by Ryan Michele
Not only that, I need to come to terms with Bam’s death. Thinking about it sends chills down my body and my hands shake. Even after four years, his death still haunts me. I close my eyes, tears well up inside of them. I try keeping the tears at bay but am finding it hard to do. Bam is the only family I have, was the only family I had. Even though I grew up around the club, I never felt part of it. Instead, I always felt like an outsider looking in. The brother’s kid, therefore, everyone put up with me.
Harlow is truly the sister I always wanted, not by blood but by bond. Even though I do consider her my family, she now has her own to deal with. Not only that, she has the club. Now that she’s an ol’ lady, she’s in a whole different bracket than me. Where once we were similar in status, to a degree, now she’s on a whole other field and I respect her place there.
Even growing up, I always felt the difference with her. Harlow is the Princess and I always felt like the court. The brothers always fawned over her, and were nice to me, but never to the extent of Princess. Looking back now, it sounds damn petty and jealous, but to a thirteen year old girl who’s trying to come into her own, it was everything. I don’t even know if the brothers realized they were doing it or if they cared. But I cared.
When Bam died, all the brothers stepped up to take care of me, but again I felt like a spectator just watching from the sidelines. There, but not feeling part of it. And part of it could have been the grief I was in, considering I didn’t come out of my room for a couple of weeks. But the club was Bam’s family, not mine, even though I wanted it to be. I have always been an obligation to the brothers. I don’t need anyone’s pity, ever again. But I’ll always have Harlow to some degree, maybe not like before, but I do know if I called her right now she would come. Granted we have some things to work out, but I know we will.
I can’t tell her about the baby though, not yet. I almost did last night lying in bed with her after the intensity of what we found out about Rocky being an undercover cop. I want someone to talk to about the pregnancy, but I could not add more shit to her already huge pile she’s dealing with, even though I craved to lean on her. I ache for her to wrap her arms around me and take away all the hurt and confusion. But on the flip side, I know she will be pissed that I left and would drag me back and force me to tell G.T., but he’s not ready to know yet. More importantly, I’m not ready to tell him yet.
A loud bang on the front door causes me to jump and clutch my chest, my heart pounds. Damn. I walk hesitantly to the door and look in the peephole where Jace is standing with a plastic bag in one hand and a pizza box in the other. My stomach growls, but chastise it to shut up.
I open the door slowly and give a small smile. “Hi.”
“Hey Casey. I just figured you were busy unpacking and thought I’d bring ya something to eat.”
“Thanks. But I’m just heading out to find a grocery store.” My chest tightens. I don’t want to be a bitch, but from the gleam in his eye he is seriously interested in me and I can’t have that. There is too much in my life that needs to be sorted out before any of that will happen and leading him anywhere is a mistake. Especially when he finds out I’m going to have a kid, insta-dad doesn’t work with a lot of men. But it is a nice gesture to bring a new neighbor food.
“I’ve already got food. You’ve gotta be tired from unpacking all day. Look. It’s just a friend thing. I can see the wheels in your head turning. I’ve gotta eat. You gotta eat. Let’s just eat and when we’re done, I’ll leave.” Jace changed into a pair of cargo khaki shorts and a blue polo shirt that is tight around his biceps. His hair looks like his fingers have been through it a thousand times, but still put together. His eyes gleam as they stare into mine.
“Just friends.” I emphasize for him, not myself.
“Got it.” I sweep my arm in front of me ushering him into my apartment my heart continuing to beat rapidly.
“Ignore the boxes. Crap. I don’t know if I have plates or anything.” I step into the kitchen that sparkles with white cabinets, a slightly lighter blue-grey color on the walls and large island that has two bar stools. I reach for the chrome knob on the cupboard door to get plates and Jace’s touch on my hand shocks me and I instantly retract it.
“Sorry. I have paper plates and pop. No worries.” I instantly feel like shit for my reaction. I sigh and reach for the countertop to steady myself. Pull your shit together.
