by Jay Quinn
“That’s only a couple of weeks,” Austin said blankly.
“My god,” Meg said sympathetically. “Have you even found a place to move to?”
“Not yet,” Bruno said optimistically. “That’s why we need a favor. Rory and I are flying up to Charleston tomorrow to go house hunting. We’re going to be up there until we find a place. We’re wondering if you guys would get in our mail while we’re gone.”
“Certainly,” Meg said firmly. “But what about your dog?”
“Bridget’s boarding at her vet’s,” Rory explained. “I took her in this afternoon.”
“That’s a relief,” Meg laughed. “I have to admit I’m scared to death of her.”
Rory smiled and stood. “We wouldn’t ask you to look after her. She’s old, but she can still be a handful.”
“Where are you going?” Bruno asked him.
“Actually, I’m going outside to smoke,” Rory said defiantly.
“I’ll go out with you and keep you company,” Austin said quickly and stood as well.
Bruno glanced sharply at Austin, then imperiously waved Rory away, and said, “Go on then and have your cigarette.”
“Austin, if you don’t mind, you guys go out on the lawn,” Meg said dismissively. “No more butts in my hibiscus pots, okay?”
Rory walked toward the door to the pool deck, already drawing his pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. Austin moved along at his heels.
“Rory,” Bruno said quickly. “Don’t forget to give Austin the key to the front door while you’re out there.”
In reply, Rory jammed his hand in his front pants pocket and drew out a lone key on a key ring. He held it aloft for Bruno to see as he walked out the door. Once Austin had followed him out and closed the door behind them, Rory gave him a rueful smile and handed him the key.
Austin took the key and shoved it into his pants pocket without looking at it. He looked at Rory instead until Rory turned away and led them from the pool deck and deep into the backyard. Once they reached the edge of the canal, Rory stopped and lit his cigarette. Austin watched the flame flare in his eyes, and Rory looked at him as he drew the small glow into the cigarette’s tip. Even when Rory allowed the lighter to click off, the image of his bright eyes stayed m Austin’s mind. “How long have you known about this?” he asked Rory gruffly to mask his confusion and hurt.
Rory turned away from him and faced the canal. A breeze off its choppy surface caught and ruffled his shirt until it hugged against his chest tightly. “We’ve known about Bruno’s transfer for about a week now,” he said precisely. “The house sold today. Bruno called you as soon as the buyers left.”
“When did you plan on telling me Bruno had been transferred,” Austin demanded.
“There never seemed to be a good time this week,” Rory said quietly. “You were busy getting started at your new job…”
“You could have called any evening, Rory,” Austin said impatiently.
“It wasn’t something I wanted to go into over the phone,” Rory countered calmly, “for this very reason. I had a feeling you wouldn’t take the news very well, and it seemed like it would be unfeeling to just give you a quick call and say, “guess what? I’m moving.’ I was hoping to have a chance to talk with you this weekend. Then everything started moving so fast.”
Austin put his hands in his pockets and bobbed up and down on the balls of his feet a couple of times before he said, “I was scared Bruno was dragging you over to confront me about us. It freaked me out,” he admitted.
Rory sighed and took a deep hit off his cigarette. He glanced at Austin and then looked back out over the canal. “That’s one reason why this all is probably for the best,” he said thoughtfully.
“Yeah,” Austin said bitterly. “Don’t you get off easy.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Rory said stiffly.
“I mean, you get to just walk off, scot-free. It would have been a whole lot harder for you to stay here and be my friend,” Austin said with the hurt palpable in his voice. “Now you can forget I ever happened.”
Rory flicked his cigarette off into the wind from the canal. Both men watched it as it fell into the water in a rush of sparks that died as quickly as they flared. “You can’t believe that’s what I feel,” Rory said, hurt tone striking against hurt.
“I don’t know what you feel,” Austin said tonelessly. “I never did, and I guess I never will.” With that, he turned and started to walk away.
