“But let me go on. It is no hardship. I have no sensation of hunger ever. I had no intention to tell you, if you wouldn’t have asked.”
“No you should have told me. I forgot completely.”
“I cannot believe it, and I don’t believe it,” I laughed. “If you are a man I know you are, you must have known. There were little signs that you knew. So if I would believe what you said just now, I would lose faith… in order not to lose faith, I must disbelieve you.”
He was observing the servant watering.
“Go to my wife. She will give you something to eat, and tomorrow I will give you ten rupees.”
I went into the courtyard and the wife put before me vegetables, dahl, chappathies. I had only one chappathie and a little dahl. I know, after the fast and in this heat, to overload the stomach would have been dangerous. Besides, I was not hungry….
From the ten rupees I bought some necessities of life and will go on till the money lasts. In the meantime I wrote to H. She should send me the June money immediately; even then, I will be in great difficulty until July.
I cannot bear to look at him, it hurts so much… hurts somewhere…. Then I have to run away and go home, and when I stay away I want to go back…. There are times when I cannot bear to hear him laugh, and hear his voice, loud and clear, laughing so much… it disturbs me. But sometimes I cannot go away, like this morning, when he is in Samadhi practically all the time. He has these eyes… the eyes I saw in London when lecturing… eyes of Samadhi, wide open, glittering with strange, unearthly light, unseeing eyes, unaware of this world…. And while talking to others he looked at me from time to time. Serious, deep look, right into my soul… and each time this look made my heart stand still for one second….
This feeling of non-being before him is so disturbing.
13th May
HAD A RESTLESS NIGHT. It was cool and pleasant, but I cooked myself some bindis (ladies fingers) yesterday so badly—they were so hard.
It upset my digestion. When I woke up in the morning, I knew that he spent a bad night.
Went at seven as usual. Sat alone. Meva Ram came.
“And how are you fareing in this terrible heat?” he said passing by, and went into the room where he remained talking to Meva Ram for a long time.
Later he came out and sat down.
“Becoming thinner and thinner… you look old, you know,” he said looking directly into my eyes.
“There are signs of old age in your face, owing to the heat.”
“Yes, owing to the heat,” I echoed; my heart aching so much .
unbearable the longing this morning….
When I went inside later, he was on his tachat in Samadhi. Others came. About ten he came round, went out and said when he came back:
“How are you?” I said that I was well.
“I was not well last night.”
“I knew it, when I woke up this morning.” A sudden smile lit up his face.
Told him that I too, a few days ago, noticed that I looked so old and ugly, but I don’t care; nothing matters anymore. On this occasion too, just a suspicion of a mysterious smile passed like a flicker of a sudden lightning and died away. It was a smile of such a beauty, so tender and enigmatic, and I don’t know why the story of Jussuf and Zuleika crossed my mind. Now even others notice how old I look….
When Zuleika was so old and poor sitting in the streets and begging, Jussuf passed by, noticed her, and took her to him, and she became young and beautiful and his queen forever after.
Yes, I must be at the last stages… there are signs.
14th May
WHEN I SIT BEFORE HIM I look and I look… his expression when he talks to others… such is the light in his eyes. When he talks to me, I have no chance to notice it, first of all because the mind stops working, and I have to pay greatest attention to understand anything at all, but also as soon as he addresses me he assumes a stony, bored expression, so I just shut up and am still, like stunned….
But when he talks to this dirty Pandit or anyone who comes here just for the sake of discussion, when I say that he is unbelievably beautiful, I have said nothing. When I say that there is an unearthly light in his liquid eyes, liquid—like drops of water dancing in the sunshine, strange fire suddenly flashing in them (he has hazel eyes, rare in an Indian), eyes of a Mystic who has seen the three worlds… when I say that I look and look because it is as if a faraway memory would haunt me, a memory I cannot get hold of or define, and which is so much more disturbing because of that; when I say that the feeling of nothingness before him grows deeper and deeper: if I said all this, it is correct, but I have said nothing…. All I feel now—love, longing—everything is COMPLETELY beyond words… like sinking into an abyss of non-existence. Neither pleasant nor unpleasant feeling; just nothing of nothing, just that…. But every night under the stars, God is near and prayer was never so easy. I pray that my sins, of which I have so many, may be forgiven. I pray that nothing should remain in the mind of mind. I pray for his health, and I pray and I pray….
