by Cassie Mae
“What?”
“I brought you the sleeping pill so you wouldn’t remember it happening. You’d be out, you know? So it’s not like it’d be real.”
Who. The. Hell. Is. This. Person? And why is she crying? I’m the one who should be, but with my funky contacts and my fury, I can’t find it in me. My arms untangle, and I shove her so hard she stumbles off my porch.
“Not real?” I shriek. “You have no idea what haunted me for those few seconds when I thought someone had done something to me. Millions of faces, hands, hot breath… it was terrifying. It makes me sick. If you were a good friend, you never would’ve invited me to that party. If you wanted to go so bad, you should’ve gone by yourself. I shouldn’t have to live with your stupid decisions.”
She stares up at me from her butt on my cement. I should feel bad, and there may be a tiny part of me that does, but I’m so angry I can’t do anything but shake in my feet, wishing this whole thing had never happened.
“I had to bring you,” she says to my knees.
“What?”
She gulps, adjusting herself on the ground. “You were part of my payment to get in.”
We’re quiet. I hear buzzing a street away and curse myself for thinking about Levi at a time like this because it won’t make me feel better.
“So, it’s even worse than I thought. Now you’re my pimp, and you sold me out to some random guy who drew my number.”
She doesn’t say anything. No sorries or even anything to defend herself. I shake my head, sniff, and set my hand on the doorknob. “I hope you enjoy your new friends. Because we are so done.”
“But, I can stop the harassment with my new status. The popular people, they like me now. Even though Adam and Levi pulled us from the party and called the cops, they like me. It’s been ten times better.” She smiles, but her eyes don’t look happy. “You could hang with us, and they won’t make fun of you anymore.”
I wonder what ate her brain. A bug or something dug itself in there and turned her into an idiot. I blow out a breath and refuse to let any more tears come out.
“No thanks. I’d hate to think I was just part of the payment plan.”
Then I slam the door behind me. I lean against the wood and land on a crumpled heap on the floor. Mom comes in from the kitchen and crouches next to me with a glass of water.
“I take it that wasn’t Zak.”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
And for the second time in two weeks, my mom sits next to me on the floor and lets me cry on her shoulder while I try to mend my broken heart with one of the only people I have left.
***
My mentoring packet is blank. Nada, zip, zero filled out. I’m supposed to have Brea’s answers to this stupid questionnaire thing by tomorrow, and I have no phone to tell her about it.
So, I’m forced to talk to Levi.
Thing is, he’s not in Debate. Don’t see him at lunch or in the halls. And the band misses their piccolo player. I’m told by Blinky Blinkerson he never misses Band, even if he’s dead sick. She looks super worried, and that shouldn’t make me jealous, but it does.
And on top of all of this, my contacts are still driving me crazy. I’ve rubbed my eyes raw trying to relieve the sting.
I pack up my things and jog to Adam’s Geo in the parking lot. Hopefully he’s okay giving me a ride to Levi’s, or at least driving me by their place so I can play Peeping Tom from a distance.
I’m adjusting my purple scoop neck when I hear the razzing begin. But it’s not directed at me.
“Are you confused about your sexuality? Just come out of the closet. We’ll understand.” Connor Jenkins punches Mitch Hayes in the shoulder as Adam walks by, playing with the strap of his backpack and ignoring the dickweeds. He offers me up a half smile when he sees me.
“Maybe that’s why you spend all your time with the girl who can’t open her legs!”
What is it with these perverts? If I do what Sydney said, just give it up to stop the comments, it won’t stop them at all. I’ll just go from prude to whore. And I know I’m not the only virgin. I’m just the only one who crashed into a tree to avoid having sex.
Adam goes to hug me, but I snub him. I don’t mean to be rude about it, it’s just I don’t want to hear anything else.
“Uh… would you mind dropping me off at Brea’s again?” I purposely say Brea and not Levi. “I’ve got to get the mentorship thing done.”
“You still haven’t filled that out?”
I shake my head and so does he.
“Procrastinator.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Can you?”
“Hop in.”
Adam doesn’t say anything, or even turn on the radio as we drive. He’s tapping his thumb against the gearbox and looking dead ahead. But I think he’s on autopilot because he blows past a stop sign without even blinking.
“You okay?” I ask, swiveling around to make sure there wasn’t a cop or anything.
“Huh?” He glances over, hits a speed bump at thirty-five miles per hour, then swerves. I cling to the seat for dear life. “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I’m fine.”
He’s not, but I squeeze his hand for a second to let him know I know he’s not fine, but I’m not going to push it. He probably had a Sydney encounter too. And no way do I want to talk about that.
My eyes start to sting again, and I growl, ripping out my left contact. Great, it’s got a tear in it. I crank down the window and toss it out. I put the right contact in the case I keep in my backpack and put on my glasses. As if seeing Levi wasn’t bad enough, now I have to wear these awful things.
Brea’s outside when we pull up. Her hands are clasped over her ears, and her long blond hair hangs over her knees as she buries her face in them. I raise an eyebrow at Adam who just shrugs and turns off the engine. It doesn’t surprise me that he gets out of the car with me. I think there’s a sensor in him that goes off when he knows something is up, and maybe he can help.
