by Harper Bliss
When I wake, for a short moment, I think I’m in Singapore again. The room is unfamiliar and the other side of the bed is empty—I could be anywhere, really. But then I realize I’m at Jill’s apartment. Before I get up and find her, I take a few seconds to savor the memory of last night. For all I know, once I clasp eyes on Jill, she’ll tell me it was a huge mistake, and then that’s all it will be for the rest of my life: a mere memory. At least now, I can still dream of more. Even I, someone who grew up with almost infinite possibilities, know that dreaming of more is futile. Perhaps in a moment of pending loss like this, I should be happy for the practice I’ve had.
Then another thought enters my head: did my father even make it through the night? Surely, if something had happened, someone would have called me. But it’s an odd thought to have. I’m not used to thinking of my father first thing in the morning. Additionally, if he knew about this, he might feel like I disgraced the Lennox name even more than Sebastian has.
I hear water running somewhere. I’m still disoriented by this place. The running water sounds too far away to be in the bathroom. Jill must be in the kitchen. I look around for something to cover myself with. I find a navy-blue silk robe in the first closet I open. It feels worn and smells a bit musty, but it’s only to cover up my body that smells of sex and exquisite orgasms had. I smile as I make my way into the kitchen, but make sure to rearrange my features when I greet Jill.
She looks at me as though I’ve just robbed her of something very valuable.
“Where did you find that?” she asks.
I assume she means the robe. “In the closet. I needed something to cover myself up with.”
It’s as if I can almost see the cogs in her brain whirring, like she’s figuring out if, for some reason, it’s okay for me to wear her old robe.
“It’s not… mine,” she says. “It used to belong to someone else.”
“Sorry. I didn’t know. And you were gone…” I have no idea how to behave. What I really want to do is go over and kiss her, but, perhaps for the first time ever in my life, I don’t know if my kisses will be welcome—although they were more than welcome last night.
“I know we need to talk,” Jill says curtly. “But I need to get to the office. I slept through my alarm.”
“Alarm?” I didn’t hear a thing this morning.
“Take a shower if you want. You probably need to go home before coming into work. I’ll cover for you if Jeffrey wants to see you before you arrive.”
“Can we just take one minute?” I do walk over to her now. “One breath?” I try a smile.
“Ali,” she says on a sigh and shakes her head. “I don’t know what to say. Clearly, this shouldn’t have happened. If Jeffrey finds out, I’ll be fired. You needed someone to comfort you last night, and I did, and it got out of hand. Do you think we can leave it at that?”
For someone who claims not to know what to say, she has a lot of words at the ready. But what had I expected? That Jill was going to throw herself into a love affair with me? And is that even what I want?
She’s staring at me, probably because I haven’t answered her question. Do I want to leave it at this? Can I leave it at this? “For now.” My voice croaks. I need a glass of water.
This is all a bit frosty for me, however. If I had my way, I would wrap my arms around her and at least claim one last hug. But this moment isn’t about what I want—it’s about respecting what Jill wants.
“Thank you.” Her voice suddenly sounds much more heartfelt. Perhaps she had expected me to make a scene. I can hardly blame her for that expectation.
“I’ll just shower at home.” I can’t stay here now. I understand where Jill is coming from, yet I feel the sharp sting of rejection.
I leave her in the kitchen and, unwashed, slip into the clothes I carelessly shed last night, like some sort of reverse playback of what occurred.
When I emerge from the bedroom again, Jill is standing firmly next to the kitchen counter.
“I’ll see you at the office,” I say, from the front door. As close as we were last night, this morning, the distance between us seems wholly unbridgeable. “Thanks for…” I don’t want to sound too sheepish so I don’t continue. And I can hardly thank her for her kindness when she gave me so much more.
I exit her apartment without even the possibility of touching Jill again. On the way to my house, the car already stuck in morning traffic, I call Evelyn and ask for my father’s doctor’s phone number. Because, at the moment, I have bigger fish to fry than to ascertain how I really feel about Jill. I need to convince my father he needs surgery—and he needs it this week. Before that, he needs to appoint Jill interim CEO.
Maybe sleeping with her now was very bad timing.
26
Jill
I feel like an imposter. Like someone with a secret that can never come out. It’s as if I’ve betrayed the people I work with and, most of all, my boss, who also happens to be very sick—and whose sickness I feel like I have exploited in some way.
Jeffrey’s not there yet and I remind myself that I’m not supposed to know about the gravity of his condition. How am I meant to focus on work when all my energy is going on concealing things? And not just that, but to processing that I slept with Ali.
I can’t lie to myself and claim it wasn’t utterly exhilarating—it was—but that doesn’t make it okay. Of course it doesn’t. And all the things I allowed myself not to feel last night, come rushing back to me now. Did I take advantage? Why did I even let her kiss me again? Is it all just a game to her?
“Are you all right?” Linda asks when she catches me daydreaming.
“It’s going to be one of those days,” I say.
“Is it?”
I wave off her question and close my office door. I have no idea how to get through the emotional minefield this day will be. A sensation keeps gnawing at me since this morning—since I sent Ali away. That I was too cold with Ali. Why couldn’t my kindness, my compassion, extend to this morning? Because after last night, it wasn’t only kindness anymore. It was way more than that.
