“Spencer found out about us and left you.”
His eyes widened in surprise, caught completely off guard by the accuracy of Dutch’s guess. He found it impossible for Dutch to be able to know that. While they shared a strong connection, it had been months since their link was at its strongest. For Dutch to be able to sense what troubled him was too far-fetched.
He tried to respond, but the only word he could mutter was “How…?”
“I’m just that good,” Dutch said.
For reasons he couldn’t explain, Justin pegged his response as a lie. Dutch knew more than he was letting on. His eyes betrayed him. They glanced away and grew dark whenever he withheld information. It was one of Dutch’s personality quirks. “I don’t buy it,” he told Dutch and moved closer to him to better gauge his facial expressions.
“I’m not asking you to,” Dutch said. “You’re obviously in pain. I think I know you well enough to be able to spot that at ten paces.”
He nodded. They did know each other better than almost anyone else, but he still knew there was more to the story. “But to know with such precision tells me you know more than you’re letting on.” He leaned closer to Dutch, staring straight into his crystal blue eyes. “Spill.”
Dutch’s eyes darted back and forth nervously. They both knew he had been found out. Justin had no idea how Dutch knew but he intended to learn how the information made its way to Dutch’s hospital bed.
Then, as suddenly as his crystal blue eyes darkened with deception, they turned ice cold in anger. “Listen, I’m not the one hiding things,” he said, his tone short and curt. “I was just trying to help. If you don’t want it, that’s fine. You’ve lived without me for almost a year. You don’t need me for jack shit. I get that.”
Justin stepped back. No trace of deceit lingered in Dutch’s eyes. Either it had never been there or Dutch’s ability to lie had improved since they were last together. He felt foolish now for doubting him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply….” His voice trailed off, unable to complete the thought.
Misreading Dutch worried him. Had their link been severed that much?
“Don’t worry about it,” Dutch said. “Am I right, though?”
He nodded. Acknowledging the truth turned his stomach.
“So tell me.”
He sat down at the edge of Dutch’s bed and told his story.
“And where is Spencer now?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. His stomach flopped and twisted, threatening to bring up the pizza he’d just consumed. “I haven’t been able to find him. He turned off his cell. Hasn’t been back to my mom’s or our house.”
He stared into Dutch’s eyes, once again the comforting crystal blue he always wanted to dive into. More than anything else, he longed for Dutch to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything would be okay. But that wasn’t going to happen.
While concern drifted across Dutch’s eyes, Justin mostly saw loss. Dutch understood the pain he felt was for Spencer, not him. Although he still loved Dutch, Spencer was the only concern he had. True, he felt guilty and responsible for Dutch’s condition, and he had every intention of remaining by Dutch’s side until he recuperated, but getting Spencer back was his ultimate goal. Nothing else mattered to him more than that.
Whatever the two of them had, no matter how exceptional, had to be over.
Dutch’s crystal blue eyes turned translucent as he came to the same conclusion.
CHAPTER 28
2009
A CONCLUSION to the vast uncertainties in their lives was what they needed; Dutch knew that. For too long, he had allowed Justin to wallow in indecision, to flounder like a fish at the ocean’s edge unable to fling his body back into the ocean.
They couldn’t live that way anymore. He couldn’t live that way anymore.
Since their first night together almost five months ago, their relationship had grown by leaps and bounds, and in directions he never expected. They’d spent countless days and nights together, getting to know each other in that special way two individuals do when they were building something lasting between each other.
Though they were different in many ways, those differences somehow magically tethered them together like the kiss they'd shared outside Pesca on the River Walk. There was something between them that words lacked the power to explain. All he knew was that in Justin he had found something beyond rare, something that likely only happened once in a lifetime.
Whenever he doubted that, which he did more frequently in the past month, since Spencer’s return from England, he simply remembered how Justin comforted him when his mother died in March. Not once did Justin leave his side. In fact, he accompanied him to Boston for her funeral and stood as his rock amidst the emotional tempest his mother’s death created in his world.
Without Justin, he never would have survived the loss, and though it had happened during such a dark time in his life, it was during his grief that Justin first told him he loved him. Of course, he returned the declaration as soon as the words left Justin’s lips. For Dutch, saying, “I love you” to each other caused the fears he had of Justin leaving him for Spencer to flee from his heart. Justin’s love had occupied the space where the fears and the doubts once resided.
Now, those same fears and doubts had resurfaced like a submarine, breaking through the calm waters of his life with torpedoes armed and ready to fire.
Since Spencer’s return, he and Justin met once or twice a week. A strong connection still existed between them. They felt it whenever they were together, whether in bed or just cuddling on the couch. The connection was as much a part of their bodies as their limbs or their organs.
But the connection was changing.
Justin withdrew, spending less time with him or Spencer. He stayed later at work, throwing himself into one school crisis after another.
At first, Dutch thought it was in response to how busy his own life had gotten recently with work. Even in the midst of their affair, he’d finished his graduate degree in photography. His photographs had even caught the eye of local art patron Sharon Davis, when he displayed at a downtown art gallery.
