It was so cold. I was freezing. Men went inside. The engineer came; he also went inside. Could not bear it any longer. Went home. Was crying when walking down the street… he does not care… Guru Maharaj, my dear, it hurts so much! Why does it hurt so? So deeply lonely I am. He is not with me, and there is no nearness with Guru Maharaj either… but I can pray. While I can pray, all is well… so give me, oh, Merciful, please, give me the strength to bear it. It hurts so very much! And I cried and I cried at home… oh, the feeling of loneliness… forsaken by God and by men…. My God, You who love me as You love Your Creation, help me to bear it without resentment! It is so difficult; I will never make it I fear….
It is really better to go back to England. Here this situation is unbearable sometimes. There are times when I am happy, but never often and never completely.
After I had a good cry, I made myself go there again and sat in the chair before the door for about one hour. Had to go home because I was trembling with cold. But I was not resentful anymore….
17th January
DURING THE CONVERSATION this morning he said that I had no real interest whatsoever. The interest has been created.
“You were disgusted with life after the death of your husband; everything seemed empty, not worth living for. You had enough money, so you decided to become a Theosophist, to travel and to lead a simple life. Simple life is nothing. Many people lead simple lives.
They are good people, but it is nothing. If you were really interested, you would not have wasted seven years. If interest is there, the opportunity comes; it is done like this…. But you took time, you came to India, you met L., the time has come, you came here. And here, if you were really interested, truly interested, you would not have wasted one year as you did…. “
I was full of astonishment and wonder, because HE WAS RIGHT.
Here we are: If we want God as a drowning man wants air, we would realize Him in a split-second—it is said in one of the Upanishads. But how could I have wanted the Realization if I didn’t believe in God?
Belief had to be created. Interest, great desire, had to be created.
Nothing is mine then? “Why me, and not somebody else, for instance?” I asked.
“This question everybody wants to know. People will come here for the Bandhara, three thousand of them. Anybody can ask; why me and not somebody else? This question I cannot answer; you will know it one day. Some people are guided, some are not…. He is so kind… ” and he fell silent, his eyes veiled in Samadhi.
In the afternoon I asked questions on the same subject. I wanted to be clear what he had said. But the essence was that I was not really interested.
“You were disgusted; your life is clearly spread like that before me,” he said with a smile. “Interest was created. If the desire is keen, you will realize, there is no doubt,” he said, because I told him that I swore a big oath this afternoon to know the Truth one day, the Absolute Truth, and will have no rest until I achieve it….
Was thinking of it for a long time and in the night too. Interest was created. Love was created. What is mine? Nothing, so it seems!
“At certain stages you must make an effort, otherwise you cannot progress. This is the ONLY effort… but otherwise .. . He is so kind to us. And we are forgiven and forgiven endlessly, even if we don’t ask for forgiveness… for He is Love and Kindness.” He smiled tenderly. The sun was blazing; we were sitting outside; he was very kind and talked much to me.
18th January
KEEP THINKING MUCH. Even interest was created… and I keep praying for blind faith, without understanding, on the Road of Complete Sacrifice….
19th January
HAVE THE LETTER FOR THE BANK with me. He said that he had no time to see me about it in the morning because many people were there, but he will discuss it with me in the afternoon. Arrived about half past three, thinking I would be able to see him before anybody arrives, but he was inside talking; I waited under the mango tree. He did not call me, and when he came out he sat talking politics, and I was thinking what a waste of time it seemed; it will take him only five minutes to discuss it with me.
Such an important letter and he says that he has no time… are politics more important? Seems so illogical to our Western mentality. Finally he got up and told me to give him the letter; he will give it to me tomorrow. It was dark already. I went home. No time… he never will have time for me… I had better make up my mind never to be resentful whatever happens. I am on the road of complete sacrifice. Self annihilation in the Teacher is the complete sacrifice. Fana-fi-Sheikh… yes….
20th January
THE MIND WAS PUT ON in full force in the morning. And the self. But as soon as they began to trouble me, I prayed. If I can pray, I will succeed, I said to him as he came out early. If separation is created and I cannot pray, then the trouble will begin.
“Pray,” he said, “pray always. Help is always there.”
“From certain people no complete sacrifice is demanded; but this does not seem to be my way.”
“Spiritual life is sacrifice always; sacrifice is most essential.
Complete obedience and faith… otherwise one gets nothing.”
Then the black Guru came and he was talking to him.
“Lord Buddha was A Great Sacrifice,” and he smiled tenderly.
Later he was saying: “First God created Devas, and Devas kept wondering why He had created the world. Man has been created last, and when this happened the Devas understood that the world has been created for man. Man is the leader. When I say leader, I mean that he has all the possibilities which can be developed to the utmost degree. On a certain point on the way of Devayan, Devas have to stop; they cannot go further, but man can. No limit for man.
I said to you, man is the leader. Leader is a wide term… but don’t think Devas are low; some are very much higher than man. All respect to the Devas! You must not think that they cannot realize God; but there is a limit for them; no limit is for man… man is the king; he has in him the germ of everything.”
