“I just expect you to be you,” he stated simply.
Just as I was about to say something, I heard a female voice in the background on his end. Silence permeated through the phone lines as quickly as a virus could spread.
“Who was that?” I asked as anger began to swell up in me. I knew the voice of Darvin’s assistant, Felicia, and that was not her voice.
“What voice?” he said, sounding clearly disturbed.
“Please don’t play games with me. Now, I know I heard a female’s voice, so whose was it?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Michelle.”
“So, now it’s Michelle? What happened to baby? You’ve been referring to me as baby this entire conversation, but now I’m Michelle to you?” I was clearly agitated. “Who’s there with you? And I want to know right now.”
“Listen, I don’t have time for this. Like I said, I’ll be home in a couple of hours, and if you need to get me, just call me on my cell.”
“Are you dismissing me?” I shrieked.
“Calm down. It can’t be healthy for you. Please. Let’s just drop this and finish it later. We’ve been arguing too much lately, and to be honest, I just don’t feel like it anymore. I’m tired. I don’t care where I go; I don’t fight with anyone else nearly as much as I do with you.”
“What does that mean?”
He sighed. “It means I need to hang up now. This is going in the wrong direction.”
“No, the only things going in the wrong direction are you and your secrets. Just simply tell me who she is and I’ll drop it.”
Darvin didn’t offer any more information as to where he was going or who he was going with, so I was left to assume that the woman that I heard was the woman who would be accompanying him.
“Okay. Have it your way. Matter of fact, don’t even worry about trying to get home in a couple of hours. Stay as long as you like. Dinner will be in the refrigerator, and I will be in the bed. Please don’t wake me.”
“Michelle, if you want me to come home, I will,” he said as if he were about to lose his best friend.
“I want you to do whatever makes you feel good. That’s what everybody else seems to be doing lately.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Look, we are both tense right now. Let’s not say anything that will further agitate the situation. And how will it look for the pastor to be agitated, especially while on duty?”
“Do you expect me to care about your agitation? You are purposely avoiding my questions, causing more agitation than you’ll ever know.” I paused for a second. “I don’t understand you. It’s like you’ll forsake everything, including me, for the sake of the church and for the sake of how people perceive you as the pastor,” I shouted.
“How many times do I have to explain to you the seriousness of what I do? I know that you don’t understand, but you need to figure out a way to deal with it. I’m a pastor, and I’m going to be until the day I die, so if you don’t like it, you might need to consider some other options,” he said coldly.
The eye wells had opened back up and were dousing my face.
“Be careful what you say, Pastor Johnson. While I know that you’re the pastor, you have an obligation to your home too. And when the needs of the home aren’t being met, the home might have to relocate and allow someone else to take care of it.”
Darvin’s laughter infuriated me the more. “Where are you going to go? Your mother’s house?”
If I could have reached through the receiver and socked him in the mouth, I would have knocked all of his teeth down his throat. How dare he insult me? “I don’t know who you think you are or what type of woman you think I am, but please know that my mother’s house isn’t my only option. Don’t you ever underestimate me, Darvin Johnson.”
His cell phone died after my statement, and after trying for several more minutes to reach him back, I finally decided to go to bed. But I had no plans to sleep. I watched several reruns of the Cosby Show. I had a doctor’s appointment early the next morning, but I was determined to stay up until Darvin came home. I was not done with what I had to say, and regardless of how tired he was when he got home, I was going to make him hear me out.
I heard the sound of the alarm and prayed that it was Darvin coming through the door. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand; it read 2:06 A.M.
I felt my blood pressure rising as I looked from the clock to Darvin.
“Hey,” Darvin mumbled after seeing that I was awake.
“Hello,” I said cautiously, trying not to show my anger before giving him an opportunity to explain why his behind had been out until after two in the morning.
“I know you’re wondering why I’m just now getting home. And let me just say that you have every right to be.”
It was good that he was cutting straight to the chase; however, he was still going too slowly for me.
“Why haven’t I been able to get you on your cell phone? And please tell me where in the world you’ve been until this time of the morning.”
“First, my cell phone battery went dead right while I was talking to you, so—”
I interrupted. “And what was wrong with the car charger, might I ask?”
“I didn’t have it with me.”
I rolled my eyes in exaggeration. “I’m finding that hard to believe. You take that thing with you everywhere, especially since we found out that I was pregnant.”
Darvin cast his eyes to the floor. He knew that what he was saying didn’t make any sense. All of a sudden, I started getting this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had never considered that Darvin might have been staying out and acting out of character because . . .
“Michelle,” he said, interrupting my thoughts. “Before you allow your imagination to get the best of you, let me just say that I’m sorry for how I acted earlier.”
“So, what did you do?” I asked impatiently, not caring to know anything more than that.
He sat down on the bed and dropped his head. I prepared myself for the worst. I had never been concerned as to whether he’d ever cheated on me, but tonight I was beginning to wonder. I didn’t have any idea what he was about to say to me.