Justin attended the event to show his support, but stayed in the corners, away from Dutch’s art admirers. He knew Justin was hiding from anyone who might know Spencer, but his presence meant the world to him.
Justin had become his personal muse. Since he gave his heart to Justin, his art had never been more promising. He took greater risks with camera angles and shutter speeds. He played with light and shadows in ways that hadn’t been done before.
He was on an artistic high, and he expected Justin to share in that happiness. Justin, however, became increasingly miserable and retreated to work. Dutch wanted to help, but Justin said he couldn’t talk about it. At least not yet.
So he gave him space. While Justin brooded, Dutch moved forward professionally.
He managed to sell enough of his work to make a modest living, but it wasn’t enough to keep him financially afloat forever. He needed work that would supplement his income without intruding on his pursuits in art.
Luckily, Sharon told him about an adjunct professor position at St. Mary’s University. The private Catholic school was looking to expand its offerings in fine art, and with Sharon as a frequent benefactor to the school, she pushed for a brand new photography program. Sharon knew the dean of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences and put in a good word for him.
After snagging an interview and meeting with the hiring committee, he got the position.
Justin didn’t know about the new job at St. Mary’s. It was one of the many things they would discuss tonight. Being gainfully employed and able to stand on his own financially gave him the strength he needed for this evening—to finally address the pink elephant that continued to take over every aspect of their relationship. Justin needed to quit floundering and choose either him or Spencer.
Tonight, it was time for the conversation.
It was Wednesday evening,
when Spencer had weekly nighttime meetings that lasted until 9:00 p.m. Although Dutch had finally learned that S stood for Spencer, he still didn’t know what type of work Spencer did because Justin preferred to keep Spencer as anonymous as possible. Since Spencer knew nothing about him, Justin thought it only fair that Dutch know nothing about Spencer.
He understood, but only because he didn’t want to know much about the man whose heart would break when Justin hopefully chose him. Not knowing Spencer assuaged a portion of the guilt he felt for the continued affair.
Keys rattled at his front door. Justin was here.
He exhaled, hoping his nerves would flee with his breath. He really needed a cigarette right now, but he gave those up a month ago.
The door swung inward, and Justin entered, his eyes aflame with anger.
“Tell me it’s not true,” Justin bellowed. “Tell me you’re not working at St. Mary’s!”
Surprised by the anger, he took a step back. Not only did he have no idea why Justin was angry but he couldn’t fathom how Justin knew about the job.
Justin’s eyes were as wild as his hair, which looked uncombed and tangled. Since they met, it had grown another three inches and now rested on his shoulders. Tonight, though, Justin’s hair, like a threatened animal’s fur, was raised.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked.
“Just answer the question,” replied Justin. He slammed the door behind him to punctuate his desire for an answer.
“I was going to tell you tonight, but, yes, I’m working at St. Mary’s. I was offered a position as an adjunct instructor in photography. I start teaching this coming fall.”
Justin paced back and forth, his fists clenching at his sides, his posture when facing unbridled anger. Dutch had only seen it once before, when his father called him out of the blue a few months ago, wanting to reconnect with the son he abandoned.
“I thought you’d be happy for me,” he said, aggravated with Justin’s ridiculous behavior.
“You have no idea what you’ve done,” Justin said in a strained whisper.
“What exactly have I done?” He crossed his arms and stood his ground. He had no intention of entertaining Justin’s temper tantrum. If Justin had something on his mind, he needed to man up and express it.
“You met Spencer at the interview.”
He couldn’t believe his ears. There was no way he met Spencer at St. Mary’s. Spencer wasn’t in higher education. “What are you talking about? Isn’t Spencer a businessman?”
Justin laughed. No pleasure came from the sound; it resonated only fury and desperation. “I let you think that because I didn’t want your paths to ever cross. A lot of good that did me.”
Dutch walked over to Justin, who seethed in front of the couch, and placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder. Even though he failed to comprehend Justin’s irrational anger, he wanted to calm Justin down enough so that he could at least be made to understand. But when his fingers gently stroked the nape of his neck, Justin jumped at his touch and walked away.
That had never happened before.
“Spencer was Dr. Harrison at your interview.”
His jaw dropped. Of course he remembered Dr. Harrison. Emerald colored eyes, pale white skin, and sandy-blond hair. His features looked delicate and hard at the same time, like the gem his eyes resembled.
During the interview, he found out how hard Dr. Harrison was. At first, he seemed disinterested in Dutch as a candidate, not really paying attention to the questions asked by the dean or the department chair. It made him incredibly nervous and even a bit pissed off. He didn’t feel as if he was being given a chance.
But after a few minutes, the tough questions began. Evidently, Dr. Harrison didn’t think an untested instructor should be given a brand new art program. His questions probed every weakness imaginable—his unproven record in education, his relatively newness in the discipline, and his lack of sustainable roots in San Antonio.
Luckily, Dutch won him and the committee over with his answers. Dr. Harrison even took him out to lunch a couple of days ago. After lunch, Dutch couldn’t decide if he should tell Justin about the shared meal. Now that he knew Dr. Harrison and Spencer were the same person, he had no plans to reveal what had happened, especially in light of how incensed Justin currently was.
