by Dakota West
She walked a long way, and the whole time, she was intently aware of the two bears following her, Jasper and Craig. Like her twin shadows, except every time she stopped, they came up and nuzzled her, somehow encouraging her to go on.
Olivia knew without having to think that she was walking home, toward her parents’ house, and she had an easy time simply shutting her human brain off and only taking in stimuli: the wind in the trees, the rustle of leaves, the damp smell of the forest, the sound and scent of the two bears behind her.
At last, she came through the trees at the bottom of a hill to the back of a house. Her house, the windows still alight upstairs, the curtains shut.
Olivia sat on her hind legs and looked at it, then laid down, her head on her paws.
Jasper and Craig nuzzled her again, but she was already home. That had been the easy part.
Shifting back was harder. It wouldn’t be as hard as the first time she’d done it, when it had taken her most of a week, but it wouldn’t be easy.
She glanced back at the woods, where she could go and have less problems. Different problems, anyway.
Then, Jasper shifted. Olivia took a step back. She’d never really liked interacting with humans when she was shifted. She always felt huge and dangerous, like at any moment she might lose the very last scrap of the human inside her and just go completely berserk.
Jasper reached out and put one of her massive paws in his hands. Even though he was huge, way over six feet tall, his hands were dwarfed by hers.
A slight whoosh, and then Craig was there, holding her massive side close, stroking both her ears.
“Come on, Olivia,” he murmured. “What you’re doing is harder than anything most people have ever tried. Sometimes you’re gonna stumble. It’s okay.”
A vague, hazy memory of very much wanting to kill someone — Buck, she was certain it had been Buck — then stopping herself and running away.
Jasper raised her vast, furry paw to his lips and kissed it.
Olivia realized that they weren’t afraid of her. It would have been easy to split them both in two, ripping out all their organs, before they had a chance to shift themselves, but they trusted her.
She took a deep breath, reached down inside to her very core, and pushed.
After a few moments, just when she was afraid that it wouldn’t work, she felt the first ripple, and then another and another and then the head rush that was shrinking back to human size.
She felt the cold on her skin and the itch that meant her fur was going away. She was on her knees on the cold grass, both men still around her.
Olivia opened her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she said right away.
Jasper just shook his head.
“Don’t be sorry,” he said.
“Thanks for bringing me home even though I freaked out and tried to murder someone.”
Craig laughed softly, then moved one hand to her shoulder. Olivia felt her whole body warm up, just a little as a tingle ran through her.
You did want to see them naked, she reminded herself. Though not like this.
Frankly, her fantasy had had more romantic candles and less cold grass.
“If you’d tried to murder someone, they’d be dead,” he said. “You didn’t hurt a soul.”
Olivia just sighed, feeling the tears starting to prick her eyes.
“I didn’t even mean to do it,” she said. “It’s just — I smelled Buck, and then wham. I couldn’t control myself. It just blindsided me.”
Craig and Jasper exchanged a look.
“Who’s Buck?” asked Jasper.
“He’s a wolf,” Olivia said. “He’s in charge at the Red Sky ranch, he owns it or manages it or something.”
She swallowed, still looking down at the grass, naked and on her knees.
“He’s one of the betas, I think? That’s how the wolf packs work, right?”
Jasper nodded.
“More or less,” he said.
Craig shrugged.
“I might have killed two of his pack members,” Olivia said. She said the words in a rush, afraid that if she didn’t just get them all out at once, they’d stick in her mouth and choke her.
There was no way that these guys would still be interested after they found that out, but she had to say it.
“And in retaliation, Buck locked me in a cage in the barn for a couple days. Maybe a week, I don’t know.”
Instead of letting her go and backing away, Jasper just frowned. Not great, but not the worst reaction.
“Buck Reynolds?” he asked.
Olivia shrugged. “I didn’t ask to see his ID or anything.”
That got a smile out of Craig.
“He’s trouble,” Jasper said. “He’s been very quietly trying to build an anti-human movement and secede.”
Olivia frowned. “He already lives in Cascadia.”
“From the United States,” Jasper said. “I don’t think he’s getting anywhere with it, but he’s always doing dumb shit like refusing to pay income taxes, getting into it with the IRS, and then asking my dad to intervene on his behalf.”
“Does your dad do it?”
Jasper snorted. “No.”
Olivia was starting to wonder if they’d heard her confession about possibly killing two wolves. They hadn’t reacted at all, which was weird, especially since some people in town would cross the street to avoid walking near her.
“Well, I think he put me in a cage because I might have killed two of his wolves,” she said, trying to get a reaction out of them this time.
Craig scooted closer to her, wrapping one thick, muscled arm around her frame.
“No one worth a damn thinks you did it,” he told her. “The wolves have always been volatile and territorial, and honestly, they probably tried to attack a real grizzly who they thought was one of us. They’re also not very smart.”
Olivia swallowed and nodded. She wasn’t that sure either.
In the house, the upstairs lights went off, leaving the three of them in deep darkness. Olivia could feel the body heat of the two men next to her, and it stirred something inside her — something that half-pleased and half frightened her.
