Jenna lifted the bottle to her nose, then sprayed a small amount on her wrist. “Half the school, including Michael MacKenzie.” She smiled over at Andrea.
Andrea pretended to be reading labels on the other bottles. Then she said matter-of-factly, “I heard he and Darcy Kelly broke up.” She picked up another bottle, sprayed the perfume into the air, then stepped under the mist. “I just want to meet him, Jen. Is that so bad?”
A familiar uneasiness settled along Jenna’s spine, as it did whenever Michael’s name came up these days, although she had never mentioned this to Andrea. She told herself that the apprehension came from watching Michael—and she was now convinced that it was Michael—sit on the church steps across from her house almost every evening. His behavior was a little weird, maybe. But that didn’t seem to be reason enough to alarm Andrea.
Jenna also knew how much it meant to Andrea to be at the same party as Michael. She was right; it was a chance to meet him. Maybe even talk to him. So far Andrea hadn’t been very successful at the pool.
“Well?” Andrea was leaning toward her, staring her right in the face. “Hel-lo,” she called. “You still in there?”
Jenna knew that Andrea could just as easily go to the party with any of their other friends. But she was counting on Jenna for moral support. That was what best friends were for, to help each other over the rough spots. Jenna let out an exaggerated sigh. “I know you. You won’t give up until I say I’ll go.”
Andrea nodded agreeably. “Doesn’t that make it easier?”
As they turned away from the perfume counter Jenna spotted Amy Ruggerio over by the Clinique display, trying on lipsticks. Amy smiled and waved. Jenna returned the wave, suddenly remembering Amy’s letter. She wondered if Amy had expected her to write back.
“Isn’t that Amy Ruggerio?” Andrea asked, looking curious.
“Yes.”
“You know her?” Andrea’s eyes widened.
“Not very well,” Jenna said. But she thought perhaps she was beginning to.
15
judd Passarello’s house was on the other side of town. Andrea had talked her father, who was driving them to the party, into dropping them off two blocks away because having your father drive you to the biggest party of the summer was totally uncool.
The sound of heavy metal rumbled across the yard as Jenna and Andrea came up the front walk. Cars were everywhere. They lined both sides of the street and, having long since filled the driveway, spilled over onto the front yard. Kids were outside sitting on car hoods, some smoking, some talking, and a few making out, although most of that was going on inside the cars.
Inside the Passarellos’ ranch house, bodies were wedged so tightly that Jenna wasn’t sure they’d even make it through the front door. She had a childish urge to grab Andrea’s hand so they wouldn’t get separated.
Andrea was standing on tiptoe, squinting and trying to see over people’s heads through the haze of smoke that hung over the room.
“I don’t see him,” she shouted over the thundering music.
Jenna knew she was talking about Michael. “So now what?” she shouted back.
“Let’s find the drinks,” Andrea said. “I’m thirsty.”
In the kitchen they found a large laundry tub filled with ice and cans of soda. Jenna was bending over the tub when she felt someone’s warm breath on her neck. She was so surprised to find Jason Friedman standing behind her that she dropped a can of soda on his foot.
Jason winced, then picked up the can and set it on top of the refrigerator. “I wouldn’t try to open that right now,” he said. “Unless you want to spend the rest of the evening cleaning the Passarellos’ ceiling.”
Jenna was sure her pulse rate had reached two hundred. She took a step back and leaned against the counter for support. Ever since the night she had had the panic attack in the movie theater, she had managed to keep Jason at a distance. She went out with him sometimes, but only when she knew they would be with their other friends. The rest of the time she made up what she hoped were plausible excuses.
Jason pulled two cans of soda from the tub and handed her one. She took it, praying that he wouldn’t notice she was shaking.
“I was hoping you’d be here.” Jason seemed almost shy around her, which only made her feel more awkward. “Want to go outside? The smoke in here is really bothering my eyes.”
