His words penetrate the shell of my heart and I can’t hold back anymore. I lift my head and kiss him. I never thought I’d feel this whole in my life again and it was because of him. How I had gotten so lucky was beyond me.
“If I wasn’t so tired, I’d show you just how much they can’t compare,” I giggle against his lips. He lifts off of me and settles beside me, pulling my body against his, like a spoon. I sigh contently.
“Sleep precious,” he kisses my ear. My eyes are heavy, my body sated and my heart full it doesn’t take long to find sleep. Just as we started the day in each other’s arms, we end it the same.
Yes, I’d go through all of it again if the end result was a lifetime of this moment.
“I love you…”
*****
Hudson
My heart stops.
Her words were barely a whisper but they hit me like a ton of bricks.
The seriousness of the last few days claws at my mind. I don’t know what I expected to be at the end of all of this but there was no way we could go back from here. Surprisingly I was alright with it but it wasn’t until those three words slipped from her mouth did I realize how much was invested. And it scares me. I can’t help worrying if I am worthy of her love or if loving her back is a good for her.
I was set to leave in a little over twelve hours and I was beginning to believe it was the best thing for us. Using this opportunity to put some space and distance between us would allow the rush of emotions to cool and their intensity to fade, better to assess our feelings later.
I care for her, deeply and I always said I’d never let a woman in this close again but she was unlike any woman I’d ever known. She’s strong, passionate and soft all at once. Her laugh fills the room with warmth, her smile lights up the dark and her voice is a silky song I’d put on repeat. She deserves a man who can love her with everything he is, with every breath he takes and who will give her the life she deserves.
I just wasn’t sure if that man was me.
Chapter 26
Alice
1 week later...
Hudson has been gone a week and I haven’t heard a peep from him. Besides the initial text to let me know he landed safely, it was silent. The guys and Missy assured me he was making all of his required check-ins and his silence was normal for a job like this. Upon further prodding I discovered his check-ins happened to be an email every other day, which didn’t make me happy at all. I argued with King explaining how easy it would be to forge an email. I think proceeded to question how he runs his operations. Thankfully he was a patient man and he understood my reactions were out of worry and love. I hate to think of what could’ve happened had he not been the man he is.
Hudson and I hadn’t talked about keeping in contact while he was away but I had assumed with things they way they were between us, I’d at least hear from him from time to time. It wasn’t just me though. Beyond the emails, no one had heard from him at all. I felt like I needed to know how he was and an email with a code word or phrase to indicate health and safety was not going to cut it for me. He had become a big part of my life and it felt wrong to have him missing from it, even for a week. My chest aches from not seeing him and hearing his voice every day.
I spent more time in his house than was probably healthy but I found a comfort among his things. I did get out, occasionally meeting Missy for lunch or an impromptu shopping trip. I even scheduled a pedicure appointment at Eleanor’s Beauty Bucket, choosing a lavender color for my toes this time. Missy called often and she stopped in with late dinners after her shift at the hospital. We would gorge on Chinese takeout and watch movies until one of us passed out. I secretly hoped she would have some news about him each time we met up and I found myself more and more disappointed when she didn’t.
I’d gotten to know the guys better. They were great but I felt bad, surely they have better things to do than babysit me. Most of the time, like the times I couldn’t use the bathroom without questions, I was furious for not putting up more of a fight when Hudson decided I needed bodyguards. After a few days, the guys loosened up and I didn’t feel like I was under lock and key. My guard duty has consisted mostly of Dizzy and Zero, although King had relieved them one evening and I made him a kick ass meal for it. Bear did an overnight shift but he refused to come inside, opting to sleep in his truck.
Dizzy was the most talkative of the four and the group comedian. He comes from a large family, one he hadn’t seen in years but he avoids the subject of them like the plague. I heard a lot about the team’s shenanigans from him, but he never talked about the day their lives changed. I did learn more about Preacher and it was clear he meant something to everyone, not just Hudson. Losing him shook the entire team.
Zero was quiet, not broody quiet. He put thought into his words and never said anything unless he had given it careful thought. I found this interesting because you’d never know how well spoken he was unless you talked with him. Zero was a natural born orator. Listening to him was like being transformed back in time to a day when men spoke eloquently and their words meant something. He looked like a hardcore fighter, one you wouldn’t want to come face to face in a dark alley but the moment he opened his mouth, you knew he was more than an ass kicker.
King is the papa-bear of the group. He came to Astoria to check on Hudson’s recovery. He stayed because he felt responsible for what happened to him and he liked the area. He was looking for a new place to settle down and Astoria wasn’t too far from his ex-wife and two children who lived in San Francisco. At least that’s what he wanted me to believe but I had a feeling Missy had a lot more to do with his decision to stay then he let on.
The guys started to get restless sometime after their discharge, often getting into trouble with the law. King didn’t want to see any member of his team behind bars, so he called them to Astoria and together they started the company, Cole Securities. It was an opportunity for them to use their skills and training successfully and it had worked out well for them all.
“Alice,” Missy’s voice calls from the kitchen interrupting my thoughts. I curled up in Hudson’s chair with a book ages ago but couldn’t concentrate on a single word. “Are you here?”
