by Jay Quinn
Meg mentally deleted the disturbing thought of Rory Fallon and took her new loft in once more. Everything and everyone seemed to be in place, save one. “Where’s Noah?” she asked as she stepped into the loft itself.
Austin looked away from the TV and glanced around the room before turning his attention once more to the news. “He’s in his room, probably.”
“He’s in there masturbating,” Josh said matter-of-factly.
Before Meg could form a response, Austin snickered and Josh said, “He masturbates a lot.”
“I am not!” came Noah’s muffled roar from behind his closed door. There was the sound of his feet hitting the floor and striding to his door. The knob turned violently in place but didn’t give against the lock. “You little bitch!” Noah yelled as he unlocked the door.
Josh yelped and was struggling to get out of his new chair when Noah’s door flew open and was immediately followed by the charge of his stocky body. Meg watched in shocked horror as Noah landed on Josh in the full force of flying fists. Josh laughed manically as he took a glancing blow to his chin and a more solid one in his solar plexus. He managed to get away with a hard wrench from Noah’s grasp and took a vaulting leap over the low back of the new sofa.
“Austin!” Meg cried, pulling the two syllables of his name into three.
Austin simply reached out and grabbed Josh’s arm as he landed feet first on the sofa cushion next to him, and then used the boy’s momentum to swing him off the sofa and onto the ottoman, where he crashed neatly, butt-first.
Meg stepped toward Noah as he stood panting furiously, the milky skin of his bare chest and face flushed a deep shade of red in evidence as much of the truth of Josh’s assertion as of his own private exertions. Meg got behind him and grabbed his hand, finding it surprisingly slick as Noah snatched it away from her.
From his perch on the ottoman, safe behind the sofa’s buffering back, Josh extended the first two fingers of his left hand and tapped a furious tattoo on his right wrist as he said in a singsong voice, “Oooh Sarah, I love you…”
“Faggot!” Noah bellowed and launched himself across the sofa’s back toward his laughing brother.
“Austin! Do something,” Meg cried as Austin laughed and tried to place himself between his two sons while dodging to avoid the worst of Noah’s blind fists. “They’ll destroy the new furniture!” Meg wailed.
“Meg, go for a walk,” Austin said firmly as he grabbed at the back hem of Noah’s sagging britches and yanked him backwards away from his still-laughing brother. “I can deal with these two, but I can’t deal with them and you too.”
“Fine!” Meg shouted as she turned on her heel and stomped back down the stairs. The hand that she’d grabbed Noah’s with slid on the banister. Confusedly, she lifted her hand to her face and caught the unmistakable scent of Vaseline Herbal Intensive Care Lotion over a raw note of man and musk. “Oh good God!” she wailed and marched straight into the kitchen. Finding no hand soap, she reached under the sink for something to wash her hands with and pulled out a bottle of Soft Scrub. Fighting back her dark discovery with the gritty harsh cleanser only made her angrier as she heard another great thud and Austin’s angry bellow join the din from overhead.
Taking not even her keys, she nearly ran out the front door, slamming it behind her. Blindly she stalked the winding streets of Venetian Vistas. Had anyone happened to be out, they would have taken one look at her thunderous expression and turned away before her gaze lighted on them. As it was, the streets were falling into the dusk of the dinner hour. It was too late for people to be getting home and too early for the joggers and bypass-surgery convalescents to have begun their evening rounds.
For her part, Meg’s strides slowed to a stroll as her anger and confusion cleared. She strove valiantly to push away any thoughts of her baby touching himself. Such Self-knowledge was precocious at best and perverted at its worst. She didn’t quite know where to put this new knowledge of her son and the harsh evidence of his sudden maturity. All his young life, it was Noah she identified with and cherished most as her own. He had her fair coloring and dark hair. He had her quick bright mind. He was hers, while Josh was of the totally alien and beloved temperament and likeness of his father.