Without actually answering him, Jenna slipped out the sliding glass door that led to a deck. Jason followed. The deck was as crowded as the rest of the house. Jenna began to walk toward the front yard, although she had no idea where she was going, or why.
There was no place to sit on the front steps, so they made their way to one of the cars on the lawn and sat on the hood. Jenna tried to open her soda, but her hands were shaking so badly she couldn’t grab the metal tab. So she closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. Gradually the anxiety began to subside. When she opened her eyes, it was to find Jason staring at her, a worried look on his face.
He took the can from her and pulled open the tab. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she lied.
After an unbearably awkward silence Jason said, “You know, I’ve been calling you almost every day and leaving messages on your answering machine.”
Jenna was struggling to think clearly and was still concentrating hard on her breathing.
“You never call back.” Jason stared down at his can of soda.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that …” What could she say? She couldn’t tell him how anxious he made her feel. He’d want to know why. And she didn’t have an answer for that.
Jason raised his hand as if he were a witness being sworn in. “Never mind. Forget it.”
“I guess I thought I’d see you at the pool, so I didn’t bother. Calling back, I mean,” Jenna said. But she suddenly remembered that she hadn’t seen him at the pool for over a week and that, in a way, she had felt relieved.
Jason shook his head. “I’ve been working on my science project. I haven’t had much time for the pool.” He was looking straight at her. “Or maybe you didn’t notice.”
A flood of mixed emotions welled up in her. “I noticed,” she whispered.
He took a deep breath, then swallowed. “Man, this is hard.”
“What?”
“Telling you what I’m thinking.”
“I thought you could tell me just about anything,” Jenna said, remembering how they had talked for hours at other parties and on the phone.
“This is different.” He rolled his can of soda back and forth between his palms.
“Why?”
“Because it’s about us.”
Jenna had just managed to calm down; now her heart began to thump all over again. “What about us?”
“That’s the thing,” he said. “Is there an us?”
Jenna forced herself to look into his eyes. His beautiful, soft gray eyes. Was it true? Did she really feel nothing for him anymore? She wondered what he would say if she told him about the awful effect he’d been having on her. After all, wasn’t it kinder than leaving him in the dark? And she might have done just that, told him everything, if Andrea hadn’t suddenly come running across the yard, navigating gracefully between cars.
“There you are!” she shrieked. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” She hopped up on the hood of the car next to Jenna. Her face glowed bright pink. “He’s here,” she announced.
“Where?” Jenna knew full well she was talking about Michael MacKenzie.
“Okay …” Andrea’s breath was coming in short, excited bursts. “Okay, now don’t look. Promise me you won’t look. Or he’ll know.”
Jenna was aware that Jason was frowning at both of them. She had no idea what was going through his mind, but she secretly prayed he wouldn’t think this had anything to do with her recent behavior toward him. “Fine,” she said, “we won’t look.”
“He’s right across the street in that gray Honda.” Andrea made short, jerky
motions with her hands. “Don’t look. Don’t look.”
“We’re not,” Jenna said. “Calm down.”
Jason was staring across the street. “Isn’t that one of the lifeguards from the pool?”
“Yes,” Andrea answered, almost breathless.
Jason looked over at Jenna. Then he slid off the car. “I think I get the picture,” he said, clenching and unclenching his fists as he headed back toward the house.
As the screen door banged behind Jason it was all Jenna could do not to run after him. Instead she told herself that maybe it was better to let him think what he wanted. It meant she wouldn’t have to explain anything to him. It was easier this way.
“What’s his problem?” Andrea asked.
Jenna answered with a silent shrug.
Andrea grabbed Jenna’s arm. “Michael’s not with anyone. He’s just been sitting there for who knows how long. Why do you think he isn’t coming inside? Do you think he’s waiting for someone? Do you—”
Jenna made a time-out sign with her hands. “Whoa, slow down.”
Andrea puffed out her cheeks and covered her eyes with her hand. “I’m acting like a complete idiot. Sorry.”
“No, you’re not,” Jenna assured her.
