“Did I say something wrong?” I feel him behind me, his body inches away when I stop in front of the mantle.
“I’m no good for you Hudson,” I study the photos in front of me. I know them by heart now but they have becoming a comforting sight. They remind me of happier times in my own life, before Erik. Times I never thought were good until I didn’t have them anymore.
“Let me be the judge of that,” he says softly and I feel him move in closer, the heat of his body radiating along my back. I pray he doesn’t touch me. I won’t be able to keep it together if he touches me.
“I can’t,” I whisper trying to push down the bubble of words in my chest. Fuck, I’m not ready to ruin everything but he’s not giving me much choice. “Do you want to know what I dream about Hudson?”
I pause, dragging in a deep breath. His arms snake around my waist pinning me to his front. My resistance is futile, so I lean into him needing his strength to get through the next part.
“I dream of men. Lots of men, each one using me for some sick fantasy. They touch me, hit me, smack me, punch me and fuck me until they get off. They kiss me with revolting breath that smells like death and lick every inch of my skin with their acid tongues. They burn me with cigarettes, cut me with razor blades, hang me from the ceiling naked and on display. They force their cock down my throat and choke me until I submit. They fuck me in any position imaginable, bending and twisting my body painfully. I don’t cry out or beg them to stop. There’s no point. Nothing I do or say would stop them anyways,” the room is dead silent as he listens. He doesn’t move, doesn’t breath. He simply stands with his arms around me. My hands shake with nervous energy, so I place them over his to steady them and he lacing his fingers with mine.
“Good dreams aren’t filled with faceless men using you, breaking you, nearly killing you for their own enjoyments,” I take in a shuddering breath before continuing. “Did you know I played the violin? It’s kind of a family tradition. My father lacked the natural talent I was born with. I spent my entire childhood with a violin under my chin. My father was a tyrant when it came to perfection. If he couldn’t usurp his own father’s talents, he would make damn sure his only daughter did.”
The photo, the one of his team catches my eye. I reach for it but I’m almost afraid to touch it. Afraid his supportive silence will vanish if I touch it. He hasn’t said a word since I started and I’m all right with it since it is my turn to tell secrets.
“The music, my fingers, I’d play it in my head when I couldn’t handle what was happening to me,” I drop my hand away from the mantle but gracefully lift my arms, pretending to hold a violin and bow. His arms remain steady around my waist. I close my eyes and imagine I’m standing on stage, playing before a crowd of people, the music softly straining from the pressure of the bow and my fingers. I remember the joy I would feel, to have the crowd in the palm of my hand, weeping because the song moved them. Slowly, I drop my arms, hang my head and study the crooked fingers of my hands. “Erik didn’t like me playing. One night he got this idea in his head to destroy all that I loved most. Smashing my violin to pieces wasn’t enough for him. A violin could be replaced. He had to make sure I wouldn’t be able to play ever again…I tried to set them but they never healed right.”
His hand takes mine and he spins me around to face him. His eyes are soft and understanding, glistening with unshed tears. Lifting my hands to his lips, he presses feathery light kisses on each finger. A knot forms in my throat and I struggle to swallow.
Ah, fuck! Why did he have to that?
I wasn’t going to be able to walk away from this man.
Not when he does sweet things like that.
*****
Hudson
“Hudson, you have to stop,” she looks at me with pain laced in her eyes, a glimpse of need glistening in the back. Our hands intertwined feels right and after what she just told me, I never want to let go. How someone can be so cruel, so maniacal was beyond comprehension. Her torture hadn’t started with Erik. It went back to the day she was born.
“I can’t,” my voice is gruff and I realize I’m ready to lay everything out for her. Something flickers behind her and I glance at it. It’s one of the photos on the mantle. That photo. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, giving in. “And I don’t want to.”
Preacher’s words echo in my head and finally I understand what he meant. This woman standing before me had been placed purposely in my life for a number of reasons. While I’ve questioned it at every turn, I know Alice was the woman he described the day he died. We keep fighting these feelings. Neither of us is ready for something this serious, this strong. But there is no way I can stay away from her anymore. Whatever lies between us has a tight hold on me and I don’t want it to let go.
I want her, almost as much as I need her.
It’s as if she can see the thoughts swirling around in my head because her face morphs into stone and her body stiffens. Her eyes are hopeful but guarded. I know she isn’t ready to stop fighting because she believes she isn’t worthy of something this good. I don’t care, I’ll fight for her if I have to.
“Don’t you understand? I’m dirty. Unclean. Ruined,” she raises her voice and tries to yanks away but I wrap my arms around her. I know what she was trying to do but I wasn’t going to let her severe this connection between us. “I was raped Hudson. Repeatedly and not just by one man either. He sold me by the night, sometimes for a week at a time. To whomever he wanted or would pay his price. I wasn’t a cheap piece of ass either. He used me like a whore. He made me a slut. A bitch with a hole to be stuffed and filled. Playing my role in it, taking it as they give it to me with a smile and gratitude. The perfect little cunt. His little money maker,” she flinches as the words leave her mouth. I refuse to react even as the images cut deep into my heart. To hear what she endured, even a small bit, causes rage to boil deep inside me. I silently vow to find Erik and make him pay for what he’s done to her. “I’m a shell Hudson and the person inside…she’s worthless. Why can’t you see that?”
