by Abra Ebner
Sam looked over his shoulder at me, narrowing his eyes.
“Shut up,” I spat with sudden fervor, sensing his need to express his disdain, yet again.
As much as I tried to keep my thoughts from him, at times it was still difficult, especially when I was daydreaming. You can’t control the natural flow of thought; they’re like trying to capture the wind, possible, but hard. It did have its advantages though and I knew that the one way to get back at Sam was to fill my thoughts with Scott and Sarah, the very humans he seemed to despise with such profound hate.
“If you hate them so much, then you don’t have to come. And actually, I think I’d prefer if you didn’t, you’re nothing but an embarrassment anyways, and the fact that you look dead could really reep people out.” I pressed my nose into the air and crossed my arms with stubborn independence.
He laughed, “Sorry sugar can’t do that, I have to come. It’s my job.” I saw the troublemaker in him rising.
I growled at him. “I hate you Sam.”
He chuckled, “I know, but that’s not really my problem, blame your little lover boy.”
A sudden scream rose in my lungs and I let it out, shaking with anger and hate, but he didn’t even wince. “Just go away!”
He shrugged and left the room, my bitter hatred refusing to muster as much as a frown from him.
My face was burning hot as I looked toward the heavens, cursing Edgar for binding Sam to me for all eternity. This was without a doubt some sadistic trick he had planned. But then again, I doubt he had planned on dying.
I threw myself onto the couch and glared at the painting. The warm book sat next to me and I placed my hand on the cover and allowed the feeling to calm my fury. I needed to find that cat, more than all else. I just knew there was something there, something it possessed that would help lead me forward, and to Edgar.
There was also the daunting matter of Edgar’s room, which I figured would house the largest jackpot of information. Though it was hard, my mind longed to know what it was like. I hated the unknown, but at the same time, the mystery of it spit satisfying gallons of adrenaline through my blood. I was addicted to the thrill, heart and soul.
Another wise plan was to go back down to the college, and not just to see Sarah and Scott, but also break into his lab. I figured by now they’d probably gotten a new professor, but what had they done with his things? It made sense that Edgar would have planned for something like this, and would have never allowed a human to stumble upon his life and learn about our secret world in such a careless manner.
If I were to suddenly re-appear on the campus, however, I would need a plan. Perhaps I would tell them that Edgar and I had run off to be married, but then he’d died in a horrible car accident and so I was here to collect his belongings. I pondered over the idea, finding it had serious holes, but it would have to do. I laughed to myself, wondering what everyone would think of the scandal, especially Nurse Dee.
A strange feeling of liberation overcame me and my heart filled with warmth and purpose. Whining and pouting was not getting me anywhere and I felt exonerated that I now had a plan, a solution. There had to be a way to find Edgar, even in death. After all, Sam was dead, but he could still be here amongst us and this fact gave me hope. Whether I believed in ghosts, the afterlife, reincarnation, or not, this world had rendered me surprised too many times to count, and I was hoping it still had surprises left that could help save me.
It was hard to feel so level minded about someone I still felt I barely knew. Though our life together was impossibly long, my mind only granted me the real experience of those few cherished months. I brought my hand to my neck, remembering how it felt when Edgar had touched me. The way his breath would trace my skin had been intoxicating and sweet, and the way his body felt against mine was now no more than a distant tickle. The electricity of our connection was undeniable, pre-determined, but still so sweet, and so real.
I longed to learn more about Edgar. Build the memory of him in my mind until it was so rich, that I could almost will him to be here. His face was still fresh on my conscience, and looking at his resemblance in the painting granted me the ability of seeing his face every day, reminding me of my goals, and purpose. There were no other pictures of him anywhere in the house so this was my only reference, and to my deep regret, it included Matthew.
Despite my goals, there were other things that needed to be done as well. For one, I needed to learn how to fly again. If I could only remember what it felt like, I was certain I could accomplish the feat. Edgar had told me to imagine being weightless like a feather on the wind. So every night, as I lay on the couch trying to drown out the annoying humming noises Sam made in his attempt to pretend to be sleeping, I imagined myself floating like a weightless cloud above the earth, like Edgar had done with so little effort.
Sam would be helpful in this, though I was uncertain how long I would be able to handle his sarcasm while he taught me. Despite my utter hatred for him, he was my friend, and a part of me had to love him for that, no matter what. At the end of the day, I was at least relived that I wasn’t alone, and in this, I felt that I could survive the time and handle the sadness I now endured.
The couch engulfed me as I pulled the warm book into my lap, coddling it as though it were a teddy bear. Exhaustion overtook my limbs like a black wave of darkness as I filed my list of things to do away in my head and rested against the arm of the couch, the leather yawning painfully under my weight. I breathed in until no more breath could fill my lungs, the rich smell of the pillows laced with the sweet smell of honey, of Edgar. I stifled back my tears, telling myself that there would be no more. It was time to be strong, and my turn to suffer as he had for me for so long.
PLEASE FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
“Just don’t get fresh with me, got it?” I placed my hands on Sam’s as he gripped me under my ribcage, his body close at my back, poised to lift us into the air.
“Aw,” Sam wined, “That’s no fun. You don’t like being groped by an angel?”
