He walked with her, keeping her out of the light until he could get her to a side entrance. “Go on upstairs and freshen up,” he told her. “I’ll be along in a little while.”
“Where are you going?”
“I just want to walk alone for a while, to clear my head.” Lee bent down to taste her mouth once more. God, he didn’t want to hurt her, but how could he not hurt her? It was either going to happen now, or if they stayed together, it would happen later. One way or another, their differences were going to destroy the delicate love they shared. “Good night, Audra.”
He turned and left, and Audra watched after him, wondering why, after the wonderful feelings he had stirred in her tonight, after discovering that Lee Jeffreys did love her…why did she feel this ominous dread? Her joy had lasted such a short while. Now something had changed. “I love you, Lee,” she called out, but she could not see him.
Had what just happened been real? She touched her breast and could still feel a moistness left by his lips. Yes, it had been very real.
5
Audra buttoned her yellow dress up to the throat. This morning she would see Lee in the full light of day, and she was not sure she could face him after what she had let him do last night. Had they both lost their minds…or just their hearts? It seemed important today to look as decent as possible. What must Lee think of her? She certainly couldn’t appear at the breakfast table with her breasts billowing invitingly out of her gown again. He might think her a loose woman after all.
She didn’t even know what to think of herself. Was he laughing at her this morning, or did he just think she was easily swayed by a man’s touch? She fussed with her hair, asking Toosie to brush it out in back. She would wear it with the sides pulled into combs. She looked younger with her hair hanging down long, more innocent. That was good. That was how she must look this morning. She had wept half the night, and she hoped the powders she had used did a good enough job of hiding the circles under her eyes. The tears had not been over Cy Jordan’s insults. They had been over the worry that the near-painful love she felt for Lee was hopeless.
Something deep inside told her she could never really have the man, yet never had she wanted anything so much in her life. She was used to getting what she wanted, but Lee Jeffreys was not something she could have at the snap of her finger, or buy with her father’s money. Perhaps if she knew more about men, she would know how to snare and hold him, but already she had said or done something that would cause her to lose him. She had sensed it last night, after Anna Jeffreys had called out to them. Perhaps if his mother had not come along…
“I looked in on you last night and heard you crying,” Toosie told her as she brushed Audra’s auburn locks. “Miss Audra, you shouldn’t let that Mr. Jordan upset you like that. He just doesn’t understand.”
Audra looked at Toosie in the mirror, surprised at the remark. “You disagree with Mr. Jordan? I should think you would have rejoiced at his attack on slavery.”
Toosie lowered her arm and met her gaze in the mirror. “Mr. Jordan does not understand how it is for some of us. I have grown up at Brennan Manor. It is my home. If someone told me I was free to do as I wished, I would probably stay right there and keep doing what I have always done. I do not need my freedom, Miss Audra. I only need to know I will not be sold.”
Audra rose, turning to face her. She was never quite sure how to feel about Toosie, who was an exceptionally beautiful woman of mixed blood. She was soft-spoken, surprisingly proud for her station in life, and very intelligent.
She was loyal, and sometimes she seemed to want to be friends. There were moments when Audra felt she would like nothing better, when she thought about confiding secret feelings to Toosie, who was seven years older than she.
She wished she could talk to her now about Lee. She suspected Toosie would understand. There had been a romance once, between Toosie and a field slave named Elijah. She remembered some kind of argument between her father and Toosie’s mother, remembered the day Elijah had been sold. Toosie had cried all day and remained on the verge of tears for many days after that. Had she loved the man? Did Negroes have the same feelings that way as whites? Ever since then, Toosie’s mother had protected her like a hawk, always preaching that Toosie was meant for only the best, a man who had earned a higher station than tending stables or picking cotton.
“I should have allowed you to answer Mr. Jordan yourself,” she told Toosie. “I would have liked for all those people to hear what you just told me.” She wanted to reach out and hug the woman, but she held back. It was much too improper. “I would never sell you, Toosie. We…we’ve been together too long. You know everything about me, how I like my things—and who on earth can do my hair better than you?” Besides, we are very good friends, aren’t we? she wanted to add. “You are much too valuable to me ever to let you go, just like Father would never sell Lena.”