“The reason I didn’t answer you earlier on the phone when you asked me who was in the background was because I didn’t know how to tell you.”
I was sure that my heart was skipping several beats.
“It was a woman by the name of Alexandria.” He hesitated before he continued on. “I’ve been helping her through some things.”
It was my turn to say something. “Things like what?”
“Well, I met her a few weeks ago when she drop-ped by the church office. She’d never visited the church before, and was coming in to inquire about the church and service times.”
“What?” He was impossible. “She didn’t see the huge sign in the church’s yard listing the service times, website information, so on and so forth?”
He released a breath. “I don’t know. Anyway, she came in, we started talking about the church, and immediately she was excited about what we had to offer. She then began to share with me some things that she was going through in her personal life, and I agreed to help her. It wasn’t until tonight that I realized at what cost.”
Clearly disturbed, I said, “Darvin, you have a big sign on your head that reads stupid, stupid, stupid. How many times do I have to tell you to stop being so naïve? You always fall in the same trap with the same type of women, who play the ‘woman in distress’ role, and it’s like you lose your head. I don’t understand you.”
“Michelle, it wasn’t like that. I really wanted to help her. It wasn’t until tonight that I realized that she didn’t want or need my help.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” he asked, confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me about her if it was so innocent?” I paused.
“Here I was dealing with all the mess I’ve had to deal with—needing help myself—and you, m
y husband, were off helping someone else.”
“Michelle . . .” he said, moving toward me.
“Don’t you dare touch me! I don’t want you to come near me,” I said, my breath so hot it could’ve been mistaken for fiery flames.
He looked defeated. Out of all the things I’d had to endure, never would I have imagined this. True, we had our struggles; we had our days of breaking up. Now, the man of my dreams, who I thought could do no wrong, was standing before me talking about the “other woman.”
“So, tell me, what did you do?” The next words were hard to squeeze out. It was like trying to get the last of the toothpaste out of an empty tube. “Did you sleep with her?”
“No,” he said somberly.
I exhaled a sigh of relief.
“But I’ll be honest. I can’t say that I didn’t want that at some point.”
This time, I held my breath, and it was filled with anger. In this case, the truth was better left untold.
“That’s why I got so defensive with you on the phone. We went out to dinner, talked for hours, and she talked to me about how she was just getting over a bad relationship. I’ve been counseling her for weeks—trying to be a true friend—but she wanted more than that. It was something about her that was intriguing, and my sin nature wanted to give in, but when we drove up to her house, I realized I was making a mistake.”
It seemed that lately shock was the only emotion that applied to me. I didn’t even know what to say. My husband was sitting on our bed, telling me that he’d almost had an affair. Some would say almost didn’t count, but it did to me.
“Darvin, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. I know that the past few weeks—maybe months—haven’t been good. Is that just cause for you to go out and start having an affair on me? What did I do to deserve that? Or should I say the thought of it?”
“Nothing. I’m just going through some things within myself. Michelle, in my heart, I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to escape reality. I wanted to go to a place where my reality was somehow different. Where it seemed as if I could escape and where our problems didn’t exist.”
Jesus, keep me near the cross. Did he just say escape? Who didn’t want an escape?
“Did you ever stop to think that the place you were trying to escape to was a place that I’d love to go myself? Did you ever stop to think that I’ve been hurting too?” The thought of his selfishness made me angrier. “How do you think I cope? I would like to take a vacation to la-la land, but I can’t, because I know you’re counting on me. Our baby is counting on me.”
Darvin allowed the tears to flow freely. He looked as if he’d aged several years. I’d never seen him so broken about something, and while I knew that he wasn’t perfect, I never thought that we would be having this discussion.
He shook his head. “I will never be able to make this make sense. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I should have never entered into any type of relationship with this woman without you knowing it. For any reason. Ever.”
“So, is she the person you’ve been spending your evenings with?”
He looked up at me as if he feared for his life. “Yes.”
I suddenly remembered the note that I’d gotten in church that Sunday. My instincts told me that the woman must have been there, and it was evident that she wanted me to know it. Didn’t men know that the other woman would never be completely satisfied with just being the other woman? Females like her wanted to be the one and only. Women like her made me think of Daphne and Dawn.
“But what did I do? Why didn’t you come and talk to me?” I questioned.
I didn’t understand this. Couldn’t understand it. Wouldn’t understand it.
“And say what? That I met another woman that I’m attracted to? A woman who validates me and is just as passionate and understanding of ministry as I am? Another woman who seems to understand what I go through—all while helping me to forget what I’m going through?” He turned around on the bed. “You know that I couldn’t have told you that.”
He sure in a devil’s hell couldn’t. He was already about to get his head knocked off had he said one more thing about this woman.
“But we could have talked about it nonetheless. We could have communicated about what the other was feeling. If you had voids, you should have come to me. I’m your wife and you’re my husband. That’s what married people do. They work through their problems.”