“Well, say something,” Justin said.
“I don’t know what to say,” he replied. He felt as if Justin expected him to fix this situation, as if he were the one who’d made some unforgiveable mistake. He resented being made to feel that way. “It’s a random confluence of events,” he finally said, trying to remain calm and ease his rising anger. They couldn’t afford to both fly off the handle right now. “I didn’t set out to meet Spencer; I had no idea he even worked at St. Mary’s.”
“Well, he does,” Justin fumed. “What are you going to do about it?”
The accusing tone greatly irked him. Apparently, he was being expected to fix this. “What do you mean by that?” he asked, meeting Justin’s steely gaze with his own.
“You can’t still be thinking of taking the job? Of working on the same campus as Spencer?”
Dutch exhaled, trying to blow out his lit fuse. He couldn’t believe Justin was so selfish as to think that he should sacrifice needed income just to stay out of Spencer’s path. “I need the job,” he finally said, when he felt calm enough to speak. “You know I do.”
“Apply elsewhere,” Justin ordered. “If you got this job, you could get another.” Justin walked over to where he stood. His eyes filled with hope because he expected Dutch to seriously consider an alternative.
He wanted to tell Justin to quit acting like a child, to grow up and deal with the consequences of actions he’d set into motion. Instead, he simply shook his head. “I can’t take that chance. I got this job because of Sharon. She knows the dean. I might not get so lucky on another campus.”
He figured the logic of the argument would be enough to end the discussion, so they could deal with the true heart of the matter. Instead, the hope in Justin’s eyes turned to desperation. “You can’t do this to us,” Justin told him. “To me.”
“You did this to yourself,” Dutch replied. He could hold back his anger no longer. “You were the one who needed the secrecy. If you told me, from the very beginning, where Spencer worked, I might not have ever considered applying for the job. But you didn’t and I did.”
He knew his eyes were more than likely ice cold at the moment. From past boyfriends he had learned that when he got angry, all warmth drained from his eyes. He’d never intended to look upon Justin that way, but he had been provoked. Besides, it was past time for him to stand his ground. Justin needed to realize the world didn’t revolve around him or his wants. Other people mattered too. “I’m not going back on the offer,” he said sternly, to prove that there would be no further debate on the subject.
“I can’t have you both working so closely together,” Justin said. “Not while I’m seeing both of you. Not while I’m still trying to decide.”
At last, Dutch realized the root of Justin’s anger. He wasn’t angry that Dutch and Spencer were working at the same university. He was ticked off because he felt as if he was being forced into a decision, and Justin hated to be forced into anything.
“I know how much you hate being forced to do something,” he said. “But it’s time to make a choice. You have to decide. I can’t go on living like this and neither can you.”
Justin grew tense as he walked over and slowly lowered himself onto the couch.
“You’ve changed over the past few weeks. You’ve become more isolated, spending more time at work than with either Spencer or me. This indecision is eating you alive, and it has to stop.”
Justin fidgeted on the edge of the couch. “You’re right.”
He expected to be relieved when he heard Justin say those words, but the timbre of Justin’s voice told him the decision had been made before he even got here.
“I haven�
�t known what to do,” Justin began. He rubbed his nose, something he did whenever he was about to say something unpleasant. “I truly love both of you, and you’re right, it’s been tearing me up inside. I’ve committed myself to two wonderful men, and I can’t find a solution that would be easy for everyone.”
“This was never going to be easy for anyone,” he said, while putting on his poker face. He knew exactly where this was headed. This was Justin’s good-bye speech.
“I know,” Justin said. He looked up at Dutch, his eyes reflecting the shattered pieces of his soul. “I finally realized that. I knew I had to make a decision. I just didn’t know which one to make. But tonight, when Spencer told me about the new photography adjunct he helped hire, I just knew it was you. I knew it before he told me your name; it was like magic. And the only thought that crossed my mind was how Spencer could never find out.”
Dutch made sure his face showed no emotion. He imagined himself made of steel; it was what he needed to survive being dumped by a man he loved more than anyone else.
“If my first thought was Spencer, then that means I’ve made my choice,” Justin said. “I have to stay with him. And only him.”
Dutch forced a smile. Even though he knew it might always end this way, he’d always secretly hoped Justin would choose him. He didn’t want Justin to see that, though.
When Justin entered his life, they were both vulnerable and weak. He wanted to be strong and self-assured when Justin exited, to prove that he had grown, that he would be fine, even though he only felt dead on the inside.
Justin stood from the couch and walked over to stand in front of him.
His arms were still crossed, and he lacked the strength to move them. If he did, he might lose all of his resolve.
Justin stared at him, his eyes asking for some kind of response.
He wanted to yell and throw things. He wanted to curse Justin for breaking his heart. He wanted to make Justin hurt.
But that would give Justin too much power. Justin had taken too much from him already. He wasn’t going to hand over his self-respect or his dignity the same way he’d foolishly offered his heart.
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