“Can’t take what anymore?” Justin asked, looking at the shattered ornaments. “The mess you’ve made?”
“The mess you’ve made,” Spencer retorted. “Why can’t you ever see the consequences of your actions? Why is everything someone else’s fault?”
Justin blankly stared at him, completely clueless, as always. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Spencer held up Justin’s phone. “I’m talking about this. I’m talking about Cyber.”
“Cyber?” he asked. “You pushed me into the tree because of Cyber?”
“You’re on it all the time!”
“No, I’m not.”
The bald-faced lie stunned Spencer. Never before had trust been an issue between them. Whether the truth was hurtful or not, they always spoke it. They came to that agreement early on in their relationship. It was the ballast that kept them afloat. Now, they were listing to one side.
“Since when did you start lying to me?” he asked. “Are we that far gone from where we once were?”
“I’m not lying,” replied Justin. “I’m not on it all day. I open it up during the day to see if I have messages and then log off. It’s not like I have time to chat on Cyber all day long. I’m busy too, you know?”
Spencer felt tongues of flame coil from his body, sparked and fanned by Justin’s continuing lies. “Really?” He pushed the on button on the cell phone and opened it to the home screen. The Cyber icon, a pair of white briefs amidst a yellow box, rested on the main page. He tapped on the icon, and then began scrolling through the chat logs.
“Message sent to Cub4Love at eight thirty this morning. Then again at eight forty-five. Another at eight forty-seven. Nine o’clock. Nine fifteen. Ten thirty-six. Eleven twenty-three. That’s six before lunch, and that’s only to this one guy. Let’s not forget the seven messages to ManEater12, where you both describe how you would suck each other off. There’s also the cock shots you sent to Latino2000, and the ones you received of him spreading his ass for the camera.” He looked squarely into Justin’s eyes. “Should I continue?”
“There’s no need,” was all Justin replied.
“I disagree completely,” Spencer shouted. He threw the phone at Justin, who caught it in midair. “But I’m not going to do that to myself.”
“Why are we even doing this at all?” Justin asked. He placed the phone in the pocket of his jeans. “You’re the one who told me about Cyber.”
He expected Justin to lob that argument over the net. Sometimes he was too predictable. He wouldn’t deny introducing Justin to Cyber. Spencer told him about all the apps currently installed on his phone. If it weren’t for him, Justin wouldn’t have a single app.
“So,” he said, emphasizing the vowel as he typically did when upset. “It’s my fault, then? That’s bullshit and you know it!”
“I’m not saying that, but you were the one who told me about it. Hell, you used it too.” Justin stood before him, hands on his hips, with a smug look on his face.
“I’m not denying any of those statements,” he conceded. “But you’ve become obsessed with it.” Spencer crossed his arms over his chest and stared at him, hard. Justin’s smug stature collided with his fuck you look. “You’re on Cyber at work. If you were to get caught taking dick pics there, you could be fired. Do you realize that? Not to mention that you’re on Cyber at home all the damn time. When we’re watching TV together, you’re chatting on Cyber. When you go to the bathroom, you take the damn phone with you and chat while you shit. I mean, come on!”
“I see your point,” Justin said, hands still on hips.
“No you don’t,” Spencer replied. “You’re telling me what I want to hear. You don’t get it at all.” Completely exasperated, Spencer paced the living room, walking in circles around the coffee table and the leather sofa.
He really doesn’t get it. He thinks I’m the problem. That I’m crazy.
He’s a dipshit, his father told him. Most Mexicans are. They siesta all day and then wonder why they have no money for food. They never see that they’re their own worst enemies. Except this one. He does know how much he’s screwed up. He gets it. But he’s too chickenshit to admit it. He doesn’t have the balls to accept responsibility. So like the rest of his kind, he’s gonna let you think you’re the problem. Until you give in. Until you find a way to fix it for him.
