by Jay Quinn
Austin almost had drifted off to sleep when he heard the laughter. The sound was bright and derisive, cutting sharply over the susurrant sound of the waves. He opened his eyes and through the sudden glare caught sight of two teenaged boys walking by. When they were even with where he sat, one shoved the other toward him. “Here, faggot. This guy’s looking for a special friend.”
The boy who’d been shoved looked at Austin and lisped, “I like guys too.”
“Fuck, you kid,” Austin said irritably.
The boys stopped and took a threatening step forward. “I bet you’d like that, faggot,” the shover said.
Austin clenched his beer and angrily retorted, “Ask my wife, punk.”
“Wife?” The lisper said and laughed. “Does she know you’re here with your pussy-boy?”
Austin got to his feet, damning the sharp creak in his forty-year-old knees. “Watch your mouth, asshole. I’ll beat your head in.”
The shover moved forward as lithely as a powerful cat and once more shoved his friend out of the way, “Oh yeah? Well bring it, fudgepacker,” he challenged.
“C’mon, man,” the lisper urged and grabbed his shoulder. “It ain’t worth it.”
Shrugging off his friend’s grasp, the kid took another step toward Austin and said, “Bring it, bitch. I’ll fuck you up.”
Wearily, Rory got neatly to his feet, a beer bottle already in his hand. He locked eyes with the shover and pulled the bottle out of its cozy. He just dismissively glanced at the lisper and transferred the bottle to his other hand, gripping it by the neck.
“C’mon, man,” the lisper urged once more. “You made your fucking point. Quit fooling around.”
The shover lunged once more, pulling a punch. When neither Austin nor Rory flinched, he hesitated, then spat. “I want to kill you gay motherfuckers,” he hissed.
“And I want to see you eat this beer bottle, dickwad.” Rory said casually. “I wonder what those big cocksucker lips of yours would look like wrapped around it.”
The boy hesitated at the unscripted reference to his own appearance, and for an instant a flicker of hurt crossed his unsure face before he went back to trying to look murderous.
The lisper simply looked from Rory to Austin, and then, apparently deciding the two older men were capable of taking him and his friend, turned and walked away. As he moved into the other boy’s peripheral vision, the shover glanced his way and turned to follow him. “You’re lucky this time, faggots.”
Rory laughed. “Yeah, yeah. You suck my dick, you little bitch.”
The boy trotted backwards for a moment and yelled, “You better not be here when I come back, pussy.” With that, he turned and trotted away toward his friend’s receding back.
Unimpressed, Rory sat back down on his blanket and casually opened the cooler and dropped the empty beer bottle in.
Austin stood looking down at him. “You really handled that well.”
Rory shrugged and smiled. “Believe it or not, when Bruno’s being an asshole, he’s also being a good teacher. I can talk shit right up there with the best of them.”
“Yeah,” Austin countered, “But when it comes down to business, how are you?”
Rory looked up at him and gave him a frankly appraising look. “I would have done my best to break that beer bottle across his front teeth.”
“Doesn’t shit like that ever get to you?” Austin asked incredulously.
Rory smiled. “It wasn’t meant to get to me. It was meant to get to you. And I think they pretty much succeeded. You’re shaking. “
Austin looked down at the beer bottle still clutched in his hand. It was trembling violently. He hadn’t come this close to an actual fight since he was a freshman in high school. Adrenaline, sparked by a long-dormant fight-or-flight reaction, pumped from the recesses of the most primitive part of his brain, had flooded his body.
“Never let ’em smell fear, Austin.” Rory said solemnly. “Oh, and if you’re going to use a beer bottle as a weapon, you need to remember to take the cozy off first. If you don’t, it just bounces off their heads.”
Austin felt the adrenaline-triggered trembling reach his legs. Embarrassed by it, he hid the reaction by sitting on his own beach towel. “You seem to know a lot about getting in fights for a gay guy,” he said to Rory sarcastically.
