by Deborah Levy
GIRL’S GONE TO SEE RAJ. THEY KISS ALL THE TIME.
Another Billy note. Who do the England kids think they are? Louise has got a hunch that Billy has become even more frightened of his sister. On account of her being capable of damaging someone. Dad. Louise likes it that Billy is afraid. Something she can do too. Damage people. So why not wind him up a bit? She sits at the table making her eyes flutter up to the top of her head. Talks to him with just the whites showing. Makes her voice go croaky so he has to call the exorcist in to number 24. ‘I am possessed, Bill-ee, I am possessed, Bill-ee.’ Billy’s losing it. Taking out his knife. Cutting up the kitchen chairs. Not threatening her. Just doing it to let off steam. He’s hungry. Hasn’t had a proper meal for weeks. There’s no food in the house. Only what Raj gives them from the shop. So Raj has become a bit of a saviour in Girl’s eyes, a saviour who does kissing. Billy is losing it. He hasn’t made a pizza since Raj kissed Girl. Not seen a movie in weeks. The TV listings bore him sick. No weather to play hoopla in the park, that’s what you do, isn’t it? Play sports in the open air? Louise is sick of hearing him moan through his notes. Why’s he gone dumb? Just because that bloke kissed his sister?
‘I’m possessed, Billee! Billeeeeeeeeee! Billeeee.’
Billy just can’t believe it. Girl’s mad enough, but to have to endure Louise is too much. He opens a book on the psychochemistry of the brain, ignoring the FreezerWorld girl and her retard play-acting.
Two hours after Girl stormed out of number 24 in a whirl of tears, she storms back in with Raj on her arm. Both of them are clutching FreezerWorld bags. Louise finds it hard to believe Girl has dared go back there after robbing Express. But she has. She goes there a lot. Louise sees her skulking in the aisles. Staring at her. She knows Girl follows her home. Watches her when she’s out with Danny. She doesn’t mind that so much. Girl has taught her a lot. Taken her round the shops, bought her new clothes. Given her new words and thoughts. Louise even helps Girl write her words on walls. Girl doesn’t know that Louise does this. MOM CALL HOME. GIRL. Louise has written it quite a few times – whenever she sees a space and no one is looking. Easy.
Raj is a bit shy when he sees Louise on account of their afternoon in the car. Louise has a hunch Girl doesn’t know about that. No need to, is there? She enjoyed herself. So she just nods at Raj, who can barely look her in the eye, and she notices that he and Girl suit each other. What with his thick black hair and purple hipsters. Girl with her peroxide blondness and little blue denim minidress. Denim? Louise finds herself outraged. Denim. How come Girl is wearing denim when she’s given so many lectures to Louise about what crap denim is, except in the form of a bikini. A bikini? But there she is, in a denim minidress, her cheeks burning up with Girl fever. What’s going on? Fire in her face. Has she gone all the way with Raj? She’s saying FreezerWorld thoughts like she always does, always talking about it, obsessed, FreezerWorld is this, FreezerWorld atmosphere, FreezerWorld discount announcements. She takes something out of the FreezerWorld bag and throws it at her brother.
‘Eat this snack, Billy boy, I got some news for you.’
Billy grabs the crisps. He’s hungry. No Grand-Dad cash. Raj must have lent her some money for a shop. Raj who slaps him on the back in a brotherly way these days. No way to treat your doctor, Raj. There are reasons for formality. Rules to protect you. Learn them.
‘All right, man?’
No, Billy is not all right. Choking on the pickled-onion-flavoured potato snax shaped like monster feet.
‘Okay. Fasten your straitjackets.’ Girl is delirious.
Raj is standing behind her. What for? In case she falls or what? Billy just wants to get a flu virus and go to bed for a week.
‘I’m checking out your potato snax, Billy, and this announcement comes over the speakers. Mr Tens making one of his broadcasts. Don’t cut out, Billy, listen, come back, you little creep, and don’t blank out because what I am saying is … BILLY, Come BACK! I’ve found Mom.’
Even Girl’s denim dress is steaming. ‘Mr Tens goes blah blah blah blah blah and I have a message for Louise: Call your Grand-Dad’s local hospital. If his horse hasn’t come home it means he’s ill. You could be in for some inheritance.’
Billy goes crazy. Stands up and kicks over the bin. Scratches for paper. Labels off old tins. Anything. Starts scribbling, his head too fast for his hand.
‘Talk, Billy. We’re nearly there. Talk. Fucking talk, we’ve found her.’
Billy shakes his head sadly. Passes the note to Raj. ‘DID YOU HEAR HIM SAY THAT TOO?’