“Those are the politically correct answers, Michelle, but until you’re faced with temptation, you don’t know how you will respond.” He stood and began unbuttoning his shirt. He took it off and tossed it on the nearby chair.
“I don’t know what to say, and I know that saying I’m sorry is not enough. You don’t deserve this, especially with all that you’ve had to deal with lately. For some strange reason, I felt that all of what’s been happening was my fault. I told myself that you were disappointed in the life you had to live because of being married to me, so instead of facing you, I ran. It seemed as if one thing after the other was happening, and because I couldn’t do a single thing about it, I took off my Superman cape. I retreated into the false safety of Delilah’s lap.”
He took my hands into his own. “I can never make up for this, Michelle. I won’t even try. I won’t lie to you anymore and try to pretend that I’m perfect and that I have it all together. I thought I was above reproach and falling down, but this has taught me that I’m just as vulnerable as anyone else. I went seeking someone to validate me and to reaffirm that I was a good man, something that I felt I wasn’t being to you anymore.”
Once again, tears were flowing; this time from both of our eyes. The enemy had tried once again to destroy me, Darvin, and our home. He gave it his best shot to take us under. But every time, we came out stronger. I didn’t know what the future held, but one thing I did know was who held the future. And my life was in His hands.
Darvin slid over to my side of the bed—slowly crossing the emotional borders that I’d created in response to his confession. When he reached for me, I allowed myself to fall into what seemed like unfamiliar arms. Had she also been in his arms? It was a question I was too afraid to ask.
The assurance I once had in our tight-knit bond had slowly faded into the night, and dark clouds loomed over it.
He stroked my face with the tip of his thumbs and allowed the trail to continue down my bare forearm. The heat from his touch made me want to loosen my resolve, but the memory of his actions made me resist the temptation.
“Darvin,” I said between kisses he was now placing on my neck.
“Yes,” he replied seductively.
Mmm . . . the rich sounds of his baritone voice always made me weak.
Not tonight.
“Your blanket is already in there on the couch.”
He came to an abrupt halt. “Excuse me?”
I eased off the bed, grabbed the pillow I kept on the chaise for extra back support, and gave it to him.
“And here’s a pillow.”
He looked into my eyes—his own confused.
“What are you saying, baby?”
“What I’m saying is you’re sleeping on the couch. Now, will it be one pillow or two?”
Without saying a word, he reluctantly took the pillow, and I watched him and his entire make-me-wanna-throw-him-down-and-make-love-to-him body walk out of our bedroom. I was pissed at what he’d done, but was also grateful that he’d come to his senses before it was too late.
How-ev-er . . . his behind was still sleeping on the couch tonight.
Chapter Seventeen
Daphne
The drive to church made me nervous. It had been a few months since I’d shown up again at Mount Zion. I had to be careful not to blow my cover as Dawn, so I decided to lurk in the shadows. I wanted them—specifically Michelle—to think she’d somehow gotten rid of me. Since Twylah’s death, I felt showing up at church would have been just a little too risky for me, seeing that things were so sensitive. Not tha
t I had a reason to be afraid; I just didn’t want to take any chances.
The truth was, I hadn’t meant to kill her, but the stupid girl kept squirming. I only wanted to talk to her to get more information, but she insisted on trying to escape. I’d gotten so angry that I didn’t realize that my hands were tightening around her neck and I was choking her until she wasn’t breathing anymore. Her last breath had been slow and deliberate. And as she fell limp in the chair, it hit me that I’d killed her.
I panicked when I realized what I’d done, and was in desperate need of a way out. I ran out of there so fast, Marion Jones couldn’t have stopped me.
Thinking back to that day still made me shudder . . .
I’d posted Twylah’s bail, and afterward, she hadn’t even said enough to me to form a paragraph the entire way home. I kept glancing over at her, waiting for her to make some sort of conversation, and she hadn’t provided anything.
So, I’d decided to jump start it.
“T, aren’t you going to say thank you or something for getting you out of jail?” I asked.
“Yeah, thanks,” she said nonchalantly.
“Excuse me,” I said, exaggerating my words. “I didn’t know that you had the money to get yourself out, because had I known that, I wouldn’t have posted your eighty-thousand dollar bail,” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“Daphne, if you’re going to make me kiss your butt for getting me out of jail, you’re sadly mistaken.” She turned to me. “You need me just as much as I need you,” she said, looking back toward the window. “So please don’t get it twisted.”
I raised an eyebrow. That short jail time had made her a little feisty.
Nonetheless, she was the one mistaken if she thought that she was going to get away with talking to me like that. “I suggest you change your tone. Let’s not forget all that I’ve done for you.”
“No, let’s not forget all I’ve done for you. I’ve betrayed a friend for months now for a few extra dollars.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
Diary of a Mad First Lady Page 12