“I see you Alice and you’re wrong. You’re not the woman you think you are. You’re beautiful, kind, caring, understanding, downright lovable, even when you’re being completely unreasonable,” I kiss her temple, feeling the steady beat of her pulse against my lips. Her body shudders. “You’re not a shell. You’re not worthless. You are absolutely fucking worth it Alice. You are precious.”
“Don’t call me precious,” she says muffled into my chest. “I’m the farthest thing from it. I’m not even on the same scale.”
“Bullshit, you’re the definition of precious,” I lift her face to mine, my finger under her chin. “I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you.”
“What, the groveling weakling in your motel closet?” She snorts in disgust.
“No, that was the first time I saw you,” I move her head back to my chest and press my lips against her hair. “It was the day after you checked in. You opened and closed your door so quietly I almost didn’t hear you. I watched you walk down the street looking over your shoulder every few seconds, wondering what you were looking for. I waited all day for you to come back, afraid you wouldn’t.”
She finally settles in my arms and wraps her arms around my middle.
“Your eyes were always on your feet and I hated it. I wanted you to look up every time you walked by my window, to let me see them. I knew there was something special about them and I was right.”
“You’re wrong,” her voice was a sad whisper. “There is nothing special about me, not anymore. I’m a sad, hopeless case Hudson.”
“The only sad thing I see about you is the blame you insist on shouldering. None of what has happened to you is your fault.”
“It is though,” she shrugs. “I stayed with him even though everyone warned me about him and because I didn’t listen, I deserve what has happened to me.”
“We’ve been through this already, precious. You didn’t deserve any of it. Bad things h
appen to good people. You can’t define your self-worth based on those bad things, especially when you can’t control them.”
She looks up me. Her eyes are wide and thoughtful. Her face filled with an innocent sadness. Maybe my words were finally sinking in. “It seems we both could benefit from the wisdom of your words.”
She’s right.
A quiet peace settles over me and everything in my body stills.
I could show her. Prove how easy it is to live by my words. I could let go of the past, the guilt and the demons that haunt me. As long as she was here by my side, I didn’t see a problem trying.
“Let me help you,” I looking down her, amazed with the clarity of my feelings. I lean into to her, stopping inches from her lips. She licks hers in response and lifts up onto her toes waiting.
“Only if you let me do the same for you,” she brushes her nose against mine. My heart clenches in response. She already had helped me, far more than any person I allowed in my life. My choice was to give it all to her and I knew I could do it.
Nodding over our agreement, I softly place my lips against hers, sealing the deal.
“You know you’re precious too, Hudson,” her voice is breathy and thick.
Fuck, I swear to myself, as the words wash over me. I was never going to be able to let this woman go, no, not after she told me that.
Chapter 21
Hudson
I look down at the screen of my burner phone and cringe.
Devlin.
I wasn’t expecting a call from him for another few weeks, something was wrong. I couldn’t think of any reason why he would call me, unless my cover had been blown. I don’t know how it could have been. I was careful.
I started as a buyer, the very bottom of the barrel. When things became more comfortable, I ventured a job from my dealer. He introduced me to Devlin and from there I worked my way up the chain. I was always careful to tie up any loose ends before skipping town. They never asked where I disappeared to, which was in their best interest. The kind of work I did for them, a man needed an unknown place to lay his head. I look down at the phone again, it could also be nothing. A simple check in.
Slipping into character, I clear my throat and connect the call.
“Dev,” I try to sound surprised, which isn’t hard since it’s true.
“There’s trouble,” he rasps, his voice grave. Straight to the point, that’s him. If Dev wasn’t a bad guy, I could actually see us being friends.
“What kind of trouble,” I ask, careful not to give myself away. My gut tells me this is a personal trouble, not the family kind.
“Someone’s been asking about you,” he drawls slowly, his mouth muffled. The few times I’d met Dev in person, I noticed his chain smoking. A nervous habit but the man carried the family’s army on his back.
“A man?” I ask taking a wild guess at who he was talking about.
“You know then,” he stated matter of fact. I hold back a growl, it was Erik then. The slug must have used his connections to find out more about me. I need to find this son of a bitch and put him out of his misery before he fucks everything up for me. “What’s this about?”
“Banged his wife,” I tell him, reciting my practiced answer. He chuckles and falls into a coughing fit from his blackened lungs.
“Not the story he’s telling,” he clears his throat and takes a deep drag from his cigarette before continuing. “Says you more than banged her. Says you lied about her whereabouts. Says you smuggled her out of the state. Even says you’re working for the cops.”
“He said all of that?” I give him a practiced laugh. “Damn, I must be better than I thought.”
“This isn’t a joke man,” Dev’s demeanor changes. “The family’s heard about your extracurricular activities and this shit is a no go for them.”
“Dev, I helped the broad scratch an itch he wasn’t man enough to do himself. Banged that pussy so hard, she begged for more while choking on my cock. Bitch was starving for it.”
