by Ryan Michele
“Not at all.”
As we walk, I continue eating, trying to ease the ache in my stomach. Jace talks about his classes and asks with interest about mine. Our conversation is casual and easy flowing. One thing that I’ve really grown to like about Jace is how easy it is to talk with him.
I yawn, “I’m really tired all of the sudden. I think it’s all the studying.” I smile softly.
“No problem. I gotta get in the shower and clean up.” He smirks walking off to his place.
Entering my apartment a huge wave of exhaustion overtakes me. I crawl into my bed feeling the cool sheets hug my body and fall fast asleep.
Hurt. Pain. Hurt. My body tosses and turns on its own accord not being able to get comfortable. My bed feels like a layer of rocks instead of its normal softness. I try to wake up from this horrible dream, from this horrible pain. But can’t.
I move from side to side trying to get comfortable, but it’s impossible. My eyes shoot open quickly and I immediately know the pain is not a dream. It is full out cramping in my stomach, my hands moving to clutch it. I quickly move the covers, but see nothing amiss. My gut is telling me something is wrong, very wrong.
I slowly get up each movement adding to the already agonizing pain inside. Add to that the frantic fear and I’m lucky I can even move to the bathroom. Pulling down my pants, my underwear is covered in blood. “What the hell!” I scream and panic overtakes me. My baby.
As quick as I can, I throw the pants and underwear off of me and search for my phone. I need to find Bella. She can help me. I dial her number and it instantly goes into voice mail. A cramp hits so powerfully, I drop the phone and hear it clatter to the ground. I double over for a few minutes grabbing on to the counter top so I don’t fall until the pain slightly subsides.
I slowly put on new underwear and pants, trying to figure out how to get to the hospital. Jace. Reaching down for my phone, I scream as the pain slices again through me, the pain bringing me to my knees on the floor as the crash to the tile. I reach for my phone and dial Jace’s number. He answers on the first ring. Thank you.
“This is a nice surprise. See aren’t you glad I gave you my number?” I do not have time for his smooth talking and cut him off abruptly.
“I need you to get over here now and get me to the hospital. I’m pregnant, about 12-13 weeks. I’m bleeding and in a lot of pain. Please hurry.” I beg him, tears begin rolling down my face at the realization of what may be happening right now. Before I even get the last words out, loud banging echoes through the apartment.
“I’m coming. It’s taking me a bit to get to the door.” I say grabbing every bit of strength to get up off the floor. I grip my stomach and trying to walk as fast as I can, yet not nearly fast enough each step sending shooting pains through my body.
“Take your time and breathe. I’ll get you to the hospital.” His voice is calm and sure as he speaks to me through the door. I feel anything but.
I twist the locks on the door and open it wide. “Shit.” He mutters, his eyes grow wide with panic as they trail up and down my body. “Come here.” He picks me up in his arms, holds me close to his body on the elevator ride down and places me into his car. “Breathe. I’ll get you there.”
I bite my lip trying not to scream, but the pain is so intense, like nothing I’ve ever felt before, take cramping times a thousand. I close my eyes and rest my head on the seat biting back as much of the pain as I can. Jace doesn’t say a word, he just drives… Fast, but everything is a blur to me.
Entering the ER, I tell the doctors and nurses in a rush as much as I can and they begin checking me from head to toe. They place me on a bed with wheels and move me here and there all the while my hands gripping my stomach tightly. The room they put me in is white and cold and IV’s are placed in my arms and big machines that make lots of noises are brought in. They make Jace wait outside the room and I am utterly alone.
Tears stream uncontrollably down my face. I know my baby is gone. Deep down, I can feel the loss already.
After what feels like hours, the doctor pulls his chair up to the side of my bed and sits next to my head. “Ms. Alexander. I’m very sorry, but the baby didn’t make it. At this time, we don’t know why or if there is a reason you miscarried.” Sobs escape my throat; my chest tightens to the point where I cannot breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating… dying. “I need to go in and do a D&C. That’s where I go in and clean up your uterus.”
