Dutch’s continued delight in Justin’s news lifted a major weight from his shoulders, the guilt he carried for coming between them. In Justin and Spencer’s potentially revitalized romance, he felt renewed himself, as if the man he had become for those few, dark months had finally been shed.
For too long, he’d concerned himself with only his pain, never once seeing the truth of the situation. Justin had been the villain, the scoundrel who stole Dutch’s heart and self-esteem, causing him to drown his pain in alcohol and anonymous sexual encounters.
Now, it was all too clear. This situation didn’t have villains. It wasn’t black and white like he once thought. Justin wasn’t the vile, unrepentant criminal any more than he was the completely guiltless victim who was set upon by someone too crafty to be denied.
Justin couldn’t be faulted for decisions Dutch had made. He’d entered into their relationship knowing his heart had a good chance of being ripped to shreds. He’d had many opportunities to opt out of the potential heartache. He never took that option.
Besides, Justin’s love for him wasn’t a lie. He knew that now. Especially now. Not only had Justin moved in with him, but he’d never once acted resentful of being asked to help Dutch recuperate. Only someone with true love in his heart did that.
Still, he realized, perhaps for the first time, Justin’s love for him wasn’t the only pan on the fire. Justin truly loved him as much as he loved Spencer. He just hadn’t known what to do with those feelings. Dutch truly understood that now.
His refusal to do so had been his undoing. His descent began there, clinging to a small pinprick of hope that Justin would choose only him, when that was a choice completely beyond Justin’s abilities. That baseless hope was responsible for the damage he’d ultimately inflicted onto his body and professional career.
Dutch was responsible for the shithole his life had become, and he was the one who had begun to turn it around. But he hadn’t done it alone. Justin and Spencer were both there for him, and he loved them both for that.
Perhaps in that love the three of them somehow shared, there was a potential for something greater than even they realized. Maybe they weren’t seeing the forest for the trees, as his father often said. They were too busy trying to find answers to questions asked of traditional relationships, when their relationship was anything but traditional.
Dutch felt as if he was onto something, a track of thinking that could truly bring all the pain and misery to an end, but he couldn’t go there. Yet. Problems still existed between Justin and Spencer. They needed to be fixed first, and he would do whatever it took to help that along.
“Why so quiet?” Justin asked. “Are you angry?”
“Nope,” he answered. In fact, he couldn’t have felt better. There was something great for them out there. He felt it. The three of them just had to find it. Together. “I’m just really excited for you. I want the lunch to go well. For both your sakes.”
Justin exhaled. “I can’t believe how well you’re taking this. I thought you might be….”
“Jealous?” he asked, completing Justin’s thought.
Justin laughed. “Well, yeah.”
“Well, I’m not,” he replied, and he wasn’t lying. In order for them to find true happiness, Justin and Spencer had to find their way back to each other again. Once that happened, anything was possible.
“Thanks, Dutch,” Justin said. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“It means a lot to me too,” he admitted. “Happiness is all I’ve ever wanted for you. And for me.”
He smiled at Justin, and it felt good. For too long, his smile had hid his true emotions—pain, anger, and resentment. This smile possessed none of those old emotions. The darkness was simply gone. He wasn’t sure when the murky shadows of discontent had dissipated, and he didn’t care. He liked how being happy made him feel.
He never wanted to be the awful man he’d turned into before his accident. That man was vile and self-destructive. That man had nothing to live for. The man he was now didn’t live in darkness. He now embraced the light and promised never to stand in the darkness again.
CHAPTER 38
2009
DUTCH stood in line behind a seventy-year-old polar bear, who kept turning around and winking at him. Being hit on by an old geezer wasn’t helping his mood.
It was Thanksgiving, and he was alone. A plane ticket home was too expensive for him, and he couldn’t ask his sister to fork over the money for it. As the sole breadwinner in her family while her husband completed his prison sentence, she lacked the funds as well.
He had to face the family holiday alone.
