Had plenty of time to think, plenty of time to reflect. I knew that this diary has to become a book one day, though for the moment I was afraid even to look at it, for it was still burning inside me, hurting so much…. I knew that my life will be that of work for Him only, and I felt how fortunate I was: from now on I have nothing else to do but to sing the song of the Beloved until the end of my life.
What a wonderful prospect, how fortunate I am….
8th March, 1967
THE RINGING SOUND of my friend, the Pachta, the Indian woodpecker is all the time in the air after the sun has risen. The lovely ash tree on the lawn in front of the bungalow where I stay is now yellow and dry, losing its leaves, and one seems to walk on a rustling, thick carpet. It remained bare for about a fortnight. Now it has new leaves once more, young, fresh, shiny, reddish at the tips. How I love this place… right against the Mussoorie mountain, on a hill with a splendid view to the Doon plain and such lovely walks all around in the sal forests, on the hill of the Bengali Ashram, nestling romantically against it with its white domed temple. Went to the lime stone quarry, about midway to Mussoorie up the hill, came back with the stone-cutter’s truck, fully loaded with lime stones. The driver was excellent, but he drove rapidly, and the road is pretty dangerous especially with this load.
Passing days of great peace…. Praying so much…. Those are my last weeks in India. The air ticket is already waiting for me at the office of Air France in Delhi. Have the letter of confirmation. Wrote to reserve a hotel room, today. Will sleep one night in Delhi. It is going to be hot. Did not write into my diary for quite a while. What to say? Everything has been said, so it seems. Swamiji is very kind to me. He is a Yogi and a Bhakta. Gives me useful explanations about the Gita, the Ramayana, the Vedas . Something which is not in books, but he got it in his meditation and gave me the permission to use it in my talks. He has Yogic Powers. This Raga for rain, for instance .
AND it DID rain, by Jove!
9th March, 1967
MY INFINITE ONE, asking for help I am… I am going to a life dedicated to Thee.
It is said that the river takes no rest, the wind knows no fatigue, and the sun can only shine and shine forever.
The child plays for the joy of playing. It does not think of the benefit; all its joy is in playing.
Yoga is falling in love, not a choice of a career. The brain can be compared to a computer; each Path of Yoga is a programming of the whole of the human being to a particular method how to reach Reality.
You have programmed me, my Revered Guruji. I will go on. I know that the states of Nearness will increase, will become more permanent, but also the state of separation will become more painful, more lonely the nearer one comes to Reality. This cannot be avoided; it belongs to this school of training. But it does not matter anymore; the memory of Nearness to Thee will remain and will give me strength to go on. I know I go back to a life of fire; for you, my dear Guruji, before accepting me, you have told me what to expect.
And I said, yes, and sealed my destiny. I know health will fail me sometimes, I know I will be burned and it will not matter, for always, always, I will remember that I belong somewhere and that will give me strength to go on. I know one must not impose one’s own experiences upon other people, for each of us is intensely individual, and experiences are unique for each of us.
I remember that after your death I felt like screaming only at the thought of returning to the West. Could not reconcile the states of oneness and the world around me. Solitude was the only way out. To be able to find myself again, which was not a self at all.
I know now, that I can never be alone anymore, for you are with me always. I know that God is Silence and can be reached only in silence. I will try to help people to reach this state, this is a promise, and I will keep it.
I know that there is nothing left TO DO for the devotee who has surrendered himself. For from then on He takes over and the will of the devotee becomes the will of the Beloved who is the only King of our hearts.
Love for the Unlimited is also unlimited; that’s why our hearts have to be broken and become nothing to be able to accommodate the Unlimited.
All this I know. My life is offered to You. You take over.
And may God help me….
Meditation
(TO BE DONE EVERY MORNING)
IN THIS MEDITATION we have to imagine three things:
1. We must suppose that we go deep within ourselves, deeper and deeper into our most hidden self. There in our innermost being, in the very core of ourselves, we will find a place where there is peace, stillness and, above all, love.
God is Love, says the Sufi. Human beings are all love, for they are made in His Image; only they have forgotten it long ago. When we love another human being, however deeply, there is a place in our heart where this beloved human being has no access. There, we are quite alone. But within us there is a longing, which is the ultimate proof that this place is reserved for Him alone.
2. After having found this place, we must imagine that we are seated there, immersed into, surrounded by the Love of God. We are in deepest peace. We are loved; we are sheltered; we are secure. All of us is there, physical body and all; nothing is outside, not even a finger tip, not even the tiniest hair. Our whole being is contained within the Love of God.
3. As we sit there, happy, serene in His Presence, thoughts will intrude into our mind—what we did the day before, what we have to do tomorrow—memories float by, images appear before the mind’s eye.
We have to imagine that we are getting hold of every thought, every image and feeling, and drown them, merge them into the feeling of love.
Every feeling, especially the feeling of love, is much more dynamic than the thinking process, so if one does it well, with the utmost concentration, all thoughts will disappear. Nothing will remain. The mind will be empty.
It is a spiritual practice to control the mind, and also a useful exercise of will power.
After a while, when you practice it well, you cannot fail to notice that this place in the heart and your state of consciousness are one and the same. In other words, the spiritual locality where you find yourself equals your state of consciousness. It is called loka in Sanskrit, and it is a state beyond the mind. The mind can only understand things outside itself. In other words, I am here and there is the knowledge. That’s duality. In the higher states of consciousness, known as Samadhi, you are the knowledge; there is no duality anymore. The understanding and you are one.
-Irina Tweedie, 1986
Daughter of Fire Page 99