“No!” I scream loud. “You are not taking my baby out of me!” I pull away from him and try to get up from the table, but the wires and tubes coming out of my body slow me down. I begin pulling them off of my body in a panic, the plastic foreign to my touch.
The doctor stands over me grabbing my arms. “Ms. Alexander. You must calm down. We must do the procedure, there is no choice.” His voice is trying to soothe me, but nothing will at this point.
I stare at him fear ripping through me, my arms wrapping around my stomach. I never even told the father the baby existed and now it’s gone. Gone, just like my Dad.
“I’m going to have the nurse give you something to settle you.” I continue to stare at the man, my mind coming up a big blank canvas, void and nothingness. I don’t have the will to stop him or argue with him anymore. I just don’t care. If my baby’s gone, I have nothing.
“I’m so sorry Casey.” Jace’s voice whispers in my ear. I feel his hand rubbing the top of mine and I slowly open my eyes, the realization of what just happened hits me like a Mac truck.
I yank my hand from his placing both of them over my face and sob, uncontrollably. I pour every bit of sadness, frustration and longing into the tears that go on forever. I just can’t stop.
I feel Jace by me, but I do not acknowledge him. I don’t want him anywhere near me right now. I don’t want anyone. I don’t need anyone.
The door bursts open, but I don’t bother looking, instead I try my best to curl up in a ball, tucking my feet to my chest. The pain is there, but this time I welcome it. At least I can feel something.
“Oh my God!” Bella’s voice comes closer and she slides up to me, my eyes only seeing a blur of her from the water encasing them. “I’m so sorry babe. I wish you would have told me.”
I continue to sob my words coming out choked. “It doesn’t matter. It’s gone. Everything is gone.”
Bella lays her body next to mine and hugs me while I continue to sob.
Riding. It’s the only time my mind is free from all the bullshit that clouds my life. Weaving in and out of the winding roads, feeling the breeze slamming my face washes away all the grisly, if only for a moment.
Riding lets me be free.
Some compare riding to sex, for me its better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in for a good fuck, but even in the throes of lust, my mind doesn’t shut the fuck up. Sex subdues it, but it’s always there, mocking me, throwing all the shit I’ve done since I was thirteen in my face. The death and destruction are always there on the forefront mocking me.
There has only been one time in my life that sex was amazing. Where the act of sex actually shut off all the thoughts and let me live in a specific moment. But she is too good for an asshole like me. She deserves all the roses and sunshine bullshit that I can never give her. She’s different from my sister, Princess. Even though she grew up in the club, she’s not hardened by it. She’s tough, don’t get me wrong, but she is soft where Princess is rough. I didn’t want to break it off with her and when I did it wasn’t right, but I fully believe I did it to protect her in the long run. From me. Now, she hates me with every fiber in her being and it’s best to keep it that way.
Ravage MC is my life. It is what I’ve been born and bred to do, to uphold and to protect. Outsiders say that I’m a poor boy whose dad thrust him into a life giving him no choice. Bullshit. There is always a choice. So what? I learned more at thirteen about the real world than most of those fucks know now. I know more about running businesses, making money and protecting what’s min
e than any of them and how to be successful at it. I may never have a college degree, but I make damn good money.
My brothers have my back at every turn and I can always count on them. How many people can say their family would do that for them? Not many.
This life is what I wanted. Everyone else can just go fuck themselves if they have a problem with it because it’s their problem, not mine.
Pops did lay down ground rules for me though before I could become a brother of Ravage. One, I had to have my high school diploma in my hand. Two, I had to be legal.
In actuality, I have been prospecting since thirteen; I just didn’t realize it at the time. Each menial task; such as cleaning up from parties or the shit on the bathroom floor were tests from the brothers. Whenever Pops told me to do something, I did it, no complaints. When I turned eighteen, I finally got my official Prospect rag. The party that night kicked fucking ass. I’d never been so happy and knee deep in pussy in my entire life.
