I clear my throat. "That's the Chinese interpretation of cherry blossoms. In Japan, they're considered a symbol of the transience of life."
"Right," Ashleigh says. "So something beautiful, delicate, and dramatic all at once."
Natalie nods and suppresses an eyeroll. It's fair. How can a dress be dramatic and delicate?
She brings over another dress.
It's optic white, heavy satin, and beaded all over. It sparkles like the sun.
Ashleigh shakes her head and waves it away.
"You look like Blake did that day at the department store," I say.
"God, that bad?" She offers Natalie a pleasant smile. "Kat, maybe you could explain what you want."
"I'm not sure. Something pretty." I rack my brain for the right words to describe a dress. If I want to be an artist, I'm going to have to get a hell of a lot better at design. I steal the words Blake used to describe me. "Something beautiful and understated."
Natalie pulls another dress off the rack. A strapless ball gown with a sweetheart neckline. The puffy skirt takes up half the room.
"That is the opposite of understated," Ashleigh says. She stares at her phone. Her brow furrows. "Excuse me."
Natalie shakes her head. "Would you like to try it on to get a feel for it?"
Not really. It's ugly. But trying it on is better than sitting here helplessly.
I nod okay and follow Natalie into one of the dressing stalls.
"Did you bring a long-line, honey?" she asks.
"A what?"
"We'll try it without a bra. Just to get a feel for it." She motions to the hooks on the wall. "Call me over when you're ready."
Okay. Getting almost all the way naked in front of a strange woman I've never met. That's normal.
I strip to my panties and leave my clothes on the floor. "I'm ready."
Natalie enters the room. "Turn around, sweetie." She helps me into the dress, zips me up, and clips the back so I'm squeezed in tight.
I glance in the mirror. The dress has a corset top. It's tight on my chest and waist and then poof—this is less like a skirt and more like a hemisphere. I trip over the organza on my way to the main room.
Ashleigh is back on the bench. She frowns with distaste.
Natalie shoots her a dirty look.
"Let's try something else," Ashleigh says. "Unless you like it, Kat."
I stare at my reflection. I look like a Disney princess gone very, very wrong. "It's not my favorite."
Natalie offers me another dress. This one is straighter. It has a slight flare just about the knee, a trumpet style I think.
I go back to the stall. Natalie undresses and dresses me. All I do is step in and out of the gowns.
I avoid the reflection until we're in the main room.
"Aw," Ashleigh squeals. "You look beautiful. And understated."
My eyes go to the mirror.
This dress is more my style. It's simple. No beading, no embroidery. Just a pretty lace with a flower pattern.
Ashleigh snaps a photo with her cell phone. She offers me a smile. "Why don't we try putting on a few accessories?"
"Okay." I stare at my reflection. I'm wearing a fucking wedding dress. I'm getting married. This is absolutely absurd.
It's an easy lie.
All I have to do is smile and act like everything is normal.
I let Natalie have her way with me. Veil. Necklace. Jeweled belt. Silver heels.
She turns me to the mirror, waiting for my smile. There's a way this is supposed to go. I'm supposed to jump and squeal and proclaim my eternal happiness.
I stare back at my reflection.
It's a beautiful dress.
I look beautiful in it.
But it doesn't feel right.
This doesn't feel right.
The bell dings. Door opens. "Hello."
Lizzy. She's here.
Normal. I have to act normal.
She wanders into the main room. Her eyes go wide when she spots me in the dress. "Oh my God, Kat. You look beautiful."
"Doesn't she?" Ashleigh studies her work with pride. "Lose the belt I think." She turns to me. "Do you like it?"
"It's nice," I say.
"Yeah, but do you like it? Is it the one?" Ashleigh asks.
Lizzy looks from Natalie to me. "It's really nice."
"It is," I agree.
"But it only matters what you think," Lizzy says. "It's your wedding, and you're in charge of what you wear."
"It's only a dress," I say. "And I've got it under control."
"Yeah. You always have it under control." Lizzy drops her backpack on the floor.
Is that an angry drop or a normal this is heavy one?
I don't know.
The dress is too tight. It's making it hard to breathe.
I reach for the zipper but Natalie stops me.
She motions to Ashleigh. "Can you help Miss Wilder change? I'll show—what's your name dear?" She offers her hand to Lizzy.
"Lizzy." My sister shakes hands with Natalie.
"Let's look at bridesmaid dresses, huh?"
"Okay. Unless you have that under control too, Kat."
I shoot Lizzy a death glare.
She knows how hard this is for me.
Why is she pushing me?
I move into the stall, but I can't get out of the dress. I knock. "A little help?"
Ashleigh joins me. She pulls the zipper down. "You really look beautiful."
"Thanks."
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" She lowers her voice to a whisper. "I've known Mr. Sterling a long time. He's… exacting."
"No, it's nothing. I'm just… This is moving really fast."
She nods. "He's a good man."
"He is."
"And he does care about you."
I step out of the dress. "What do you mean?"
"Your deal. He… I'm sorry. I thought you knew I knew." Her eyes soften. "Don't tell him I said anything."
