Thinking Betty was having a breakdown, I glanced at Ruby.
“She’s warming up,” she said.
“Red leather, yellow leather. High roller, low roller, lower roller.” Betty took a swig of coffee, gargled, and cleared her throat. “Ready now.” She dialed, then hummed a catchy little tune as she waited.
“What’s that song?” I asked.
Ruby grimaced. “The Doublemint Gum” commercial song from way back when I was a teenager. Now it’s going to be stuck in my head all day.”
I whispered to Betty, “Put the call on speaker.”
She nodded, then held up a hand to shush us. “Howdy. I’m callin’ from Clunker Carnival caw dealership. May I spake to Nina Lowen, pelayze?”
Donna: “Mrs. Lowen is napping and cannot come to the phone.”
Betty: “Ah’m sorry. But it’s imperative thet I spake to her. Would yawl be so kind as to wake her up?”
Donna: “Give me a message, and I will make sure she gets it.”
Betty: “Is yawl the housekeeper?” Improv Betty was already off-script.
Donna (sounding snippy): “No. I’m her niece, and I take care of her. Anything you need to say to my aunt can be said to me. I’m her legal guardian.”
I clapped my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming, What a damned liar!
Betty: “All righty then. I’m pleased to be the bearer of some exciting news. Nina Lowen has won a brand new previously owned caw in our annual caw give-a-way contest. She sent in her entry three months ago, and we drew her name tuhday. Isn’t that wonderful?”
Donna (sounding excited): “Really? What kind of car?”
Betty widened her eyes at me, and I whispered, “A BMW SUV.” I figured that would really get Donna going since she’s been driving Nina’s 1996 rusty Subaru Outback.
Betty: “Hold on to yer hat, honey. It’s a one-year-old BMW SUV valued at $85,000. Only five thousand miles on it. Premium leather interior with all the bells and whistles yawl can imagine.”
Donna (squealing now): “Are you kidding? $85,000?”
Betty: “Thets raht, sweetheart. But there’s gist one little old hiccup. The caw must bay claimed tuhday, or we will draw a new winner. Now do yawl wanna wake up your auntie?”
Donna: “I can’t. She’s very old and weak and sick. I know! Since I’m her legal guardian, I can claim the car for her!”
Betty: “Hold on a little minute. Ah need to run thet by mah boss.”
She put the call on hold and bobbed her head as she hummed the Jeopardy tune three times. Ruby and I nearly giggled our heads off.
Betty: “Hi. Ah’m back. Ah hope Ah didn’t keep yawl waitin’ too long. Mah boss said that would be fine as long as yawl git here within the hour. Please bring your driver’s license and your aunt’s, too.”
At this point, Betty was totally off-script. “That’s so we can make sure you’re who yawl say you are. It’s not that way don’t trust yawl—it’s gist a legal formality, yawl understand? Please bring your checkbook cuz there is a small title transfer fee. And make sure yawl got your lipstick on, hon, cuz there will be a news reporter coverin’ the event.”
Donna (sounding giddy): “Of course, I understand. I’m on my way right now.”
Betty: “We’ll be preppin’ the caw for transfer when yawl git here, so git yourself some complimentary cotton candy an’ stroll around the carnival area. We’ll come git yawl when we’re ready. Bye-bye now.”
Donna: “Wait! Hold on! How will yawl, I mean you, know me?”
Betty (with a chuckle): “Well, that’s easy, hon. Yawl will be the happiest lookin’ gal on the lot.”
Betty set her phone on the table with a triumphant look as Ruby and I applauded her performance. “How’d I do?”
“If I could, I’d give you an Oscar,” I said.
“Gwad I couwd be of assistance.”
I clapped my hands. “Elmer Fudd!”
“That was fun,” said Ruby. “Now it’s time for the next phase of this con.”
We hid behind the tall evergreen bushes bordering the former Miller property waiting for Donna to leave. Betty leaned out to sneak a peek, and Ruby yanked her back. “Geez, Louise. If she sees us, we’re toast!”