“It’s just that I’ve built this whole thing up in my mind, you know? And here he is, sitting right over there. And my heart feels like it’s going to fly right out of my chest.” She looked over at Jenna. “I can’t seem to stop shaking. Isn’t that the stupidest thing?”
Jenna glanced across the lawn at the gray Honda and was surprised to find Michael watching her. Goose bumps ran along her arms. Michael’s eyes suddenly widened, as if he had just realized she was looking at him, too. But he turned away before she could be sure.
“Why don’t you go over and talk to him?” Jenna suggested.
“You’re kidding. Just waltz up there and introduce myself?”
Jenna noticed Michael was now leaning forward. He had his arms folded on top of the steering wheel, his forehead pressed against his hand. She was reminded of the evenings she had watched him on the front steps of the church, knees pulled up to his chest, head bent. She had felt his pain then, and she felt it now. She wished there were some way to offer him comfort.
“Why not?” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “He looks like he could use a friend.”
“Fine. You talk to him.”
“Maybe I will.” She stood up, surprising even herself, and marched right over to the Honda. After all, Andrea couldn’t go on like this forever. Somebody had to put her out of her misery. It might as well be her best friend.
And the truth was, Jenna herself was a little curious about Michael. She wanted to know why he sat on the church steps across from her house almost every evening. Not that she’d come right out and ask him. Still, if Michael and Andrea became friends, then maybe someday Jenna would have an answer to that question.
But as Jenna approached the car, she heard the engine roar to life. She had the feeling Michael MacKenzie would have torn right out of his parking space, leaving only the smell of burning rubber in the air, if she hadn’t already rested her hand on the edge of the open window. She tried to smile reassuringly, although she wasn’t sure why she needed to.
“You’ll probably think this is really dumb,” she said, “but my friend over there has been wanting to meet you.” She nodded in Andrea’s direction. Andrea stood stock-still, as if she were a rabbit facing a hungry wolf.
Michael glanced over his shoulder to where Jenna had nodded. “I’d like to meet your friend,” he said. “But not tonight, okay?” His voice was thick, slow, as if he were weighing each word. “I have to leave right now. I’m meeting someone.”
Jenna smiled at him. It was a mechanical smile, but she didn’t dare show her disappointment. “Maybe at the next party.” She backed away from the car so that he could pull out.
When she risked turning around, she saw that Andrea was no longer in sight. But standing on the front steps of the Passarellos’ house, watching her intently, watching the entire scene between her and Michael MacKenzie, was Amy Ruggerio.
a few minutes later, when Jenna went back to the party to look for Andrea, she spotted Amy in the corner of the dining room trying to get rid of some guy. There was something about the boy that gave Jenna the creeps. He was wearing a rolled-up blue bandanna around his head and had an earring in the shape of a skull dangling from one ear. But it wasn’t the way he dressed that bothered her. Lots of kids dressed like he did. No, it was something else, something in his behavior, and the way he kept trying to force himself on Amy.
For a split second she considered going up to Amy and pretending she wanted to talk to her, just to get this guy off her back. But then she thought better of it. It really wasn’t any of her business. When she came back through the dining room again a few minutes later, she saw Amy escaping alone out the back door, and she felt an unexpected relief.
She finally found Andrea sitting under a tree in the Passarellos’ backyard. Her eyes were wet and red-rimmed. And the first thing she did when she saw Jenna was yank a fistful of grass from the lawn and throw it at her.
“I can’t believe you did that!” she shrieked.
Jenna kept a safe distance from her. There was no telling what else Andrea might decide to throw. “Come on, Andi. You wanted to meet him, didn’t you?”
A small rock whizzed by, only inches from Jenna’s head.
“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.” Andrea kept feeling the space around her with her hands, trying to find another rock to throw.
“Sure you have,” Jenna reminded her cheerfully. “Remember fifth grade, in music, when Miss Cobb tapped you on the head with the ruler, which meant everybody else stopped singing and you had to sing solo? And she kept making you sing it over and over again, smacking that dumb ruler on your desk to keep the beat, because you couldn’t get the notes right?”