“Wait a minute,” Rory said quickly. When Austin turned and stepped back, he said, “Don’t walk away from this like that.” He glanced nervously at the house and tugged his cigarettes out of his back pocket. “I guess they won’t miss us if they know I’m chain-smoking out here, right?”
Austin smiled, but said “Why don’t you just say what you have to say?”
Rory lit his second cigarette and gave it a look of distaste. “Did you know I’ve gone three days without one of these damn things before the last ten minutes?”
Austin grinned in the dark. “So, you’re saying I still make you nervous.”
Rory stepped up the bank and bumped him gently on the shoulder. “I’ll always have lung cancer to remember you by—does that make you happy?”
Austin laughed. “Well, that’s something, I guess.”
Rory took a hit off his cigarette and turned once more to the canal, but looked at Austin nonetheless. “Let’s don’t leave this with you being hurt and angry.”
“But I am hurt and I am angry,” Austin said quickly. “I’m hurt because I find out now how much I care about you, and I’m angry because I do. Christ, what a mess.”
“How did you see this going on, Austin?” Rory asked and turned to look for his answer.
“I don’t know,” Austin said miserably, “but I didn’t see it ending like this.”
Rory nodded and smoked on in silence for a moment. Finally he spoke, not looking at Austin but at the night sky lying over the wind-ruffled water. “You made me feel good, Austin. And I hope you feel the same way. That’s not something two people who belong to somebody else get to say all that often.”
“Well, that’s not enough,” Austin replied urgently.
“It’s all I have to give you,” Rory said honestly. “I’m sorry.”
“Is that all you have to say?” Austin said incredulously.
Rory only nodded and stood silently against the stiff breeze off the water. Then he sighed and said, “I wish I could tell you what I think you want to hear me say, but I can’t.”
“Then you’re no different from all the guys that used you and hurt you so bad when you were a kid,” Austin whispered harshly. “Because I feel now what you must have felt like back then,” Then, seeing Rory was unmoved, Austin said resignedly. “I hope you feel like you got your revenge.”
Rory turned and flashed his eyes on Austin angrily but before he could speak, Austin looked at him pitifully and said, “I just hope you realize someday that I didn’t deserve it.”
Rory looked out over the canal and flicked his cigarette out over the water before he angrily responded. “No, you don’t deserve that. And you also don’t deserve what happened to me back then. You see, Austin, what really hurts and what really kills is the betrayal that comes along with that territory. I won’t tell everybody you know that you’re a faggot.” He looked at Austin with sincere sympathy. “That’s where you get off easy. And that’s where you learn how much I really care about you. “
Austin just looked at him, reeling from a return blow he hadn’t expected, and then hung his head. “I guess we better be getting back inside,” he said at last and, defeated, turned to lead the way.
5150 ST. MARK’S COURT
WHEN RORY FINISHED packing, he pulled his bag from the bedroom to the foyer to wait through the night alongside Bruno’s roller bag. Once he satisfied himself that the front door was locked, he made the same swift circuit he did each night among the switches that turned off the lights in the f
ront of the house. Even in the darkness, the silhouettes of the furniture in each of the rooms humped themselves comfortably together to sleep until the light of day crept in from the glassy rear of the house. For Rory, their shapes were as comforting and familiar as animals in a barn. He stood for a moment in the dark, looking out over the rooms and their contents that flowed into each other in the house’s open floor plan. For two years, it had been his home. Now it would be time to herd these beloved things together and move them to a new house, yet unseen. The thought of it made him both a little sad and also tremendously excited. Rory couldn’t count how many times he’d moved in his life. In ways that were both comforting and familiar, he felt an old kind of excitement growing. He was ready to move on.
After he made his way into the kitchen, he dumped the empty bottle of champagne into the recycle bin and loaded the coffeepot for the coming early-morning rush. Satisfied he had done all he could do to ease the morning’s tension, he came to stand before his small altar on the counter to murmur his evening’s prayers. At the last minute, he offered a quick prayer for Austin’s hurt, and an act of contrition for his part in it, then crossed himself quickly and blew out the vigil candle burning beside the portrait of the Sacred Heart. Comforted, he turned to join Bruno on the pool deck, waiting in the dark.