Spencer stopped pacing. He stared at his reflection in the dark television screen. Distorted by shadows, he didn’t even recognize himself. Is that what’s happening to me? Am I losing myself? Have I already lost myself?
You’re long gone, amigo, his father announced. You disappeared once you lassoed yourself to this burro.
To the left of his reflection, he saw Justin standing behind him, watching. His hands still on his hips, he looked impatient, as if he were willing this disagreement to end.
He doesn’t care anymore, and you know it.
Yes, he does, Spencer told him. He loves me.
You think so? his father asked with a snicker. He hasn’t even noticed the ornament yet.
He hasn’t?
Nope, replied his father. You’re gonna have to do something big. Something so big that it gets his attention. That’s the only way you’ll know for sure how he feels.
Like what?
Like London.
He had completely forgotten about the upcoming spring semester in London. As part of the university’s curriculum, St. Mary’s sent interested students and faculty to London for an entire semester, where students get to take college courses from St. Mary’s faculty while also broadening students’ awareness of cultural diversity. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for students and faculty alike.
While it was a bit late to volunteer, he was certain he could call in a few favors with his dean and department chair, if he was really interested in going.
It’s also perfect for your situation right now. If you tell him you’re going, he should beg you to stay, right?
“Are we done?” Justin asked. “Because you haven’t said anything for, like, five minutes.”
Spencer laughed, not because he found Justin’s statement funny. His father was right after all. “Yes,” he replied. “We are.” Justin turned to leave, most likely to disappear into the bathroom and check Cyber in peace and quiet. “We’re so done that I’m planning on going to London for the spring semester.”
Justin stopped. His back still turned to him, he asked, “You’re going to London? For the entire semester?”
“I just may be,” he replied. He was pleased the news got Justin’s attention.
“And you didn’t think to discuss this with me, your partner, first?”
He snorted. “It’s not like you would’ve noticed. Your head’s been stuck in Cyber for so long I could’ve been gone for the entire sixteen weeks before you were even aware of it.”
“That’s not fair or true!” Justin said, turning to face him.
For the first time, he saw fear behind the anger. His plan might work after all. “I’m not so sure.”
“You accuse me of keeping secrets when you’ve been keeping this from me? You’ve been planning on leaving for four months without even once discussing it?” Justin’s explosive rage caught him off guard.
“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” Justin asked. “You act all high and mighty. Claiming that honesty is the foundation of our relationship, and you pull this crap?” Justin walked over to him and got in his face. “What happened to being partners? What happened to talking every single fucking thing through? Where was all that crap you’ve been dishing out to me when you made this decision?”
Spencer felt Justin’s anger boiling over. For the first time in his life, he was afraid of Justin. Justin always flew off the handle when he was this mad. He inherited it from his grandfather and his Latin blood. Anger was the one emotion Justin did the best, better than sadness, concern, or grief.
But he had never been scared of Justin like he was right now. Justin’s anger swir
led around him like a tornado, ready to rip apart whatever, or whoever, was in his path.
“You’re just as guilty as I am about keeping secrets, of telling lies. Hell, you’re better at it than I am. At least you knew about Cyber. I had no clue about London.” Justin turned away and roared in fury. He punched the living room wall, leaving a fist-sized hole in the plaster. The outburst did nothing to quell his rage.
“Have I been chatting with guys on Cyber? Yes. Have I been spending too much time on Cyber? Yes. Am I guilty of all the things you’ve accused me of? Yes!” Justin turned to face him, a mad snarl on his lips. “Have I made plans to abandon my partner for another country? No.”
Spencer swallowed back his tears. He knew what was coming, the final devastating blow, the one thing he never wanted Justin to say or feel.
“If you’re looking for an excuse to leave, you don’t need one. Just go. I won’t stop you.”
Without a word, Spencer walked past Justin and out of the living room, trying to put as much distance between him and the natural disaster that had just ripped through his house and his heart.