The registered letter arrived this afternoon. So the trouble seems to be over for the moment. This morning he was dressed in white, so I thought that it will be testing time, but he only looked deeply bored while he was alone with me. As soon as somebody came, he changed into a comfortable singlet and dhoti and began a lively conversation looking perfectly radiant. Could not take my eyes away from him….
15th May
HE WAS DRESSED IN WHITE. He was already standing outside the gate when I came, because a demonstration of laborers or Communists was passing by. As soon as he saw me, he quickly went inside and sat down. I suspect he was afraid that I will greet him with my usual deep bow in the street. He asked me how much money I would need because he knew that it will take a few days; the money which arrived had to go through the bank.
“What you can spare. I am not in the position to dictate how much I want. I am in the situation of a beggar and have to accept what is given to me.”
“Still, it is easier if you tell me. I can arrange it with my wife.”
So, I said seven or ten rupees will do.
“Don’t thank me, do not say like that; I am dutybound. If something happens to you here, you fall ill, to whom shall you go?
You are here for me….”I just looked at him, my heart was too full to say anything. No, I am here for myself… for my own sake.
Nothing, nothing in the world can repay you what you did for me… but I only looked at him… so radiant, all in white, and said nothing….
A young man was there talking about his troubles. Later in the room he said:
“This young man has many troubles. The greatest is that he keeps seeing before him faces of certain ladies. Since his birth he always was in female company; no illicit relationship was there. But he keeps seeing them. So, I told him to sit outside, and when he came in I asked if he still saw them. He said, yes, to some extent. Then I went out and when I came back I asked if he still sees them, but he could not see them anymore; into this room they don’t come. Now try hard to see them. But he could not, they were gone.”
“Are those Jinns?” He shook his head.
“No, Jinns would have gone at once; it is something else.” He stopped. I waited for him to say more; I was so interested to know.
But he was silent.
“Perhaps those were his desires which in some way became visible,” I ventured, saying the first thought which came into my mind. “Some sort of vision.”
“What is vision? It is desire which becomes visible.”
Here we are, I thought, that’s how he teaches. He stops speaking and lets my intuition speak. This is his Teaching… and my gratitude to him was deep and full of reverence.
He sat, not on the tachat, but on the sofa next to me. Could not see his face. He was facing others at the other side of the room. I saw Pandit Butchly for the first time in Dhyana.
16th May
HAD SUCH A RESTLESS NIGHT full of
bad dreams. When I woke up at dawn, I only remembered that he said in my dream that he is sending me back to England and I was desperate. And I was worried because the thought came into my mind that Guruji was not at all well during the night. But I chased the thought away. Why imagine always bad things?
I am still after beauty… I asked him yesterday when we were talking about visions that I used to see lovely plants and beautiful gardens just before falling asleep.
“You are after beauty. It can be unconscious” (it is conscious, I am afraid), “and plants and gardens have great natural beauty, so you see them.”
And I live in such ugly surroundings, so difficult for me, with so many people, hardly any privacy at all, that when I see a flowering tree, or stars in the sky, my heart becomes glad and I praise God…
I am still after beauty… I am….
Yesterday he explained at length about Atma to the garrulous Pandit. I was filled with sadness because I could not understand.
“What is understanding of a language? The essence of it remains with you, even if you don’t understand.”