“Hey beast,” he said from the door.
Bruno turned his big head sleepily and gave him a grin as he patted the empty cushion on the wicker sofa next to him. “You’re all ready to take off in the morning?”
Rory walked over and sat next to him, fishing his cigarettes from his back pocket as he did. “Yep. Packed and waiting,” he said as he lit a cigarette in the night.
“I thought you said you were down to three a day again,” Bruno commented easily.
“I was, but we don’t sell our house every day, either. Cut me some slack,” Rory said and laughed.
Bruno stretched an arm over Rory’s head and laid it across his shoulders before locking him in a tight hug,” Everything’s going to be all right, baby. Don’t get all nervous. We’re gonna get on that plane, go to Charleston, and rent us a car, and go find us a big-ass house. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. If we’re lucky, you’ll be walking on the beach in two weeks.”
“Seriously, Will, do you think we’ll manage that before we have to be out of here?” Rory asked soberly.
“Have I ever let you down?” Bruno said with utter self-assurance.
Rory cut him a sideways glance that wasn’t meant to be unkind, just skeptical, and took a hit off his cigarette.
Bruno chose to ignore the look. “So, you’re sure you want a beach house?”
“Yes,” Rory said firmly. “I am sure. All we really need is a kitchen, a bedroom with a bath, and a porch like this one, and I’ll be happy.”
“I’m going to buy you a better view than this one,” Bruno said with certainty. “This is crap compared to where we’re going.”
“Well, I don’t know, boss.” Rory said, “Venetian Vistas doesn’t exactly suck.”
“Compared to where we’re going, baby, this is pure-d ghetto,” Bruno said and laughed.
“Your southern is falling all out your mouth,” Rory said dryly.
“You know what, boy? I don’t give a flying fuck. I ain’t going to New York City, so New York City can kiss my rebel ass. If they want to keep me down home, I’m gonna keep my southern mouth and talk like I damn well please,” Bruno said heartily.
“Sounds good to me,” Rory said and added, “Beau.”
Bruno stretched his legs out in front of him and sighed. “You never really wanted to move up there anyway, did you?”
“I wanted to if you wanted to,” Rory said, then added honestly, “but I ain’t crying into my pillow about not going.”
“That’s what I figured,” Bruno said and sat thoughtfully for a moment. After a few peaceful minutes he said, “I’m really lucky that you’ve stuck with me for so long. I just want you to know I don’t ever take you for granted, no matter how it might appear sometimes.”
Rory put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the table next to him, then stretched his shorter legs out alongside Bruno’s and nudged his leg with one of his own. “Will…”
In the dark, Rory saw Bruno wipe the side of his face quickly, then mask it by making an exaggerated show of scratching the side of his nose. However, his voice didn’t lie. Choked by all he couldn’t say, he simply managed, “I just don’t want to risk messing things up anymore, you know?”
Rory reached up and patted the hand Bruno still had resting on his shoulder, then he laid his head back against his arm and watched the slow sailing clouds, blushing pink and gold on their undersides from the reflected lights of the great city that stretched away under the moon to the east. “You know, Bruno,” he said softly, “I feel exactly the same way.”
5160 ST. MARK’S COURT
AUSTIN PLED THE first quarter earnings report as his excuse to take refuge in his office. While it was true the heavy document filled with charts, graphs, and endless statements of figures needed to be gone over during the course of the weekend, it didn’t really need to call him away from Meg and the boys on a Friday night. Still, Austin wanted and needed to be alone. He settled his family comfortably in front of a DVD featuring Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley battling wits with yet another incarnation of Lord Voldemort and hid himself away to brood.