Later he said: “Book knowledge is useful to some extent. There are books written by enlightened people, scriptures, and so on. On the level of the mind you will accept this and reject that. But to verify what is written, one has to realize. Then one will know the Truth absolutely, only then. But until this happens, one has to be content with books.”
“Are all men alike for you?” I wanted to know.
“All men are alike,” he said slowly; he was in Samadhi nearly all the time. I looked at him. He really had a thousand faces… how cruel he can look, his eyes terrible, unseeing eyes…. Or he can look so young, like tonight… or Chinese, or Tibetan, or nonhuman… a devic quality about him.
The mind was so restless this morning, darting here and there, trying to get out of hand. I prayed. And prayed… and when sitting with Pushpa, suddenly there was such an unbearable longing….
Then I knew that the trouble will be over; he switched on love again…. As the monkey trainer has his monkeys, so do you have human beings in your hand, I thought.
And in the evening I was serene, looking at the light playing around him. No trouble with the mind.
21st January
LIKE FISH IN WATER so are we in Thee… nothing is mine. You have been kind to me, so Bhai Sahib said. And why to me? I will know one day. Like fish in water… and I was thinking how wonderful it is to reach this state of consciousness when all human beings are alike.
The same as for God. For God is with them, and for Him all creation is one.
The sheets of my bedding were so fragrant this morning. I kept smelling them. There must have been much fragrance in the air in the night. Nights are so sweet nowadays… the sky was of a transparent bottomless quality, and such a stillness at sunrise. Golden clouds stood motionless as if in wonder suspended in the blue.
He came out with his mala, so I knew that I can speak to him. I came to sit nearer to him as soon as Chowdrie had left. The others chatted with
his brother.
“I want to ask you something in connection with the man who came yesterday,” I began, and he looked inquiringly at me with a smile. “Must watch you, how you do it with people; perhaps I will be doing it soon, very soon, maybe in May!” He listened, his head slightly sideways doing his mala slowly.
“Now, that man who came, you let him speak, and when you did not want to listen, you went in Samadhi. He is after the Shastras (sacred books); you did not correct him at all. For how long has he been your disciple?”
“He is not; he comes only for the last eight years.”
“But eight years are a long time!” I exclaimed.
“But he comes only occasionally; he respects me, that’s all.”
“When is the time to tell the people one’s own view?”
“I won’t be such a fool to tell everybody: I speak as I am directed.”
“This is a clue!” I was pleased with the explanation. One speaks only according to the inspiration.
“Here is another question: You said that the human being is the leader and the king; how is it that he is so ugly and full of sins? Surely God had created the human being pure and beautiful.”
“It is only you who see all men ugly,” he began, but I interrupted: “But he is full of sins! You cannot deny it! And I don’t exclude myself; we are full of sins! How did man become so full of sins?”
“Have you ever seen anything in nature that equals man?”
“No, I did not, and if I compared men with anything else, it was always to the advantage of man!”
“Men are completely free to do what they like—free to do good or evil, to do any Karmas they like.” I looked at him profoundly puzzled. He lowered his eyes and continued to pray.
“Yees,” I said slowly, “but you criticized one of the women who came to you; you said that she is full of sins, so you don’t approve, and still you say that men are free to do as they like?”…
“Free, yes, quite free. But because they are free, why should they choose evils? They can choose the opposite, can they not?”
“How simple!” I exclaimed. I was pleased again. “How simple you have explained it!”
“It is simple, very simple, and really quite natural,” he said softly.
“And why is it that the human being is inclined to evils naturally; how is it that evils are much easier to do than the opposite?”
“Because his Indrias are made of the substance of the world and are attracted to worldly things.” He said it very slowly, looking outside the window. Well, more clear than that, I thought, and was pleased once more. He was still praying.
“One more question,” I said tentatively: “how will I know that it will be inspiration which will make me say something, or just the desire to speak, to express my own opinion?” He closed his eyes.
“No answer?” I said softly. He shook his head, ever so slightly, still praying.
“Never mind, thank you,” I said, and a little later I showed him the letter. “See the signature; my hand did not tremble. With this signature I was made a beggar! Never again will I have this amount of money, and if I should have, I will give it away as you do… I will be like you, from now on…. ” His eyes closed, and his face was tender. His lips moved in silent prayer. My hand did not tremble, but I must confess that I felt strange, just the same. Never in my life was I without anything.
I challenged my mind to worry, and what do you know, it refused to worry! It just sat put and did not worry. Why?I wanted to know. It does not matter, said the mind, it will be all right….
Was something done to the mind, or is it the result of all the events connected with training?
He was singing a couplet, then he explained it in Hindi. “He will translate it for you very well,” he said pointing to a man in Samadhi.
“He is asleep; surely he could not have heard when you were singing it.”
“He is in a spiritual sleep from time to time.”