“In here,” I respond barely looking up from my book, trying to find where I left off. Dizzy sits on the couch watching the sports highlights for the day. Missy’s shadow fills the doorway and I look up to see her arms heavy with grocery bags.
“What’s all that?” I ask from the chair, eyeing her wearily. I place my bookmarker in my book before closing it and setting it aside.
“You need a little fun in your life,” Missy walks backward into the kitchen, a sneaky smile on her face. I stand from my chair, smack Dizzy on the arm as I pass him and he stands to follow me. The sound of bags rustling, cabinets opening and closing comes from the kitchen.
“I didn’t need anything from the store,” I voice cautiously, stepping into the kitchen.
“Do you have tequila?” she asks, her arms disappearing into yet another bag.
“No, why would I need tequila?”
She pulls a bottle of margarita mix from the bag, placing it down in front of me. “You need the tequila to mix with this.”
“Oh shit, Missy’s Margarita Monday,” Dizzy chuckles excitedly. Apparently, he knew what the tequila was meant for when Missy asked. He steps past me and begins helping her unpack the groceries, putting them away into the fridge and cabinets.
“Sorry Diz, girl’s night this time around,” she pats him gently on the arm, her smile teasing.
“Shit,” he cringes. “Please tell me I’m not on duty tonight.”
“You’re not,” she chuckles. “King will swing by later to check in on us and I think Bear will be here afterwards.”
“Oh great, the buzz killer,” he sighs somberly, the joy is sucked away for the moment at the mention Bear.
“Come on now, you know he’s going through some stuff,” Missy places her hands on her hips, her mama-bear
stance.
“When isn’t he—”
“He doesn’t come in,” I interrupt him, sensing whatever was about to come out of his mouth was going to piss Missy off.
“Wait a second,” Missy turns and faces me, still in her mama-bear stance but her face a frown. “What do you mean he doesn’t come in?”
“He had babysitting duty the other night,” my voice is soft but Dizzy flinches at the word. He hates when I refer to them as babysitters, in fact none of the guys like it but it’s how I feel. “He pulled up and Zero took off on his bike. I waited for him to come in but he didn’t. I walked out to his truck, invited him, offered to warm up some dinner but all he did was grunt and order me back into the house. I went back inside because quite frankly, he scares me. He sat in his truck all night as far as I know. I never heard him come in.”
“Did you know anything about this?” Missy turns to Dizzy. “You guys are supposed to stay in the house, those are your orders.”
“I didn’t know about this,” Dizzy holds his hands up defensively. “I wasn’t his relief. I would’ve said something if I had known though.”
“It’s not a big deal really,” I say, trying to diffuse the situation. Nothing bad happened and after I came inside, I set the alarm knowing if Bear needed to get in, he knew the code.
“It is a big deal,” Missy turns on me, her eyes burn intensely. I brace for the full impact of her words, knowing they weren’t going to be pretty. “I know you don’t like being babysat, as you put it, but it’s for your own good. There’s a psychopath out there looking for you Alice. A man you escaped not once but twice and barely. My brother, who by the way has fallen in love with you, had to finish this job. He didn’t want to, he had to. He wanted to risk two years of hard work because he didn’t want to leave you unprotected. Your babysitters were the only way we could get him to go. The guarantee you would always have someone with you, watching, protecting and caring for you was the only way to get him to go. So don’t tell me it isn’t a big deal, because it is a big deal.”
I’m stunned, speechless and completely embarrassed. I hadn’t put any of what she said into thought. I never imagined Hudson would have a hard time leaving me behind, especially since I hadn’t heard from him in over a week. Her words also remind me of the danger I’d easily forgotten. The comfort I’d grown accustomed to here in this sleepy town, surrounded by people who care about me, I stopped looking over my shoulder. I hadn’t thought about Erik for some time now and while that fact was freeing, Missy had reminded me of how much I’ve let my guard down.
“You’re right,” I whisper looking into her eyes. I finally understand the love and care in everyone’s actions, not just for Hudson but for me as well. She knew it finally clicked for me too because she stepped back and offered me a small smile.
“Who do you plan on feeding with all this food and drink?” I laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
“We’re going to be hosting your first girl’s night,” she turns away from me but not before I see her glassy eyes. She pulls out a cutting board and knife from the drawer next to her. “Dizzy will you cut up the veggies for me, please?”
“I don’t know anyone,” I watch her move around the kitchen, pulling out various bowls and plates. She was a woman on a mission.
“Yes, you do,” she says over her shoulder. “Bobbi, Marge, Kelly, Pinkie and Annabelle. You haven’t met Annabelle yet but she’s family. You’ll love her. She works for King, answering the phones, filing shit, keeping his and the boy’s asses in check. You’ll love her, we all do.”
“Be careful Alice, Annabelle is a real badass,” Dizzy teases from his station at the cutting board.
“If she keeps your ass in check, I’d say so,” Missy laughs loudly. Dizzy shakes his head and goes back to the veggies. I swallow hard, feeling a little nervous.
“I’ve never had a drink before,” I tell them and my mind spins. This was uncharted territory for me. Both Dizzy and Missy stop what they’re doing and turn to look at me. Their eyes are wide, shock written all over their faces.
