by Jay Quinn
“Mama… ,” Bruno began.
“Don’t mama me,” she said dismissively as she picked up her purse and began rummaging through it. “Get on your cell phone and see if you can’t get on a flight out of here today,” she said as she pulled an ever-present pack of Virginia Slims and a lighter from her purse.
“You should really quit that nasty habit,” Bruno said. “Your voice is deeper than mine.”
Vivian laughed. “Don’t you worry about me; it’s you guys with the heart problems.” She sighed and gave him a loving look. “Look son, I’m only butting in because I’ve seen how people screw up over and over. Your daddy made my life miserable because he had the same problem keeping it zipped. That’s something else you boys inherited.” She sighed tiredly. “I stayed with him because I had to. I had four boys to raise and I couldn’t do it by myself. I owed you guys a home.”
“I know, Mama,” Bruno said gently.
“Rory doesn’t owe you, Will,” she said firmly. “Don’t fuck it up.” And she turned her back on him and walked away.
Bruno watched her leave, feeling both angered and choked with love for her. She was a pragmatist and a survivor, but she was also a mother whose plain-spoken advice, tendered with well-worn affection, had guided him and directed him all of his life. That didn’t mean Bruno didn’t resent it. As he watched her disappear from the cafeteria, he could easily imagine her standing in the cold at the entrance to the hospital, puffing away on a Virginia Slim, mentally getting him to the airport and on his way back home to Rory, where he belonged.
Chastened, Bruno did as he was told. He took his cell phone from his pocket and speed-dialed Delta Airlines. To add insult to injury, the only seat he could get was in first class for a punishing up-charge. He surrendered his credit card number to someone at the call center in Bangalore and found himself confirmed for a late evening flight. Even so, he already knew he’d get to Raleigh-Durham early and wait for a standby seat. Suddenly, all he wanted to be was home.
With that bit of business accomplished, he placed his cell phone on the table and picked up what was left of his banana. He bit it and chewed slowly, stalling to make time before he called Rory to let him know he was on his way home. Glancing at his watch, he saw it was after eleven. Even if Rory had been out walking Bridget when he’d called earlier, he was sure to be home by now. Still holding his banana in one hand, he picked up his cell phone with the other and nimbly dialed the familiar number with his thumb. The line rang four times before he heard his own cocksure voice. “You have reached the home of Rory Fallon and Will Griffin. We’re not available to take your call… if you want, you know what to do.”
ST. MARK’S COURT
THE SEX ITSELF had been more remarkable for its novelty than for performance. While Rory put his best encouraging lies into it, and Austin attacked him greedily, it was no more than a disjointed dream for Rory and a personal proof of prowess for Austin. If they had been total strangers, it would have been no less intimate or disconnected. Afterwards, they had little to say to each other. The room didn’t invite depth of feelings; it was merely the locus of sex. It wasn’t a place for deepening friendship; it was a place for shameful coupling and rough touch. It wasn’t until they had showered separately and got back on the road that any real connection, other than physical, returned between them.
Austin cleared his throat nervously. “Was I any good?” he asked.
Rory reached across the small space between them and touched Austin lightly on the arm. “You were there with me. I hope you could tell, dude.”
Austin nodded and gave him a grateful smile. “It was pretty damn good,” he said.
Rory stretched. “You should be pleased with yourself,” he said and laughed.
Austin laughed as well and drummed nervously on the steering wheel. “I just didn’t want you to feel like you’d made some kind of mistake or anything,” he said, suddenly sober.
“I don’t feel that way at all, Austin.”
“Good,” Austin said confidently. “I just want you to know I don’t feel like I’ve made any mistake.” He stole a glance at Rory. “I really had a good time.”
Rory nodded. “I’m glad, Austin. I didn’t want you to blame me if you had any regrets later.”
“No way,” Austin said, then added sincerely, “I’m just scared a little that it might get out of hand. My feelings about you are getting pretty strong.”