I tried to pinch his hand as hard as I could but he laughed at my feeble attempt, “You wish.”
A chuckle gathered in the back of his throat. “You bet ya,” his voice was filled with false pretenses and sarcasm.
I knew he didn’t posses the heart for those kinds of thoughts, but still, he liked to push the envelope on my level of privacy. He always snuck into the sitting room while I was trying to dress. I knew he felt nothing, but he enjoyed the entertaining way it made me squeal when he caught me off guard. It was clear I needed to suck up my pride and move back into my room at this point, but flight came first on my list of priorities.
“Ok Sam, I’m ready.” I exhaled and clenched my fists into a tight and determined ball.
I felt him squeeze my sides a little harder as he crouched closer to the ground, his giant wings spread out around us, fanning the air with little effort and somehow finding loft. I had flown with him before, but this time I had something to concentrate on. The ground below me began to melt away as we lifted skyward and my feet left the earth. As we rounded into the warm air, Sam twisted us to the left as we flew straight up, my gaze looking skyward, envisioning it as though it were me alone, and Sam had not been here helping.
Closing my eyes, the wind whipped through my hair as we began flying forward. My body still felt heavy in his grasp and I struggled to obtain mental weightlessness. I wriggled in his grasp as I felt his grip tighten and he began to dive back down to the earth. This wasn’t working, and there was no way I could feel weightless when it was so obvious I wasn’t. Sam was scanning my thoughts. He knew what I was struggling with and he felt it was time to regroup, and try it from another angle.
He hovered like a hummingbird above the meadow before setting us both down. He was full of surprising elegance and it always caught me off guard as my feet would touch the grass, as though it hadn’t been expected. Everything was blooming around us and I remembered how much I had loved the outdoors. Sam r
eleased his grip and I rubbed my ribs as I tried to warm them back up after his icy touch.
“So what am I doing wrong?” I turned to face him.
His wings were poised behind him in a gentle stretch, “You’re thinking like a human. I keep hearing a small voice in your head saying that it’s wrong for you to be up there and it’s against nature to fly.”
I nodded in compliance, “Yeah I know, it’s just so hard to deny my upbringing. I feel like a kid raised by wolves, I just can’t act and think the way I should.” I kicked the grass before me as it tried to reach up toward my legs.
“Yeah well, stop acting like a vile human then,” he smirked, seeing the opportunity to make fun of me.
“They’re not vile Sam, you were one once too,” I crossed my arms and turned my back to him.
“Thank goodness I’m not anymore,” he snorted.
I exhaled as I tried to control my nerves and prevent a fight. I was in no mood to get into another human vs. immortal debate. My arms were crossed against my chest so tight that my arms began to sweat. The sweet welcoming wind blew across us as we stood in the field all alone. I felt the anger in me subside as I scanned the trees, listening to their soft rustle. There had to be some sort of repressed memory for this, some sort of trigger that could make me remember my former life.
There was no doubt at this point that I was immortal, and that I could fly. I rolled my eyes and looked down at my feet, tapping my fingers against my side and chewing on my lip. A sudden and vindictive idea crossed my mind and I whipped around to face Sam, the brilliance of it igniting my senses. His face was already contorted into a pained look of caution and I glared, defying his instinct to protect me.
“Oh come on Sam, I think it’s the best way.” In two brisk steps I closed the distance between us as I walked toward him.
He was shaking his head in a way that told me he would comply, but would not assist me in any way. His eyes sparkled as the sun reflected like water off his cold skin, “You’ve lost your mind, that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.” He put his arms up in the air in a defensive manner.
“No, come on. You know it’s a good idea, besides, you could save me if you had to.” My lips curled at the edges.
He snorted, “I can’t believe you’re considering jumping off the cliff Elle. Think about what you’re doing for a moment, it’s insane! I doubt you’re in the right state of mind,” he turned away from me, not willing to give me any hope or support.
“Sam,” I said his name as though trying to beg money from him.
He tilted his head back and turned to face me, his face twisted. “I mean, I was told you were stubborn, but not insane.”
I glowered at him as I pushed past his shoulder and walked in brisk steps in the direction of the waterfall where I had first met Sam, though I hadn’t known it at the time. He followed like a dark cloud behind me and I smiled, satisfied by the fact that I had forced him into helping me.
“If you die, at least I won’t have to protect you anymore, so I guess that’s the upside.” He chuckled as his feet lacerated the grass, leaving an obvious trail of our existence behind him.
“If I die, I won’t have to listen to you anymore either, so it’s a win-win for the both of us,” I retorted. “You know as well as I that throwing myself off a cliff will stir up the memory of flight in a purely instinctual way. It’s an ingenious and sane idea, admit it.” I looked over my shoulder at him.
Sam shrugged, “Whatever, I still think you’re a suicidal idiot.” He lifted his eyebrows as he tried to portray my irrationality.
Grumbling, I picked up my pace as we walked into the trees. My stride was much faster than it had been while I was a depressed lethargic human, and the hour or so it had taken me to get to the cliff the first time, was easily covered in thirty minutes.
