“Now that’s exactly what my visitor wanted to know,” Cliofus called back with a quick look at Hickman, “and those words rushed out to tell him.
“They said, ‘You remember the time Miss Kindly marched the class down to the Santa Fe crossing so we could see the great whale? Marching two by two, we had to hold hands, remember? And you held mine wearing mittens which were pinned to your sleeves with safety pins. It was a long cold walk for the littler kids, but with plenty new strange sights to see.
“‘Like when we came to a tall factory building where the shadow of wings was shading the sidewalk. And when we stopped and looked up there was this great big statue of an American eagle sitting on top of a globe. The globe was the earth, and while we stumbled ahead looking backwards and wondering what it was all about we could see the eagle’s sharp eyes glaring like the globe he’s sitting on is really the world and he’s in charge.
“‘Then when we came to an ice-cream factory and Miss Kindly snatched us kids up the walk like she was herding cattle and us the rawhide whip she was snapping. And next thing we know she’s hustling us through mouth-watering smells of roasting coffee and hot baking bread. Then after passing machine shops, warehouses, and other strange places we reach a little red shack with a tall smokestack which sat beside a railroad crossing with so many tracks that the city had to have a watchman to guard it. And way down there in the bowels of downtown we had our first look at the whale.
“‘He was rubbery and black and so big that it took three flatcars to support him, while the cars were covered with canvas that looked like seawater billowing with whitecapped waves. And lying there near the crossing the great whale looked as big as three locomotives hooked head to tail for a trip through the Rockies. But instead he’s resting on the railroad siding, and not only as far from the ocean as we could ever have dreamed, but looking like a holiday float that got left behind during a holiday parade. Yeah, and so full of embalming fluid that the air around him was filled with a sick-smelling sweetness that at first gave us trouble in breathing.
“‘But that didn’t bother Miss Kindly. She just made us gather around like she was about to lead us in singing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow” while she gazed up at the whale with her head cocked to one side and her eyes looking dreamy.
“‘ “Chill-dreen,” Miss Kindly said, “now that you’re enjoying the rare good fortune of seeing the great whale you must observe it!” and we stood there with our heads thrown back as though the great whale was floating like a dirigible two miles in the air.
“‘ “See the great whale, chill-dreen,” Miss Kindly said, and we answered, “Yes, ma’am, Miss Kindly, we sees him, ma’am,” and stood there gawking with our eyes bugged out.’
“‘Oh, no!’ said my visitor, but the words kept going.
“‘Remember how the great whale had lightbulbs suspended above him from head to tail, and the two big red ones which stuck out of the sockets where his eyes had been? With one bulging from the right side of his head and the other so far on the left that we had to take a walk to find it? And how all those rope-dangling harpoons stuck in his hump trembled whenever a truck rolled past? And how a little girl giggled and said, “Why, he looks like a giant pincushion with knitting needles sticking in him”? Yeah! But great God-a-mighty, what a hell of a catch he’d have been for a catfish fry!
“‘But Miss Kindly had other things on her mind. Because after she let us study the whale for a while she gets real frisky and comes on with some teaching.
“‘ “As you can see, chill-dreen,” Miss Kindly said, “the great whale is made of blubber.”
“‘ “Yes, ma’am,” we said, “us sees all that rubber.”
“‘ “And then Miss Kindly arches her eyebrows and puckers her lips like she’s sucking a lemon as her hand falls backwards in a limp-wristed flip.
“‘ “The whale, chill-dreen,” Miss Kindly says, “is an ani-mule—do you understand?” So in unison we all chime in and say, “Yes, ma’am, Miss Kindly, whales is ani-mules!”
“‘ “That’s right, chill-dreen,” Miss Kindly says, “and therefore little whale babies are nursed on the good rich milk of their mothers! Isn’t that wonderful?”
“‘ “Yes, ma’am,” we say, trying not to giggle, “good rich fish milk is good for whale babies—yes, ma’am!”
“‘ “That’s very good,” Miss Kindly said. “And now, who would like to ask a question about our great big beautiful whale?”