“Great, thank you.” I give him a small smile. “Please have a seat.” I turn and point to the stool at the island.
He sets all of the things on top reaching into a plastic bag pulling out two plates, napkins and two pops. A grumble from my stomach declaring its hunger sends Jace into a fit of laughter.
“See, I knew you’d be hungry.” He opens the box pulling out pieces of oozing cheesy pizza and setting one on each of our plates. The smell of garlic and pizza sauce instantly hits my nose and my mouth waters. The realization of just how hungry I am hits me hard.
“It’s been a rough day.” I smile reaching for the pizza and taking a large bite. A slight moan escapes my lips as the sauce hits my tongue, so good. He smiles and begins to eat.
“I remember when I moved in last year, I was dead on my feet.” He starts obviously not liking the silence.
“Thank you for bringing me food.” I wipe my mouth and quickly dive back into the pizza devouring it, also if my mouth is full, I can’t talk much.
“You are very welcome. What are neighbors for?” He smiles and pizza sauce drips on his lip.
“You’ve got some.” I point to my lip, his tongue darts out catching the sauce. It’s definitely appealing, but I enforce the wall I have separating friendship from attraction.
“Thanks. Are you in school?” I nod. “What are you studying?” He asks.
Part of me didn’t want to answer him, didn’t want to give him any information about myself. But I didn’t want to be a rude bitch either. “Business, but I’m just starting so I have to get through all my gen eds first.”
“I’m business too. This is my second year, I’m mostly gen eds too. Hoping next semester, I’ll get some guts.”
I laugh at his description. “How are classes?” I grab another piece of pizza out of the box and immediately start eating.
“Alright. Nothing too exciting.” He shrugs before taking a large bite out of the slice in his hand.
“I’m looking forward to it.” I grab the pop taking a deep swallow, surprised that talking to him comes so natural as my body begins to relax a bit.
“So, Casey tell me about yourself.” I still, the relaxation I felt moments ago drifts out of my body and I stare at him. He notices my hesitance, “Just getting to know each other. Nothing more.”
It would be nice to know someone here and he does seem like a pretty decent guy. Hell, he brought me pizza. I can tell him, just not much.
“I’m from Sumner. I love working on cars and that’s about it.” I dig back into my pizza.
He grins. “I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but I’ll go with it.” He pauses. “I’m from here actually. Started school last year at the insistence of my father, I worked for him as a paper pusher so he thinks he can boss me around. Well, I guess he can.” He chuckles. “I run quite often, love to watch football and am an all-around great guy.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “You sure think highly of yourself there.”
He chews the pizza and swallows. “Nah. Nothing like that. Just thought I’d get to hear you laugh, and I’m glad I did.”
I turn away quickly at his flirtation, filling my mouth with more pizza.
He holds his hands up in surrender. “Sorry. I’ll stop. I’m making you uncomfortable and it’s the last thing I want.”
I wipe my face and slowly stand. “I really appreciate you bringing dinner, but I’m really tired.”
“And there’s my cue to get-the-hell-out,” he grumbles as he slides off the stool. I can’t deny his words. “Thanks for letting me eat with you. I’m sure we�
�ll see each other around.”
“Thank you again for helping with the box and bringing dinner. It was very nice of you.”
“What every guy wants to hear. It was nice.” He laughs. “It’s really no problem. If you need anything, I’m in 306. Come by anytime.”
I nod as I move quickly towards the door and open it. “Thank you. See ya Casey.” He smiles his eyes squinting in mischief. It’s best for him to go. He needs to go.
“Bye.” I shut the door and lock the deadbolt, clean up the remnants of dinner and head to bed. I wasn’t joking, I’m beat. I need sleep, now and it consumes me as soon as my head hits the pillow.
The first week of school flashes before my eyes and the second is almost over. I really like my classes and my professors seem alright. My job, on the other hand, not so much. Work is rough. Finding my place in a male dominated industry is a challenge and Foster’s Garage is no different and it’s what I expected. Back in Sumner, I paid enough dues and demonstrated my abilities daily to all the guys, and for that I am respected. Here… not so much.