“Uh, Brea—”
“It’s three months late? Why didn’t you tell me?”
My stomach flops over when I hear Levi’s voice from inside, and Brea snaps her head up, red face and eyes as wide as golf balls. Adam automatically takes a step toward her.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she spits at me, brushing her hair from her forehead.
“Um…those packets are due tomorrow,” I mumble, but I’m not sure if she hears me over the shouting going on inside.
“I can’t pay it. There’s not enough to do this and the water bill. I’m surprised they haven’t shut off the water yet.”
“What?”
Now I hear a female voice, and I’m wishing I could jam my hands over my ears like Brea was doing seconds before.
“The water is late too. I had to get off early last week to… take care of something.”
“Then that extra shift did nothing?”
“I’m doing the best I can, Mom.”
“Hey,” Brea shouts, tearing my gaze from the open screen door of their trailer. “I don’t give a shit about that packet. I don’t care what you want from my brother or whatever. I’m just done, and I’m out of here.” She stands, shoving between me and Adam. I think he’s still on autopilot because he snatches her arm to stop her. She stares at it, then up at him, and he pulls back.
“Um…did you need a ride somewhere?”
I’m almost ready to jump in and tell Adam to stop talking crazy. He doesn’t even know this girl, and really, she’ll tear him apart.
But Brea blinks a few times, then drops her gaze. Her cheeks blossom pink, and she says to the ground, “I’m capable of walking. Thanks though.” She shakes her head, takes a deep breath, and looks at me. “I’d get out of here before Levi comes out. He’d be pissed if he knew you heard any of that.”
I can’t even process that before she leaves. Adam has to pull on my sleeve to get me to move to his car, but I’m having a zombie moment
. I could leave, and Levi would never know I was here unless Brea told him. I could keep pretending it doesn’t bother me that he’s not talking to me. I could walk away.
Adam opens my door, and I almost get in. Instead, I stop and look back at Levi’s trailer. My head tells me to wait for him to come to me, but something much stronger tells me to go to him.
“I think I’m going to stay.”
Adam pushes his glasses up. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to stay with you?”
“No.”
He pushes out a breath and closes the door. “All right. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to see if she’s really okay.” He nods to Brea walking down the road, huddled in on herself, blond hair waving near her waist.
I smile and nod. Looks like we’re tag-teaming it.
“You’ll use Levi’s phone if you need me to pick you up, right? Don’t walk, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, Adam.”
“Yup.” He crosses over to the driver’s side, fiddling a little with his keys. I give him a light wave and watch him drive to Brea. After a few minutes, she eventually hops in the car and they round the corner. Gosh, I hope he survives her.
I don’t take any more steps toward Levi’s screen door. This isn’t something I want to eavesdrop on. I want him to tell me, or hug me, or let me do something. I poke at the chain link and wait. Even if Levi doesn’t come outside, Adam will have to bring Brea back, so I won’t be out here forever.
After a few minutes of switching legs and pulling lint from my pockets, I contemplate sitting on the sidewalk to rest my feet when Levi comes shooting from the trailer and goes straight for his moped.
“Hey!” I shout before he drives off without glancing in my direction. He whips around, hair flopping in the wind, and stares me down. My breathing goes ragged, and I feel like maybe I should bolt from the spot, but I stay planted, begging him with my eyes to let me be here. To not get pissed. To do anything but push me away again.
He glances back at his house for a second. His hand tightens around his keys, and I see him take a large breath. Without saying anything, he grabs the extra helmet by the scooter and walks over to me. He sets it on my head, no smile, no words… just eye contact and gentle hands as he does the clip up. His fingers slide from the helmet strap down my shoulder and land in my palm. I don’t need any more encouragement as he pulls me to the bike, settles me on back, and we take off to who knows where.
Chapter 21
Ninety percent of conversation is body language.
I’m totally okay with that.
The movie theater is empty tonight. Maybe a few couples here and there, but not enough people to jam pack the place like Friday nights. Levi squeezes my hand and brings a finger to his lips, and I nod as he punches in a code to the employees only area. As soon as the little ding goes off, Levi cracks the door open, and after a quick scan, he pulls me inside after him.
He leads me down a narrow hallway, white tile and black walls. It’s quiet except for the sound of popping corn in the distance. Levi makes a sudden turn, taking me down another hallway filled with crates of soda syrup and popcorn buckets. He presses an elevator button I never would’ve seen without him pointing it out.
I don’t dare ask him what’s going on. I don’t dare speak at all, but he does do his little half smile at me, which makes me grin and pig snort. I’m so awesome.
The elevator doors open, and he jumps inside, tugging me close. I land right up against his chest, which I didn’t notice till now was covered with his Cineplex uniform. Was he working through school? Is that why he wasn’t there?
He reaches over me to press a button that says P on it, smashing it until the doors close. We’re still not talking, but he’s rubbing my arm, kissing the top of my head, tucking into my shoulder, all these things that make me not care at all that we’re silent.