“I’m not saying you didn’t bang his broad, but man, he said you’re undercover for a man who does some special ops bullshit,” his voice is lower, more urgent now. My stomach drops. How the fuck?
“You’re fucking me,” I struggle to remain calm, realizing everything I’ve worked so hard is about to go up in flames. I just might take Kingston and the guys with me too. “I ain’t a cop Dev.”
“Aren’t you though?”
“What the fuck are you saying?”
“Did you or did you not keep him from his wife?”
“Did I what?”
“Hudson, I’m going to have to call you in if we don’t get this shit worked out now and if I call you in, this goes before the family and you don’t want that.”
That was the last thing I wanted but I also knew I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. Fuck!
“Do you think I would have dirtied my hands doing the shit I’ve done for the family if I was a traitor? If I was undercover, would I have killed all those fuckers in front of you? Two years I have given this family, done everything ever asked of me without question and some asshole comes along, probably looking to out me for some personal profit and you believe him,” it was time to drive home my point and turn the table. “Do you even know this fool? How do you know he ain’t a cop?”
“He ain’t a cop,” Dev drawls but I don’t let up. Fuck, for him to say that means he knows Erik or at least, knows about him.
“How do you know? You’ve known me two years and you think I’m a cop.”
“Didn’t say you were a cop.”
“What the fuck are you saying then?” I take a breath. “I fucked his wife Devlin, that’s it, that’s all. Don’t know nothing about where she is or who’s she’s fucking now. Skank ass pussy, Dev, wasn’t even worth it.”
“They wanna see you,” he blows his smoke into the phone. He didn’t believe me.
Shit, shit, shit. This was not good.
“Fine, they wanna see, they can see me,” I exclaim. “When and where?”
“Three days from now, in Detroit,” he pauses. “Your flights already booked. There will be someone waiting for you to arrive.”
“I don’t fly,” I tell him. I always insist on providing my own way, my own transportation.
“You do now,” Dev says matter of fact. His voice changes with the next part. “Not going to need a vehicle for this trip Hudson, family’s going to provide everything for you, see you in three days.”
Devlin ends the call I swallow hard, my eyes going to the bedroom where Alice rests. This was bad. The family ordering me to Detroit meant they were questioning my loyalty. I understood that part. They wanted me to rely on them for everything is what worried me. My phone dinged with a new email alert, my flight itinerary I’m sure.
I open the email, reviewing my instructions. There wasn’t any yet but Devlin left a brief note. Apparently he believed me. I just had to convince the family I am who I say I am.
Fuck.
I flip through my call list on my main phone and dial Kingston. We needed to call a meeting. This new development wasn’t going to sit well with him or the rest of the crew.
*****
King sits at the head of the large table in the conference room, his hands clasped, anchored under his chin. The guys, the ones in town at least, sat on either side of him. I told them of Devlin’s call and the Family’s request. Their set faces tell me they know the severity of the problem but I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about Alice.
I let them hash it out, running through every possible scenario, exploring the possibilities. Dizzy, Bear and Zero would be my backup but I didn’t want them in Detroit with me. I already knew what I was going to have to do and there wasn’t anything they could do to better support me. The family was going to be watching me like a hawk. Any chance of busting these assholes was fading and I would have to work fast to have any hope of making this job successful. This meant I needed faces and names of the leader
s, the shot callers and negotiators. My forced meeting with the family might get me the information but at what cost was the question. The price might be too high. What good would all this work do if I wasn’t alive to report it? A month ago this choice wouldn’t have been that big of a deal but now I had Alice to think about and what it would mean to her if I didn’t come back.
“I’m not going,” I tell them. Four sets of eyes land on me.
“You’re going to risk two years of work?” King’s hands drop to his lap, his eyes narrow on me. He knows why I’m making this choice.
“King, we can always try with someone else,” Zero says, his eyes on our boss.
“Too much time and money has spent getting Hudson where he is. We can’t afford to start over, we’re too close,” he shakes his head and glares at me. “You don’t have a choice. We’re one meeting away from shutting this shit down.”
I roll my eyes, my stomach twisting in knots. Fuck, he’s going to make me say it.
“I can’t leave her,” the words leave my mouth soft and hard. I’m trying to stay firm but I know he’s right. The thought of leaving her does something to me, something I can’t explain.
“Which is why I made sure the guys were here today,” he reaches over and pushes the intercom button, summoning Annabelle. “Annabelle, send her in please.”
The door opens and Missy comes into the room, her eyes meet mine. She’s trying to remain neutral but I know her better, she’s scared as fuck. I don’t know what King told her but she knows something is up.
“You called my sister?” I turn to him, finding the moment incredulous.
“Yes, I called your sister,” he grunts. “You’re going to need all the support you can get.”
“Hudson, please, let me help,” Missy’s voice comes from beside me. She reaches out and touches my shoulder, sitting in the empty chair next to me. I close my eyes and sigh, King was right. Too much time had been put into this case, too much blood had spilt and it would be all for nothing if I don’t let them help me.
Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) Page 16