“I played in a lot of rough clubs back in the Bad Halen days,” Rory laughed and shoved Austin’s shoulder. That physical contact initiated by Rory shot across his skin like electricity. Austin couldn’t tell if it was because he’d gotten too much sun, or if he welcomed the touch. “Are you ready to head back to the ’burbs, or do you want to hang around and wait for the tough guy to come back?” Rory asked.
“I want to watch you kick his ass,” Austin said tiredly.
Rory snorted. “There’s a big difference between talking shit and stepping in it, big guy. It’s getting late. We need to head home.” With that Rory stood and bent to gather his beach towel.
Austin watched him as he raised the fabric into the wind and let the sand that clung to its damp surface fly free. A mild scent of sun and flesh and some deeper calling note blew toward Austin, and he found himself inhaling it deeply. He knew it was Rory he smelled, and somehow it stirred a yearning to breathe it in more deeply. Austin stood and simply gathered his own towel into a wad while Rory folded his carefully. Austin picked up the beer cooler with his free hand and looked at Rory with a sense that what his face said was too telling. “Rory, what would you say if…”
Rory looked at the riot passing across Austin’s face and waited for him to finish. Finally, he prompted, “If what?”
Austin looked away and said, “Nothing.” He looked at Rory once more, searchingly, but only said, “Are you okay? Are you good to drive?”
Rory caught the look on his face and visibly seemed taken aback. “I’m good,” he replied confusedly and waited for Austin to say more. Instead Austin nodded curtly and headed to the parking lot. Rory waited for a moment and thought about calling Austin back. Instead he watched his tall, broad’ shouldered form stride away with a measured dignity and reserve.
Austin felt Rory’s eyes on his back, and couldn’t bear the scrutiny. He stopped and turned asking, “You coming or what?”
Rory nodded and offered him a smile before he followed along behind.
Their ride back was subdued for the first few miles. Rory adjusted the volume and tunes to something right for the end of a time playing hooky than leaving for its beginning. They rode through Dania and took in the last of the decrepit buildings left from a time when Federal Highway in the town was a beach road and not merely a thoroughfare along a forgotten place between Hollywood and the airport. At the traffic lights, Austin either stared straight ahead or pretended to be interested in the traffic outside his window. It wasn’t until they hit the on-ramp for I-595 that he felt compelled to speak.
“Rory, I can confide in you, right? I mean, I can tell you something as a friend…” he began tentatively.
Rory was distracted by traffic leaving Port Everglades. He looked in his rearview mirror and also behind him before gunning the Volvo into the right lane. Once he had made it inside, he gave Austin a quick look and an encouraging smile. “Sure, Austin. Your secret’s safe with me.”
“I hope you’re telling the truth,” Austin said seriously. “Because, this is private, personal stuff.”
Rory reached toward the dash and turned the radio’s volume low. “It’s alright, Austin, I’m a good listener, and I don’t make it a practice to tell everything I hear, okay?”
“I’m counting on that,” Austin said gravely. Then he cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, when I was a kid, fifteen, just turning sixteen really…”
“You had a buddy,” Rory encouraged him gently.
“You act like you’ve heard this before,” Austin said stiffly.
“I have,” Rory replied and gave him a smile. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. More g
uys than you think have had a buddy at some time or another. It’s okay.”
“Am I that obvious?” Austin asked miserably.
“Not at all, Austin. You’re just freaked by hanging out with me and having those dickheads call you a faggot. Let it roll off your back. They were assholes, that’s all. You remember being that age.”
Austin stared out the windshield for a mile or more. When he decided to speak, he chose his words carefully. “I do remember being that age. And I’ve been thinking I want to do it again. With you.”
Rory nodded and reached up to the sun visor and pulled out the pack of cigarettes and lighter he had stashed there. Expertly, he managed to extract a cigarette and light it using only one hand. “Austin, I…”
“I hope I haven’t offended you or pissed you off,” Austin interrupted. “It’s just that I feel like I had to say it, you know?”
Rory put the cigarette between his lips, then reached across with his free hand and patted Austin’s knee reassuringly. Austin flinched at his touch as if he’d threatened to burn him with the cigarette. Rory drew back his hand and took the cigarette from his lips. Grinning, he said, “Settle down, Austin. I wasn’t going to grab your dick or anything.” Then he laughed until Austin found himself smiling.