But that disturbing revelation was only a part of her larger confusion. The grander unknowing was bound up in what was essentially male. Both boys had exhibited growing aggression and a fierce physicality that was impossible for her to control or temper. They were these little boy beasts, and they were suddenly oblivious to the very presence of her authority and female influence. More than ever before, she was alone in a camp of males, and the thought of it bewildered her and made her sad.
As she walked and fell deeper into thought, she felt hot tears come and fall. She considered Austin and the apparently unthinking way he’d followed his dick into a mess she couldn’t really rail against or turn a blind eye to. He was as much a cipher as his sons, and she was only on the outside, wounded and alone. In her most private moments, she’d considered leaving him, or rather asking him to go. She had the grounds for vindication and vindictiveness, her professional lawyerly training informed her. But then she thought about the emptiness of his absence as opposed to his flawed presence. She thought about handling a situation like the one she’d just walked away from and left in his hands. She knew she could never handle Noah and Josh on her own. She also knew she couldn’t bear to be without him in her life or in her bed. Austin was the love of her life. For better or worse, she’d promised. Meg just wasn’t sure how much worse it could get.
When she finally had walked her way through both dusk and the conversation in her head, Meg looked around and realized she had no idea where she was. The streets of Venetian Vistas wound round on themselves. Every fourth house repeated itself in shape and size, from the one she’d just passed only to begin again with each new façade part of the repeating variation of home styles. Every house had a lone royal palm on one corner and a cluster of queen palms on the other. All the houses were skirted with a low hedge of ixora or ficus. Anxiously, she realized she had never walked so deeply into her own neighborhood before. There were no familiar landmarks in this world of planned variety to point her home.
Meg stopped and turned to look back in the direction she’d come. The street behind her mirrored the street ahead of her. She swallowed panic and decided the only way she’d find her way back home was to try and retrace her steps, as unpromising as that sounded considering her lack of attention to the turns taken in the deepening dusk. She walked a little way resolutely, but felt a stirring of fear when she heard a steady pounding of running feet behind her. The tread was heavy and determined. She made a concerted effort not to look behind her, but carefully made her way to the center of the street, intuitively understanding she’d have room to break and rim if the heavy-footed stranger behind her intended her harm. Her heart beat faster as she kept a measured, confident pace. The pounding behind her came closer.
“Meg!” She heard a familiar deep voice say as the footfalls drew up beside her. Meg looked to her right and saw Bruno trot past her, and then turn to run backwards to break his momentum and slow to a sort of effortless jogging in place. “You sure are a long way from home.”
Bruno was sleekly wet as a thoroughbred. He looked glossy and healthy even under the yellowish gleam of the streetlights. Meg almost expected him to snort and whinny like a horse, yet at that moment, he was the handsomest thing she’d ever seen. “Boy, am I glad to see you,” she said gratefully. “I have no idea where I am.”
“You’rve over near the clubhouse,” Bruno panted as he walked back to stand next to her. “Did you walk all this way?”
Meg nodded. “I didn’t plan to. I was just walking and thinking…”
“And crying, too, from the looks of it,” Bruno said gently.
Meg wiped at the dry tracks of tears and telling drip of mascara. “Males,” Meg said as she attempted a smile, “the grown one and the little ones.”
Bruno nodded sagely and gently took her elbow to steer her down the street. “I have all brothers. My mom used to take a lot of long walks.”
Meg allowed herself to be steered so gracefully, but was pleased when Bruno knew precisely when to let go of her elbow and merely walk beside her companionably. “Did she ever get lost?”
“My dad used to say she’d find her way home when she was ready,” Bruno said. “I’m uniquely qualified to listen if you’d like to talk,” he offered.
Meg shot him a wary glance, but saw he was only looking ahead. “I don’t know what to say,” she said guardedly.
Bruno nodded, but kept his gaze resolutely ahead. “I thought you’d want to talk about Rory and your husband.”