‘Sure.’ Raj is excited. ‘That’s what he said.’
‘Mr Tens is always saying stuff,’ Louise pipes in. ‘He goes on like that all day.’
‘That was for us, Billy. Grand-Dad’s in hospital.’
Her brother nods. Kicks the wall. Writes eight words; MOM GAVE HIM THE MESSAGE TO READ OUT.
‘Exactly, Billy. Exactly.’ Girl turns on Louise. ‘Okay, so you fucked up the first time, Louise. You worked on Express and there wasn’t enough in the till. And you demanded your share. You fucked up with Dad. Didn’t get any information we don’t already know. This is your last chance.’
She pushes Raj into a chair, out of the way. Girl wants the whole floor to parade on. Got to clear her mind. No obstacles to trip up on. Except for Louise.
‘I did tell you something you didn’t know.’
‘What?’
‘You set fire to your Dad.’
Girl searches for something to say. Like how do you spell flea?
‘You did, though, didn’t you, Girl?’ Raj interrupts.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Billy told me.’
Girl paces round the kitchen. Opening the fridge, shutting it again. Calling the cat even though it ran away months ago.
‘We are going to kidnap Mr Tens.’
Billy nodding vigorously. Yeah, of course. No doubt about it. Mr Tens is going to talk. Raj looking unsure. Louise smiling a sick smile.
‘We are going to kidnap him this evening and bring him back here.’
Billy writing again. Squeaking and writing: TORTURE HIM TILL HE SAYS WHERE HE GOT GRAND-DAD INFORMATION FROM.
Girl agrees. ‘Mr Tens will not take a step out of this house alive unless he tells us who gave him that note. Raj, that person is our mother. Do you understand? She knows something we don’t know and she’s trying to tell us.’
Raj pokes his finger through one of the pickled-onion-flavoured monster feet. ‘Why don’t you just ring the hospital and find out what’s happened to your grand-dad?’
Girl lights up two menthols. Gives one to Billy. ‘Got to preserve our mental stability, Raj.’
‘I’ll ring him for you.’ Raj just can’t understand this Grand-Dad hysteria.
Billy writing something again, in between pretending to inhale menthol. ‘WOULD PREFER STARVE. EAT CAT ON THIN CRUST.’
The England kids look up at Louise. ‘What time does Tens knock off?’
‘Nine o’ clock.’
Right. Girl turns to Raj. ‘Are you up for this, baby?’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Drive us there. Wait while we get him out and put him in the boot. Drive us back here after.’
Raj laughs. Turns to Billy. His old friend. His part-time shrink. Trusting his opinion. Sad to lose the Billy voice over a kiss. Girl told him all about it. How her brother’s gone mute since the first kiss. Raj misses him.
‘What do you think, Billy?’
Billy takes his time now. Writes very slowly with the pen. When it runs out of ink he licks the nib with his little pink tongue. Starts again. They all wait for him because one day Billy is going to be famous. Got his own pace. His own way through.
RAJ THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER IN OUR SEARCH FOR MOM. SHE IS VERY CLOSE. WE HAVE TO DO THIS FOR PSYCHIC HELF. HEALTH. OUR STORY IS AN ANCIENT STORY. CHILDREN SEARCHING FOR THEIR FOLK. HELP US. BILLY.
Raj reads, chewing his lip. ‘Yip.’ He gives Girl the
go-ahead look. ‘I’ll be your driver.’
‘Right.’ Girl turns on Louise. ‘You got to help us too.’
Louise shakes her head. ‘Na. Don’t want to lose my job.’
Jeeezus. Girl bangs her fists on the table. Everything juddering again. ‘Did you hear that? Did you hear her? She doesn’t want to lose her job? What job? Being a retard for two pounds seventy-five an hour? Having to listen to Tens talk to her like he found her under a stone somewhere? Doing her a favour? Listen, baby …’
Ever since Girl has been consorting amorously with Raj she’s taken to calling everyone ‘baby’. It’s her new love mode and it makes her brother want to grate her cheeks.
‘You can do better than FreezerWorld, Louise. Jeezus! You could be a model for a start, couldn’t she, Billy?’
Her brother writing something: A MODEL PATIENT.
‘He says definitely,’ Girl exclaims.
‘FreezerWorld is for losers or anthropologists, Louise. Listen, you got the looks. We’re working on the posture. Billy’s giving your mind a seeing-to. You don’t get out of bed for two pounds seventy-five an hour. They pay that to dead people they’ve dug up and put overalls on.’
Guffaws all round. Except from Louise.
‘Listen, Louise.’ Girl sits down next to her. For a moment she doesn’t look mad. ‘We’re in this together. You know why, don’t you?’
