by Abra Ebner
We glided in silence over the expanse of forest that separated my home from the College, the air changing from warm to hot depending on the various atmospheric pockets we whipped through. As the trees thinned I could just make out the few log structures that were scattered below, standing solid on the bank of the milky blue lake.
My heart raced as we approached, finding that the trip was a lot shorter than I had expected. The advantage of taking the time to hike here on foot was that I would have had more time to think. Even if it was a mere thirty minutes at my heightened pace, it was still time to prepare. Sam just rejected any form of human activity, no matter what the reason and it had foiled my detailed plans.
Sam banked hard into the forest surrounding the school, landing in a thick grove of trees and ferns that shielded us from any curious gazes. He touched down on the forest floor with a soft touch, as though being lowered from a wire. His grip relaxed and I set my feet on the soft mossy ground, no trail in sight.
“You could have at least set me somewhere where I could actually walk my way out,” I grumbled under my breath, straightening my shirt back over my jeans and warming the skin where Sam had held me.
He took a deep dramatic breath and I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing he used the simple unnecessary act of breathing as a precursor to a horrid comment. “Just think about what you’re doing Elly, Edgar is dead, you won’t get him back. Even if you could, you really shouldn’t be thinking that way. Always expect the worst from life.”
I looked at him in disgust, “Sam, if you have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for. Then why is life even worth living?”
His eyes glimmered with a melancholy sadness and his mouth fell into a straight line, “I was just saying there are things to hope for. I just think they should be more realistic things, tangible things.”
He was getting at something, but I didn’t quite understand what that was. I couldn’t imagine that he’d have the gall to tell me to move on, and to whom? I was suddenly curious just what it was that he hoped for and what had kept him going for so long.
As far as I could tell, he had nothing other than the simple task of protecting me. But then I often wondered what his end of the bargain was? What had Edgar said to make him take this task? Surely there was something, some reward when it’s all over. Surely he won’t have to serve as an angel forever, hating the life I led, hating everything.
Sam’s mouth curled at the corners and I glared at his obvious acknowledgement of my thoughts. If there was one thing I was looking forward to with Scott and Sarah, it was that they respected the privacy of my mind.
“I’ll be waiting here when you’re done.” Sam retracted the full length of his wings into his back and folded his arms across his chest, hunkering down for the boring wait.
“Thanks Sam, I won’t be long,” I gently squeezed his shoulder before I turned and walked down the hill through the heavy brush, my eyes focusing on every possible obstruction that could make me trip and give Sam the gratification of laughing at me.
As the woods began to thin I was able to locate myself within the complex layout of buildings that began to appear before me. I was entering from the east side, through the cluster of greenhouses. As I passed the glowing green buildings I peered through the wavy glass, noticing how the plants there seemed unfazed by my presence, unable to smell or feel me through their thick confines. I dropped down onto the path as the grasses around it reached toward me, almost in a way that seemed like they were welcoming me back.
There were no students anywhere in sight and I looked to the sky in an attempt to judge time. The sun was about three quarters of the way through its cycle and I deduced that classes must already be over for the day. I slowed on the path, realizing how horrible a friend I’d really been, I didn’t even know where Scott or Sarah had lived in my short time here.
I pursed my lips, feeling suddenly frustrated. Tapping my fingers against my hips as I thought, I finally remembered that I had at least known where the infirmary was. The intoxicating hospitality of Miss Dee could help out in this type of situation. I always pictured her to have a detailed chart of every student in her need to create order.
My pace picked up then, the path now dropping down through the grass toward the lower buildings. Ducking into the walkway that was shielded by the overhanging roofs of the buildings on either side, I noticed how the sound seemed to change, my footsteps now echoing off the wood siding that surrounded me.
