by L.H. Cosway
“I love you, too,” I whispered, eyes trained on the grass. Even in the dark it looked so green, or maybe that was just my thumping heart amplifying the colour.
A deep, low chuckle escaped him. “What was that, flower? I didn’t quite catch what you said there. Also, you need to look at me. Don’t rob me of your eyes.”
Swallowing for courage, I moved my gaze to his. “I said, I love you.”
A wide, glorious smile shaped his mouth as he bent down to place a gentle kiss to the edge of my lips. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Loud clapping startled me out of my trance before I had the chance to pull him in for a proper kiss. Whatever act that had been on inside had just ended, and the audience was cheering. I decided to pretend they were cheering for us. For me and Jack and our quiet little confession of love.
He brushed his thumb over my lip and tugged on my hand. “Come with me — I want to give you something.”
Curious, I allowed him to lead me past the tent and back to the campers. When we reached his, he pulled me inside, then disappeared into his bedroom. I heard him opening and shutting a drawer before he returned with a small cardboard box in his hand. Pulling me down to sit, he placed it in my palm and told me to open it.
I pushed open the top and saw something bundled up in bubble wrap. Retrieving it, I began to strip away the plastic until I discovered it was a tiny hot air balloon forged in copper. Only a second passed before I remembered it. I’d seen this ornament before. It was from the curiosity shop back in Caen. It had been sitting in the window display while I admired it and pointed out to Lola and Jack how much it resembled my tattoo.
“You bought this back in Caen, didn’t you?” I said, my voice airy, emotion causing my voice to catch.
He pulled me onto his lap and rested his head on my shoulder as I traced my fingers over the copper.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I felt rather than saw him shift, as though self-conscious. “I wanted it because you wanted it. There was something about the way you looked at it, like it was magical, that made me need to buy it. I wanted to possess that kind of magic, but more importantly I wanted to give it to you because I knew it would make you happy and I liked to see you smile. So I went back the next day and bought it.”
A small, affectionate laugh escaped me, while at the same time my eyes grew watery. It was just a little ornament, and yet, it meant the world to me. It meant everything to know Jack had been so thoughtful to buy it when I couldn’t afford it. I turned in his lap and stroked his jaw. “You bought it for me?”
His laugh matched mine. “Yes. I suppose I thought it’d endear you to me.”
“I was already fascinated by you. Endearment wasn’t necessary,” I told him, hoping he could see the love in my eyes. “Why did you wait so long to give it to me?”
His arms slid around my waist, and his voice vibrated deep into my core. “I got a little attached to it for a while, but I don’t need its magic anymore. I’ve got you now.” He said the words simply, like all this was completely obvious, and my heart squeezed as I twisted and planted a kiss on his mouth.
“You, Jack McCabe, are the magic one,” I said before setting the ornament down and reaching up to lift my shirt over my head.
Seventeen
And two bleeding souls were reunited
It had been an extremely humid day, and I was taking a break from face painting to sit in the refreshment stand with Lola and press a cold water bottle to my forehead. The show had just started, so Lola’s customers were slowly trickling out. She wouldn’t get busy again until the intermission. I eyed her speculatively. She seemed to be doing quite well now, and I never caught her crying or looking sad anymore. But still, I thought about the night of the attack all the time, wondered who it had been. It made my skin prickle with eerie awareness.
I also wondered about her life before the circus. About her husband Derek, who had treated her so badly she’d run away and assumed a new identity.
“What age were you when you came here?” I asked as she wiped down the service counter. I had graduated from pressing the bottle to my forehead to opening it up and gulping down its soothing coolness.
“Eighteen,” she answered without having to think about it.
“Eighteen?” I said. “And you were already married?”
