by Ni-Ni Simone
Derrick laughed. “Cousin Shake, you have not changed.” He looked at Ms. Minnie. “Who is this pretty lady?”
“She ain’t for sale,” Cousin Shake snapped, “so get that thought outcha head, souljah boy. This is my wife, Minnie.”
“Nice to meet you, Ms. Minnie.”
“You too, baby. We all family around here. Now give me a hug, with your fine self looking like Idris Elba.”
“I need to cook,” my mother said. “I know you want a home-cooked meal, Derrick.”
“I sure do, Ma. I sure do.”
My mother and Ms. Minnie went into the kitchen while my brother and I went into his room. He threw his army green duffel bag onto his bed and sat down on the edge. “So wassup, li’l sis?”
“Nothing,” I said, not sure if I should really tell him about my life or not.
“You sure?” he asked me. And I could tell that his question was loaded.
“Yeah,” I said, “I’m sure.”
“So how come I heard that you were in the hospital behind some dude putting his hands on you? I left home and Mommy was the victim. Now I come back and it’s you. That ain’t cool.”
“Look, I’ve dealt with this. You know me and Mommy went to counseling and I’m working through it.”
“Listen, I didn’t come home to judge anybody, but all I’ma say is this, don’t you put your hands on anyone and don’t let them put their hands on you, ’cause mainly I don’t wanna kill ’em, and I will.”
“It’s not even that type of party.”
“Alright.” Derrick nodded. “You know I got you. No matter where I am in the world, I got you.”
“I know,” I said, walking over and hugging him. “I know. Now, about Kenneth, what’s up with him?”
“He’s cool,” Derrick said. “You can give him your stamp of approval.”
“Ai’ight,” I said as we walked out of his room. “Straight.”
Once we were back in the living room, the dining room table was set and a spread of southern-style food dressed the table. We sat down to the table, and Cousin Shake said, “I know dang gon’ well you all not about to eat without thanking Julio.”
“Julio?” Derrick frowned.
“Just roll with it,” I whispered to my brother. “Roll with it.”
“Now er’body hold hands,” Cousin Shake said. We all stood up around the table and held hands. “Well, Jessie,” Cousin Shake started to pray, “You are really in the miracle-working business. You have blessed us with Derrick coming home. The only one of Jazmyn children with a name that makes any kind of sense. We thank You for all that You have done, Lord. For without we would have nothing. Oh, and I guess we’ll work on accepting Kenneth into the clan. Doesn’t look like he’s half bad. Well, we gotta go ’cause we need to eat. Now thank You for Patti LaBelle, Teddy Pendergrass, and Millie Jackson, ’cause they got a concert tomorrow night and I’m praying that they tear the house down, so me and my Minnie can be so charged up that we can make some good ol’ love and rub our bodies to it—”
“Cousin Shake!” my mother said.
“Alright, Julio. Tell Moses and Martha and dem I said wassup. Amen.”
“Welcome home.” I hugged my brother again, once we were done praying. “Welcome home.”
“I love you all so much,” my mother said, and we began to eat dinner.
Once we were all done eating and had our share of laughing, joking, and catching on old times, Derrick said, “Alright, I’m going to bed. I had a long flight. So good night good people.”
“Good night, honey,” my mother said.
“Night, Big Brother,” me and Hadiah said simultaneously, and then laughed.
“I guess I’m go and lay down too,” I said, skipping off to my room, thinking of how I had to call Malachi and tell him he needed to come by and meet my brother. I hopped onto my bed, dialed Malachi’s number, and that’s when it clicked I no longer had that privilege. I sat on the side of my bed and tears filled my eyes.
A few minutes later I heard a soft knock on my door. “Zsa.” It was Derrick. “Is that you?”
“Yeah.” I wiped my eyes and tried to play my tears off.
“Wassup?” He walked into my room. “Why are you upset?”
“I’m not upset.”
“Zsa, I just heard you crying.” He walked over by my bed and sat on the corner. “Talk to me.”
“Well…my boyfriend and I are broken up…” I started telling him the story from beginning to end about Malachi and I ended it with, “Now I lost him.”
“Zsa.” Derrick wiped my tears. “You didn’t lose him. You love him and you made some mistakes. Take it from your big brother, men love even harder than women. So, I think if you went over to him and really, really talked to him and apologized for what you did and let him know that you understand how you were wrong, I think you might be surprised with the outcome.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to steal some more of Mommy’s chocolate cake.”
“You better wait for me.” I laughed and ran behind him.
Derrick and I stayed up practically all night, and decided at six AM to go to bed. By the time I stepped in my room my phone was ringing. I looked at the caller ID Essex County Correctional Institution? Who is this…Oh, hell, no. I shook my head. It better not be… I picked up the phone and it was a recorded operator saying, “Collect call from…?” She paused and a male voice said, “Ameen.”
“Press two,” the operator continued, “if you wish to accept the charges; if not hang up.”
I started to hang up. Really I did, because this cat had tons of nerve calling me after all of the havoc he’d caused, but then again, I wasn’t going to hang up, I was going to give it to him. I pressed one and before I could say “Hello,” Ameen ran off at the mouth. “Yo, Zsa,” he said in a panic, “I gotta get outta here. For real, you a minor so if you take the weight, you won’t go to jail. So I need you to come and see me so we can discuss how we gon’ do this.”