It was a strange sensation to hear the echo of my own footsteps. Ever since last fall, when I had moved out here to the large expanse of silence, I had forgotten what it was like to hear myself walk. I had been so used to the reverberation of the city that the sudden expanse of silence had shocked me. In Seattle, it seemed as though I was so caged, so bottled between the looming buildings and hard concrete where no sound could ever be absorbed by the soft earth, constantly rumbling in your head like a painful reminder of your infinitesimal existence in this life.
It was true what Sam had said about the humans destroying what beauty there was left in this world and I now found myself coveting the tree huggers and animal activists of this race. Saving the beauty in this world was something I had taken for granted in my selfish need to find myself. Now it was evident that things needed to change, and the mysteries of the world returned so they can breed life amongst the gloom.
Scott and Sarah were not vile humans, but the last of their kind that still understood what it meant to value life, and the true privileges they have been given. They were aware of themselves and their world, aware of the footprints they left and the power they had to change it. Sam was right to hate the other humans, the selfish murderers, and greedy corporate presidents, all here to exploit what the earth freely gave to all human kind.
I exhaled as I shook my head, realizing such thoughts were overshadowing my reasons for being here. It was time to focus on the task at hand, to be the Elle everyone here remembered, invisible and strange. My feet crunched against the gravel until at last I reached the familiar red door with the small white cross painted in the middle. I knocked once, listening as the singing voice of my past reverberated through the heavy steel.
“Come in!”
I pushed down on the handle as I took a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever outcome was ahead.
As the outside light flooded the dim space, Miss Dee turned in her chair. Her body was plumper than it had been the year before and I giggled to myself, remembering the doughnuts Scott and Sarah had always stolen from her. You would think that with her doughnuts always running off, she would have lost the weight, but this was clearly not the case.
“Oh Miss!” she cried. I saw the recognition of my face flood her beady eyes, her cheeks flushing like a thanksgiving turkey.
“Hi!” I sang back to her, the strange feeling of true happiness irking my memory. It had never occurred to me until now that it had always been a battle to smile in my time here, both mentally and physically. Every day in this past life of darkness had been such a battle, such a fight to live.
“Oh my, it’s like seeing a ghost dear! What brings you back? Has another session with Professor Edgar gone bad?” A vindictive chuckle rumbled in her chest as she thought to herself, “Here to settle a score now are we?”
I cringed at her reference to Edgar. “Oh…” I paused to gather my thoughts, “Well I’m just back for a visit, came to see Scott you know… Nothing quite that dramatic.”
She chuckled, “Oh you fox! I always knew you and Scott had a thing for each other. But I should warn you, I believe he’s seeing someone, and actually I think he’s engaged.” She pursed her lips in a half smile, mocking me with her loving thoughts. “Sarah I believe her name was.” Her brows were fixed in a painful manner, her half moon glasses teetering on the end of her nose as she chewed on her nails, still perplexed.
I quickly rolled my eyes as she looked away. Scott was engaged? I grunted, well that was fast. But I suppose someone like him
has to lock it down before the girl realizes how useless he really is, not to mention how inherently clumsy.
“Oh yeah I knew that, that’s why I came, to congratulate them on their engagement of course!” I was laying the cheeriness on like cold peanut butter, playing the part of a caring friend.
She pressed her chin into the heavy roll of fat on her neck, her face now engulfed in its mass. “Oh aren’t you the thoughtful one.” She coated her remark with a swift wink.
I stifled back the vomit that was welling in my throat. Being this upbeat was exhausting, not to mention a full time freak show. “I was just curious, if you knew where they had perhaps moved to?”
She smiled as she turned back to her desk, pulling a huge pink ledger out of the drawer and slapping it down with a heavy crack, her feeble desk shaking under the thunderous weight. I flinched, unable to stop myself. The cover of the ledger was adorned with purple hearts and swirls and I stifled a laugh, finding my notions about the detailed list confirmed. She flipped it open and trailed one plump finger down the page, mumbling Scott’s name under her breath as though she may forget.