Louise thinks. ‘Yeah. We’re in this together. But I don’t know why.’
‘My name is Louise too. Did you know that?’
Louise nods. ‘Mr England told me.’
‘Right.’ Girl tries to rake this whole Louise thing home. Make a nice neat little path right to Louise’s mind door.
‘There’s a Louise inside Girl which is me, right? And there’s a girl inside you even tho you’re called Louise. Thing is, you are more of a girl than you are Louise. And I am more Louise than Girl because I’m cleverer than you. It’s not that you’re stupid, it’s that you’re stunted, okay? Tho I am Girl I am getting to be more Louise than Girl. Yeah, I know it’s difficult, but struggle, Louise. We’re doing a Channel swim here, not ten yards, okay? We got to pool our Louiseness. Find something good for both of us. Something that suits. We got to get the most beautiful version of Louise we can find. We got to make her up, baby. I can only become Louise when I find Mom. You need me to find her too. I know you do. We got a bit of work to do before we can count on Louise being a good thing to be.’
‘Yeah. I sort of understand’ Louise looks dejected. ‘One thing.’
‘Whaaaaaaaaaat?’ Girl wants to get moving. Kill Mr Tens. Kill Mr Tens.
‘Don’t slag off Danny.’
‘Uh-huh. Yeah, well. What do you see in him?’
‘His heart is in the right place.’
‘Hmmmmm.’ Girl catches Billy’s eye. ‘Most of us probably got the heart in the right place, Louise. Otherwise we’d be dead or have blue lips all the time.’
‘I said leave him alone.’
Billy writing again. WHAT DOOR DOES TENS COME OUT OF AT NINE O’ CLOCK?
Girl reads the question out for Louise.
‘Back door.’
‘Right.’ Girl checks her watch. ‘Seven o’clock now. Two hours to kill.’ She looks at Raj, smiles as cute as she knows how. ‘Let’s all go for cocktails somewhere?’ Stops herself. Shit! She hasn’t got any money.
‘I’ll pay.’ Louise waves her purse at them. ‘I know your granddad’s dying so you must be short.’
Billy and Girl didn’t hear that. It’s just too damn risky to have heard that. Better to run with the plan. Action. Louise is fucking dangerous. Louise knows stuff and she’s not letting on. Louise who goes with Danny the dog prince. Perhaps he is a wolf. Perhaps at midnight they both become wolves and howl in gardens all over north London. Making their way to Harkham Road. Making their way in the dead of night to eat the English chickens in their sleep.
Chapter 13
‘There he is.’ Louise sits in the front seat of the Merc. Pointing at a figure locking a door. A man, wearing a raincoat, his leather briefcase between his knees. Two letters engraved on the lock. TT. Terry Tens.
Billy and Girl watch him. Their leading man. Notes have already been passed between them. Strategy. Military planning. Girl pokes Louise, her cue to get out of the car and walk towards Mr Tens. She’s got to engage him in conversation while Billy and Girl creep up behind him. Meanwhile Raj is manoeuvring the Merc as close as he can get. The gears are playing up. First and reverse keep getting stuck, mixing into each other. When Raj wants to go forwards, he goes backwards. Nothing but a map of Girl’s blond body in his mind as he tries to coax the fucking gear stick into some version of sane driving. Okay. Here goes.
Louise gets out of the car, walks towards her boss. ‘Hello, Mr Tens.’
He jumps, frightened. Eyelashes fluttering in fear waves.
‘It’s only me. Left something in my locker.’
Mr Tens sighs. Shaking his head. Walking towards her. ‘Can’t it wait till tomorrow?’
‘Yeah. I suppose so. What you got in your case?’
‘Paperwork. Some of us never clock off, Louise.’
‘Yeah? I just wanted to take my overall home to wash.’
Mr Tens looks at her, surprised and pleased. ‘Glad to see you taking pride in your work. That really has made my day.’
Louise smiles at him, all the while watching Billy and Girl sneak up behind Mr Tens, who seems to be in evangelical mode. It’s like he thinks he’s saved Louise from something. A fallen star that he caught in his upturned palm, just on the edge of his starched white shirt cuffs, ironed lovingly by his mother every Wednesday. Billy and Girl are getting closer. Wearing their trainers. No squelching, nothing. Raj opening the boot of the Merc, thinking about how the England kids are like movie stars, writing their own scripts but stalking their prey like any two-bit actors on the telly who have learnt how to do this from other actors on the telly.
‘I’ll walk you to the bus stop if you like, Louise. I go in the same direction.’
‘Yeah?’ Louise has never been one for long conversations.