“Yeah, well, you know I’m kind of impulsive. I have this habit of meeting people and latching on right away. I did it with you.” She paused and gave me a smile, which I returned. “The problem is that sometimes I latch onto the wrong person. Derek was twenty-five when I met him. He was a policeman, had his own place, and owned a car. I thought he was so sophisticated,” she said, rolling her eyes at herself. “I never questioned it when he proposed to me after only two months seeing each other. We married a month after that, and I moved in with him. That’s when the hitting started. I’d forget to wash his uniform on time or I’d be late having dinner on the table, and he’d beat me black and blue. I had to escape. The circus was in town, and I saw it as my opportunity. I applied for a job, and the rest is history. Derek hasn’t found me yet, and if I play my cards right, he never will.”
I nodded, absorbing her story and thinking of how scared she must have been to run away like that. How strong she was now in the little life she’d made for herself.
“I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t know where we could buy a ticket, would you?” A voice cut through my thoughts, and Lola stepped over to the counter again to help the customer. I glanced at the woman, taking in her long dark hair and light blue eyes, her pretty heart-shaped face and stylish clothes. I normally wouldn’t have paid such close attention, but this woman had an Irish accent, which was an unusual thing to hear when you were in Italy. She looked to be in her early to mid-twenties, and smiled at us with straight white teeth.
“Yeah,” Lola began, and pointed to the ticket booth just across the way, “you can get tickets over there.”
“Thank you,” said the woman, just before a man called out,
“Watson, for crying out loud, is it impossible for you to wait up for me?”
The man behind the voice appeared a second later, and the moment I saw him, my entire body broke out into a cold sweat. He was tall, about the same height as Jack, had gorgeous hazel brown eyes and an undercut, the top part a touch dishevelled. He wore a tailored suit jacket with a band T-shirt underneath and dark jeans. Basically, he was drop-dead gorgeous; he’d barely spoken, and already I was being hit with a whack of the charisma stick. Jack had the same effect, but it was rough around the edges, and he was often unaware of it. This guy knew exactly the effect he wielded, and his charm was practiced and honed to a “T.”
I’d recognise him anywhere. This was Jay Fields, Jack’s brother, and I couldn’t believe he was standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe my letter had brought him here. I also couldn’t believe that I’d basically forgotten I’d even sent that letter. In recent weeks, I’d been so wrapped up in Jack that it had completely slipped from my mind.
He wrapped his arm around the petite woman’s waist, his jaw tight. There was an air of tension about him that put me on edge. I only realised I was staring at him with my mouth wide open when Lola nudged me with her elbow and muttered under her breath in amusement, “Close your mouth, Lille.”
Her words made me blink, snapping me back to attention.
Jay glanced at me and frowned. “Hey, are you okay, darlin? You look like you just saw a ghost.” He was staring at me hard now, attention flickering over my features as though he was thinking rapid thoughts.
“You’re Jay Fields,” I blurted out stupidly.
“A-ha!” Lola exclaimed. “I knew I recognised him from somewhere. You’re mad talented, mate. I can’t believe you’re here at the circus. I was just showing Lille your videos a couple of weeks ago. What are the chances, eh?”
Jay was still staring at me when a light bulb set off behind his eyes. “You’re Lille,” he breathed,
stepping forward with his arm still around the woman. “Lille Baker?”
I swallowed hard and nodded, unable to find my voice. Jay shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out some folded papers. He unfolded them, and with a sudden pang of dread, I recognised both my and Jack’s handwriting. Jay pointed to my letter. “You wrote this?”
Again, all I could do was nod. I was sure my eyes were just two big round saucers at that stage.
“Where is he?” Jay asked, running a hand anxiously through his hair. He seemed pumped, full of nervous energy. “Where is my brother?”
“Jay,” said the woman, turning in his arms and placing her hands to his chest. Her voice was gentle, soothing. “Relax. Take a breath. We don’t even know if this is real.”
Jay closed his eyes and took a deep breath as instructed before speaking again. “That’s why I came here. I need to find out. I need to know if he’s alive.”