“Oh!” she jumped and I lurched back, my body readying itself for attack out of pure instinct, “Here it is! Yes, yes, cabin twelve.”
I snorted, “Cabin twelve?”
Miss Dee turned and gave me a grave nod, “I suppose they swooped it right out from under you!”
A sweet smile ached its way across my cheeks as I turned to leave, my mind now unable to handle another moment in her intoxicating presence, “Well thanks Miss Dee, I’ll be sure to visit again!” And with that I made a mental note to avoid the entire vicinity.
“Oh that would be lovely miss.” She pressed her brows together and brought her finger to her chin in thought, “Let me just say, you look different, more grown up or something.”
I chuckled under my breath, “Well it has been a whole year, and you know how we young adults grow, like weeds,” I hissed for dramatic effect, playing on the fact of my magical talents.
She nodded, her face still twisted in thought, “Hmm. Well did you ever find out about your arm? It still perplexes me, I have never had someone heal quite that fast.” She was trying to make the conversation linger but it only irritated me further.
I turned and twisted back toward her, knowing there was at least one thing that could easily distract her from her prying question, “Oh Miss Dee, let me have just one last hug before I go. It’s just so nice to see you.” I smiled big.
She popped right out of her chair, forgetting her question as though it had been wiped clean from the chalkboard. “Oh I’d love one!” She skipped over to me in a surprisingly light-footed manner and squeezed me so hard, I actually wondered if she could break my rib.
As I pulled back, her eyes were glazed over with love and happiness and I backed away, my enlightened face still mesmerizing her with joy. I gave a little wave as I made a quick move to grab the handle of the door and back my way down the stoop, exhaling with relief as I turned and the door shut behind me. I leaned back against the cool steel, my hand still on the handle as I looked at my shoes in utter disbelief. She was so happy that it was sickening.
“Excuse me.”
I jumped, throwing my hand to my chest as I looked up in the direction of the voice, my heart racing from the sudden break of silence.
“Excuse me, hi.” His gaze focused on mine.
I blinked hard, my voice choking in my throat and my whole body now teaming with warmth and fear.
“Is Miss Dee in?”
I swallowed hard, his blue-grey eyes piercing into my soul, the ghost before me still struggling to register in my thoughts.
“Uh…” I was stammering hard.
Edgar patiently stood, his face unchanged and his mouth no more than a steady concentrated line. He didn’t even flinch as he looked at me. Nothing about his fabled existence recognized the glimmer of my reflection and I now realized how strange it must have been for Edgar when I had come back into his life. It was as though I were staring into the same oblivious face, the same lost expression that I had possessed.
“Uh…Yeah.” My lungs began to sting as I refused to breath.
He gave me a sharp satisfied nod, “Well may I cut by?”
I suddenly noticed that I was still barricading the door like an idiot, my arms sprawled between the two jams as I struggled to remain standing. “Oh sorry,” I breathed as I moved aside, stumbling off the stoop.
Edgar’s ghost made a quick movement to catch me before halting himself, his programming telling him not to touch anyone.
I caught my hand against the wall before making a complete fool of myself and falling to the ground. A vine from under the building began to curl up toward me in its attempt to break my fall but I quickly stepped in front of it as I tried to hide its reaction.
“Are you all right Miss?” His eyebrows rose and my heart melted.
I waved him away, “Oh yeah, I’m okay.” I wanted to run into his arms. I wanted to feel his grasp, feel the love. But here I was without him, nothing more than a glimmer in his eyes and just another face.
He turned and walked into the office without another word, his casual demeanor cold and shocking. My mind was screaming the words I longed to tell him, the words I wish I could utter again, but as the door shut my eyes welled with thick tears and my voice remained silent.
I inhaled one shaky breath, trying to decide what to do next. Leaning against the building, my knees shook with uncontrollable adrenaline and my heart throbbed as the blood pumped like lava through my veins. I finally blinked as the tears I struggled to hide poured down my cheeks. My chest began to shake as the sobbing followed. I allowed myself this small moment, this chance to feel the reality of it all before stopping myself.