"I won't."
"I've worked with him a long time. He's always been difficult." She grabs another dress. "But I've never seen him this demanding. He wants to make you happy. It's just… in his way."
She's right. I see the same thing.
But I'm not sure his way will ever make me happy. "I wish he wanted to make me happy in my way."
"If only men were that simple."
I nod. "Are they always this complicated?"
"I'm sure you know Mr. Sterling better than I do."
"Maybe."
She nods. "He is different when he talks about you." She zips the dress. "He really does care for you, Kat. Maybe it's not enough. But it's more than I've ever seen."
"You mean with other women?"
"He has me arrange some of his dates and weekends away. Not that he dates, exactly. It's more like—"
"No-strings-attached sex?"
"That's the impression I get." She pushes the door open. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
She leads me to the main room. "It's beautiful."
It is.
It's perfect.
I should be happy.
I should be crying.
God, if my mom were here, if I were really getting married, there would be major waterworks.
She would have loved this dress. It's gorgeous. A ball gown with a wide v-neck and a subtle flare. Lace sleeves go all the way to my wrists. There's a small bow right beneath the low v of the back.
It's perfect.
Ashleigh motions for me to twirl.
I do it.
I feel silly, but when I catch my dress whooshing in the mirror—
It's perfect.
I'm Cinderella getting dressed for the ball.
Ashleigh pins a veil to my hair and pulls its fabric behind my head.
There I am, the girl who will be standing at the altar opposite Blake.
A sob rises up in my throat. I try to push it down, but it won't go.
I wipe away a tear. An
other.
I shake my head. I'm okay.
I have to pretend these are happy tears.
I have to be able to handle this.
"Excuse me." I rush to the dressing room and slam the door shut behind me.
"Kat." Ashleigh knocks on the door. "Are you okay?" She lowers her voice. "I can get that champagne."
"I just need a minute."
She moves away from the door. I slink to my feet, pulling my knees into my chest the best I can. The full skirt is in the way. Not even this is going right.
They're talking in the main room. It's that loud whisper. The kind of thing my parents did when we were kids.
They go quiet. Footsteps move closer. Someone knocks on the door.
"Kat, can we talk?" Lizzy asks.
I push myself to my feet. Wipe the stray tears from my eyes. "Okay."
I open the door and Lizzy steps inside. She's wearing a long pink dress. She looks great, grown up. My little sister is going to be my maid of honor.
Another sob rises in my throat. This time, I don't push it away. That's a lost cause.
I wipe my tears. I try to smile like I'm happy.
"Don't bullshit me," Lizzy says.
I drop the smile.
Lizzy shakes her head. "This guy is tearing you to pieces."
"That's not true."
She lowers her voice to a whisper. "Does he even care that this hurts you?"
I wipe away a tear. There's no sign Blake cares. But Lizzy is being shortsighted. "It's for a lot of money. I can stand being miserable for a while."
"Does he know how you feel about him?"
"I don't feel anything."
"Don't lie to me. Or yourself." She stares into my eyes. "You deserve better than this."
"I can't leave him."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to be with him."
Her eyes go wide. "Oh. Kat… I'm sorry."
"I… I have to do this. No matter how much it hurts."
"Why?"
"For his mom."
"It's sweet… stupid, but sweet." She reaches for the door. "Let's go home. Talk. Eat ice cream."
I shake my head. "I have to finish this." All of it.
"Just walk now, Kat. Don't put yourself through this."
"It's not that bad. It's just… This makes me think about Mom. About how much I miss her."
Lizzy tilts her head, assessing my words. "You swear?"
"I do."
"Okay. Let's go home anyway. I have a test."
"No. I want to stay."
"Will you be okay alone?"
"Yeah." Maybe.
"You promise?"
I nod.
She stares back like she doesn't believe me.
Still, she opens the door and steps into the main room. "I love you, Kat."
"I love you too."
I pick myself up and step into the main room.
Natalie and Ashleigh are waiting. Staring.
I nod goodbye to Lizzy.
She disappears out the front door.
"Do you want a picture in that dress?" Natalie asks.
"No, this one is perfect," I say.
Ashleigh nods. "Excuse me." She stares at her phone and walks into the other room, shaking her head.
She calls someone in there. Blake probably.
Natalie helps me change out of the dress. She has a sympathetic look, but mercifully, she remains silent.
I change back into my clothes.
Natalie leaves to rearrange everything. I linger in the dressing room as long as I can.
At least here there's no one watching me, no one doubting me, no one deciding what's best for me.
My reflection stares back at me. Just Kat in here. Not the billionaire's fiancée, not the older sister, not the would-be artist. Just Kat.
I'm still not sure who that is.
That front door opens again. The bell rings. Again. There's a low voice. Ashleigh makes some dramatic noise.
I let out a sigh. She called Blake.
Like he's my dad and I'm a misbehaving child.
Or maybe like she's concerned and doesn't know what else to do.
Either way, I can't shake the feeling I'm about to get a lecture about being on my best behavior.