Meg stopped so abruptly that Bruno got in two steps beyond her. When he stopped and looked back for her, she said, “You know?”
Bruno nodded sadly. “Yes. I have for a few weeks now.”
“Does Rory know you…” Meg began.
“No way,” Bruno said quickly. “You see, I can’t throw stones. I’ve cheated on him, and he found out about the same time he and Austin…” his voice trailed off in his own hurt, and he only vaguely gestured to complete the thought.
Meg looked him in the eye and nodded grimly.
Bruno looked ahead and forged on, “In a way, I have to take responsibility for the whole mess. Rory has never cheated on me before. I guess I just pushed him past his limit.”
Meg walked the two steps to him and then continued on, “Let’s walk,” she said. “Right now I can’t stand still.”
Bruno agreeably began to walk beside her, measuring his normally long strides to her smaller ones. “I haven’t let him know I know, Meg. But since I started the whole thing, I decided to end it. That’s why we’re moving so suddenly.”
“But I thought you got a promotion and they were relocating you,” Meg said.
Bruno laughed. “That much is true, but I had a choice of working from where I work now, moving to Manhattan, or moving to Charleston.”
“Moving to Manhattan would seem to be ideal for what you do and for your career, Will. Why on earth would you choose Charleston?” Meg asked gently.
“We turn here,” Bruno said and gestured the way with his chin. When they had rounded the corner, he said, “Rory didn’t really want to move to Manhattan, for several reasons. Not the least of which is the fact that the woman I’d been having the affair with became my new boss.”
“I see,” Meg said evenly.
“But Meg, he would have done it. He would have moved with me to Manhattan if that’s what I wanted. He loves me that much.” Bruno looked at her and gave a short, unhappy laugh. “I lied and told him my other option was in Kentucky, of all places.”
“Did you tell him you had the choice of staying here?” Meg asked sincerely.
Bruno only looked at her and shook his head.
“And you didn’t want to stay here?” Meg asked. “Why rearrange your whole life?”
Bruno looked down at her and simply said, “I don’t want to lose him. I love him that much.”
“Will, you don’t think he and Austin would have…” Meg said incredulously. “Do you know something I don’t?”
“No, Meg,” Bruno said, quickly, “nothing like that. Those two aren’t in love with each other. Please,” he snorted. “Austin is just a symptom, not a solution to what Rory’s problem is.”
“And just what is Rory’s problem?” Meg asked, vaguely offended at the inference that her husband was only a symptom.
“Me. I’m his problem,” Bruno admitted. “I destroyed his trust a long time ago, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Meg. I guess you’ve noticed I don’t exactly find women to be unappealing.”
“Hardly,” Meg said dryly. “But that’s something I just don’t get, the whole bisexual thing. Why? Why Austin or you? I’m sorry. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.”
“That’s because you’re hardwired to equate sex with love. Most women are,” Bruno responded gently. “For me, and for a lot of other guys, sex is one thing; love is something else all together.” Bruno snorted, “Meg, most men would fuck a keyhole if they could get it wet enough.”
“Thanks for that image, Will. I’ll never forget that,” Meg said, repelled.
“Look, I’m gay. I know that because I’ve screwed around a lot with women, but I’ve only ever really loved Rory,” Bruno explained patiently. “That’s why you don’t really have anything to worry about with Austin. You’re the one he loves.”
I want to believe it’s that simple,” Meg said evenly. “You’re awfully sure of yourself, in any event.”
“Meg, haven’t you noticed that neither Rory nor Austin really have any other friends? They met. They found themselves attracted to each other as friends. Then, being men, they took it a little too far. It’s not too hard to see how it happened, considering…”
“Considering what?” Meg asked.
“Considering they both had a chance to be themselves,” Bruno sighed. “They’re both in a position where their whole lives revolve around us,” Bruno pointed out sagely.
Meg thought about it briefly. “I see that, but isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be when you’re married?”