The doors creak open after the elevator does that stomach jolt, and Levi pulls me into the dark room. There are projection machines everywhere, and I can hear the movies going on as we pass each one. It’s creepy and scary, but also pretty cool. I just wish I knew what’s going through his head.
We get to the end of a hallway, and he lets go of my hand. He slams his back against the wall and slides to the floor. “It’s always quiet here,” he says. Even though I can hear the movies and some guy snoring in the distance, I know what he means. I take a careful step forward, and he reaches a hand out and pats the space next to him.
I swear, the second my butt hits the tile, he loses it. His eyes turn to mine, and they drip with something worse than tears. They’re tears he doesn’t want to cry. Tears he can’t manage to let escape. But sobs rip in his throat, and he’s buried in my neck before I can even respond to that pain I just saw.
“Sierra, I can’t…I can’t do this alone anymore.”
My heart beats hard against my chest, trying to reach out to his. “Do what alone?”
He lifts his head, blue eyes on me again. “I can’t keep being the one who always takes care of everyone.” His hand moves to my neck, and he brings me close.
“I need someone to take care of me.”
***
There’s sweat building in the crease of my elbows from holding onto Levi for so long. We haven’t said much. I’m not exactly sure what to say.
“Sierra?” He leans up, separating our embrace. A cool waft of air rushes over me with his distance. “I’m sorry.”
I force my voice not to shake. “For what?”
He gulps. “For pushing you away that night. For not telling you everything. For saying I didn’t want it to mean anything. Because, well, I do want it to mean something. If I kiss you, I want it to be the start of everything for us. I shouldn’t have asked so selfishly like that.”
“It’s oka—”
“Don’t say it’s okay.” He half smiles. “I want you to tell me again.”
“Huh?”
“Tell me what you said to me that night when I told you it couldn’t mean anything.”
Like I remember word for word. I bite the side of my lip and cut off our eye contact so I can think.
“Um…I said everything you do means something.”
“After that.”
I pick at the Velcro on his cargo pants. What did I say? What did he say? I don’t even really remember the details. Just that I wanted him to open up, and he said no. Well, he didn’t say no, he just didn’t say anything.
“I could use a hint,” I tell him.
He chuckles. “I told you I didn’t want to bother you with my problems.”
“And I said…” I pause as it comes back. “I said I wanted you to tell me why you feel like you can’t take care of me.”
Full blown smile now, and I smile back, not being able to help it. His smiles must be contagious.
“Can I tell you now? Even though it’s a week late?”
I nod, glad I didn’t shriek out the “Yes!” I wanted to, since we’re sort of whispering so no one can hear us here in the projection room.
“My mom lost her job. You know that already, so I’ve been trying to keep up with everything. I sold my car, my drums… I’ve been working late hours, extra hours, hours I didn’t even know existed. The reason I’ve been driving past your house at four in the morning is it’s on my way home from the soup kitchen. If I go in and help them prepare for the morning rush, they let me take home a bag of bagels. It’s not much, but anything helps, right?”
He tries to laugh at it, and I echo him, but I’m not finding it funny.
“Our bills are getting later, and I’m running out of time and energy. I just want to take care of them.” His light attitude disappears. “We lost the house, our car, our sense of stability. We’ve already lost my dad. I don’t know how much more we can lose.”
Now that he’s saying it, I don’t know how to help. I wish I could. I mean, I go through money problems with my family. My parents work all the time, and Zoe’s helping
out even, but it’s not like this. At all. I’ve never had to carry the adult responsibilities. I’ve never worried about moving, or losing my phone, or even going to a soup kitchen so I can have something to eat. I can’t believe he has to deal with it all.
It’s not much, but I run my finger over the inside of his wrist, drawing patterns and hopefully telling him without words that I’m here. Even if I can’t take his problems away, at least there’s this.
His eyes drop to my hand. He watches me, and I watch him watching me.
“I want to take care of you,” he whispers. “I want to take care of you so bad. But I can’t even take care of the people I’m already looking after.” He adjusts on the floor, so he’s facing me and we’re not shoulder to shoulder anymore. “When Adam called me during that party, I kept thinking how I should have been there from the start. I would’ve seen what it was the second you pulled up to that house. You would’ve never had to go through that.”
“It’s okay.”
“Please stop saying it’s okay. It’s not. I wanted to be there. I want to protect you. But I have obligations that make it near impossible to have a relationship. And you deserve someone who will be there for you in the blink of an eye.”
“Levi,” I say, pulling his hand into my lap and cradling it between my palms. “You were there. Do you not remember? Because I do. I remember everything you’ve done. You were there when I couldn’t form two words during my debate speech. You were there when I was tripped at school. You held my hair back when I puked in your bushes. You stayed with me when I was afraid to fall asleep. And you were there at that party. You not only helped get me out, you got one of my friends too. Seriously, how can you think you’re not already taking care of me? Everything you do with me makes me feel protected and safe.”
His brows pull together, eyes watering again, and he wiggles his hand from my hold to sweep my hair away and settle on the back of my neck.
“I’ve got so much to deal with. You deserve more.” His thumb brushes my jaw, and his eyes stay on mine. “So much more.”