“Can you not translate it for me, just to give an idea? It was something beautiful; one could gather that from the reaction of your audience.” He nodded smilingly and continued to speak Hindi.
Some more people came; I waited. But he greeted them and began a new conversation. He doesn’t want to tell me, I thought, and was frustrated again, nearly cried. But looking at his smiling, friendly face, I reflected that after all it matters little. If it is his will, never mind. I will always be sacrificed to all the Alaci Baba’s, Tulsi Ram’s, Sitla Prasad’s… I will always be the last. Does not complete sacrifice mean exactly that?
Later I told him this. He listened silently. Now it does not matter so much as before. He nodded ever so softly and began to speak to others very deliberately, as if to say that the listening session was over. I silently looked at him. Politics were discussed at length. I left to post the letter about twelve, when he stood up, took the towel and made a slight sign with the head which was the signal to go.
46 Quite Poor, Nothing is Left
WHEN LEAVING THE TINY POST OFFICE opposite our compound where I lived, I felt strangely light. Quite poor, nothing left, I thought. Stood for a moment in the street; it was a clear day full of fragrance as they are in this season now. What do I feel? I looked inside myself. I felt light, no worry, felt free. Am I not one of His creatures, completely His? Like fish in water are we in Thee, like birds in the air will I depend on Thee. Interest was given, love was given. You took everything… now I have to rely on You. It will make a great, a big psychological difference. It is good that it should be so… seventy-five percent I have forgotten, the other twenty-five percent I don’t believe in anymore, and the new knowledge is sporadic, uncertain, from the point of view of the mind. The mind cannot rely on it, for it is and it is not. Nothing is sure, nothing definite. So the mind remains confused. And very insecure.
“Before, when you didn’t explain, I was in despair. It matters much less now.” He smiled. It is now as if there was a secret understanding between him and me on a certain level. And explain I cannot.
22nd January, 1963
LAST NIGHT I PRAYED but there were no words… just love, immense, no end of it. Did not pray for anything as of late. Stillness there was and a strange kind of happiness, but no words at all. And love, and love, and love, nonending and infinitely serene. He did something to my mind last night. I felt funny just as I felt last week when coming from Pushpa. All was swimming around; the world seemed a strange, incredible dream, very unreal and very shaky. But when I left his place about six, I walked in the street all right. Nothing seemed to be wrong. There was a new heartbeat. He is probably doing something to my heart Chakra.
23rd January
YES, SOMETHING IS BEING DONE. The heart was beating tocsin strongly’ and I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. But I slept, woke up only twice in the night, and the heartbeat was normal again.
Before falling asleep the mind was restless, no trouble, but it jumped here and there and interfered with prayers. Could not pray for a long time and gave up.
“Do you remember on the 20th of January you put me in this terrible trouble last year?” He smiled gently.
“People accuse me of so many things; you can also accuse me of that.”
“Oh, sure I know now, it is all due to myself, but you know what I mean.” He smiled kindly.
“Is it true that the heart Chakra is as large as the diameter of the chest? It seems to me that I can hear it spin in the stillness of the night.
I can hear it even with my physical ears.”
“Wrong conception,” he said sternly. “Heart Chakra has no limit, and to hear it spin like that is wrong again.”
“But is the heart Chakra not in the Etheric?”
“I told you it is unlimited; it is as large as the Universe,” he said and looked annoyed. I was very astonished. What on earth did he mean by: “As large as the Universe?” He smiled a weary smile: “You talk too much, you know. People talk and talk. All of them. For thirty years
some of them are still talking… and the idea behind it is: ‘How clever am I, how well I have understood,’ and the Master thinks how backward he is. Mental things have no value for me.
Luckily, most of the time I don’t listen.”
How right he is, I thought; I too speak because I want to show off my cleverness, and my little self is full of pride….
“Only in silence things can be assimilated.”
“But you, at least you understood what your Rev. Guru told others; I sit here and just look, cannot catch a thing of what is said!”
“But no spiritual talk is going on; if you understand or not, what value has it?”
“Sometimes you explain details about your System and other things which would interest me and be of value for my book,” I said getting desperate.
“But those things are infused, never, never are they explained! L. too had written many things in twelve years; what value have they?
None! She does not understand our System and Trica philosophy became a great obstacle.” He moved his chair into the sun. “It feels damp in the shade,” he remarked. He sat now near the wall in the sun. How completely unearthly he looked; in full sunshine his garment looked so white as if imbued with light from within… and the face unreal, so full of light, it radiated a kind of golden glow.
I began to cry. “I cannot do right; whatever I try to do, it all seems wrong. I understand: from now on I won’t speak to you anymore if this is the only way!”
“But you cannot do it!” he exclaimed, “you are not the only one!
Others speak too, and they are Indians, the same culture as mine. It has nothing to do with your Western mentality as you think; human beings want to speak!”
“I don’t care what others do,” I said crying, “I HAVE to do it!”
“But won’t be able to! One cannot force those things! Let time come, go on as you have before,” he looked puzzled now.
Daughter of Fire Page 50