Toosie nodded, wondering how Miss Audra Brennan would feel about her and her mother, if she learned the truth that only they and Audra’s father knew. Perhaps then she would sell her, and insist her father sell Lena, just as fast as possible. The man would do it, if Audra insisted. Audra always came first, always would.
“Perhaps if things came to be that we Negroes were declared free, your father might have to turn us out,” she told Audra. “He would cut his help because he would have to pay them.”
“Father would always find a way to keep you and Lena. Besides, they might be able to keep us from buying or birthing new slaves, but the government cannot make us free those we already have. Father and the others will never let the Yankees tell us what we can and cannot do!” The Yankees, she thought. Lee is a Yankee. How could I think he could come to Brennan Manor and be happy? “Why, my goodness, the whole house would fall into shambles without Lena to run the place.”
Toosie felt an odd foreboding, a silent fear she could not name. Things were changing. She had sensed it more since being here in the North, keeping to the shadows and listening to Lee Jeffreys talk about abolishing slavery, about how the Federal government was going to find a way to force the South to give up the practice. She knew men like Joseph Brennan, terribly stubborn and proud and defiant. A good deal of trouble was brewing, and she was afraid of where that would leave people like her.
Audra leaned closer to the mirror to clip on a pair of tiny sapphire earrings. “Governor Wickliffe and the governors and congressmen of the other southern states will make sure nothing changes, even if we have to secede from the Union and form our own country,” she told Toosie. And where would that leave me and Lee? she wondered. They had argued about the importance of an undivided Union, about states’ rights. Lee considered talk of secession as nothing short of traitorous. Never had she felt so torn and confused as she did this morning. Maybe, by some miracle, Lee had thought about how much they loved each other, and thought of a way they could always be together…
Toosie was herself wondering if Audra’s tears had been for Lee Jeffreys. She had not missed the way the two looked at each other. Audra’s father would be furious if he knew how much time they had spent together, and she worried that Audra was heading for a broken heart. She knew the feeling. Her own heart had never quite mended after Elijah was sold. She had never seen him again, and she wondered if he had forgotten about her over these last three years.
“Is…is there anything else upsetting you?” she dared to ask Audra. She could not help feeling a little sorry for her. Audra had absolutely no female to whom she could turn for help and advice, except her cousin Eleanor, who knew only about lust, nothing about love. At home Audra was surrounded by Negro women, with whom no white southern woman would talk about intimate matters. She was sure that Audra’s tutor, Miss Geresy, had never discussed men or sexual matters with Audra. Her only purpose was to teach Audra proper etiquette and how to run a household. There was no warmth to the woman, no concern for Audra’s feelings. Perhaps she was stepping out of place even to ask Audra if she wanted to talk about an
ything else, but wasn’t there at least some form of friendship between them after all these years? She saw a pleading look in Audra’s eyes, but quickly it vanished.
“For goodness’ sake, Toosie, if there was anything upsetting me, I certainly would not talk with you about it!” She straightened and studied herself in the mirror. “I have already said more than I should.” She stood back, deciding she looked “respectable” enough to face Lee. “I’ll be going for a walk with Mr. Jeffreys after breakfast, so I won’t need you for a while. Do what you can to help the house servants, and don’t go getting in anyone’s way.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Toosie answered. She wanted to ask if Audra was again going off unescorted, wanted to warn her of the dangers of falling in love with someone of whom her father would highly disapprove; but she had obviously already overstepped her bounds. If Audra Brennan wanted to dive headfirst into trouble and heartache, there was nothing she could do about it. She thought she detected a look of sudden remorse in Audra’s eyes for her abrupt remarks, but then the girl turned and headed out the door without another word.
How many times had she longed to tell Audra Brennan that she loved her, like a sister, like a friend? She saw beyond Audra’s haughty attitude, knew she was fighting her own need to share and be close. She loved her for the way she looked after and defended poor Joey. Audra was a good person. If she had not been raised by Joseph Brennan, she would be free to show more of that goodness. Lee Jeffreys had brought some of it out of her, but her young and innocent heart was going to be broken by that man. Of that Toosie was certain.