“Thank you for reminding me of that.”
Another rock whipped by, just missing Jenna’s shoulder.
“Look, in the ultimate scheme of things, just how important can this be?” Jenna risked taking a few steps forward, then sat down beside Andrea. “I mean, it’s not like this is life-threatening. It’s not like I tried to talk him into taking you out or anything.”
“The ultimate scheme of things?” Andrea’s mouth hung open.
Jenna pointed to the stars that had formed a thick canopy overhead. “You know. The grand design. Or whatever.” She grinned at Andrea good-naturedly. “Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?”
Andrea punched her in the shoulder. “Michael MacKenzie, for your information, just happens to be part of my own grand design. Or was, until tonight, anyway.”
“I’m sorry, Andi. I was just trying to help.”
“I know you were.” Andrea took the sleeve of her shirt and wiped her eyes. Sooty spots of mascara stained the material, but she didn’t seem to notice. “It’s okay. I mean, you didn’t even want to come to this party in the first place, and—”
“I just didn’t think I was ready, that’s all. It’s a little soon. It’s hard to be around people who are having a great time when you feel so empty inside.”
Andrea nodded and sniffed. “And you came anyway. For me.” She rested her head on Jenna’s shoulder. “It doesn’t matter about Michael.”
After a few minutes of silence Jenna said, “All I did was tell him you wanted to meet him. And he said he’d like to meet you, too. Only he couldn’t right then because he had to leave.”
“He said that? He said he wanted to meet me?” Andrea brushed the smudgy wet spots from her cheeks, looking hopeful.
“Yes. He said, ‘I’d like to meet your friend.’ That’s exactly what he said. His exact words.”
Andrea seized Jenna’s arm. “You mean that? You’re not making it up?”
“Why would I make it up?” Jenna shook her head. “Next party. You’ll see.”
Andrea leaned back against the tree, closed her eyes, and sighed. “Next party,” she whispered.
it took five difficult math problems before Jenna felt calm enough to go to bed. The whole night had been an emotional roller-coaster ride. First Jason, then Andrea, even Amy. Then there was the odd feeling she had had when she saw Michael MacKenzie watching her from his car. She had begun to wonder if his sitting on those church steps almost every evening had something to do with her.
Jenna erased the proof to the second equation. It was all wrong. She brushed off her paper and stared down at the problem, but the numbers blurred on the page. A larger puzzle filled her mind. Was it possible Michael was interested in her? She shook her head, immediately dismissing the idea. She felt disloyal to Andrea for even thinking such a thing.
Besides, he wouldn’t have been in such an all-fired hurry to drive off if that were the case. And who was she kidding? She might be okay to look at, but Andrea was downright gorgeous.
Jenna bent over the last math problem on the page. If only relationships could be worked out through mathematics. But that was impossible. There were simply too many variables.
She’d probably never figure these people out. Not Andrea, or Michael, or Amy, or Jason. It was all so complicated.
Exhausted, Jenna closed her math book, slipped on her nightgown, and crawled into bed, hoping to go right to sleep. Instead she lay awake for hours, trying to decide what to do about Jason.
And when she did fall asleep, her dreams gave her little peace. Because this time, as she stumbled through the dark forest with Amy beside her, another person appeared. Jenna was almost halfway down the path when she spotted a boy up ahead, sitting beneath the Ghost Tree. And even with his head down, his arms folded about his bent knees, she knew it was Michael MacKenzie.
michael
16
it was almost Labor Day weekend, and Michael had begun to breathe easier. Maybe Joe had been right. The police just didn’t have enough evidence to put together a case. He knew from general neighborhood gossip, usually shared by his mother over dinner, that Healey and Boyle had finally finished questioning everyone in the area. The process had taken a lot longer than expected because many of the families had been on vacation. But no one had come back to his house or asked any more questions. So Michael dared to hope.
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