What about right here, she wondered. We could be quiet. I probably wouldn’t freak out and shift.
Probably.
Trying to act casual, she slid one arm around Jasper in the dark, biting her lip as she felt the ripple of muscles underneath his skin. He yielded to her touch in a way she couldn’t explain, but he came closer to her until she could feel the warmth of his skin without touching him.
Her other hand was on Craig’s leg, slowly making its way up toward his hip.
Olivia’s heart was beating so fast and loud that she was absolutely positive that they could hear it, but she felt powerless to stop herself. For ten years she hadn’t touched anyone, and for the past three months it had all been chaste hugs from family, or Charlie stroking her hair in the bathtub: nice, but nothing like this.
This made her feel like her center was made of molten lava, like she might explode at any moment.
She put a hand on Jasper’s face. Even inches away, she could barely see him as he covered her hand with his.
“You should probably go inside,” he said.
Next to him, Craig nodded in agreement.
“Do you want me to go inside?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“No,” Craig said. His voice was rough, and he had a hand around her back now. The three of them formed a triangle.
Olivia leaned forward the last two inches, closing the gap between her and Jasper, and kissed him.
At first, her lips were tentative, nervous. She had no idea whether she was doing it right, or if the two men even wanted her to do what she was doing. After all, the last time she’d kissed a boy she’d been sixteen, and he’d ended up dumping her for a human.
But then Jasper kissed back, his firm, hard lips gentle with an undercurrent of fierce longing. Olivia felt
the barely-controlled fire there, and somehow, she knew that what he really wanted was to push her into the grass and press his body against hers.
Just the thought made her burn even hotter.
She swiped her tongue along Jasper’s lip but he pulled away from her, leaving Olivia blinking in confusion. But before she could process what was happening, Craig was turning her face, pressing his lips to hers, his beard tickling her face.
He pressed harder against her, his need more obvious, and when he bit Olivia’s lip gently she opened her mouth, their tongues sliding together like snakes.
When they pulled apart, Olivia’s chest was heaving, her entire body hot.
“You should go,” Jasper murmured.
“Are you afraid of me?” she asked.
The lights at the kitchen, in the back of the house flicked on, and she could see someone moving behind the curtains.
“No,” he said. “I’m afraid of me.”
“Why?”
“You make me feel like I can’t control myself.”
“So don’t control yourself.”
“Let us take you on a real date,” Craig interrupted. “You deserve that.”
I deserve to be pushed onto the grass with both of you at once, she thought. I deserve to kiss one of you while the other one makes me scream until I forget my name.
She blushed at the thought, glad for the dark.
“L’Aubergine,” Jasper said. “It’s a fancy French place, over in Old Pine. We’ll pick you up tomorrow at six thirty.”
Olivia swallowed. Less people would know who she was there.
“Okay,” she said. “If I can’t convince you to stay right now.”
“Run while you still can,” Craig growled, only half-teasing.
Equal parts buoyed and disappointed, Olivia stood and walked toward the sliding doors of her parents’ patio, preparing to explain what had happened to the three of them.
When she turned around, she couldn’t see Jasper and Craig anymore, but she knew they were there, waiting for her to get inside safely. She slid the door open as quietly as she could, but the moment she shut it, she heard her mother coming downstairs.
“Thank God,” she said, running across the room to hug her daughter. “Oh, thank God, you’re home, thank God, Austin called me the moment it happened and he’s organized everyone he knows into search parties all over Cascadia,” she went on.
Normally, Olivia would have been mortified, but part of her was still back in the grass with Craig and Jasper.
“Go to bed, you look terrible,” her mom said. “Austin and I will call off the search parties.”
“Thanks,” Olivia said.
I wish I could stop inconveniencing everyone I know, she thought.
Olivia slept for almost twelve hours, until nearly noon. After the sun came up she was vaguely aware of her mom, her dad, and her papa opening her bedroom door just a crack to check on her, but she dozed off again before she could do or say anything.
When she woke up, she realized that her knees and hands were still dirty. She’d gone straight to bed without brushing her teeth.
It was a bad habit to get into — her therapist was always telling her that keeping even the little human rituals would make her feel more human — but she’d promised herself that she’d only do it once. It was a good thing, too, because her mouth tasted like a sewer.
She pulled on pajamas, went to the bathroom, walked out of her room and into the kitchen. It was Sunday, so the library was closed and she didn’t have work. Mom was already in the kitchen.
Olivia watched as she got onto a step ladder and took ceramic figurines down from where they usually stayed on top of the cabinets, and dunked them into soapy water in the sink.
Her stomach tightened. A deep cleaning of the kitchen only ever meant one thing: her mom was upset about something.
“Good morning,” she said, tentatively.
Is it because I slept in? She wondered, feeling self-conscious about her pajamas. I was really, really tired.
Her mother looked over her shoulder, sighed, and spoke.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” she said.
“Sorry I slept in so late,” she said.