“Do this?” I said in disbelief. “I won’t go to jail. Boy, I’ve already been in jail. I been locked up in a relationship with you and my punishment has been everything that has fallen apart because of you. I’ve been humiliated, emotionally mutilated, had my car totaled, my mother not trust me, I’ve been beaten up and left on the ground for dead—by yo’ behind. I’ve been in the hospital, to counseling, and I lost the only man who has ever really loved me. And now all of a sudden you’re telling me to take your charges? How about you take my charges? Take the pain, embarrassment, and humiliation you’ve caused me. How about you take the bullcrap back that I’ve had to deal with and place it on your back. You do the time for that, ’cause I’m done. If anything, you’re getting off easy.”
“So what are you saying, Zsa? You not gon’ take the charges?”
“Ameen, go play with your cellmate.” And I hung up on his butt.
24
Nothing really matters
I don’t really care what nobody tells me
I’m gonna be here
It’s a matter of extreme importance
My first teenage love affair…
—ALICIA KEYS, “TEENAGE LOVE AFFAIR”
I’d been restless all night. The nerves in my back and my belly flipped like crazy, and the thoughts running through my head about Malachi—and whether I was woman enough and strong enough to stand face-to-face with him and tell him that I loved him and wanted him back, drove me crazy.
I knew that my brother had said that sometimes boys needed time…but what the heck was “time”? Was it like that space nonsense that all the boys asked for?
True story and for real, for real, I was confused as hell about how I needed to get Malachi back. But one thing I knew for certain was that I had to have him and I had to have him now.
It was seven o’clock in the evening and I lay in the center of my bed, wondering if time was always this slow, and th
en I remembered, yeah, it was, especially when you wanted something or someone desperately but didn’t know how to go and get it. I rolled over on my side and figured that if I lay there any longer I was going to cry, scream, or both, none of which I wanted to do. I had come a long way since Malachi and I had broken up—heck, I’d come a long way since my life began. I knew now what healthy was. I knew what love was and I knew love didn’t hurt, it wasn’t confusing, complicated, or any of those things. Love was easy, free, and it felt good, all the time. It’s the things that people did in the name of love that caused the damage.
That’s what I had done. I’d taken advantage of the love Malachi had for me and now I was paying for it. It killed me when Malachi wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t look at me, and when he said to me, “What is it going to take? For me to talk to you real crazy in order for you to leave me alone?” And that’s when it clicked, when I’d gotten it. I needed to step to left and let life take its course. But now waiting and falling back, stepping to left and all of that had my heart weighing a ton and the butterflies in my stomach on fire. I needed to fight for him, and if he tossed me out—or told me to get out—then at least I would know that I tried one last time.
I rose from my bed and quickly freshened up. I showered, brushed my teeth, and pulled my hair back into a single ponytail. I threw on a pair of Juicy Couture skinny leg jeans, a hot-pink V-neck T-shirt with a rhinestone princess crown in the center, and hot-pink stilettos. I slid my wifey ring into my purse, grabbed the keys to my just-received car, and was out the door.
The usual ten-minute drive to Malachi’s seemed to take forever. The cars were moving slow, and it seemed that I caught every red light there was. Maybe this was a sign that I needed to turn around and go home. But then, if I did that, my tomorrow would be filled with a bunch of what ifs and I was tired of “what if” holding up my life.
But then…suppose he had a girl at his crib? Then I would look real stalkerish. Okay, maybe I need to pull to the side of the street and call him. Not. If he sees my number he may not answer my call.
You know what, heck with it, seeing as I was already on his block and pulling up in front of his house. I had nothing to lose so I was going for broke. My feet felt like they weighed thousands of pounds as I nervously walked onto his porch and rang the bell. A few minutes later Matthew opened the door and a surprised look ran all over his face. He twisted his neck from side to side, as if he were on the lookout for someone. “What are you doing here? I know you ain’t down with the get down.”
“Huh?” I said, taken aback. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, you don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Never mind. I guess it’s none of my business, anyway.”
“What’s none of your business?” I swear this little boy was pissing me off. “What are you talking about?”
“My brother—”
My heart jumped. “What about him?”
“Man, he’s downstairs gettin’ it in with like three, four, maybe even five girls.”
I couldn’t believe this. Now I was feeling stupid. “Are you serious?”
“Man, Zsa, they down there wildin’ out. I think he broke up with you ’cause he was trying to get busy with the neighborhood. So I tell you what, don’t even talk to that dude anymore. Come go in my room with me, my Spider-Man sheets got plenty of room, we can watch cartoons, some videos, eat some chips. What? What you need I got it all.”
“Matthew.” Ms. Karen called his name before I could decide if I wanted to clothesline this li’l boy or steal on him. “Who are you talking to?” She rushed to the door before he could answer her. “Zsa-Zsa”—she smiled with delight—“how are you?”
“I’m fine, Ms. Karen.” I gave her a hug and a kiss. “How are you?”