Rory sighed. “We can’t make this bigger than it is, Austin. Please be careful.”
Austin hesitated, then said, “Still, I fucked you. I’m not some jerk who goes around trying to get laid whenever he can. I want you to understand that. You’re pretty special to me. I’m not just doing this because I’m curious, you know,” he looked at Rory for emphasis.
To Rory it was obvious that Austin cared what he thought. He searched for something reassuring to say in return, but he was scared of saying too much. What Rory was afraid of was his lack of feelings for Austin, not any excessive emotion. “You’re a good friend, Austin,” he said finally, hoping that would be everything Austin needed to hear.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Austin replied quickly. “Since I met you, I realized I don’t really have any friends, no guys anyway. When I was working in an office, I had a lot of people I knew and liked, but work friends aren’t really close, are they?”
“No. I don’t suppose they are,” Rory said quietly.
“All these months I’ve been working at home, I realized I didn’t have a single friend I could just bullshit with, or talk to about something other than my wife and kids. It’s like nobody knows me.”
To Rory, Austin sounded more vulnerable and lonely than he could have ever imagined. It dawned on him exactly what his first sexual experience with another guy far in his past had really meant to him. Rory thought of what Austin must have felt back then. Carefully, he said, “I think I understand what you mean. I don’t mean to harp on this, okay? It’s just that when I was a kid, like you were, I met this guy named Scott. I felt this really close connection to another person for the first time in my life. It was like he really knew me, and he fascinated me as well. You know how it is when you’re a young guy. You have all these things that you’re figuring out on your own about yourself… about the world. It’s very lonely because you don’t re ally feel like you can share them, or you just haven’t learned how, and then along comes somebody who wants to hear what you have to say… and who wants to fuck you too…”
“Exactly!” Austin said excitedly. “That’s just the same way it was for me.” Austin looked at Rory and grinned. “I knew you got it. I knew it.”
“But life never stops making you lonely, does it?” Rory said and looked away out the window. The road ran in a straight line along canals lined with cypress and live oak. In all its grandeur, the Everglades looked as solitary as he felt inside, despite the fact that he understood so much about Austin. “I mean, even if you’re married or have been with someone a long time. You still keep learning things about yourself that you can’t share…”
Austin nodded sagely. “Sometimes I think marriage can be the loneliest place in the world.” He glanced at Rory only to find him looking out his window, withdrawn deeply inside himself, even in the small confines of the car. Austin felt a deep tenderness for his neighbor settle over him. He couldn’t help it; he felt the need to say, “I don’t feel so lonely with you.”
Rory was still for a moment and then rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Don’t make me love you, Austin.”
“Don’t friends love each other, Rory?” Austin asked defensively to hide his sudden hurt.
“Yes, I guess straight friends do, in a different kind of way,” Rory said. “But you straight guys come with brakes. The problem is, I’m gay. I don’t have the brakes you do. That’s how I’ve gotten hurt before.”
“But can’t you keep it casual?” Austin asked anxiously. “I know you love Bruno. And I love Meg. This thing… this thing between you and me
. It doesn’t have to get in the way of that. It can’t.”
Rory gave him a sad smile and nodded. “I know, Austin. I know.”
“I don’t see why we can’t just be best friends, close buddies,” Austin offered pleadingly.
“Because we’re not sixteen anymore, that’s why,” Rory said irritably. “We’re adults. We’ve mixed sex with love and friendship and had it work in a mature way. We can’t go back to buddies messing around and sharing dirty secrets.”
“But you like me fucking you,” Austin said smugly. “I made you come twice today. We already are sharing some pretty dirty secrets.”
Unexpectedly, Rory laughed. “I guess we do, Austin. You’re right, buddy. We do.”