Raj shakes his head. They’re just so cute, these kids. Yeah, here they go. Billy throws himself behind Tens while Girl puts her hand over his mouth. Just his rainmac sleeves floundering this way and that. Louise picks up his briefcase. Walks over to the Merc and throws it in the boot. Billy has got his shoulder across Tens’s chest now, lifting him up, he’s not a heavy man. In fact Mr Tens is really light. Weighs in somewhere between a pack of frozen cod cutlets and a hormonal turkey thigh. Yeah, he’s wizard Oz, this Mr Tens, got visions bigger than his bodily form, a small short man who wears very clean shirts. Tens is shouting something. ‘LOoeeshe LOEESHE loueeshe’ muffled behind Girl’s hand, which is now a fist right inside his mouth, and he doesn’t even think to bite her. Just yelling, ‘Loueeeshe Loooeeshe.’ Billy can almost run with Mr Tens over his shoulder. He could do a ten-mile hike with Tens sitting on his head. Dumps him in the boot while Raj bangs the door down, working out the complicated locking system. They all get back into the car, just not believing how easy this has been, and Girl starts mixing a manhattan from the minibar. Drinks all round. Cheers, pals!
Billy still not talking. Just grinning. Gulping back his drink. Yeah, Mom is very near. As far as Billy is concerned he’s about to be more than all right. In Mom’s lap. He’s forgotten he’s fifteen. Mom will make him a lickle bowl of soup and he’ll fall asleep on her ample bosom while she strokes his cheek. Louise is withdrawn. In fact she looks downright unhappy. Girl resolves to bring her out of herself. Squeeze a better, braver Louise out of this one. Raj saying something about how the gears are fucked. Trying to get Billy to speak. ‘Come on, Billy man, you can’t be mute at a time like this.’ Billy shakes his head. Nope. Won’t even open his mouth to shout when Raj jerks the car right into an articulated lorry behind him, smashing the boot of the Merc. Puts his foot down before some big bloke pounds his way out of the lorry with ‘LOVE
HA HA’ written on his forehead. Respectable speed on this Merc. Raj is in his element. Did a good job on the car. The future is bright. Fast car and a glamorous mad girl to keep happy.
Louise puts her sweet small hands over her mouth and Girl is guffawing because the only sound in the whole damn car is Mr Tens singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’.
‘Keep your pecker up, Mr Tens!’ she screams, knocking back her minibar samples one by one, unscrewing the lids off miniatures and pouring them down her throat. Raj and Girl sing along while Billy claps his hands in time. Should have brought along his guitar. One day he will be as big as Jesus. He’ll save people’s souls and what’s more he’ll do it without a beard.
‘Onward Christian soldiers
marching on to war
dum dum dum da da da.
DUM DUM DUM DA DA DA
DUM DUM DUM DA DA DA …’
Chapter 14
Mr Tens is lying flat on his back on Girl’s bed while Billy ties up his hands with one of Mom’s scarves. Yeah. The clothes in Mom’s wardrobe were going to come in useful one day. Billy often takes down the yellow dress, the one with the hem coming down, and sobs into it. A dress so hideous, it was designed for crying in, not partying in, Girl always says. Mr Tens bound like one of his FreezerWorld piglets. Little squeals twisting his lips. Prayers.
Billy sits on Tens’s chest. Got a piece of paper on his lap and he’s writing a note. MR TENS. YOU ARE GOD’S FREE GIFT TO US, THE SATURDAY BARGAIN. TELL US WHERE OUR MOTHER IS AND WE LET YOU GO.
Mr Tens shaking his head. Complete incomprehension. Billy’s pen moving across the page again.
IF YOU DON’T TELL US WE’LL CUT YOUR TONGUE OFFFFFF. To help Tens make up his mind there’s a little drawing of a severed tongue at the bottom of the page. Little drops of blood gushing all over. Raj has nipped out to get some teabags from the shop. They’re all thirsty after Girl’s miniature minibar molotovs.
‘Yeah, Mr Tens,’ Louise suddenly pipes up. She’s been lurking in the room, crouching by the bed. ‘We’ll cut off your head and mince it.’ A knife suddenly springs up between her thumb and fingers. That really makes Tens scream. Girl has to whack her fist into his mouth again. Blood on her fingernails from last time. Jeezuz. The bloke must have gingivitis. Vulnerable gums. Sensitive teeth. He must have to use a toothpaste with something special in it. Not to mention the toothbrush. Soft bristles. Louise with a knife? Jeeeeeezuz. The girl’s dangerous. A live wire. Billy catches the fear in Girl’s eyes. All they need right now is a Louise explosion.