Even though I have a million things to do, I’m waiting for things to happen. I’m waiting for Jeffrey to arrive; for Ali to arrive; to be told something, because I’m the COO of this company and I don’t even officially know that my boss needs bypass surgery on his heart. I expected Jeffrey to have told me about something as significant as that, but he didn’t, and maybe that fact sums up my relationship with him—and by extension, with this company. For someone who as good as turned his back on his family—out of grief, perhaps, but the reason isn’t as important as the consequence—he suddenly seems very big on it. And I’m not, and never will be, family.
But I’m much closer to a member of the Lennox clan than he will ever realize. I shake off the thought, because it’s inappropriate and also because it makes me think of Ali again. Of her scrumptious body. The look on her face when she came under my—my!—touch. Of how I felt this morning, before the panic set in, and I was basking in the afterglow of that glorious night we spent together. Those divine couple of minutes full of possibility.
Because I’m still waiting and my attention is too scattered to focus on anything right now, I indulge in fantasy. What’s the worst that could happen? I envisage Ali and me going to her father’s house together, as a couple. That’s not a fantasy, I conclude. That’s a flat-out nightmare. Add Sebastian to the picture with his relentless taunts and jibes, and the terror is complete. Our night together, glorious as it was, will have to remain a secret forever.
Then, finally, there’s the familiar sounds in the hallway of the big boss arriving. The nervous tension ignites for a fraction. Everyone stands to greet him as though Jeffrey is a general who needs to be formally saluted every single morning.
Ali hasn’t arrived yet.
I go into the hallway, keeping my face as expressionless as possible, because I’m not meant to know anything.
“My office in ten,” Jeffrey
says, his voice low, his complexion ashen.
I have ten minutes to pull it together. I go over things I usually talk to him about off the cuff, because they’re my job and they’re things I inherently know. I feel like I’m preparing for an exam, while all he probably wants is his daily briefing.
Then there’s more noise in the corridor. Through the glass walls of my office I see Ali arrive. Her pace is brisk as she heads straight to her father’s office, leaving me even more in the dark.
A few minutes later, Evelyn asks me to join them.
Showtime. I head into the boss’s office.
I focus on Jeffrey, but it’s actually quite hard to see him like this. Every single day, the lines on his face deepen and his eyes look more sunken, as though they’re retreating—as though they’ve had enough. But I have to keep my focus on him because I can’t even bear to look at Ali. Oh, how we have screwed this up royally. Sebastian walks in and closes the door behind him. For once, he succeeds in removing some tension from the room instead of recklessly adding to it.
“Okay,” Jeffrey says. “Here’s how it’s going to be.” He looks me in the eye. “My daughter has been talking to my doctor this morning.” I’m not sure why Jeffrey’s looking at me while he’s talking about Ali. “They’re ganging up on me, which leaves me no choice, Jill. I need you to step up for a while, just while I have surgery.”
“Surgery?” I try to sound surprised.
“The old ticker’s letting me down. It’s nothing serious. I’ll be back before you know it.”
It’s funny how he doesn’t even ask if I want to be interim CEO. Everything’s always automatically implied in Jeffrey Lennox’s world.
“When are you having the surgery?” I ask.
“Friday. Bypass,” he says curtly. “I’ll be out for a week at least. Ideally, we wouldn’t tell anyone, but in this day and age, it’s too risky to keep a secret like that.”
“A week?” Ali butts in. “A month more like, Dad.” She shakes her head.
Jeffrey ignores her. “The point is, Jill, that I need you. I trust you to not fuck anything up while I’m gone.”
“How are you feeling? Should you even be here today?”
“We need to distribute a press release,” he says.
“Sure, but I’ll take care of all of that. Jeffrey, you should go home and rest.” I only dare to say these things because he looks like a man whose heart may actually give up on him any second now.
“I won’t stay long,” he says, much against my expectation. “We’ll announce that you’re taking over while I’m away. Meanwhile, keep prepping Ali, so we can have her approved by the board by the end of the month, as previously agreed.”
“Can we, um…” I can barely get the words past the sudden lump in my throat. “Can someone else mentor Ali while I’m CEO?” I ask. I don’t dare glance at Ali, but it’s as though I can feel her shooting daggers into my back.
“Interim CEO,” Sebastian says. “I’ll do it.”
“Hell, no,” Ali says. “I should follow Jill, especially now that she’s going to be interim CEO.”
“Everything stays as it was,” Jeffrey says. “Now go and do some work.”
“Nice try,” Ali whispers in my ear as I exit Jeffrey’s office.
27
Ali
I barge into Jill’s office without asking permission. I convinced my father to make her interim CEO so he could have his surgery and she just tried to get rid of me in the process, her cowardly attempt to do so tacked on like an after-thought. And after the night we spent together.
“That wasn’t very nice,” I say.
“Please close the door.” Jill sits behind her desk. She looks a little tired. I did keep her up all night. She waits until the door is firmly closed to speak again. “How am I supposed to work with you now?” She puffs out some air. “Fuck, Ali. What have we done?”