Austin was confused by his laughter. He stole a glance at him to make sure he wasn’t making fun of him. He found Rory looking at him with what he took for affection. “Look, Rory. I’m just saying this doesn’t have to be some psychodrama. I like it when we do it. I know you do too. Can’t we just keep it simple and have a good time? Give me a chance to be your friend, man.”
“Butt-buddies,” Rory said with a smile.
“If you want to put it that way,” Austin said stiffly.
“I don’t know if I’m any good at being friends with another guy,” Rory admitted honestly. “It’s pretty hard for me to spit your come out of my mouth and then just act like you’re some guy who lives next door.”
“What about me?” Austin said angrily. “Do you think I can just have sex with you and not care anything about you? Give me a little credit for being a decent guy… for having some respect, for chrissakes.”
Rory shifted uncomfortably in his seat and said, “I do give you credit for that. You’ve been one of the most decent guys I’ve ever met.”
“Well that’s fucking good news, Rory,” Austin replied petulantly, “because your opinion of most men is pretty damn low. I wish I knew the guys you’d slept with before Bruno, because I’d beat the shit out of them for making you so scared to have any friends.”
Rory said nothing in reply.
Austin took his quiet for hurt and immediately felt ashamed to have hit so below the belt. “Will you just trust me to be your fiend, Rory?”
“You sure make me want to,” Rory answered quietly.
“Good,” Austin said firmly. “Because a friend doesn’t fuck up your life or make things difficult for you. For once in your life, I’m going to prove that to you.”
Rory watched out his window and caught sight of the many alligators sunning themselves on the dry banks of the canal that ran alongside the road. Each lay out of range of threat or contact with any others, despite how close to each other they appeared. They were dark sketches of danger and solitude, frightening in their stillness for the knowledge of how quickly they could lunge and kill. It was hard for Rory to forget that.
We’re moving toward the center of things now, he thought. He knew that soon the open grasslands of the Everglades would spread out around the road and the sun would lie open and honest over the river of grass. Before long, they would be back at Venetian Vistas, and he had little choice other than to believe the man who was driving them back home.
Fundamentally, he knew Austin meant what he said. It wasn’t Austin’s boundaries he feared, it was his own. For so long he’d kept his distance to ensure he wouldn’t be caught in the teeth of caring too much about anyone else. Bruno was a different case altogether. Bruno made it easy for Rory to withdraw and feel safe. Nothing would ever come before his gratefulness for that. Not even Austin. Safe with Bruno at the gate, Rory would never let anyone in to gain any real knowledge of who he was.
Rory sighed inwardly. With complete understanding he realized he’d taken advantage of Austin the way he’d been taken advantage of himself. He’d slept with him and was more than ready now to simply walk away. With his curiosity satisfied, Austin was now no more than a burdensome responsibility. Rory looked across the car and watched the man as he drove. He was in many ways no more than an emotional sixteen-year-old. He was searching in Rory to relive an uncomplicated genuine emotional attachment he’d had when he was just learning to connect with another human being.
Austin felt him looking at him and turned his head and smiled. With unabashed tenderness, he reached across the seats and took Rory’s hand. For a moment, he ran his thumb over Rory’s fingers and then squeezed his hand before letting it go and returning his attention to his driving.
“I’m going to try and be a good friend, Austin,” Rory said knowing all the while that being the best friend he could be would involve letting this lonely, kind man go as gently as he could.
“I’m glad,” Austin said happily, “because I like you a lot.”
5160 ST. MARK’S COURT
WHEN HE TURNED onto their street, Austin saw Meg’s Range Rover in the drive. For a moment, he panicked. It was still early afternoon; it should have been hours before she got home. Rory looked carefully at his own drive and said nothing. Deciding he had nothing to be ashamed of, Austin clenched his jaw and drove straight into his own drive and tried his best to give Rory a more significant goodbye with his eyes than he could manage to articulate. Rory gave him a kind smile in return and let himself quietly out of the car. Austin stole a look at him as he crossed the sidewalk to his own front door and let himself in. Once he had, Austin removed his briefcase from the backseat, got out and closed his door. Resolutely, he made his way into the house only to be greeted by an accusing silent emptiness.