“It’s okay,” said her mother, wiping her hands on a dish towel. She walked over to Olivia and gave her daughter a hug. “I’m just glad you’re back safe.”
“What’s wrong?” Olivia asked, hugging her mom back.
Instead of answering, her mom squeezed a little tighter, then released her.
“It’s in the paper, honey,” her mom said, her hands still squeezing Olivia’s upper arms.
No.
Please no.
Olivia swallowed and felt the tears rising into her eyes, despite herself.
“Where?” she whispered.
Her mom just guided her to the kitchen table, where the newspaper lay in half disarray. She could still read the headline perfectly well, though:
FERAL BEAR ATTACKS; RUNS
Olivia dropped into the chair, staring at the headline.
Below it was a picture of Buck, posing on his ranch, next to her high school senior portrait, taken only a few months before she’d gone feral.
“That’s not what happened,” she said. “I didn’t attack. I didn’t hurt anybody, I just charged but then I stopped myself.”
Her breathing got faster, and she could almost hear herself getting hysterical.
“I didn’t hurt anybody,” she repeated again.
“I know,” her mom said, bending down and holding her daughter in her arms. “I know, I know.”
“Being feral was so much easier,” said Olivia.
Now she was full-on crying, right on the edge of huge, heaving sobs.
“Don’t say that,” her mom said.
“It was,” Olivia said. “I just had to eat berries and bugs and shit, nobody was all concerned about how I acted every day, and I didn’t have to remember how to make small talk or buy cardigans because that’s what it seems like librarians should wear.”
“But I missed you so much,” her mom whispered. “Papa and Dad and Kade missed you, too. We thought you were gone forever, but then you came back.”
She paused. Olivia sobbed, the words on the page blurring in front of her.
“Don’t make us do that again,” her mom said. “I don’t know if we’ll make it.”
Something in the way she said that made Olivia’s heart freeze. Her parents had been her rock all through this, accepting her and loving her no matter how weird or feral or crazy she seemed.
You can’t do this to them again, thought Olivia.
“Okay,” she said.
“The rest of the article is just people calling for you to be properly examined and maybe locked up, and I quote, ‘for your own good’,” her mom said bitterly. “It won’t come to anything. That asshole who locked you in his barn is just mad that you got out and now he wants to ruin your life.”
“I wish I knew why,” Olivia said, sniffling.
“He hates bears is all,” her mother said. “Buck Reynolds has always been and will always be a racist, self-important asshole who thinks that he shits gold and nobody else is worth half a nickel,” her mother said, furiously.
The blue language alone made Olivia drop her mouth open in surprise.
“I’m sorry about the swearing, but it’s true,” her mom said, returning to the sink and washing furiously. “Everyone knows that he wants to have some kind of wolf-only paradise, and if he can somehow get a feral bear — that’s you — into a bushel of trouble then maybe he’ll get his wish. I still can’t believe they didn’t prosecute him for kidnapping.”
“It’s not illegal to trap a bear on your own property,” Olivia said, tired of this discussion. “He got fined, and they couldn’t prove that he knew I was... me.”
“He knew,” her mom said. “That son of a bitch knew. Sorry.”
For a long time, the only sound in the kitchen was the sounding of water, then the car
eful, light clink of ceramic figures stacking together in the dish drain.
“I have a date tonight,” Olivia said. She could feel herself blush, even though she was twenty-seven and more than old enough.
Her mom turned around, yellow rubber gloves dripping onto the floor.
“With who?” she said. Olivia could see her fighting not to scream and clap and possibly even cry. Now that Kade had his full triad — something their mother had given up on — it was Olivia’s turn.
She was sure that her mom was already naming her grandchildren.
“Their names are Craig and Jasper,” she said. “They live in Old Pine. They’re taking me for fancy French food at L’Aubergine.”
Her mom’s face registered delight, then alarm, then determination.
“What time are they picking you up?” she asked.
“Six thirty, why?”
Her mother took the gloves off and hung them over the sink, then crossed the kitchen without saying a word.
Olivia watched her, puzzled. Her mom picked up the phone and started dialing.
“Who are you calling?” she asked.
“Quinn, and then Cora.”
“You don’t have to tell everyone I have a date,” Olivia said, starting to panic.
Her mom just pointed at her, phone to her ear.
“That place is fancy, and you need something to wear,” she said. “Hi, Quinn? What are you doing this afternoon?”
Chapter Eight
Craig
“I don’t have anything but plaid,” Craig said, scowling at his half of the closet. He stood in front of it wearing an undershirt and boxer briefs.
“Bullshit,” said Jasper. “You wore a dress shirt one to that fundraising dinner two months ago. Where is it?”
“Fell into a sinkhole?” asked Craig.
Behind them, Ninety Nine lounged on the floor of their bedroom, watching them as though they were entertainment.
He sneaked a glance at Jasper’s half of the closet, which was considerably neater than his. Not catalog neat — Craig didn’t think he could live with that — but Jasper never seemed to have a problem with finding things to wear to any sort of occasion.