“Still thinking this was a good idea?” Sam asked as we stood with our toes just over the edge of the cliff. I used to fear heights, but now it made sense not to. Sam was my inevitable safety net, like wearing a harness or bungee cord.
I looked over the edge to where the water crashed into the lake, erupting upward toward us and spraying across our faces. The mist nearly froze as it touched Sam’s skin, dripping in icicles from his elbows. I sighed, the drop was about fifteen hundred feet, easily, and I was content that it was perfect.
“It’s a great idea,” I finally replied, struggling to thwart the shaking tone to my voice. My heart was racing and I knew Sam could hear it. He eyed me with a knowing glare as he leaned over the edge, making a plan in his head to save me if he had to. The waterfall to my left gorged over the rocks, the rushing sound so loud that I found we’d been yelling over the sound.
Sam smirked at me as he put one hand on my back and nudged me forward in his attempt to jostle me, only to catch me with his other hand before I fell. My heart leapt into my throat and I tried to scream through my choked lungs. He began rolling with laughter, pointing at me in a mocking manner.
“I just wanted you to get the full effect,” he yelled, his face contorted into a smug mask and his laughter choking in his throat.
“I hate you Sam. That’s not funny.” I narrowed my eyes at him, angry that I had let him get away with it. Though that second had struck terror through my soul, it had also readied me.
I looked over the edge as he continued to laugh. I tried not to think as I let my body lean forward and I leapt with all my strength, watching with sick fascination as Sam’s laugh turned to one of sudden fear and protective duty. The smirk I had shot back at him as I began to fall from the rocks melted away as I grasped the reality of what I was doing.
Struggling to concentrate, I closed my eyes as tight as I could, forgetting my fears and focusing on my duty. I thought about the absence of earth below me as I tried to forget the fact that I was falling, possibly to my death. This suicidal attempt was a confirmation of my determination in this life, my determination to become one step closer to Edgar. I breathed in smooth waves, struggling not to think about the fact that I had only seconds to make this work.
The wind was whipping around my arms as I held them out to my sides like wings. I had never felt a feeling like this in my life, and though I only had moments to enjoy it, I could not deny the utter release. All my fears melted away and I found it was easier than ever to concentrate as the rush focused me.
My mind now found immense clarity, as though preparing itself for the sweet release of death. My eyes refused to open and I furled my brow in deeper concentration, feeling a spark of something rise in my soul like a bright light coming from a distant memory. I concentrated on the light, watching as the rays began to spark around the edges, growing brighter.
Like a sudden wave, my body became weightless and I felt the corners of my mouth curl into a smile. As I moved my arms I found that the air around me felt thick, as though it were water and I could swim through it. A forgotten instinct urged me to move and like a baby in a pool, I began to stroke my arms, amazed by the way they seemed to push through the thick air, now something I felt I could grasp.
The sensation of falling that I had felt before had completely left me and my nervous stomach now felt as though I were atop the seas, bobbing on the waves as my gut rose and fell, controlling the breath in my lungs as I inhaled and exhaled in measured waves. Slow, but with intrigued interest, I opened my eyes. To my surprise, I was far over the lake, and no longer falling. I shot my gaze to the left where they met Sam’s amazed face as he flew along beside me.
The look in his eyes was priceless, like a tricked dog, and I took a moment to absorb my sweet victory before my gaze fell to the undeniable appearance of my now winged arms and feathered body. I gasped, realizing I had actually done it and I was finally a raven.
The marvel of the crisp white feathers in the sun was unlike anything I had ever seen, even whiter than Isabelle and even sharper then Henry’s. In my mind I felt myself smiling, despite the fact that I could now feel that my mouth had been replaced by a sh
arp uncomfortable beak.
“Wow!” I tried to yell to Sam, but instead I heard a sharp “caw,” and I was taken back, remembering the fact that I could not speak.
Sam laughed. “Yeah that was funny,” he yelled back.
Oh shut up, I thought in my mind. Luckily for me he could read that, and I had to admit, it did make things easy.
Sam smiled, “This is crazy. I never knew you were white. I was sort of expecting black like Edgar,” he yelled.
Yeah well, white is more feminine. I winked at him and he smirked.
It was surprising how easy flying seemed, just like riding a bike. I began to test my skills as I shifted my winged rudders, tilting my body from one side to the next as I zig-zagged through the air. The thick texture felt comforting, and somehow obvious to my now enlightened memory. I had never expected it would feel so natural, so easy.
I thought about the day when the orphanage had visited the Seattle aquarium and we all got to learn how to scuba dive. It felt just like that, except free of the heavy equipment and mask. Taking a deep breath, I noted how clear the air was at this altitude, and how refreshing it suddenly seemed as though it had been untouched. For a moment I could understand why it was Sam felt the way he did toward humans, and I could see why he didn’t want to allow this world to be destroyed.
By now we were already over the glacier on the other side of the lake from the college. I banked to the right as I twisted around the peak, remembering how I had longed to do this, wondered what it would have been like as I had stood oblivious to the notion in hatchery class. I felt the wind pick me up and toss me to the left with a sharp pitch. At first I tried to fight it out of fear, but I soon found that I could manipulate myself to benefit from its strong current.