After receiving my diploma, my graduation party turned into a full out club meeting with my official rag being placed on my back. Best fucking day ever.
Turning around the last bend with Dagger and Rhys by my side, the warehouse comes into view. Dewey is a supplier that we moved shit for throughout southern Georgia. I was going to come alone considering our long relationship with him, but after the ambush when we met Ransom and his crew, Diamond didn’t want any of us going alone.
Scoping out the area, only three bikes sit in front of the old dilapidated warehouse, one I recognize immediately as Dewey’s. Parking and keeping an eye on everything around us, Dagger and Rhys move right by my side.
“You ready for this shit?” Dagger asks looking at the door, his piece clutched in his hand.
“Yeah.” I grunt, clutching mine as well. One can never be too careful these days. Turning the handle, the doors creak announcing our arrival. Guns up, three men instantly grab their pieces aiming them at our heads. Dewey smiles and begins to lower his. Searching the building, no other people are present except for some poor motherfucker strapped with chains on his wrists and hanging from a makeshift beam on the ceiling. Interesting.
Holding my hands up, I place my gun back in my rag motioning for the brothers to do the same. Dewey’s crew follows. “What’s going on?” I clip at the man walking towards me with his arm extended to shake my hand.
Extending my hand to his grasp, he said, “G.T. nice to see you. Sorry about our company up there. The boys were just having some fun with their toy before we cut him loose.”
Releasing him, I cross my arms over my chest and widen my stance as I tower over him. “What do you need to see us about that couldn’t be discussed over the phone?” Dewey’s straggly blonde hair comes down to his chin, tats lining his wrists and shoulders. He is not imposing, but that’s a hard task for anyone to be for me. Over the years, my resolve has hardened to any of that bullshit.
“New shipment. Guy I know wants two more runs a month.” I stare at him, waiting, and my mind instantly running our monthly drop schedule. “It’ll be a lot. You’d need your whole crew, but it’ll only be a day ride. Best part, 300k in your pocket each run.”
“What exactly will we be running?” Dewey snaps his finger as one of the goons who are playing with his hanging meal comes up carrying a duffle bag. Dewey bends down opening the bag. Fuck. Looking at Dagger and Rhys, their eyes dance saying the same thing.
“I’ll run it by Diamond and get back to ya. Anything else?” I ask needing to get the hell out of there, just looking at what is in the duffle, will get us all thrown in prison for a long time and I’m not ready to put my ass on the line for this shit yet.
“I need to know by next month. If you don’t want it, I gotta find other ways.” Find other ways my ass. We are his only way and he damn well knows that shit. I fucking hate games, but that’s how the world works. Everyone tries to one up ya, but Ravage does not get one-upped. Dewey may need a reminder of that.
Smirking to my brothers, I nod my chin dismissing the meeting.
These runs for Dewey are huge. All of us will be set for a long time with this amount of cash, but the risk is huge. Not only will every member of Ravage be on the transport, if caught, it will wipe us out, hard. I’m all about the cash, but my gut is screaming that something is wrong, and my gut has never let me down yet.
I’ll put it out there at church and figure it out from there, but we will need lots of intel before we attempt this one.
The ride back is smooth, but my mind continuously drifts back to the one woman that plagues me. I should be happy she left to start her own life. Happy that she is going to school to better herself. Happy that she is finding a life that makes her happy. But deep down, I’m not. I’m a fucking selfish prick and even though I pushed her away, I want her home. I can’t keep my fucking eyes on her up there and even if I have no damn right, I don’t want to care.
Casey has turned me inside out since we were kids. Growing up alongside each other had its ups and downs. Ups when she actually paid me a lick of attention instead of seeing me as her best friend’s kid brother, what a fucking pussy. And downs when she avoided me like the plague. I still remember her walking in on me fucking one of the club mommas, fuck if I even knew her name or wanted to. The light in Casey’s eyes shattered right before me and I didn’t do a fucking thing to fix it. I never thought she actually wanted me until that moment, but I was a fucking moron to never act on it.