“Shh! The door’s opening.” Through the leaves, I spied Donna, all gussied up and practically skipping down the steps, looking giddy. Halfway through the yard, she tripped and did a nose dive into a dirt pile.
She rolled around in the dirt, screeching a vast array of expletives, trying to get to her feet.
“Oh, crap,” I muttered. “What if she can’t get up?” It was hard not to run over and help her.
Donna finally got to her feet. Her legs, arms, face, and pink muumuu were filthy. She checked her watch and realized she didn’t have time to clean up. After another colorful round of cussing and a quick brush-off, she stomped to the car, climbed in, and slammed the door.
When the Subaru was out of sight, we scurried to the dog door.
I got down on all fours, ready to enter, and Baby Girl poked her head out the flap and licked my face. “Yes, I’m happy to see you, too.”
“Wait a minute,” said Ruby. “Someone needs to stand guard out front. Betty? It has to be you. Donna would recognize me.”
Betty was on her way to the front yard when she stopped. “We need a signal. You know, in case she returns while Katy is still in the house.”
“Good idea,” said Ruby. “How about hooting like an owl?”
“Too soft. You might not hear me. How about a crow? CAW! CAW!” Just as she “cawed,” a crow squawked a response in a pine tree next door.
“Ladies!” I said. “We’re losing precious time. How about if Betty sees Donna driving down the street, she yells, ‘She’s back!’ Then Betty can walk away as if she were strolling through the neighborhood.”
“Works for me,” said Betty.
“What about you, Katy?” asked Ruby. “You might not hear her.”
“Shout at me through the dog door, then run for it. I’ll sneak out of the yard as soon as I can.”
“You know what happens when I run,” said Ruby. “Or sneeze, or—”
“I don’t think it will come to that. We should have plenty of time to check on Nina and be out of here long before Donna returns. I’m going in now. Wish me luck.”
The Craftsman fireplace had been demolished, along with the mahogany built-in bookcases on either side. The half-wall of shelves topped with stained glass that had divided the living room and dining room was gone, too. I knew it was going to happen, but seeing the end result literally made me feel sick to my stomach. Most of the furniture had been removed—no doubt to the Salvation Army or the dump. Even the gorgeous antique Persian rug that had to be worth a fortune was gone. All that remained was the green couch, the coffee table, and a brown leather recliner with a Tiffany lamp on a side table next to it, topped with a pile of Milky Way candy wrappers, a plate with a few chips on it, a Coke can, and a People magazine.
I entered the first bedroom in the hallway. Silk scarves draped the lamps, and in the corner sat a gaudy dog bed mini-throne: red velvet and gold trim. It had to be new because she couldn’t have brought it from Ketchikan. On the bedside table lay a dog-eared Rosemary Rogers bodice-ripper paperback.
The next door down the hall was closed. Holding my breath, I opened it. In the dim light filtering through the closed curtains, I saw Nina in the bed, the covers up to her chin.
“Nina?” then louder, “Nina?” She didn’t respond. With trepidation, I placed a finger on her neck feeling for a pulse.
“Is she dead?”
I screamed and spun around. My scream made her scream, too. “You scared the heck out of me!”
“You scared me, too!” said Ruby. “Thank God, I always wear a sneeze guard.”
“What are you doing in here?”
“Making sure you’re safe.”
“What if Donna comes back? You won’t hear Betty.”
“Trust me. We’ll hear
Betty. She’s not known for being subtle.” Ruby edged me aside to inspect Nina. “She looks so peaceful.”
At that moment, Nina snorted, rolled over, and released a long toot.
“She’s definitely alive!” I said. “Thank goodness.”
Her glasses were on the nightstand, along with a glass of water, a box of tissues, soda crackers on a dish, peppermint lifesavers, and a half-empty bottle of extra-strength SleepWell nighttime liquid cold and flu medicine.
“What’re you thinking?” asked Ruby.
“I’m thinking maybe I let my dislike for Donna cloud my judgment. She seems okay, right?”