The guys make their dumb ass comments about my ass, but I let it roll off my back. If I let that shit get to me then I’m in the wrong business. What gets me is the condescending tone some of them have when I talk engines. In reality, I can walk circles around them when it comes to an engine and more than likely take apart and rebuild one faster than they ever thought possible. Again, it’s all about paying my dues and I accept that, I just don’t have to like it.
Luckily, I only work two days a week for a couple of hours. I really don’t need to work at all. Bam left me enough money to survive on for quite some time and I’ve skimped and saved over the years. Bam taught me well when it came to money. Never live above your means and if you want something you work for it. That is exactly what I’m doing now. Plus it doesn’t hurt I love being under an engine and am not quite ready to give it up yet.
One of the best things that happened is meeting Bella. She’s really the only friend I’ve made here at school. We met in the two classes we share. She sat next to me one day and I couldn’t keep my damn eyes off of her. Her hair was so unique, dark black, but its silkiness is caught my attention; I wanted to touch it to see if it was real. And that was the first thing I asked her. She laughed replying yes. After talking more, we found out we have a ton in common and have been friends since. We began hitting up the coffee shop down the road to chat after class.
Bella lost her dad about a year ago, in talking about our experiences our bond formed instantly. We also have the same major which made us a match made in heaven. She actually lives in the next building over from me, which was a happy surprise.
When I walk into the coffee shop, Bella is instantly noticeable. Her long jet black hair flows uncontrollably down her back. Her eyes are blue, but they have a purple tint to them making them utterly unique. To say she looks exotic is an understatement. Add in a rocking body, smarts and kick ass personality, the guys at the club would eat her alive.
“Hey! So how’s it been going?” Bella asks as I slide into the table next to her.
Wrapping my hands around the mug of coffee she so generously had waiting for me, I smile. “Great. You?”
“Alright. Absolutely nothing exciting going on what so ever.” She grunts staring at her mug.
“You still seeing that guy…” My voice trails off as I wave my hand not remembering his name.
“His name was Ethan and no. He’s gone. I don’t have anyone at the moment.” Her evil smirk graces her pouty lips.
“You’re kidding me.” I egg her on smiling. In the short time that I’ve known her, I’ve learned quickly that Bella always has someone she’s with and someone waiting in the wings to take their spot. So far, she’s been through two.
Her laugh breaks out of her lips. “Nah. Need a break. This last one was too much of a pussy. I need a man… A real one.” The wiggle of her eyes up and down instigated my full out laugh.
“You sure you could handle that?” I say between breaths of fitting giggles thinking of all the brothers in the club.
“I’m tougher than you think. Why don’t you hook me up with one of your biker men?” Her tongue darts out running across her top lip. Telling Bella about my home life went so much smoother than I imagined. I am always apprehensive of telling people how I grew up especially with how others reacted in grade and high school.
I’ve been called everything from a biker brat to a biker slut and everything in between. Most of my classmates’ parents told them to stay clear of Harlow and myself; we were bad news, bad eggs, and bad seeds. Now that I look back on that, everything turned out for the best. Harlow and I didn’t have to deal with the superficial friendships that seem to be part of the high school experience for most people. But that didn’t mean our time was easy.
Even now as an adult, I still get weary, but Bella’s only reaction was the utter desire to come to the club and meet the guys. But there is no way I’m letting her turn into a club momma. Not going to happen.
“Girl, they’d eat you alive.”
“Maybe that’s what I need. To be eaten… hard.” The mug that almost made it to my mouth slams down the table as a roar of laughter bellows out of me uncontrollably. This is why I love hanging out with Bella, her mouth.