“‘But while she’s fishing for an answer she doesn’t get a bite. So while we all look dumb and try to think up some questions Miss Kindly arches her eyebrows and makes big-eyes at the whale and starts prancing back and forth while looking as proper as the Queen of Sheba.’
“By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Kindly was a fool for classical music, tea parties, and high-class manners, especially for the girls. So when nobody comes up with a question all of a sudden she struts back and forth and drops her handkerchief on the cinders right in front of me. And when a little girl in an apple-green dress reaches down to pick it up Miss Kindly stamps her foot and sings out in a voice as high as a flute, ‘Nu-nu-nu-nu NU!’ Then she stamps her foot again and that little gal freezes like she’s been blasted by a blood-chilling wind.
“Then, looking as bossy as Queen Victoria, Miss Kindly points straight at me and says, ‘Let heem pick it up, for you, my deah, are uh lay-dy!’
“And so I stoop down to get it, but being big and clumsy I land in the cinders flat on my face and have to listen to all the snickering around me until Miss Kindly goes back to picking on that poor embalmed whale.
“‘Well, chill-dreen,’ Miss Kindly says, ‘I’m still waiting for questions—so use your imagine-naay-shons!’
“And that’s when a little high-butted, freckle-faced, mariney-colored son-of-a-gun named Bernard ups and volunteers.
“He says, ‘Yes, ma’am, Miss Kindly, I got me one,’ and Miss Kindly’s eyes light up like a Christmas tree.
“‘Now that’s veeer-ree, veeery good,’ Miss Kindly sings, ‘because we learn by asking questions! And indeed I’m most disappointed that after this marvelous wonder of nature has been brought all the way from the ocean for your instruction you chill-dreen have asked so few questions about our great big wonderful whale! So now I want you to listen to Bernard and learn from his enriching curiosity. As you know, Bernard is highly intelligent. So now speak up, Bernard—what is your question?’ And ole Bernard really puts it to her.
“‘Now Miss Kindly,’ he says, ‘if that there whale is an animal what gives rich milk, what I want to know is: Where do she carry her tits?’ ”
Pretending to be surprised by the outburst of laughter, Cliofus sighed. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he called, “when those words came up with that I had no idea of what my visitor was thinking, but I was relieved that ole Bernard hadn’t asked Miss Kindly the meaning of ‘sperm.’ Anyway, the words went on to explain that when ole Bernard asks her about the whale’s tits, Miss Kindly reacts like he’s turned into a twelve-foot monster with horns on his head. And him looking like he’s demanding an answer!
“But luck is with him, because just then the door to the little red shack with the tall smokestack that was used by the guard in charge of the crossing bangs open. And before Miss Kindly can scream, faint, or kick Bernard’s butt, out steps a little old white man, and in his mouth there’s a corncob pipe turned upside down. And as we stare in wonder at his being there he picks up something that looks like a spear dangling on a rope and comes hobbling toward us on a short wooden leg.
“He’s about four feet tall, has eyes like an eagle, and wears a blue sailor suit that’s seen better days with a fisherman’s hat that’s ancient. And when he finally makes it to where we’re standing, right away he’s telling Miss Kindly in Yankee talk that not only do us kids owe him a nickel apiece for just looking at the whale, but ten cents more for listening to the lecture he’s about to give us about the history and habits of the gre
at sperm whale.
“So maybe being glad to avoid answering ole Bernard’s question, Miss Kindly gives the little man the money and he’s off and running.
“First he tells us that catching the great whale was as easy as digging for craw-dads or falling off a log. Then he turns right around and swears that after he harpooned the whale from his boat and got dragged through foaming seas for two hundred miles and a quarter, the whale jumped salty, knocked a hole in his boat, and bit off his leg. And while we stood there listening with our mouths gaped wide he swore that he’d given the whale such a fight that he was still able to land him. Then he threw back his head and sang us a solo. Something about us kids being cheerful and not having heart attacks when we watched a bold harpooner like him go after a whale! And he ends up by dancing a wobbly jig on his old wooden leg.
“Which we enjoyed. But while some of us are still undecided about his really catching the whale, Miss Kindly bugs out her eyes and asks him to do some more lying!