“So it’s okay?” Austin asked tentatively. ‘I mean me telling you that… I’m not out of line, am I?”
Rory transferred his cigarette to his other hand to steer the car with his right. He took a hit off the cigarette and flicked its ash into the wind rushing outside his window. “I’m actually flattered,” he said and gave Austin a warm smile.
“Is it something you’d think about?” Austin asked miserably.
“Well, I do like tall guys,” Rory teased.
“So you’re saying, maybe, right?”
Rory didn’t answer right away. He took his time, smoking thoughtfully. At last, he flicked his butt out the window and sighed. “I found a handful of condoms and a half-used tube of KY with Bruno’s stuff last week when he was packing to leave.”
Austin nodded and looked at him intently without saying anything for awhile. It wasn’t the direction he’d intended for the conversation to go. Rory’s aside threw him off balance. Finally, he said, “Did you say anything to him about it?”
“No,” Rory said. “I didn’t.” He glanced at Austin and then focused on the road in front of him. “Right now, I’m angry. Your timing is perfect. I could take you home and satisfy your curiosity with all the trimmings. I’d wear you out.”
“Sounds good,” Austin said. “But…”
“But that would be too easy, Austin. I have more respect for myself and for you than that.”
Austin wanted to tell him to respect him a little less, but he satisfied himself with keeping quiet and letting Rory come to that conclusion himself.
“I’ve never cheated on Bruno, Austin.”
“And I’ve never cheated on Meg, but this is different,” Austin retorted.
“Is it? How?” Rory asked quietly. “Is it different because I’m a guy or because you’re not mad at Meg?”
“Well, I don’t know… maybe it’s that since now you’re mad at Bruno, you’re scared you’d do it just because of that.” Austin said quickly, avoideding answering Rory’s question altogether. “I understand that. You see, if we ever did this together, I’d want you to get off on it, not end up being all ashamed and never talking to me again.”
Rory nodded, but didn’t say anything for awhile. “Is that what you did to your buddy all those years ago?” Rory asked quietly at last. Then he snorted and said, “That’s usually how it goes. What did he do? Did he slip up and tell you he loved you?”
Austin looked out the window and mumbled, “Something like that.” He leaned forward and fiddled with the stereo controls on the dash. “What makes you think you know so much about it?”
“Because, let me tell you something, I was your buddy a long time ago. I had an Austin when I was fifteen, got it?” He looked across the seat with a sudden rage that made Austin shrink. “I had more than one Austin. And it was Bruno who never acted like he was ashamed of me. He may act like he owns me, but he’s never turned his back on me because he was scared of what people might think, or because he’d satisfied his fucking curiosity.” And this, Rory knew, was at the heart of what he felt most privately for his partner. He told Bruno he loved him constantly because that was what Bruno wanted and needed to hear. He had no real way to tell Austin that, for himself, his real love for Bruno had become a fierce loyalty over their many years together. It was a sudden and sobering realization.
“I didn’t know, Rory. I’m sorry,” Austin said quickly, truly chastened.
Rory shook his head and stared out the windshield, stagily concentrating on his driving. After a few awkward minutes, he sighed. “No, I’m sorry Austin. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you.”
For a while, they rode without saying anything. The tension in the car’s close air dissipated somewhat, and the radio played companionably as they each found their way through their own thoughts.
As they neared the gated entrance to Venetian Vistas, Rory glanced over at Austin and once again reached to touch his knee. This time Austin didn’t flinch; in fact, he found himself spreading his legs to accommodate Rory’s touch. “This conversation isn’t over, okay?” Rory asked quietly.
“I’m glad,” Austin replied. “I didn’t want it to be.”
Rory squeezed his knee and unexpectedly ran his hand quickly up Austin’s thigh toward his crotch. Austin jerked and shifted away quickly. “Jesus, Rory!”
Rory laughed until he braked for the security gate. When it swung away before them, he looked at Austin and said, “I’m curious. Why me? Why now?”