CHAPTER 17
2010
JUSTIN sat in silence, listening to Spencer breathe. Since admitting to meeting Dutch on Cyber, he expected an eruption of cataclysmic proportions. After all, his obsession with Cyber was what had sent Spencer packing for London. Had he deleted the app like Spencer wanted, had he focused on Spencer instead of being entranced by the pursuit of other men, they wouldn’t be sitting in his mother’s kitchen trying to piece together what they’d rebuilt a few months ago.
The dead calm, which hung about the air, worried him. Was it a calm before the storm or did it mean Spencer was now indifferent? Had Spencer given up on them?
Or was there something else?
Spencer’s pastel eyes reflected more than sadness, which went deep. Underneath the sadness lurked regret or something closely related to it. Justin could tell by how his eyes not only drooped but by how they peered out of this world and at something far away but not forgotten.
He had seen that regret the night Spencer told him about being HIV positive. While he spoke, Spencer’s body was present but his mind relived the relationship with Mike Lane. When he asked Spencer about what he was feeling, Spencer told him he regretted ever getting involved with Mike and not heeding the concerns of his friends, who had all hated him.
Justin had seen that regret before through the years, but not to the extent he was seeing it now. It was somehow stronger, more powerful than that first night. It swirled like a vortex amidst the sadness.
What did Spencer regret? he wondered. Is he regretting meeting me like he regretted Mike?
Justin didn’t think so. He knew Spencer better than anyone. He regretted not listening to well-meaning friends, not using a condom, not standing up to his father, not granting a colleague tenure, or not telling the truth to a friend who needed to hear it.
His regrets weren’t tied to other people’s actions. His regrets tied to his own.
Then what was he regretting? Was there something Spencer wasn’t telling him?
He couldn’t entertain the idea. Spencer never lied. Although he’d kept the semester in London a secret, he’d ultimately owned up to it. If there was something Spencer was keeping guarded, Spencer would tell him when it was time.
“Why did this have to happen to us?” Spencer asked, his voice calm and distant.
The deadened emotional state frightened Justin. It gnawed away at his insides like an intestinal parasite, working its way through his gut until it hollowed him out completely. If only Spencer would yell or cry, then Justin would know there might still be a chance. That glimmer of hope would be enough to halt the hungry parasite’s progress.
Anger and sadness meant feelings still remained. He could combat anger with love and sadness with even more love. The freeze of indifference was virtually impossible to thaw.
“I don’t know,” he finally said. “If I did, I’d fix it with a wave of my hand.”
“You don’t have super powers,” Spencer replied. “Not even after reading comic books for as long as you have.”
“If that’s all it took, I’d be as strong as Superman, as smart as Batman, and as kick-ass as Wonder Woman by now.”
They both smiled at the attempt to be humorous, but the weight of uncertainty quickly crushed it, leaving their world hushed and still. Becoming stronger, the silence engulfed not only the air around them, threatening to suffocate them, but it seized their hearts, clenching them in its massive fists.
Justin needed to speak, needed to drain the silence from the room and their hearts before the quiet killed any chance of reconciliation. “Is there a chance for us?” Justin asked, fearful of the answer. He played with the edges of the towel, a nervous habit Spencer hated, but he couldn’t help himself. It was the only thing keeping him from completely losing control of his emotions. “Could you perhaps one day forgive me?”
Spencer didn’t answer right away. Most people would take that as a bad sign. Justin knew better. Serious questions required serious thought, according to Spencer’s philosophy. A hasty answer meant he didn’t care. A carefully thought out response meant he did. That offered Justin a small measure of hope.
Still, the sadness weighed heavily in Spencer’s eyes, beating out the swirling pool of regret. They were still pastel green, as if the jade spark within had been siphoned out. His eyes and his appearance, slouched and exhausted, proved he was currently only a pale version of himself.
“I don’t know if I can answer that right now,” Spencer finally said. “I need to process some more. I also have questions I need to ask.”