For the most part, the earnings report lay open on his desk, and Austin watched out his window as Bruno and Rory moved noiselessly in the lamp’s glow beyond their bedroom door. Austin sat riveted to the scene as Bruno finally came to sit on their pool deck and contented himself with a few bong hits. Austin stared at him with unbridled venom and hatred until Rory finally joined him and they sat close, talking their way intimately into the night.
A variety of emotions pulled at Austin, though he was mostly desolate and sore of heart in a way he couldn’t remember being since he was a punk kid, just learning he had the capacity to hurt at all. He felt betrayed. He felt abandoned. He felt murderously jealous, and he just felt unassuagably sad. Even as he watched Rory, so definitely and unassailably possessed by Bruno, he tormented himself with thoughts of how unfair the situation was. Austin had moved past any shame for what he had done or how he was feeling. He only felt the weight of burdensome self-pity for a kind of love that had no possible shape in the reality of his life. There was no justifiable place for Rory in his life other than what his neighbor had sensibly shared with him to its limit. But Rory had shared too much still, and Austin now stung with the loss of something he had never really had.
After a long while, Rory and Bruno stood together and walked side by side into their room. With a crushing finality, the light through the door went dark and Austin was utterly shut out of everything but his own hurtful imaginings of what might be happening next. He stared for a long time at the black emptiness beyond Rory’s bedroom door and willed himself not to cry.
“You’re going to miss him, aren’t you?” Meg said quietly from the door of his office. She had come upstairs in silence and caring concern, only to find him pitiably brooding in the near dark of his bolt hole.
Austin sat silently until he felt her hands on his shoulders and her lips brush the top of his head. “I didn’t know it showed,” he said when he could manage.
Meg sighed and moved her hands to gently rub the muscles where the column of his neck grew from his shoulders. “Poor Austin,” she said. “Did you think I couldn’t tell?”
Austin swiveled in his desk chair to look up at her, “Tell what?” He asked defensively. “That he was my friend?”
Meg smiled down at him and turned to walk the few steps to his sofa opposite the desk. She said coldly as she sat, “Austin, it’s time you and I have a talk about you and Rory Fallon.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Austin told her miserably.
“Sure you do,” Meg said encouragingly. “You’re guilty as sin. You’re just li
ke the boys when they get into something they shouldn’t.” She laughed bitterly. “Austin, I’m your wife, give me some credit for knowing you better than anyone else. For weeks it’s been ‘Rory said,’ or ‘Rory told me,” or “Rory and I.’ In all the years we’ve known each other, I’ve only seen you act like this one other time, and that was the summer my parents tried to separate us and you got close to that jerk Greg Norris.”
Austin rubbed his eyes miserably.
“You slept with him, and I’m pretty sure you’ve had sex with Rory Fallon,” Meg said firmly.
“What makes you so sure?” Austin asked defiantly.
Meg smirked. She knew what Greg Norris had told her long ago and she knew what Rory Fallon’s studiedly cool eyes would not. “Let’s just say two cats recognize each other in the dark, and leave it at that,” she said, smug and sure in her own secrets.
“Meg, I’m not like that,” Austin said and waved his hand brusquely in the direction of the house next door.
“Of course you’re not. Do you think I’m an idiot?” Meg said calmly. “We have a wonderful life and two gorgeous children. You just were lonesome and bored.” She drew a deep breath and then continued with steely determination, “But I seriously need you to tell me whether or not you fucked that man.”
“He was my friend. He…”
“Whether or not he is your friend is immaterial,” Meg interrupted. “Did you or did you not fuck him?”
Austin just looked at her and tried to stare into her eyes defiantly.
Meg finally nodded and stood. She walked the few steps to the door and closed it firmly. Turning back to Austin, she took two steps toward him and folded her arms over her chest, forcing him to look up at her. “For just a minute, let’s leave how that makes me feel out of it. Let’s just talk about how stupid you are.”
Austin opened his mouth, but before he could respond, Meg locked him in a cold stare and said, “Don’t you have any idea how filthy gay people are? Did you even stop to consider the chances you were taking with your health and with mine?”