At first, it didn’t bother him. But as the holiday grew closer and thoughts of Justin and Spencer spending the holiday together in marital bliss filled his mind, the darkness within him grew to immense proportions.
Had Justin been true to the love he professed to have for Dutch a few months ago, they would be spending the holiday together. Dutch would be preparing a turkey in the house they shared together, stealing kisses while chopping vegetables and drinking wine. In the background, music would play on the computer, maybe some soothing guitar instrumental.
Instead, he stood behind an old man at The Club, one of San Antonio’s gay bath houses, waiting his turn to pay the entrance fee in order to get to fuck the holiday away. It was pathetic, and he knew it. But there was nowhere else for him to go, nothing else for him to do.
Drinking half a bottle of vodka had done nothing to dull his pain or quiet the angry voices that told him to drive over to Justin and Spencer’s house and reveal all. To both of them. When he grabbed his keys and left his driveway, that was where he’d intended to go.
He ended up here instead.
“Welcome to The Club, gorgeous,” the fat, effeminate man behind the glassed-in counter told him. The man held his hand up and waved. When he did so, his short-sleeve button-down shirt lifted and revealed the enormous white belly the fabric struggled to contain. Dutch wanted to vomit. “You want a locker or a room?”
“Locker,” Dutch replied while shoving his money and driver’s license underneath the glass partition. He hoped his gruff attitude would be interpreted as he meant it. He had no intention to engage in idle chatter.
The fat man’s right hand, which had gaudy rings on each finger, picked up the driver’s license and looked at his picture. “Aren’t you a big one, Lukas?” he asked, while biting on his plump left pinky finger. The move was meant to be seductive. It was more horrifying than anything else. “You’re going to be quite popular in there.”
Dutch made no reply. Instead, he looked past the fat man into the hallway beyond. Numerous men, dressed only in white towels cinched at the waist, walked to and fro, searching for someone to fuck or someone to fuck them.
A buzzer sounded as the door to his left opened. Fatty McFatass must have finally gotten the point and simply proceeded in processing the transaction. Dutch walked through the open door and turned left, where Fatty waited at a small, barred window. He pushed a white towel and a key attached to an armband underneath the five-inch space between the bars and the wooden counter. “You’re in locker thirty-two,” the man said and then turned to greet the next guest.
Dutch took the towel and the key. He eyed a box to his left, generously filled with an assortment of condoms, and walked past it in search of his locker.
Locker thirty-two was a few rows from the front door. He opened his locker and quickly disrobed. Naked, he felt free, less encumbered by the gloom, which previously swirled within and about him. Now his body felt alive and fully charged, causing his cock to grow semi-hard in anticipation of the evening’s festivities.
By the time he closed the locker and draped the towel around his naked body, he turned to find the hallway filled with men leering at him. Their desperate eyes told him they each wanted to be his first for the night and would let him do whatever he wanted to them.
He strutted toward the gathered crowd
, avoiding eye contact with all of them and trying not think about how the sticky floor pulled on the soles of his feet as he walked. He imagined he was walking over spilled Coke, but his mind knew better. It begged for him to leave this place, to go home and sleep off the buzz, which still distorted his vision.
He had no intention of leaving until he filled at least half a dozen holes with his spunk. Once that was accomplished, then he would contemplate departing. But until then, he was a man on a mission.
As Dutch made his way through the gathered admirers, who had watched him undress, a few pinched his ass or made a grab for his cock, trying to entice him into a fuck right there in the hall, but none of them made the cut. His blank stare told them to back off, and they did.
Beyond the crowd and down the shadowed hallway, Dutch entered a dark room filled with bunk beds. Several of the beds were occupied. Men moaned while others loudly slurped a cock down their eager throats. All were hidden in the shadows. Only their darkened outlines were visible against the light from the television room next door, which played porn nonstop.