I adjust my sweater and step into the main room.
Sure enough, Blake is standing there. He's picture perfect in his sleek black suit.
"Let's get dinner," he says.
My stomach rumbles at the mention of food. My heartbeat picks up as I stare back into his piercing blue eyes. "Okay."
Ashleigh throws him a hurry up look. "Natalie will freak if you see the dress."
"Of course." He almost smiles.
Enough pleasantries. I push out the door. Outside, the sun is setting. Orange light streaks across the skyline. It's beautiful.
But everything around me feels ugly.
Chapter 26
We eat at a very expensive Thai fusion restaurant. It's pretentious. The decor is a mix of gold Buddha statues and photos of farmers in Thailand. Like any of them could afford the prices on the dinner menu.
I pick at my red curry. It's delicious. Fresh shrimp. Crispy vegetables. Fluffy rice.
But my tongue is apathetic.
Blake is sitting next to me, but he feels a million miles away. I'm not here. Not really.
I'm stuck in my head.
I'm trying to convince my feelings to recede. It's less than a month until our wedding. I can survive a month of pretending.
Blake brings a broccoli floret to his lips and bites off the head.
He has a perfect business way of eating. It's patient. Neat.
I suck iced tea through my straw. This place doesn't have a bar. But then that's better. I don't need anything clouding my judgment.
What is he thinking?
What goes on behind those gorgeous blue eyes?
He catches me watching and raises his brow. "Do you want to order something else?"
I stab a shrimp with my fork and eat it whole. "No."
"Ashleigh was concerned."
"About?"
"I'm not sure. I didn't ask her to spy."
I study his expression the way he studies mine. I'm sure there's more to see on my face.
Blake is still a mystery, but his concern is clear.
He does care about me.
"I don't really want to talk about it." I stab another shrimp and eat it whole.
He brushes the hair from my eyes. The same thing he did last time. It calms me.
It should be a crime for someone to be able to calm me down or wind me up as easily as he does.
He stares into my eyes. "Do it anyway."
"I always thought my wedding would be more… real."
He nods.
"And my parents… I always thought they'd be there." I stab a red pepper. "I miss them."
"I'm sorry."
"Lizzy… she thinks I'm stupid to let you push me around."
"Is that what I do?"
"Sometimes." I chew and swallow my food. Half a plate to go. I will my appetite to return. This time last month, I would have killed for a meal like this. "She thinks I'm doing it for her."
"Aren't you?"
"Yeah. But she doesn't want me to… She still has this idea that I try to stay in control of everything." I press my fingertips together. I do try to protect Lizzy, but that's my job. She's my baby sister, even if it's been a while since she's been a baby.
His expression is intense. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. You and your sister aren't exactly on the best terms. I'm not sure I want your advice."
"I'd like to help you."
"You are," I say. "That money is going to change my life."
"But more than that." He stares into my eyes. Brushes my hair behind my ears. "I want to make you happy."
My stomach flutters. Blake has no idea what he's doing to me. He has no idea how unfair this is.
I take a deep breath.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" His fingertips brush my neck. My shoulders.
"Don't say sweet things."
"I do want to make you happy."
"Don't."
It's just like the pool. I'm about to be swallowed whole but, somehow, I believe it's going to be okay.
"I care about you," he says.
I close my eyes, soaking in the feeling of his hands on my skin.
I want all of it.
All of him.
"Blake. Don't. If you're going to whisper something, whisper a dirty promise."
He presses his lips to my neck. Then my ear. "I want to make you come."
My sex clenches. That's more like it. "How?"
"Pressed up against the wall begging for more."
I nod.
He slides his hand up my thigh. "Is this all you want from me, Kat?"
"It's all I'm going to get."
"That isn't true."
"Are you ever going to love me?"
"No."
"Then yes. This is all I want."
He kisses my neck again.
It's soft and sweet.
But it's sex.
It has to be just sex.
If I'm not careful, I'll get my heart broken.
I clear my throat. "Let's order dessert."
His composure breaks for a second. His brow furrows. It's like he's trying to figure me out. He glances at my now mostly empty plate and nods.
"Then I'll take the subway home," I say. "I haven't narrowed down my school choices, and I'm sure you have a lot to do at the office."
He stares at me. "No."
"What do you mean no?"
"I mean you're not going home. You're coming back to my place."
"No."
"There's only one way for you to say no, Kat, and it's not that word." His expression hardens. "You're coming home with me tonight."
Can't he see I'm trying to protect myself?
Maybe he doesn't care. He doesn't need protection. He's cool and aloof and impervious to all the pain that comes with falling in love.
I push myself out of the booth. "I'm going home by myself." I hold his stare. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Blake's gaze is intense. I turn away, but I can still feel it on me.
I don't get it.
He says he cares about me. But then why is he teasing me? Why is he offering breadcrumbs? Why is he so fucking lovable?
I can't do this.
Not if he's going to keep dangling his heart in front of me.
Not if he's going to pretend as if he's offering more.
Dirty Deal Page 18
