground there is Gold underneath.”
“Oh, I see!” I exclaimed; “Maya suppresses it!”
“Right!” he said and laughed; “quite correct.” And he translated my answer in Hindi.
“All the Knowledge will come to you, all at once, when you will be there; there is not the slightest doubt about it,” he said, and he looked kindly at me. I closed my eyes; could not bear so much light; it was hurting….
“And what pride can there be?” he continued; “for we flow where we are directed. What pride can there be, if you execute orders only?
Do not forget the formula; that’s all.”
“What formula?” I asked.
“The last sentence I just told you,” he smiled. I glanced at my notebook: ah, yes, they are like rivers: they flow as they are directed.
He nodded in silence.
“All the knowledge you need will come to you automatically, not the least doubt about it,” he said again later.
Now I know for sure that something was done to my mind; that’s why I could control it by myself, for the first time. It was a turning point. One milestone more .. . here is the answer.
“Do you think it is advisable to make the effort to keep my mind on the middle road? Not to let it deviate, neither right nor left?”
“It will go right ahead like a slippery snail; right ahead it will go, neither right, nor left! Why not let it go where it wants to go? And see how far it can go?”
“Are you sure? Isn’t it better to be on the safe side?” For I was a bit doubtful… the mind is such a devil after all…. But he nodded kindly—he seemed to be sure….
Well, well: I expected something more dramatic to happen when he was telling me that he will do something to my mind. All I have felt was a head like a large balloon… no special vibrations, just the usual ones, and I have plenty of them anyhow. On the surface nothing very dramatic had happened that will considerably change things in the future; of this I am quite sure—it is bound to change at any rate.
Everything is achieved by weeping; we don’t achieve things by laughing. Everything is achieved by effort, by pain. Everything has a price in this world.
“The self will not go in gladness and with caresses, It must be chased with sorrow drowned in tears. • “
He began to explain to others in Hindi how the Satsang helps and IS
THE CAUSE that the attention of the human being is directed towards Reality and away from the world of Maya.
“But surely Satsang alone cannot do it; you have so many people sitting with you, but how many are here whose attention is directed exclusively towards spiritual goals?”
“They flow as they are directed!” He laughed turning to me.
I understood: it is done when there is a Hint. .
26th November
DID NOT SEE HIM IN THE MORNING. And in the evening I saw him for one moment before he went for a walk with his wife. When he came back, he sat for a short while talking to T akur. Then he told me to go home.
27th November
IN THE MORNING HE CAME OUTSIDE wrapped in a warm blanket and talked to me for a while. Did not say anything of particular importance, only I told him what an uncomfortable psychological state it is to hate everybody… and last night there was a most wonderful sunset of glowing pink and gold, the sky full of feathery clouds. Previously, it would have filled me with sheer joy. Now I remained completely indifferent to it. He nodded and said it was good so. Speaking of the letters I will have to write to him, I asked how often I should do it. He said as often as I want to. L. wrote to him twice a week; he wrote to his Rev. Guru Maharaj every day, sometimes twice a day. I said that people will come to know that I was with him, and they will ask for help, and he said with a smile: “As soon as you write it down, the trouble will be taken away!”
Wonderful! I thought.
“Not the whole day do you receive attention, but once a day something is done always.” I asked if the separation from him will affect the training.
“Not at all.” Time and space do not matter to him. Only those who have never seen him cannot concentrate very well their attention on him, but if somebody was with him for a while, he can be trained anywhere. Here must lie the explanation why some of his Shishyas hardly ever come to see him. They live in faraway towns and trav
eling is expensive.
“You are not here with me for many hours of the day; but does it matter? It is all the same.”
“How will I be able to live without seeing you? With a kind of desperation like a drowning one, I look at you, when you are with us, and the day when I don’t see you is a day lost for me.”
“Yes, with a great love it is like this.”
In the afternoon the mind gave me plenty of trouble with fears about the future. Went there about four. Saw him going out with the wife for a walk. Satendra and Virendra were fighting, a not very edifying thing to do for sons of a Saint. Told Satendra about it afterwards.
He came out when it was dark already. Sat there for a few minutes.
“Anything new?” Told him that the mind gave me trouble. But I managed to control it. Tried to tell him more, but he went in Samadhi for quite a while. I kept quiet. Was wondering if he was teaching me now how to get out of trouble by myself.
“Don’t sit here for a long time; I am going inside to rest.”
I went, and as soon as I arrived home such a terrible trouble started with my mind that I cannot even describe it. He obviously put on the self in full power, to see how far it can go…. I was lying in bed torn by fear and worry, and the mind attacked him vigorously. I finished by cursing him and God, myself and the mind, everything and everybody, the whole universe. Then I hated everything and everybody including myself. And tried to hate God and him… but could not…. So I kept cursing them both because I couldn’t hate them .. ..
He said yesterday that I will hate myself, and I told him that I do already, finding myselflooking horrible and ugly… for the worries don’t make anybody look more beautiful, just the opposite. I think I have reached the rock,bottom, hating, . feeling dirty, unworthy, the least of all….
I think I fell asleep and slept for about three hours until 2 a.m.
Then the game began again, and in desperation I was looking up to the starry sky for help. Did not pray, could not, was in such a deep despair. In the morning while drinking my coffee, I realized why I was so attacked: my mind knows that I will go anywhere and do anything he wants me to, so naturally it will rebel. This is the whole trouble: the mind is fighting for its life, for I am committed and cannot help it.
Daughter of Fire Page 42