“Well, that’s sure a beautiful laugh.” My eyes gaze into the chocolate brown ones that were in my apartment. I have seen him a few times, but never enough to talk to him since our pizza night. He’s either coming in or going out of his apartment. I smile slightly, but never engage in conversation and to my surprise he just smiles back and goes on his way.
“Hey Jace. How are ya?” I ask turning to look at Bella whose eyes are bugging out of her head. Jace is a very attractive man from his toned muscular arms and legs to his sharp nose and cheekbones. I smile knowingly.
“I’m good. How’s school going for ya?”
“Good. This is my friend Bella. She lives in the apartment building next to ours.” He smiles politely to Bella.
“Hi there.” To my utter shock, his eyes jet right back to mine, not giving Bella his attention. My first thought is what the hell is wrong with him and the second is damn. I look over at Bella, who shrugs her shoulders, but no words escape her lips.
“You wanna hang out Saturday night? My friends and I are going to this bar, Dixie’s and I’d love for you to come with us. Bella’s welcome to come too.”
Before the words can leave my mouth, Bella answers for me. “We’d love to. What time do you want us to meet you?”
My mouth drops to the floor and I stare into her beautiful blue eyes wanting to strangle her. Her knowing smile only infuriates me more; she knew I’d say no. Damn her.
Instead of having it out with her, I look up into Jace’s triumphant face. “I can pick you up instead.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’ll drive.”
“Alright, alright. Eight. Meet us at eight.”
“We’ll be there.” Bella adds. Jace smiles over at Bella, but not in an I-want-to-sleep-with-you-way, but a thank-you.
“I’ve gotta run. I’ll see you two Saturday.” He smiles. “Oh wait. Here’s my number. Give me a call or text.” He hands me a paper with numbers scrolled on it and leaves the coffee shop.
I glower at Bella. “What the hell was that?”
“Oh, stop it. He obviously has the hots for you and you were going to say no. You need to get out and meet people. Hell, I need to get out and meet people. This is perfect.” She smiles and I want to slap it off of her.
I haven’t told her that I’m pregnant. Hell, I haven’t told a soul that I am, and going out drinking is not my idea of fun.
“I’m not interested in him Bella. I’m taking a break from guys at least for a while.” A long while once they find out that I’m about to be a mom.
“You got one at home?” Bella questions and my eyes widen. We’ve talked a little about the club and my life there, but never has she asked me if there was a man in my
life and I’m not sure I want to answer her.
A baby in the distance begins crying and my eyes dart to the sound. A young mother a little older than myself pulls a small infant from a car seat. The baby’s covered in pink from head to toe and screaming like a banshee. I watch in awe as the mom stands with the baby and lays a blanket out on the table. She begins doing this weird magic thing where she wraps the baby up binding its hands and legs together. When she picks her up, she looks like a little burrito all nice, snug and tight. Whatever mom magic she just did, instantly has the baby calm, not even a whimper.
The mom bounces softly as she looks down at her baby, love just pouring out of her eyes. My heart constricts at the sight. I catch my hand quickly not wanting to touch my stomach in public, but everything inside of me is yearning to feel the baby inside of me.
I will do anything and everything for it.
“Hello!” Bella’s voice snaps, pulling me back to her. “Where did you go?”
It takes me a couple of beats before I register her words. “I’m here. Sorry.”
“So you obviously have a man at home.” She muses.
“I had one, but it didn’t work out.” That’s putting it mildly.
“Do tell.”
“Really it’s not something I talk about.” I look down at my mug willing Bella to drop it, but knowing she won’t.
“Tell me.” The tone is stern and absolute.
I sigh. “His name is G.T. I’ve been in love with him since we were kids, but it didn’t work out. Now I’m here and he’s there. It’s what’s best for everyone.”
“Why is that?”
My head begins to ache and I rub my eyes, letting out a deep breath. “G.T. has made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me.” Or anything I’m associated with. “I refuse to beg him to love me. I refuse to grovel at his feet. I’m not that woman. It’s his choice and since that’s what he chose, we both have to live with those consequences.”