“If you’re ready to ask, I’m ready to answer,” Justin told him. He sounded more confident than he felt.
“Are you?” Spencer asked. His eyes furrowed.
Justin saw anger rise to the surface, forcing the sadness and regret to the depths below. That was a good sign. It meant he still cared.
Justin nodded.
“You already told me you met Dutch on Cyber, but when did you meet in person?”
This was it. The dreaded questions he’d feared Spencer would ask had begun. If he hoped for a potential future with Spencer, he had no choice but to answer any question asked.
“We met shortly after you left for London.”
Spencer nodded, as if he was expecting that answer.
“How long did the affair last?”
This answer wasn’t going to go over well. If Justin lied now, though, Spencer would sense it. “Till the end of May.”
Spencer didn’t speak for a few minutes. He was having visible difficulty dealing with the answer. Eyes closed in pain, he wrung his hands in his lap. His feet tapped in quick beats on the floor.
His answer meant the affair continued even after Spencer’s return from London. While Spencer was home or at work, he slinked off to meet Dutch for a secret rendezvous, adding lies and deception to the heaping mound of betrayal.
The answer might be more than Spencer could handle, considering his past with Mike and the promise Justin had made not to cheat.
The overwhelming silence in his mother’s house opened its mouth to swallow them whole.
“Did you ever fuck in our house?” Spencer asked, driving away the engulfing silence with his embittered tone of disgust.
“Never,” Justin said quickly. It was the truth. He hoped Spencer could sense that.
Spencer studied Justin, looking for some sign that the answer was a lie. Justin never faltered in his composure or his stare. He met Spencer’s gaze with confidence. Lying now would accomplish nothing.
“I believe you,” he told Justin.
“Good,” Justin said. “Because it’s the truth.”
“Where, then?”
“Dutch’s place.”
“Did it happen often?”
Justin exhaled. Nervousness gripped him tightly. He wanted to be honest, but honesty would not only further hurt Spencer but might
also destroy any chance of reconciliation. Still, he had no other choice but to continue down the path they started.
“For the first few months, yes,” Justin said reluctantly. “When you came back, it wasn’t as frequent.”
“What does that mean?” Spencer asked. His fists were now clenching. “‘As frequent’?”
“I don’t know what to say,” Justin said. “I didn’t keep a tally.”
“Then guess, goddamnit!” Spencer yelled. The suddenness of Spencer’s fury startled Justin and caused him to jump in his seat. The desire for Spencer to express anger, to show there was still hope for them, fled in the face of Spencer’s rage. Looking into Spencer’s eyes, overcome with such powerful wrath, hope seemed lost forever. “How many fucking times do you think the two of you fucked around when I got the fuck back from fucking London?”
Tears welled up in Justin’s eyes. The immense hatred he felt coming from Spencer was unbearable yet justified, so he sucked the tears back into his body. “Maybe once every week,” Justin said; his voice crackled with suppressed sobs.
“So,” Spencer said, drawing out the vowel, “that means you two were humping like rabbits while I was gone. I guess you couldn’t get enough of each other.”
Justin didn’t reply.
“You must’ve spent a lot of time with each other while I was gone,” Spencer said. His tone turned more caustic than battery acid. “Did you even stay in our house while I was gone?”
“Of course I did,” Justin replied. He dreaded the question he knew was next.
“How often did you spend the night at Dutch’s place?”
“I didn’t, at first.”
“That wasn’t my fucking question!” Spencer bellowed, slamming his fist on the kitchen table. His mother’s teddy bear cookie jar rattled in place, and one of her canisters fell over on its side.
“I guess it was a couple of nights a week,” Justin replied. He averted his eyes, using his periphery vision to see Spencer. He couldn’t stand gazing straight into the look of disgust staring back at him.
“Sometimes more?” Spencer asked, leaning forward like a prosecuting attorney going in for the kill.
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