Austin waited nervously as the gate opened automatically and Rory had driven past the guard in the gatehouse before he said, “I think you’re very attractive, and I haven’t thought about another guy that way since I was a kid. I don’t know… ,” he faltered. He looked out the window at the repetitive manicured landscaping that flowed along the street like a well-groomed stage set. “I just thought it would be kind of sexy and fun… you know, if we could just get together every once in a while and… you know, no big deal.”
Rory fought the urge to both laugh and punch Austin on the side of his head. Instead, he settled for a wry smile. “What’s a little blowjob between friends, right?”
Austin turned a deeper shade of red under his sun-flushed face. “Well, maybe just not that. I mean, I’m willing to try different things. I’d really like you to be my… to be the guy I could try them with.”
“Sorta like a sexual Disney World, right Austin?” Rory said sarcastically. “You want to visit Queer-Land and have me be your tour guide. Kinda lead you around by your dick, is that it?”
Austin covered his discomfort with a sickly grin. Again, Rory was making him feel small and uncool when he was being real. At a loss for words, he simply blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Actually, I just want to kiss you, really long and really hard for as long as I want. I want you to touch me like you really want to and don’t have to…” Austin broke off and considered how lame he sounded. “It would be so nice to have someone want to… to just be about me again.” Ashamed, he said “Aw, just forget it, man. It’s not just… well, it’s not just what you think.” Austin watched as the turn onto St. Mark’s Court loomed ahead.
Rory was taken completely off-guard by what Austin had said with such a lack of calculation. He did sound like a sincere kid, not a horny middle-aged man looking to break off a piece without any complications. Rory was undone, having suddenly come to understand much of what Austin couldn’t adequately articulate. He took his foot off the gas and slowed the car to a crawl. Just before he had to make athe turn onto their street, he stopped the car on the deserted street and looked at Austin sitting large and surprisingly vulnerable beside him. When Austin looked at him, questioning their lack of movement, Rory said, “I didn’t
know, Austin. I didn’t understand it was like that.”
Austin nodded. “Well, now you do,” he said with gruff dignity.
Rory took his foot off the brake and eased the car into the left-hand turn onto St. Mark’s Court. Looking to the left toward their waiting houses, he said, “I don’t know what to say. Maybe… maybe when it feels right, we’ll… okay?”
Austin nodded and reached across the seat to lightly lay his palm over Rory’s bare knee. “Thanks,” he said quietly.
5160 ST. MARK’S COURT
AUSTIN HAD LITTLE time to think as he picked up the boys and their carpool mates from school and drove his appointed rounds toward home. The mini-van full of boys and a single girl was loud as they became increasingly competitive in asserting minute points of opinion, arcane degrees of kewl, and inflated X-Box prowess. The lone girl, one of the Diaz clan, held her own. But it was effortless, with a knowing detachment,. She was sure in her nascent sense of her own femininity that the amount of posturing from her carpool mates was for her benefit. Between the clamour of their out-sized personalities and 99 JAMZ, the hip-hop radio station they insisted on as a soundtrack, Austin couldn’t keep a coherent line of thought in his head.
With each child that exited his mini-van, his excitement over the two small victories he’d won that day was calibrated up by a notch. When at last he’d gotten his own boys home and settled with snacks in front of their computer in the loft, he escaped to the master bath for a much- needed shower and some time alone.
Josh and Noah expressed little interest in their father’s slightly sun burned skin, or the events of his day for that matter. They were perfectly preoccupied with the stations of their own daily wind-down. Austin was able to shower in peace, and as he did, he enjoyed planning a surprise dinner for Meg. He wanted to take her someplace special, just the two of them, to celebrate the news of his triumphant return to work. He pictured her coming home tired, as she usually did, but for once there’d be no bickering about what to have for dinner. He’d order the boys Chinese delivery so they’d be happy, and he’d take Meg for a wonderful Italian dinner in Plantation, at the place they’d always loved. He sighed with pleasure at the thought as he toweled himself dry.