“I’m okay, sweetie.”
“I’m sorry I stopped by without calling, but I was hoping to talk to Malachi.”
“You want me to go and clear the girls out of his room, Ma?” Matthew snickered. “So it’s no rumbling going on?”
Ms. Karen popped Matthew in the back of his head. “What I tell you about playing so much? Don’t mind him, that’s his daddy’s side of the family coming out.”
“Watch it, Karen,” Mr. Askew said as he walked past her and out the front door to their car. “How are you, Zsa-Zsa?” he asked.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“Take care.” He waved at me. “Come on, Matthew, in the car. And Karen, not too long, please.”
“Men,” Ms. Karen said. “I’ll tell you.”
“You’re telling me,” I said, more to myself than to her.
Ms. Karen smiled at me and said, “Zsa-Zsa, I’m going to share something with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, ma’am, not at all.”
“When I was your age, I had a thousand things going on in my life. My parents had a terrible marriage. They argued, fussed, and fought all the time, so it made it difficult for me to recognize love, real love anyway. So when real love came I abused it, ran over it, and I took the man who was my one true love for granted.”
Why are tears filling my eyes?
“I felt like,” Ms. Karen continued, “he loved me, where was he going? But there came a time when he got tired of me messing up and he left me alone.”
Tears were running down my cheeks.
“I was devastated,” she continued, “and I didn’t know what to do, where to turn, or how to get him back, but I knew I had to have him. So I took a chance, showed up at his doorstep.” She paused and wiped the tears from my face.
“What happened?” I hunched my shoulders in defeat. “Did he turn you away and tell you to go home?”
“No.” She pointed to her husband and son blowing the horn for her in the car. “I married him.” She kissed me on the forehead. “Now I have to run.”
I hugged her and said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, honey,” she said. “You’re welcome.”
I walked into the living room and locked the door behind me. For a moment I felt stuck in my spot. Wondering what Malachi was going to say to me, when he saw me stepping into his room. “Okay,” I said to myself, “just be calm, Zsa. Talk real slow and easy. No, just get to the point. You know what”—I sucked in a deep breath and then let it go—“I’ma just see what happens.”
The stairs leading to the basement creaked when I started walking down them.
“Who is that?” Malachi yelled from behind his closed door. I could hear his TV playing and the radio going as I stood there wondering if I should answer him or not. “Matt, if you come bustin’ up in here again,” he said, “I’m body-slamming you.”
“It’s not Matt,” I said, opening the door and standing in the doorway, “and I really don’t want to be body-slammed.”
Malachi smiled, and then as if he’d just realized what he was doing, his look quickly faded into one that said he had better things to do. He picked up the remote and started channel surfing.
“You think I could like…” I nervously leaned from one foot to the next “…talk to you for a minute?”
Malachi didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at me. He continued to flip through the channels…but at least he didn’t tell me to leave. “I’m sorry,” was the only thing I could think to say that would keep the tears trembling my voice at bay. “I’m sorry I didn’t show you that I loved you the way that I should’ve. But I didn’t know how to. I never meant to hurt you, and I never cheated on you with Ameen. Ever. I loved you…and I still do. I just had so much going on with my mother and my life that I was all over the place. But now I’m focused. I went to counseling with my mom, and we talked about everything in our life. What we liked, what we didn’t like, what hurt, and what we needed to change.
“I got it now. Love doesn’t hurt. It’s peaceful and it’s fun, and it’s you.” I paused. My heart was on the verge of exploding. Honestly, I didn’t know what hurt me more—that Malachi was continuously w
atching TV or that I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was done with me. I was certain that my story would definitely have a different ending from Ms. Karen’s.
“I love you, Malachi,” I said, “and I’m here because there’s no place I’d rather be than with you.”
Silence. Other than the TV and the radio there was dead silence, and the silence actually had more volume to it than the program and the song playing. I felt so stupid—there I was showing up at his door unannounced and he was treating me like garbage. “So…like”—I chewed the corner of my lip—“you don’t have anything to say?”
“Yeah,” he said while waving his hand to the left, “you kinda blocking the TV, so you need to move over a little bit.”
I was stunned. I swear I was frozen in time. Was this really it? The end? Him playing me like crazy and me leaving with my heart split open on his floor? I wanted so badly to scream, “I got it now, okay?! You don’t have to push me away! I promise I won’t hurt you anymore. I promise…” But judging by the disinterested look on Malachi’s face, the chance I had was long gone, and now all that was between us was stale air. I couldn’t look at him anymore and there was no way I was going to burst out into tears standing there. I was on it, but not like that. I did have some pride. I turned around quickly and practically ran up the stairs. I could feel the tears sitting in my throat like a ticking time bomb ready to explode, so I needed to hurry home or at least make it to my car so that I could scream and cry in peace.
Once I reached the front door I thought for a moment I heard Malachi walking behind me, but when I looked and saw that it was his puppy, I hurried to my car and leaned against the door. Tears were everywhere, and the only thing I could think of was at least I didn’t cry in front of him.
I held my head in my hands and cried myself into oblivion.
“You give up that easy?” poured over my shoulder.