Bruno laughed. “Well, that’s part of the problem. The truth is, I know I’m selfish and self-centered. For nearly twenty years, I’ve treated Rory as part of the Will Griffin Show. I’ve made a good show of leaving him room for some life for of his own, something that’s just his, but I… I made it impossible for him to be an artist. I discouraged him from his singing…” Bruno sighed deeply, but never broke his stride. “I’m a bastard. I realized that recently, and I want to make things different, better for him, for us.”
“Did it take your partner screwing my husband to make you realize that?” Meg said tartly.
“No. It took my oldest brother almost dying to do it,” Bruno said honestly. “Meg, he was my hero, he always has been. But not too long ago, he had a massive coronary, bypass surgery, the works. He’s just like me, only worse. I had to fly in to see him, well, because his personal life is a total mess. I had the power of attorney to pull the plug, not his wife, if that gives you any idea of how badly he’s fucked up his life.”
“I see,” Meg said quietly. “I think I understand.”
“Do you, Meg?” Bruno asked. “Because you know, you’re a lot like me.”
“I don’t see…” Meg began.
“Don’t even try it, girl,” Bruno interrupted. “You should have heard yourself at our house that night you came over for dinner. It was so obvious you considered Austin a bit player on your own big show… .”
“I’ve already come to understand and correct with my past attitudes toward Austin, Will,” Meg said stiffly. “I don’t see what that has to do with…”
“Don’t you?” Bruno said impatiently. “Neither Austin nor Rory are the cheating kind. Admit it, Austin’s never cheated on you before has he?”
“How would I know?” Meg said miserably.
“Oh, take it from me, you’d know.”
“Yeah, I guess I would.” Meg admitted. “I figured him out this time quickly enough.”
“I’m just saying you and I both have some things to think about,” Bruno said with conviction. “That’s what I think, anyway.”
“Maybe you’re right, Will,” Meg said grudgingly. “Maybe you’re right.”
After that, they only walked along comfortably together for a few more twists and turns until Bruno finally said, “We’re home.”
Meg looked up from where she’d been watching her feet rhythmically step once and again, over and over, as she’d considered everything Bruno had said. Looking up, she realized she knew the cars in the drive, and she caught a glimpse of Josh peering out the window before dashing toward the front door. The sight of her home, as imperfect as it was, still gave her a tremendous rush of happiness and relief. “Thank you, Will,” she said sincerely. “For everything.”
Bruno nodded. “I’d hug you, but I stink.”
Meg stepped up to him and hugged him instead. He didn’t smell bad at all to her. He smelled deeply masculine with strength enough to make a man’s right decisions as well as acknowledging the wrong ones. Awkwardly, Bruno put his hand on the back of her head and cradled it against his chest for a moment before she stepped away. “I’m going to miss you, neighbor,” Meg said.
Bruno smiled and nodded as Josh opened the front door and said, “Mom?”
“She’s home safe and sound, big guy,” Bruno said.
“We’ve been very worried,” Josh said petulantly. Meg could hear her own voice and tone from his little mouth.
“That’s the one who will need you to be understanding about gay stuff, sooner or later,” Bruno whispered.
“Mom!” Josh said insistently and crossed his arms across his chest.
“You think so?” Meg said with real weariness, but no disbelief. The possibility had crossed her mind more than once.
Bruno laughed. “We have a way of knowing these things.”
“After what I’ve had to deal with out of his father and brother lately, I’d almost be glad,” Meg said breezily.
“I don’t know, Meg. No matter what, boys will be boys,” Bruno said with a grin.
“You know that’s right,” Meg said and laughed easily, then she turned to meet Josh and go inside, strangely ready again for whatever all her boys threw at her. When she got to the door, she turned once more to find Bruno watching her with kind encouragement on his face. Meg gave him a small wave and he acknowledged it with a self-assured lift of his chin before he turned toward home himself.