“So now while he hobbles from the poor whale’s head to his tail, and around and about and back again, we have to listen to him lie a mile a minute about Jonah, whale oil, the whalebone used in women’s hairpins and corsets, and about carving scrimshaw ivory and other stuff. Such as Eskimos and igloos, polar bears and Arctic seals, whaling ships and American history. Then he goes and gets a big sticky-looking hunk of something he swears to be ambergris. We’d never heard of the stuff, but it looks and smells like something he’d fetched up from the profoundest depths of the sea and should have been left right where he found it. And sure enough, when he passes it around he makes the mistake of going too far for some of us children.
“Because after ole hoarse-voiced Tyree wrinkles up his nose and gives it a real close inspection he lets out a protest that’s so loud and contentious that everybody halfway to the capital can hear him.
“‘Hey, y’all,’ he says, ‘y’all can believe what you want to, but far’s I’m concerned that there stuff ain’t nothing but whale puke! And I don’t care what that white man says about it!’
“And here the man had just explained that the stuff was worth ten times its weight in gold and was used in making the very finest of high-priced perfume! But while the little man stands there trembling on his wooden leg and looking at Tyree like he wants to kill him, Miss Kindly swallows whatever it is, hook, line, and sinker.
“‘Now, isn’t that amazing, chill-dreen,’ Miss Kindly says. And to keep the peace we all chime in with a loud, ‘Yes, ma’am, Miss Kindly, we ‘mazed.’
“And while Miss Kindly is beaming and cooing, the little man hobbles to the shack and pulls a switch, and the next thing we know the great high-headed whale is winking and blinking his lightbulb eyes.
“‘Now, isn’t that wonderful,’ Miss Kindly says. ‘Observe the great whale’s eyes and see how they’re blinking! Which proves that whales are not a fish, but ani-mules!’
“‘Yes, ma’am, Miss Kindly,’ we all chime in, ‘we sees him winking his great big bulbs….’
“‘And therefore, chill-dreen,’ Miss Kindly says, ‘how do we classify this wonder of nature which is known as the great sperm whale?’
“And that’s the start of a great argument; with some saying he’s a fish, some a blubber mule, and with others insisting that he’s either a great sea elephant or an animal-eyed fish. Which has Miss Kindly’s head swinging on her neck like a pendulum.
“Then, as the little man watches some boys fighting over the true nature of the whale he takes him a chew of Brown’s Mule tobacco. And after chewing it a while he spurts a stream of tobacco juice that’s so hot that it steams when it hits the cinders. Then he ducks under the whale on the flatcar and gives a twist to some kind of valve. And the next thing we know water is spouting from a hole in the top of the great whale’s head and coming down like spray from a fountain. And while Miss Kindly is outrunning the fastest runners in the class in a dash for cover the little man is waving his harpoon in a rainbow of spray, whooping and yelling, ‘Thar she blows!’ ”
Joining in the laughter, Hickman watched Cliofus take a sip of water and shake his head. And with customers pounding the tables and stomping the floor he thought, Who would believe that anyone could get away with stuff like this in a nightclub!
[STATION]
“AND NOW, ladies and gentlemen,” Cliofus said, “if you’re wondering what my visitor was doing while those words were bending his ears, I’ll tell you: He was laughing, and I mean in a genuine down-home style. In fact, he sounded like a home-boy. And while I’m wondering how someone like him came up with a laugh like that, he offers me a cigarette. So, since I don’t smoke, I thank him and tell him to go ahead. But after taking a puff he starts laughing and coughing on the smoke. And next thing I know he’s sitting on the porch crying like a baby and shaking his head. And when I ask him what’s happening he just looks at me. Then he sighs and says real sad, ‘It’s the whale, Cliofus. It’s what happened to the whale!’
“Then he gets real emotional and says, ‘One of the prime wonders of the animal kingdom, out here, thousands of miles from the ocean, stranded on a flat-car with his natural eyes replaced by lightbulbs! And as though that wasn’t enough of a crime against nature, a little con man of a railroad watchman sees the whale and decides to make a few nickels and dimes out of anyone who’ll pay for listening to his cock-and-bull rant about whales. Then to make his scam more effective he connects the whale’s lightbulb eyes to a power line, uses a water hose to connect the poor animal’s airhole to a fire hydrant, and lays in wait for his victims. Among the first of whom turn out to be a bunch of little kids and their teacher. And after snatching their nickels and dimes he’s off and lying like a circus barker.