Whoa, hold up a second, what? Jay thought Jack was dead? I had no clue what was going on, but I did know that I needed to push back my nerves and deal with this situation. Jack had always been clear that he had no desire to see his brother ever again, but here he was, and it was all my doing. If I didn’t get a handle on it quickly, then this whole thing was likely to blow up in my face. Jack was going to hate me when he found out what I’d done. Why on earth had I done it again? Oh, yeah, because I’m a sentimental idiot.
I quickly left the refreshments stand and went around to meet them, calling over my shoulder, “Lola, can we go to Violet’s for a little bit?”
Lola seemed confused. “You want to take these two to Violet’s? Why?”
“I’ll explain everything later. But right now I need to take care of something really important.”
She shrugged. “Yeah, okay, go ahead. Violet won’t be back until later after the show anyway.”
I gave her a thankful look before turning to Jay. “Can you come with me, please? I need to talk with you. Jack can’t know you’re here, not yet.”
There was suspicion in his eyes, but after a moment he nodded and gestured for me to lead the way, taking the woman’s hand in his and following me. I quietly led them both to Violet’s camper and opened the door, standing back and gesturing for them to go inside.
They sat down in the lounge, and I stood there for a second, not knowing what to do. I moved my feet one after the other and went to put on the kettle. Then I went to sit across from them. The woman was smiling at me in a friendly manner while Jay continued to regard me with suspicion.
“I’m Matilda, by the way,” she said, holding out her hand. “Jay’s wife.”
I noticed she was wearing a beautiful engagement ring and wedding band before I took her hand and shook it.
“I’m Lille, Lille Baker, but you already know that,” I replied, my voice shaky. I stared at my hands. “So, um, as I said in my letter, Jack has no idea I wrote to you. In fact, well, I don’t know how else to say this, but he doesn’t want to see you. I apologise for being blunt, but he kind of hates you.”
Jay leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he tilted his head at me. “He hates me?”
“Well, yes, you see, it’s because your uncle told him you didn’t want to see him. And he was all alone for so long, and people treated him so badly, and he was just hurting so much. He’s still hurting, but he pretends he doesn’t care. As you can tell from the letter, he does care — he just doesn’t want to admit it.” I was rambling, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
Jay sat back, like it all suddenly made sense to him, and I wondered what I’d said that explained things. I didn’t have to wait long before a dark look came over his face, and he began shaking his head back and forth. “My uncle. My fucking dipshit of an uncle.” A silence elapsed before he turned to his wife. “Can you fucking believe this?”
“Jay, calm down,” she whispered, but her plea only seemed to set him off worse. He turned to her, furious.
“Calm down!? Calm fucking down? Not only did that evil bastard rob me of a decent childhood, but he also robbed me of my only brother. He told me Jack was dead, Matilda. Dead! What kind of sick fuck does something like that?” He punched his fist into the sofa, and it all quickly started to make sense. All of my misgivings about Jack’s story were not unfounded. I’d been right. Something fishy had been going on. Jay didn’t abandon Jack — he’d thought he was dead because that’s what his uncle had told him.
Once Jay had relaxed a little, Matilda pulled him into her arms. His body shook and I knew instinctively that he was crying. I thought I should have been more stunned by such a big, handsome, confident man crying, but I wasn’t. I felt his pain, his loss. I felt it all through my connection with Jack.
Matilda looked at me over Jay’s shoulder, and we exchanged concerned glances. I had no idea where to go from here. I mean, how would I explain all this to Jack? I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to just go right up to him and be all, Hey, Jack, funny story, but I stole the letter you wrote to your brother and sent it to him. Now he’s here, and, well, you’re welcome. Yeah, I could see that conversation going down like a lead balloon.
My eyes went to the clock on the wall, and I noticed it was almost time for Jack’s performance. Perhaps that was the way I could get around this. If I brought Jay into the audience, he’d be able to see Jack, have proof that he was alive from a distance, and then I could figure out where to go from there.