“I wouldn’t call sleeping all the time okay.” She picked up the purple cold medicine. “No doubt this has something to do with it.” She shook her head. “However, I think we’re at a dead end here. Nina doesn’t appear to be in immediate danger, and you have gone above and beyond for her.” She set the medicine on the night stand. “I don’t think there’s anything more you can do, short of kidnapping her.” She saw the scheming expression on my face. “Don’t even think about it. I’m too old to go to prison.”
“I doubt we’d go to prison for taking her to my house. She could sleep off the cold medicine and then tell us what she wants to do.”
“What about Donna?”
“We’ll leave her a note,” I said.
Ruby shook her head. “And then she’d know we’d been in the house, and she’d call the cops. Next thing you know, we’re doing hard time.”
I blew out a sigh. “Damn it. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Ca-CAW! Ca-CAW!”
“Is that Betty?” I said.
“Yup.” She took my hand. “Time to skedaddle.”
“I thought we weren’t doing the crow thing.”
Ruby shook her head. “Trust me. It’s Betty. And that means the bitch is back.”
“That was fast,” I said. “I wonder what happened.”
We dashed through the house to the dog door. Ruby wriggled through first, then Baby Girl shoved in front of me and joined her outside. As I was crawling through, the hem of my gauze cotton top snagged on a screw.
“Hurry!” said Ruby.
“I’m stuck! Save yourself! Go!”
She got down on her knees. “I’m not leaving without you.” She reached in, yanking the shirt. The fabric ripped.
“Crap! This is my favorite top.”
“I’ll buy you a new one.” Ruby tugged hard. “I can’t get it undone. You need to take it off.”
“How am I going to do that? I’m kinda stuck here!”
“CA-CAAAW! CA-CAAAAAW!”
“See if you can back up and pull it over your head,” said Ruby. “Hurry!”
I squirmed my way backwards into the living room, keeping my arms stretched out in front of me as the shirt slid over my head. I wriggled free, and Ruby gave it a Herculean yank, ripping the shirt off the screw, along with toppling the entire dog door insert out of the slider frame. Ruby tumbled backwards onto her rear as it crashed to the dirt outside. I stepped through the opening just as Donna inserted her key into the front door.
Ruby held out her hands. “Help me up.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes! Just get me up!”
She groaned as I hauled her to her feet, but seemed all right. Holding hands, we fled the scene.
A few seconds later, Donna screamed, “WHAT THE HELL? You BAD, BAD dog.”
I stopped on the side of the house to look through the side window of the dining room. Donna was holding a big cone of pink cotton candy and glaring at the broken dog door.
“As if I haven’t had a bad enough day already—getting bamboozled by a crank call that made me look like a fool. Someone must’ve got a good laugh at my expense. That door cost me 150 bucks, you damned dog!” She put the cotton candy on the plate on the lamp table, grabbed the People magazine, rolled it into a bat, and swatted the innocent dog several times. “Stupid, bad dog!”
Without thinking, I turned to go back. Ruby grabbed my arm, whispering, “There’s nothing you can do. Come on.”
I slipped into my tattered shirt and we hurried home.
In the kitchen I said, “I know it’s a tad early, but I could use a glass of wine. Who’s with me?”
My partners in crime raised their hands, shouting, “Me!” While I poured us jittery ladies all a hefty glass, Ruby told Betty what happened in Nina’s house.
After chugging half a glass, I announced, “Ladies? Nina appears to be all right, more or less. The truth we must face is we can’t do a thing about her dismal situation. I must admit, I feel like a failure.”
“Honey, don’t beat yourself up,” said Betty. “You’ve gone above and beyond what most people would do.”
“That’s right,” said Ruby. “You accomplished the mission. You got in the house and found Nina—alive and well.” She shrugged. “She’s alive anyway, and looked okay. That has to be comforting to you.”
“Thank you both for your help. It means a lot to me.” I sighed. “But your attempts to make me feel better are not working. We may not be able to help Nina, but, there is someone we can save.”
“Do you have another neighbor in distress?” asked Betty. “If so, count me in.”
I nodded. “Yes. Baby Girl.”
Ruby looked dumbfounded. “You can’t stand that dog.”