Yes, I know… but what a pleasure it is for me to hear him explain; it is life, it is joy. Nobody can explain like him… but I am STILL after knowledge… I know I have to renounce everything and still I want this and that… and I became so sad and disgusted with myself.
Went there at quarter to seven. His brother came out immediately and informed me that he had a severe heart attack in the night; oxygen was given. It was the worst one he had until now. I asked if I could go into the courtyard. He was lying on the tachat in the middle of the courtyard. His face was pale, full of the deepest peace. He seemed to be asleep. My heart flew to him in mute sorrow. I looked at him. Around the large household, life was going on. Satendra’s wife was making tea, nearby dahl was sorted out for the lunch and he was lying in the middle of it all—still, pale, infinitely dear….
Satendra was telling me how they got a car from Sharma at midnight and brought the oxygen in twenty minutes. Everybody was pale, everybody was deeply worried, nobody slept at all. His wife had the look of such anxiety in her dark eyes that I felt deep sympathy and sorrow for her. Poor woman… her front teeth were taken out last week, and she is more beautiful; her face acquired gentleness without the large, dark, protruding teeth.
Sitting there I suddenly felt great peace. I know he cannot go yet.
And I told Satendra so. He cannot go. Not now. He will go soon, but not yet…. And while writing this down I feel peace and great nearness to him which is the same as the nearness to God. Now I will go back to his place; it is nine a.m. The doctor will be there soon to take the electrocardiogram. Went to do shopping and went home to write all this down.
There was an atmosphere of tragedy all day in the courtyard. He was taken into the room where it was cooler; somebody was massaging his feet in semi-darkness. I was hanging around, then went home.
And if he dies after all? I know, my heart tells me it is not possible; still if he goes and I won’t be able to reach him, what then?
This in theory I know: God does not cheat. If a human being is prepared to give everything including oneself, he must get at least something. Until now I got nothing; so he cannot go now. This is theory. But theory and practice don’t always agree…. And if… and if he goes after all? Such a deep despair seized me—there are no words to express it….
In the evening I went there early. Went into the room under the fan where Bhim was resting. Passed Bhai Sahib lying lifeless, pale, Satendra massaging his feet. And I cried so much, sitting there, as silently as possible, so that the sleeping boy should not notice.
He was brought out into the courtyard at dusk. He was very very pale… installed on the tachat in the middle of the courtyard which was swept clean and watered abundantly, in order to give coolness in the night.
Then he turned his head in my direction and beckoned me to him.
I approached.
“You are all right?” he whispered half audibly. I said I was. My throat was like in a cramp, could not speak… he nodded.
“My wife and my children will look after you,” he said, and turned his head to the other side. I stood for a moment, profoundly puzzled by this statement.
“You will be all right,” I said quickly, not knowing what to think.
A little oxygen was given to him in this moment. The doctor has ordered that it should be given from time to time in small quantities.
One doctor was expected soon to spend the night at his bedside. I asked if I also could stay. Ravindra said, yes, of course. Ram Singh, the servant, will go with me and bring my charpoy, but I soon saw that there was no question that it would be possible. Ram Singh was occupied with massaging his feet, and I could not very well carry my own bed and the bedding myself even with a rikshaw. So, I went home about 9:30, thinking that I will come in the night. Did not go on the roof. Would disturb if I want to leave in the night. Lying in my boiling room, under the blow of the humming fan, I was so terribly worried. What did he mean? That I would be in such a state to need help? But he must know that if something should happen, I will take the first plane as soon as I can to go back to England. What help will I need? It is I who in all probability will help them…. About two a.m. could not stand it any longer. Dressed quickly. The streets were full of yapping dogs. Really dangerous to go at this time without a stick… they follow you in packs coming nearer and nearer. At his place all was peace. Munshiji slept in the garden and the servant too. I slowly opened the door into the courtyard but could not manage to do it quietly enough; the thing cracked, the wife heard me, asked who it was. I said it was I.… In the courtyard all was still—everybody seemed to be asleep.