Watching her walk around the club in those short ass shorts and hearing hear laugh was the most beautiful torture I could have. I could have fucked her at any time, just for the fun of it, but Casey has never been that type of girl. I never wanted her to be that type of girl and I damn well would have beaten the living shit out of anyone who treated her that way.
One day when I was younger, Bam caught me one day watching Casey. I didn’t realize I was doing that shit, but I couldn’t stop myself. He sat next to me and his words have stuck in my head since he said them. ‘Son, until you’re ready to be the man that she needs you to, stay away from her. She is not a piece of ass to anyone. She’s too smart for that, I made sure of it. Once you know that you are man enough for my girl, then you will deserve her.’
Being man enough isn’t the problem, it’s being able to give her the life that she deserves. I never asked her if she wanted this life, my life.
Even if it killed my heart to do it. Every woman I’ve been with was just a warm body. What Casey doesn’t know and I sure as shit would never tell her… Is her face is the only one I saw. How fucked up is that? I couldn’t tell you their names or what they looked like… nothing. Nothing at all. All I see is Casey’s beautiful green eyes sparkling at me. Sick. Fucking sick. One of the reasons she’s better off without me.
When Bam died, I was the one who told her. Princess was a fucking wreck and couldn’t keep her shit together long enough to get it out. When Casey melted in my fucking arms, she stayed there for a week. I busted my fucking ass to make sure she was okay. I even fucking cooked for her ass. At times, it was like taking care of a child, but I fucking loved every minute of it, even if I never told her.
It was during that week that I knew I had to keep Casey at a distance or shit would get bad. A man can only hold back for so long and I kept telling myself it was for her own good, but damn it was hard.
A year and a half after Bam died Princess went to prison for blackmail, which we knew she didn’t do, Casey was a fucking mess again, but this time, I stayed away. I knew one look in those green eyes would have me wanting to protect her ass all over again. And I didn’t think this time I’d be able to hold back. I caught her crying outside the shop several times, but stayed away.
When I saw Tug comforting her, it fucking killed me because it should have been me. I couldn’t watch it. I jumped on my bike and rode trying to get my head on straight. Problem was it wasn’t. Nothing is straight where Casey is concerned. While I should have been fucking ecstatic to have cash in my pocket, po
wer and pussy everywhere, I’m fucking miserable and I need to accept that.
I continually did my fucking job with the brothers and did it well. Pops and Diamond have set me up several times over the years in situations to see how I’d react and what I’d do. They didn’t think I fucking knew… But I did. I may not have gone to college, but that doesn’t mean I’m fucking stupid, especially when it comes to this life. Every test they have put me through is all leading up to the day when I’m at Pops side. Sitting at the side of the table with Pops at the head, when the time came. It is our legacy.
When my Pa, Striker died, Diamond took over. He was Striker’s Vice President and that’s how it worked. Diamond was voted in and that was that. I’ve never asked how Pops felt about that, but I knew there were no hard feelings between the two men, just by watching them over the years. But I knew that one day, he’d like to be sitting in that head spot, just like his father. So everything since I was thirteen years old has been preparing me for that day. And I’m more than ready for it when the time comes. I’m in no hurry. I have plenty of time.
One night when I got back from one of Diamond and Pops’ tests, I was a fucking mess. I never let it show to the brothers, holding it tight never showing weakness. But that shit wears on a man sometimes. Taking another’s life was never easy, even if they fucking deserved it. I remember the night when I got my first taste of my Angel.
Parking my bike, I see Casey still busy at work on one of the engines in the shop. With it being so late, it actually surprises me she is still around and I really don’t want to see her. Every time I did, it’s just a reminder of what I can’t have.
After parking and taking off my lid, I glance over to Casey. Her knee is hoisted on top of the car body while her other foot rests flat on the ground. Her body slowly turned to me as if she could tell I was looking at her. Meeting her eyes, I feel paralyzed. Fuck. Casey smiles that megawatt smile of hers and nods her head up in the air to me.