“It’s her name I can’t stand. I’ve never met a dog I didn’t like, or cat, or horse, or bird, or any other animal for that matter.” I snapped my fingers. “Oh, wait. That’s not true. I’ve met plenty of people I didn’t like.”
“Amen to that,” said Ruby. “Count me in!”
“Girl power!” said Betty, wagging her empty goblet at me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Monday • June 29
Posted by Katy McKenna
There’s another project underway at the Miller house. I should quit calling it the “Miller house,” since they’re long gone. Solar panels now line the roof facing the street. And they’re planting panels on half of the front lawn, too. Our homes sit on quarter-acre lots, so needless to say, the big panels look ridiculous in the smallish front yard.
I approached the man who looked in charge. “Hi there. I’m wondering about something.”
He turned to me, and I realized it was the same guy who’d supervised the wind generators on the roof. Today, Mel wore a dark green cap with a “Polar-Solar” logo.
“Patsy! Good to see you again. Have you given any thought to installing a wind generator?”
He caught me off-guard for a second. I’d forgotten I’d fibbed about my name the other day. “Not really.” I pointed at the panels. “Is it legal to have solar panels sitting in the yard?”
“There’s no law that says you can’t. Pretty soon, he’ll be generating enough power to supply the entire block.”
“Is he home now? I should introduce myself. I don’t even know his name.”
“His name is Simon Prichard. He’s some kind of reclusive computer guru and prefers not to be disturbed. If I have questions, I just call or text him. For all I know, he could be on the other side of the planet.”
“I’ll ring the doorbell. Who knows, maybe he’ll answer.”
“Suit yourself.” Mel’s attention was diverted to a panel swinging from a crane. “Hey! Watch what you’re doing! Someone could get killed.”
I decided to go home and read rather than risk getting decapitated at the “Prichard house.”
The Kupcake Kaper
Chapter 16
“A penny for your thoughts,” said Larry to Patsy in the bakery kitchen.
The cute, curvy woman set her latest cupcake creation on a plate and sipped her steamy coffee, eyeing her husband over the rim and thinking, I know what you’ve been doing. I hate you, and I wish you were dead.
Larry set his hands on her hips, pulling her close, grinding his aroused man parts into her, and inquired, “Why so quiet, baby?”
“I’m just think
ing about what a very lucky girl I am to be married to such a swell guy like you. That’s what Shawna always tells me. She says she is so jealous of me.” Yeah. Shawna. My so-called best friend and your shag buddy.
With satisfaction, she felt his boner instantly collapse.
Larry’s smile grew wider as he backed away. “Oh? She said that? What else did she say?”
“She said I should watch out because one of these days, someone might steal you away from me.”
His smile froze and he asked, “She did?”
“She sure did. But don’t let it go to your head. You know what lousy taste she has in men. One loser after another.” Patsy picked up the cupcake and smeared the creamy frosting across Larry’s thin lips and bristly mustache. “Take a bite. It’s a new recipe.”
He chewed with a perplexed expression. “That’s, uh, really different.”
Patsy stiffened and frowned. “Oh? You don’t like it?”
Larry plucked the cupcake from her fingers. “No, no. It’s just, uh, very unique.” He finished half the cupcake. “I can’t quite put my finger on it.” He nodded, looking at the cake. “Chocolate, but what else?”
“Curry. And the salted caramel cream cheese frosting has hot curry and ginger in it. Pretty crazy, huh?” said Patsy.
“Crazy good!” He exclaimed as he popped the rest in his mouth. “But, it might be a little too sophisticated for our customers.”
“Shawna really loved them.”
“She was here?” Larry swallowed, and his protruding Adam’s apple bobbed up and down in his long skinny neck.
“A little while ago. She loved the cupcake so much, she ate two. I asked her to have dinner with us, but she had to scurry. You know what? She hasn’t had dinner with us in a very long time. I wonder why.”
Patsy watched her husband’s guilty face flush, and then she held out another cupcake.
He shook his head. “Oh, I don’t want to take the last one. You eat it.”
“Nope, this one’s got your name on it. I have another batch in the oven.” She peered at her watch. “They should be done now.”
While She Slumbered: The Murder Blog Mysteries #5 Page 11