“Missy, can I stay?” Dizzy smiles, his eyes alight. “Please say I can stay. I don’t want to miss this.”
“Not going to happen, Diz,” she winks and turns back to her task, dumping a cake mix into a large bowl. “Girls only.”
“Come on, just one drink,” Dizzy pleads, his vegetables forgotten.
“Can’t do it,” she laughs again, cracking eggs into the bowl. “Besides, we’ll probably be talking about things too delicate for your ears.”
“Hey, you forget I grew up with four sisters. I don’t think there’s anything anyone can say that would faze me.”
“Unless you want to hear about Hudson’s well-endowed member, you might want to rethink what you just said,” she chuckles, shooting me another wink. They weren’t really going to want to know that, were they?
“Gross Missy, that’s your brother,” Dizzy shakes his face, a disgusted look replaces his smile.
“I didn’t say I want to hear about it,” she shrugs, pouring milk into the bowl before stirring the mixture. “Besides I can always run the blender when that subject comes up, drown out all the details.”
*****
I lick my lips tasting the salt from the glass of my third margarita. My face is numb, my limbs are like jelly but my body is completely relaxed. I’ve never felt this good and I liked it. My mind was free for the first time in years. I couldn’t keep a thought even if I tried.
Damn, who ever invented the margarita should be given a gold medal.
“What about you Alice,” Kelly sipped her drink, her green eyes were cat-like, a feature I always wanted. “Where’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?”
“Kelly,” Missy’s clear voice quips, there’s a worried crease in-between her brows.
“What? I’m just trying to include her,” Kelly shrugs, her face is flush. She’s had a few drinks herself.
“It’s all right, Missy,” I slur, my words were becoming harder to form. It was a sobering moment because these women didn’t know what my past held or the nightmares I lived. I wasn’t about to tell them what’d I’d been through, not even Missy knew the details. These women though, there was something about them taking me in, making me apart of their group without question, I felt like I could say anything. “I haven’t had a conventional sex life, in fact up until Hudson, I doubt you could call what I experienced sex at all.”
I don’t know if it was lack of inhibitions or the weight of my secrets but I couldn’t keep them in anymore. I didn’t want to.
“I told him,” I stare off into the nothing around, conjuring the image of Hudson’s face the night I told him everything. “I told him everything. Didn’t hold back. Gave it all to him. It was ugly but I needed him to know, needed him to understand why I’m no good for him. He stood there, looking at me, listening to the words and took it all in without flinching. In the end, when I had bared the worst of it to him, I was sure he’d turn me out, tell me to get lost. He didn’t. He pulled me into his arms and explained just how precious I am to him and that I had it all wrong. He wasn’t good enough for me.”
“Oh my word,” Marge breathed. I blink back the tears that had fallen during my story and notice how many sets of eyes were on me at the moment. They each looked at me with love and compassion.
“What kind of man does that, says those beautiful words and then doesn’t call?” my frustrations of the last week finally bubbles over. “I need to know he’s all right.”
“I’m sure he is just fine darlin’,” Bobbi reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“I know but it’s frustrating,” my killer buzz is fading fast and I’m starting to feel the knot return into the middle of my chest. “I told him I loved him.”
“You did?” Missy squeals excitedly. “What did he say?”
“Nothing, which is fine, I didn’t expect him to say it back but he seemed alright with it,” I explain, staring down at my fingers. They aren’t f
lying wildly with movement, another thing that’s changed with me. “At least I thought he was but maybe he wasn’t. I mean, why else would he cut me out like this?”
“Alice, honey, it’s always like this when he goes on a job” Missy explains, sitting down next to me. She looks at me with a sad smile.
“It’s easier for him, for all of them actually, to concentrate on the job,” Annabelle, whom I’ve come to adore since meeting this evening, cuts in. She’s the only woman whose eyes aren’t filled with pity. “It’s hard for them if they have to worry about what’s going on at home. I’m not surprised you haven’t heard from him honestly, it means he trusts his brothers to do their job so he can do his.”
I stare at her for a moment, taking in her calm and collected self. She may be the oldest of our group but I could see her heart was young. I appreciated her honesty and I was surprised to find how much it helped.
“I’m a mess, aren’t I?” I ask Annabelle, needing her honesty.
“I wouldn’t say that, given this is probably all new for you. Now you have a better understanding of things and the way of it,” she nods, placing her hands on her hips and smiles. “The alcohol hasn’t helped your emotions tonight but don’t feel bad.”
“I feel better talking to you all,” I giggle, wiping my nose on a napkin. “Probably doesn’t help I’ve never had a drink before tonight.”
“Nope, but with all said and done, we need to get you another drink and Missy needs to break out that damn karaoke machine,” she laughs, lifting her glass. “I’m in the mood for a little Elvis tonight.”
I laugh, noting how the demeanor of the room has changed back to the lighthearted mood it once was. I felt better, closer to these women. I just couldn’t help worrying what saying goodbye to them would be like, if Hudson returned and didn’t want me after all.
Chapter 27
Hudson
Later that night…
Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) Page 19