Dutch walked through the television room, where the polar bear who stood in front of him in line busily feasted on the cock of an obese man who resembled Jabba the Hutt. Jabba sat back and watched the porno while his cock was being serviced. Dutch exited the porno room through the far right door just as Jabba exploded inside the thirsty old man’s mouth.
The porno room led to a maze. This room was better lit than the bunk room but not as bright as the television room. In here, he could actually see the faces of the men who passed him.
Some of the men in here had potential. There was a Latino in a jockstrap, which accentuated his perfect ass and attempted to restrain a raging boner. Jockstrap even licked his lips as Dutch walked by. There was also a thin white boy who massaged his crotch for Dutch before turning a corner. Both of them appealed to him a great deal, and he contemplated following one, or both of them, but he wasn’t ready to settle on one yet. He had to do a lap around the building, see what this place had to offer before he picked the one who would ultimately receive his first load of the night.
So far, the maze looked to be the best of the rooms he had seen. Glory holes were everywhere, and there were many benches and corners where good fucks could be had. If he didn’t find a better room than this, he would return to the maze and make his choice.
Once out of the maze, he headed down another hallway, which was lined with rooms. Many of the doors were closed. Behind them, he could hear men begging to be fucked harder or grunting as they fucked themselves to orgasm. Bodies thumped against walls almost in tune to the music, which was pumped through the speakers mounted in the corners.
He found it amusing that Britney Spears sang about three-ways as he progressed down the hallway. No doubt some of the closed doors held more than just two men pounding away at each other.
Before he exited the hallway, he passed a section of rooms where the doors stood open. Some of the men stroked their dicks while staring at passersby, waving their cocks in invitation to a private party. Others lay on their stomachs, waiting for the next customer to come in, close the door, and make a deposit in their ass.
He turned left and proceeded down another dimly lit passageway with even more rooms lining the hall. At the end of the corridor was a dark room, where many men entered and exited. Curious, he crossed the pitch-black threshold of the room, where not a centimeter of space was illuminated.
The room smelled like Clorox and ass. Obviously, the attendants doused the room with copious amounts of Clorox in vain attempts at sanitizing the area and eliminating the odors of excessive butt-fucking.
Undeterred by the stench, Dutch walked farther into the room. His feet sloshed through body fluids spilled upon the floor. Normally, he would find the sensation disgusting. For some reason, the squish of spooge between his toes made him hard.
It felt taboo, vile. His soul and flesh were soiled by simply standing in this room, where men fucked other men they couldn’t see.
The darkness within the room called to him, beckoning him farther inside. It encircled him, and in its embrace, he felt a kinship, as if they were long-lost brothers separated at birth and kept apart by a cruel and sadistic world.
With arms open wide, he inhaled the darkness, filling his lungs full with the polluted air. The foulness coursed through his body, setting free the inhibitions that wrestled within the constraints of his conscious mind.
Now freed, they sought release.
He reached out into the darkness and found a hand. He grasped onto it, pulling it to him. A body, small yet sturdy, rested against him. Dutch released his towel, which fell into the darkness below, and he quickly removed the towel of the body next to him.
Within minutes, his tongue was exploring the mouth of the man in the dark. The kisses were bitter and dry, as if the stranger had been feasting on cock for hours. Turned on by the filthiness of the stranger, Dutch ran his hands over the man’s flesh, delighting in the feel of sinew. Further still his hand descended, until it found a rigid cock. He grasped it tightly, jerking it rudely up and down.
The man in his arms whimpered, thrusting his tongue farther inside Dutch’s mouth. His hands kneaded Dutch’s back muscles, traveling southward to clench his ass. The man’s hand moved to his front and found his dick. He turned around in Dutch’s arms, resting his bare ass against Dutch’s cock. He bucked backward, and in one steady motion, Dutch’s cock filled the man’s already well-lubricated hole.
He pummeled the man’s ass, eliciting screams of pain mixed with pleasure that echoed off the walls. As he slid in and out, Dutch closed his eyes, concentrating on the pleasure extending from the tip to the base of his cock.