“‘But when some of the kids turn out to be too smart to accept some of the things he tells them, he reacts by opening the valve that’s connected to the whale’s head and punishes the whole class by making it appear that the long-dead animal is spouting them with spray from its airhole—good Lord!’
“He really sounded sad, but right away he mumbles something about innocents refusing to be slaughtered and starts laughing and crying again. Then he asks me what Jack the BooBoo Beaujack was doing while the whale was spouting, and before I can get my memories together the words took over.
“They said, ‘Hey! Don’t you remember that? When the little one-legged man made the great whale spout we ran down the tracks a-ways to escape the spray. Then as we watched the rainbow it made in the air we see Miss Kindly herding the class back to school and decide to play a little hooky. And with me being a fool for watching railroad trains and the Union Station just up the tracks from the whale, we decide to be there when my number one favorite, the Santa Fe Chief, comes rolling in.
“‘So we get to the station, and who do we see in the crowd of passengers and red-capped porters but Jack the BooBoo Beaujack, who’s doing his thing. With his mother and his teenage sisters, he’s standing smack in the middle of the crowd, and we’re just in time to see him throw back his head and yell, “Here we is in the Union Station, and we all dressed up in our union suits!”
“‘That’s right! Standing in the center of all that hot public space the fool’s talking up under the clothes of his own dear mother and his sassy big sisters! And when his poor mother sees passengers stopping to stare and porters scowling like they’re trying to decide who to kill first, Beaujack or a big white man who’s pointing at his mother and laughing, she’s so shocked and embarrassed that she damn near dies!
“‘But that doesn’t stop ole BooBoo, because by now he’s reading off the station’s billboard signs like some kind of a runaway foghorn that’s done gone on a toot:
FINANCIALLY EMBARRASSED?
SEE HARRIS THE BANKER.
RADIATOR LEAKY?
SEE PUCKETT, THE TINKER!
FEELING RUN DOWN AND OUT OF LINE?
FEEL FINE WITH BEEF IRON & WINE!
LADIES, DO YOU HAVE BEARING-DOWN PAINS?
LYDIA
E. PINKHAM’S IS THE ANSWER!
LOSE THAT OLD BLOATED FEELING,
THAT PAIN IN THE HEAD WITH BROMO QUININE!
CHEW BROWN’S MULE TOBACCO!
DRINK BEVO, THE SPARKLING BEER!
“‘Then he points his finger and yells, “Look a-yonder, Ma, that one over there reads Carter’s Little Liver Pills! Hey! Mine’s kinda little, so maybe I could use me some….” ‘
“So with that my visitor asks me a question which I don’t hear. Because all of a sudden I realize that after starting out with Jack upsetting Miss Kindly by flipping his pickle, the words had reduced him in age and in size. So naturally I’m puzzled, because there was no way in the world for the BooBoo in the station to have been the size he was in the classroom. Not if my visitor was actually the kid who’d been with me at that time. Anyway, with those words building up steam there wasn’t time to figure it out. So while my visitor listens with tears in his eyes they began filling him in on Jack the BooBoo Beaujack’s mother.
“They said, ‘Now, Jack’s poor mama was truly peacock-proud of his being able to read so good, but with him proclaiming those cures for ladies’ bodily complaints and his sisters blushing and giggling, she claps her hand over his mouth, and next thing we know she’s rushing him and his sisters out to the street.
“‘So with that excitement come to an end we hurry out to the platform that faces the tracks just in time to see that Santa Fe Chief come rolling in. And that’s when we spy this man who’s leaning out of a dining-car window with a fat greasy bag in his great big hands.
“‘Dressed in a white cook’s jacket and a tall chef’s cap, he’s the one who kicked a waiter by the name of Sam Shagwaugh square in the butt for saying that he had hands so big that if either one was baked and served with sliced pineapples and a light-brown sauce it would look so real that anyone would think it was the ham on the menu which had been misspelled S-m-i-t-h-f-double-e-l!
Three Days Before the Shooting . . . Page 135