I wiped my eyes and furled my brow, angry that I could be so weak. A sharp exhale escaped my trembling lips as I forced my body away from the wall, my legs struggling under the weight as I pushed myself forward. There was no telling how long it would be before Edgar came out of that room, and I was certain that I didn’t want to be here to witness it. That was all the proof I needed for today.
As I walked with a slow lumber down the path and into the opening in the center of the complex, I found myself disappointed. Of course I hadn’t expected his ghost to remember me, how could it? It was just a hologram, a figment of dust and air. It had no heart, no mind, and no soul. But there was a part of me that hoped, hoped the search was over and he would finally come home. As I put my hand to my chest, feeling for that familiar burn of love, instead I felt nothing. I couldn’t feel him the way I used to, and in this I knew he was gone.
I forced my legs up the hill toward my old cabin as I dried my eyes some more. If one thing was true, seeing his face as though he were alive fueled my urges to find him. This was not a question of moving on, it was moving forward. Forward to him and to the answers I needed.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
My chest rose as I took a deep breath and leaned in where I listened to the muffled voices and laughter behind the familiar pine door. Lifting my hand, I rapped it with eagerness against the wood, remembering how it had felt to hear that noise from the other side as Scott had relentlessly done every morning before class.
The voices hushed and I heard a scramble of feet on the floorboards. I exhaled and rolled my eyes, hoping I wasn’t breaking up some sort of love session. My heart raced, what was I going to say to them? What would be my excuse for abandoning them like I had, leaving them behind?
As my thoughts raced the door flew open and a gust of wind rustled through my hair.
Scott stared at me wide eyed, his jaw gaping. “No way!” he yelped, throwing his hands in the air like a rag doll.
I grunted hard as he ran toward me, hugging me with a force I never thought he could posses.
“Elle!” he yelled again, his voice piercing my ears as his chin rested on my shoulder, his arms like a vice around my whole body.
I looked over hi
s shoulder and into the room, Sarah’s mouth was gaping in the same manner Scott’s had, her eyes glittering with what looked like tears. A feeling of embarrassment overcame me and I made a quick move to smile in my attempt to ease the tension.
Her gaze broke as she finally spoke, “It’s like seeing a ghost!” she screeched.
I rolled my eyes. “That seems to be happening a lot lately,” I mumbled under my breath. Thankfully neither of them heard me.
Scott pulled me away from him, his hands clasped around my shoulders as he examined my face. I pursed my lips, feeling like an ant under a microscope.
“Gosh you look different Elle, but still the same. How are you?!” Scott’s voice cracked, the sound comforting me somehow, he hadn’t changed at all.
“Oh I’m ok, I heard some interesting news though,” I wrenched myself away from Scott as politely as possible and I closed the gap between Sarah and I in just seconds. My hand grasped her left and I pulled it to my face to examine the jewels.
Sarah blushed and I heard Scott’s nervous laugh behind me, filling the air with a sense of timid juxtaposition.
“Oh it’s beautiful!” I gasped, taking in the small diamond solitaire that was delicately perched atop Sarah’s ring finger. I turned my gaze to Scott, “You did a good job.” I winked at him with a genuine look of happiness crossing my face.
His cheeks were a deep shade of crimson and his ears as red as ever.
“So have you set a date?” I turned my gaze back to Sarah as I searched her eyes. The question was a typical one, but seemed to fit in the awkward moment.
She smiled, “The end of the summer.”
My grin was beginning to hurt my face, “Oh that’s perfect!” I dropped her hand as I stepped back and the three of us formed a triangle in the tiny space.
I looked around the room, a flood of memories rushing back to me. One memory, however, was more vivid than the rest, the night Edgar had slept over. The image of him carelessly lounging on the rug crossed my mind and I forced back the tears.