After a minute, Jay pulled away from his wife and turned to study me again. His eyes were a little blotchy, and his face stern. It was clear that he still didn’t trust me. I was wearing my summer dress and a loose cardigan, my battered converse on my feet. My hair was up in a dishevelled bun that I’d secured with a wooden paintbrush, in lieu of a proper hair tie. I was forever losing those things. I desperately wanted to know what he thought of me, and deep down I wanted him to like me because he was Jack’s brother and I was in love with Jack.
“How do you know my brother?” Jay asked, sitting up straight now and levelling me with his full attention. And whoa, the full attention of Jay Fields was more than a little intense. My skin was prickling slightly, and I felt like I was on trial.
I glanced away for a second and nervously scratched at my wrist. “I’m, well, I’m kind of his girlfriend.”
Jay’s eyebrow shot up, and for the first time something that resembled a smile shaped his lips. “Only kind of?”
My throat felt tight. “Well, yeah, I’m head over heels in love with him, but it’s all very new.”
Now he gave me a proper smile, and there must have been something in the way I said it that rang true, because all his suspicions melted away.
“Yeah, it looks like you are, darlin.” His eyes moved over my form. “My brother has good taste.” At this his wife elbowed him in the side, but she was smirking. “Stop flirting with your brother’s girlfriend, Jason,” she scolded playfully, and he raised his hands in surrender. “What? She’s cute. I’m just noticing that my brother has a cute girl, no harm in that.” He went quiet for a second, and some of his tension returned as he ran his hand down his face. “My brother,” he whispered to himself. “Fuck, this is crazy.”
“Would you like to see him now?” I asked gently, and his response was fervent.
“Hell, yes.”
Standing and smoothing down the skirt of my dress, I said, “Come on, then. He should be on stage right about now.”
As I led them both out of the camper and towards the tent, Jay asked, “So, you mentioned in your letter that Jack’s a performer, but you never said what kind?”
We were almost at the tent now, and I could hear Marina’s voice echoing through the sound system as she introduced Jack’s act. When we reached the side entrance, I took a deep breath and turned to face him. “I think I’ll let you see for yourself.”
Jay and Matilda stepped in ahead of me just as the music began to play and Jack made his entrance onto the stage, the flame-tipped metal wheels spinning on his bare, muscular arms.
The audience cheered wildly, and I found my attention wandering to Jay as he stood there, frozen. His jaw was tight, his hands clenching into fists, and I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. His eyes blazed fiercely as his attention fixed on Jack, and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking. Did he recognise him after all this time? What was he feeling right now to see his brother? A brother who for years he thought was dead but was in fact very much alive. And man, was Jack alive. As he moved about the stage, his very being practically pulsated with life and vitality.
Jay’s hand went to his mouth, emotion overtaking him, as Matilda wrapped her arms around him for support. All of a sudden, it looked like the strength went out of him, and if it weren’t for his petite wife, he might have crumpled to the floor. A wave of emotion hit me just watching him. My throat was heavy with tears, my lungs burned, and my heart beat hard and fast.
My attention wandered back to Jack, who was now spewing flames around the stage and soliciting noises of fear, awe, and excitement in his audience. He looked magnificent, so strong and fierce. And he had no idea that his brother was in the audience, his brother who up until a half hour ago had been convinced that he was dead. I was frightened of Jack discovering what I’d done, but at the same time, I knew it was the right thing. Both Jay and Jack had been mistaken about their past, and by putting myself on the line, I was reuniting them.
His act went on for about fifteen minutes, and several times throughout I saw Jay try to pull out of his wife’s arms and run towards the stage. He wanted Jack to know he was there. Fortunately, each time Matilda pulled him back and murmured in his ear, her words working to subdue his eagerness and distress.
What do I do now?
What do I do now?
The question was still echoing in my head as I began to panic, no answers forthcoming, when suddenly Jack was performing his final trick. He tilted his head back and dipped the torch deep inside his mouth before swallowing the flame. The moment the music cut out and the crowd began to cheer, Jay was pulling out of his wife’s hold and taking big, hurried strides toward that stage.