As he fucked away, he opened his eyes to find that the darkness had parted. The man he fucked became Justin. Justin looked over his shoulder, begging him to fuck harder. He did. As he worked on the ass like a piston, Justin told him he loved him, how much he missed him. How he was a fool for ever leaving him.
“Damn straight,” Dutch muttered, driving his tool deeper within Justin’s folds, carving out a place inside that belonged only to him. Justin screamed for more, telling him to make it hurt, to make it last forever.
Justin reached toward the floor, giving Dutch better access to his ass. He needed no further invitation and slammed away even harder. His cock turned to steel as his hairy balls slammed against Justin’s smooth ass. Justin’s hole clenched down upon his erection like a vise. He was in danger of cumming much too soon.
He wanted to grant Justin’s request. He wanted their union to last forever, so he slowed down his thrusts, barely inching in and out of Justin, who yelled for more and whose appetite was more insatiable than ever.
“Fill me up,” Justin pleaded over and over again. “Fill my ass with your baby batter.”
Justin slammed his ass backward, fucking himself on Dutch’s cock. Dutch released his grip on Justin’s waist and let Justin continue to rear backward. As he righted himself, a new pair of hands caressed his chest, pinching his nipples and sliding through his thick coat of hair.
A hard cock rested against his ass. It slipped between Dutch’s cheeks, inching ever closer to his hole.
Dutch turned sideways and saw Spencer. He grabbed Spencer by the neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss. While they kissed, Spencer’s cock rubbed against his manhole, threatening to push the folds aside and enter him while Justin continued to ram his ass onto Dutch’s cock.
He spat on his hand and reached for Spencer’s thick cock. Grabbing it by the base, he coated Spencer’s rod with his spit and then rubbed the remainder onto his asshole. He guided Spencer to his hungry center and held him there. He took a deep breath, loosening his ass muscles, and allowed Spencer through the portal.
Spencer felt so good inside him that he imagined he was flying instead of fucking. Being with Justin had always made him feel loved and special, but now having Spencer plugged into him while he was inside Justin made him
feel complete.
Justin whimpered in front of him as Dutch resumed his previous speed. Spencer moaned behind him as he drove his cock in and out of Dutch. Caught in-between, Dutch grunted. His body more alive now than it had been in too many months. Never before had he been happier than he was at this moment.
Sweat dripped off his body in rivulets. It fell onto Justin’s back while Spencer drenched Dutch from behind with his own. The three of them were working themselves into a fuck frenzy that was nearing release. Spencer’s cock grew rock hard inside him. His cock throbbed angrily inside Justin, and Justin’s hole spasmed uncontrollably around his dick.
With one final thrust, their bodies exploded. As he shot his load up Justin’s chute, Dutch felt Spencer’s cock pulsate within him, filling him with seed. Justin shouted as he pumped out his own jizz onto the floor.
“Man, that was hot,” panted the voice behind him.
Dutch looked around but could see nothing. Sometime during his mind-blowing orgasm, the darkness had returned. Spencer and Justin were no longer there, replaced by shadows moving about the inky void.
“You fuck good,” said an exhausted voice from the darkness in front of him.
Dutch didn’t reply. He simply stood there in shock while his hands inspected his body. His cock felt raw and slick. His asshole was wet and sloppy.
He couldn’t believe he just bottomed in a dark room for a stranger, someone who he would never be able to pick out of a lineup. He had topped many asses, bareback, in the past few months, most of whom he didn’t remember either.
This was different, though. Unsafe sex as a top was risky enough. Fucking bareback as the bottom and having someone’s spunk in your ass made it even deadlier.
Is this what I’ve been reduced to? he wondered. Fucking raw in a bathhouse in a dark room? Is this what I’ve become?
The answer was a resounding yes. His life was now worse that shit. It had become so bad that he longed for the days when it was simply just shit. Not only was he still in love with Justin, but now there was Spencer.
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