“We slept together,” I state the obvious.
“I didn’t expect it to be so hard in front of them.” She nods at the wall that separates her office from my father’s.
“I’m sure you’ll be able to handle yourself again in no time.” I sound the exact opposite of how I feel. I’m touched that Jill could barely hold it together. But I need to remember her words from this morning. And how she just tried to get rid of me.
“I just wanted… a little break from you. I need it, Ali. I’ve just been put in charge. Your father’s undergoing surgery this week. There are so many people I need to speak with.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jill.” And it’s just as hard for me. “So use me. Tell me what to do to help. Throw me in at the deep end.” Maybe work will consume me so much, I’ll forget about last night entirely. If only it hadn’t been so spectacular. If only I wasn’t already consumed with the desire to do it again.
“Don’t tell anyone about this, please? That includes your friend Madison. If this comes out, it can and will be used against us and then we can kiss our leadership of this company goodbye.”
I do understand that the stakes are higher for Jill, that this is harder for her to even entertain as a possibility. But still. “I won’t tell anyone,” I lie. I already know I’ll tell Madison. I might go nuts if I don’t. Madison will surely go through the roof when I tell her.
“I suppose I shouldn’t invite you to my house tonight then?” I say.
Jill shakes her head. “The sooner we can pretend this never happened, the better.” As she sits there saying these words—rejecting me—inside me, the desire for her just grows.
“Jill, please. We are flesh and blood with feelings. At least I am.”
“Did I…” She can’t even look me in the eye anymore. “Tell me honestly, Ali, did I take advantage of the situation? Because if I did, it surely wasn’t my intention.”
“Of course you didn’t. I kissed you, remember?”
“But I’m the one who should have known better.”
“Stop it, Jill. All this talk of moving on and forgetting about it. Is that really what you want?”
“It’s not about what I want. There’s no choice here, Ali. I hope you realize that.”
“There’s always a choice.”
“Maybe there is in your world, but I’ve worked for this moment for a long time. I may only be CEO for a brief time, but for me, it’s a really big deal, regardless of the circumstances. This is our moment. This is when we start making our strategic moves so this company will be ours.”
“Wow.” It’s back to business for Jill already. Although I know that she wasn’t the one to take advantage of the situation, this is all working out rather well for her.
“I don’t mean to be insensitive,” she says. “I care about Jeffrey and, in the end, I want some sort of happy ending for Sebastian as well, but you and I, we’re the future of—”
“Jill, please,” I interrupt her. “Stop. Just stop. Look at me.” I force her to hold my gaze. “Everything is different now. I’m not some heartless bitch driven only by ambition. Have you even for a minute stopped to consider that I might genuinely care for you?”
She scoffs. “There’s no room for feelings here.”
“For fuck’s sake! Who is this sitting in front of me today? She has nothing to do with the woman I was with last night.”
“I know I’m twenty-four hours too late with this, and what’s done is done, but you have to stop this now, Ali. I mean it. As soon as your father leaves, go be with him. That’s what should be important for you right now.”
“Did you forget he just ordered you to mentor me further?”
“And I will, just not today. I need you out of my sight today. I need to process and I need to work.”
The sting behind my eyes surprises me. I had no idea Jill could be so cold, although she already gave me a taste of that this morning.
“Are you for real?” I tap the tip of my shoe against the floor.
“Ali, please.” Her voice sounds pleading—even more so than when she begged me to fuck her
last night. “This is hard for me as well.”
“Okay.” I have no choice but to respect her wishes. And she’s right. I should spend the rest of the day with my father, or at least try to. I can give her the day, because there’s always tomorrow, and the day after, and the one after.
I leave Jill and, before returning to my father’s office, where I’m not sure I’ll even be welcome, I stop by Sebastian’s.
“Are you okay?” I ask, thinking that my life was so much easier before I returned to L.A., regardless of the reason why I left. Now I have Jill to deal with. And my dad’s health. And my brother’s jealousy.
“Fine. Just worried about Dad.”
“And about Jill?”
He fixes his gaze on me at the mention of Jill’s name. “It makes sense for now,” he says, then shrouds himself in silence.
I can’t help but wonder what Leah would have made of all of this. Jill had been in my father’s employ for ten years by the time Leah died, but I can’t remember us ever discussing her. Leah and I were far too busy hating the family business and vowing we’d never have anything to do with it, because in our view, it took away the only parent we still had.
I can only think of Leah as a twenty-five-year old woman, who would have very different views on life than I have now, so her imagined opinion isn’t of great importance. Still, I’d like to think that at least my sister would have understood. And if she were still alive, at least I would have been able to tell her. So many of my secrets died with Leah. Things I only ever told her. I still keep her secrets and I intend to take them to my grave with me as well.
28
Jill
This is it. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The word ‘interim’ is easy enough to drop or forget or simply pretend is not there. I’m CEO of Lennox Breweries. The press release has been sent out. The phones are ringing off the hook, but I’m not taking any of those calls today. Jeffrey has gone home. Ali somehow convinced him to put his health first, but, in the end, he didn’t have much choice. If not, there wouldn’t be anything left to put first.