I sat down near the door against the wall in the Sufi praying posture and began to pray and do jap. And the thought of what did he mean, did not leave me at peace…. About four a.m. the doctor got up, measured his blood pressure, gave him a medicine and left. I heard Guruji asking Ravindra:
“When did Mem Sahib come?” He answered at two a.m.
“Let her sit here,” he said, and I went to sit on a chair near his bedside. He turned to the other side with his back to me and fell asleep. I left about five a.m.
17th May
WAS AT HIS PLACE AT SEVEN AM. He was already in the room. Stood at the door and looked at him for quite a while from afar. He slowly turned his head in my direction and gave a long, deep look. I turned away and went quickly. I was choking; tears were running down my face. Such was the longing…. Do not go, prayed my heart…. I will go too—what will become of me? The whole day passed in anxiety… all the time I was with them, the whole morning. The doctor came about twelve. Took an electrocardiogram. In the afternoon Ravindra brought me the money from the bank. He asked me if I gave back the money to his son, which I did of course, and told me to give the money for the photos little by little; it means he wants me to save it from my food. Good. Will be done.
75 The Test of Acceptance of Death
18th May, 1966
WENT WITH RAVINDRA TO THE HEART SPECIALIST. There I learned that only the right side of the heart was working, and that he is seriously ill….
“It was a hopeless night,” he said yesterday.
What did he mean, what did he mean? It does not give me peace . . keep thinking of it all the time… must have a special meaning: “My family will look after you…. “
Turning and twisting in bed, in the middle of the night, the real meaning of this sentence flashed suddenly into my mind, and I was so aghast that I sat up in bed feeling ice-cold. Of all the cruel things he said to me in the past, this was the most cruel one. It meant: I am going; I am giving you nothing; my family will look after you, and here my responsibility ends…. It was so cruel that it made me smile.
No, my Sheikh. I know what you mean by telling me that… but it will not work this way… God does not cheat. And your behavior shows it to me…. You don’t look at me; you hardly notice me when I salute you from the door,
in the morning and in the afternoon, when I come and go. You want the longing to increase to a fever. My heart is crying for you… probably it is not enough….
Made a notice in block letters: “By the order of the Doctor no visitors are allowed”—and fixed it on the wall near his door with Ravindra’s help. Let’s hope that it will be respected… in India here, I doubt it….
19th May
WHEN I SEE THE LARGE SHINING STAR rising in the East, I know dawn is near. And I look in the direction of Guruji’s bungalow; seen from here it is right in the East where the sun is rising… and the large star above it—it is symbolical… I watch the sky get livid and then pink…. As soon as I open my eyes, the longing leaps up like a flame, burning…. the terrible, terrible, yearning…. Since his attack I pray to his Father and all the Superiors… make him well, make that his heart softens towards me!
Pray under the shimmering velvet of the Indian sky… and that pain in the heart, I can hardly bear it….
20th May
SOME WEEKS TICK AWAY HURRIEDLY, as if set in motion by a nervous clock. But some days creep and creep, no end of creeping… so it was with this week. It seemed never to end…. Yesterday the temperature went up to nearly 47° Celsius. The nights are hot, hardly any refreshment. Can sleep but little, due to the worry and partly to the heat.
21st May
EVERY DAY I SEE HIM in the morning and in the afternoon when I come.
See him for a moment from afar, salute him… he solemnly nods, sometimes ignores me. Then I go and sit either in the doorway passage or somewhere where I can find a bit of shade. A scorching wind is blowing; it is unbearably hot….
22nd May
COULD NOT SLEEP even for five minutes last night. Caught a nasty head cold, cannot breathe…. In my desperation went under a shower for a long time in the afternoon. The hair wet, sat under the blow of the fan. Oh, was it hot! And the result: am very miserable now, nose running, the body aching, am acutely uncomfortable…
Daughter of Fire Page 80