“Meg?” he called. “Meg?” When his only response was more silence and quiet, he set his briefcase by the closest chair in the living room and looked around. He caught sight of her lying on a lounge chair by the pool. By all appearances, she looked sound asleep. He sighed with relief and made his way to the family room. Gently, he opened the sliding glass door to the pool deck and said softly once more, “Meg?”
She smiled before she stretched and opened her eyes. “Hello, sweetheart. What time is it?”
“Just after two,” Austin said and stepped outside.
Meg yawned and gave him a smile. “No kiss for your wife?”
Austin walked to her and bent over to kiss her quickly before stepping away and sitting down in a chair a few feet away. “What on earth are you doing home so early?” I smell like hotel soap, he thought guiltily. How in the hell can I explain that?
“I had a particularly successful morning,” she said with a smirk of satisfaction. “I managed to get an apology from the IRS, in writing, on that case that’s been driving me crazy. So I decided to take a partner’s prerogative and give myself the afternoon off.”
Austin whistled appreciatively. “That’s a big fat deal, darling. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks!” Meg said proudly. “Do you have to pick the kids up today?”
Austin nodded and glanced at his watch. “Yes, and I need to grab a quick shower. The air-conditioner quit on the way over this morning,” he lied neatly. “I smell like a pig.”
“Did everything go well with your big order?” Meg asked solicitously.
Austin stood and grinned nervously. “Yes ma’am. And for once I’ll get paid for all the bullshit, and very well, I might add.”
“Excellent!” Meg said happily. “Look, I thought I’d go with you to pick up the kids. After we drop the other ones off, I was thinking maybe we could grab an early dinner and take them to the movies or something.”
“On a school night?” Austin asked incredulously. “Where is my wife and what have you done with her?”
Meg laughed. “Oh, I’m only the bitch some of the time. Today I’m trying to be one of the guys.”
Impulsively, Austin wanted to hug her, but he checked himself, fearful of his guilty scent. “Can you be ready in ten minutes?” he said tenderly instead.
“All I have to do is put on my shoes,” Meg answered with a smile.
“Damn,” Austin said. “Are you sure you’re my wife and not a pod person?”
“Austin,
sit down for a minute,” Meg said seriously.
“Look hon, I really want to get a shower,” Austin insisted.
“Fine, go,” Meg said. “But I just want you to understand something. I know I’ve been preoccupied with work and I know I haven’t re ally been fair or maybe acted like I just wasn’t very excited about you going back to work in Boca, but I love you. You know that, right?”
“I know,” he said. “But I want you to understand that I know I’ve been really disconnected ever since… well, since they let me go. Now that I’m going back, not only vindicated but in a better position, well… I just feel more like…”
“More like the head of the house?” Meg asked gently.
“Yeah, I guess that’s part of it,” Austin admitted.
“Austin, I’m really sorry for making you doubt that you are the man of the house.” Meg said with genuine regret. “It’s just that I want so much for us as a family. I know I push and push and push, but I… I just can’t help it sometimes, you know?”
“I know Meg, but you’ve got to look how far we’ve come.” Austin responded quickly. “Look at our kids, this house. I know we wouldn’t be here or have what we have if it had been up to me, but…” he said and faltered.
“But?” Meg said quietly.
“But it’s not worth any fucking thing if we lose each other in the process,” Austin concluded.
“I know,” Meg said sadly. “I want us to be friends again. I’m tired of all the sniping. I’m tired of feeling like I’m way over there,” she said, pointing behind her to the inside of the house, “and you’re way over there,” she said pointing toward Rory’s house.
Her gesture gave Austin a jolt. He stood silently for a moment looking at her before he said, “I’m right here, Meg. And I’m not going anywhere.”