“I think I’ll be leaving for New York later today, Mother,” Lee told Anna. He looked across the table at the woman, and from the corner of his eye he could see Audra slowly lower her fork, felt her eyes on him. “I have already stayed longer than I intended. I have some important cases that I have to get back to.”
“Oh, Lee, I’ll miss you so. I just wish you would visit when your father and brothers do.”
“We’ll manage it again somehow.” He glanced at Audra, noticed the pale look about her. She was blinking back tears, and he hated seeing it, hated knowing he was hurting her. Most of all, he hated himself for having let his liquor and the magic of last night get the better of him. He had done a damned fool thing, and he could possibly never make up for it. “I’d like to take a walk later,” he told her, “if you’re up to it.”
Audra nodded, looking down at her plate. She was no longer hungry. The slim hope that Lee was going to announce to the world that he loved her and wanted to marry her vanished, along with her appetite.
Lee glanced at Joey, seeing there, too, another disappointed look. “Joey, we’ve had some good talks. You remember what I told you about slowing down when you speak. Concentrate on each word. Pretend you’re singing it if you have to.” He gave the boy a wink. “We’ve had some good times together. You’re a hell of a marksman, and your father will be proud to see how your speech has improved.”
“Thank you, Lee. I sure will miss you.” Joey spoke the words slowly, just as Lee had taught him. “Maybe we c-can write.”
Lee nodded. “I’d like that. I’ll give you my address before I go, and you can give me yours. You can keep me informed on the happenings at Brennan Manor.” He glanced at Audra again, who was only toying with her food. “I’ll want to hear from both of you.”
Audra caught the affection in the words. She met his eyes, so very, very blue, framed by those dark lashes. He looked more handsome than ever this morning. Was it because he was going away and she might never see him again? Was it because she knew he loved her? Because he had kissed her last night, had tasted her breast? The memory brought fire to her blood, and a rush of crimson to her cheeks.
“I’m sorry about Cy,” Anna was telling Lee. “I don’t know why your father doesn’t get rid of that man and hire you to represent him. It makes no sense at all.”
“Cy’s been with him a long time. It’s hard to dismiss a man who has worked for you for twenty-some years.”
“Just the same, I don’t like him, and I intend to tell your father what he did last night.”
Lee did not reply. There were things his gentle mother was better off not knowing. She liked to think she had a loving family and that he and his brothers and father all got along famously. Why spoil her pretty little picture?
Audra excused herself, apologizing for not having much of an appetite. Anna Jeffreys in turn apologized for Cy Jordan’s verbal abuse of the night before, sure that Audra’s hollow-eyed look and lack of appetite were due to Jordan’s humiliating remarks. “I want you to put it right out of your mind,” she told Audra. “We will go on with your lessons, and you will do another concert for our friends. Cy Jordan will not be invited, I assure you. You saw how kind everyone was to you when you came back to greet them last night.”
“Yes, they were kind,” Audra answered. She hated them all, but she could not bring herself to tell Anna that. They had smiled and apologized for Jordan and raved about her talent, but behind the smiles and cool handshakes, she had sensed the animosity, as well as the curiosity planted in their minds by Cy Jordan. She had defended Brennan Manor, her father, and her way of life, and it had all made her just want to go home; but not without Lee.
She left the dining room and walked out onto the veranda. It was a beautiful morning, sun shining, sea gulls calling, a warm breeze coming off the Sound. Fishing boats cruised far out in the water, and because the morning was so clear, she could see the vague outline of Long Island across the Sound. Somewhere to the southwest lay Manhattan, where Lee worked, but too many miles away to see.
Lee Jeffreys lived and worked in the middle of a city where she knew she could never be happy. Over a thousand miles farther to the south lay Louisiana, Brennan Manor, home, a place where Lee, in turn, could never be happy. It was very clear Lee was having the same thoughts.
She heard his footsteps behind her then, felt his hand at her waist. “Let’s walk to the flower gardens,” he told her.
Audra did not look into his eyes. She couldn’t. She loved him too much to see what was there. He led her off the steps to the east side of the house and into the manicured pathways that led through a maze of flowering plants and bushes. He said nothing until they reached a gazebo shrouded in climbing roses. He led her inside and sat down on a bench, urging her to sit beside him.
“I already know what you are going to say,” she told him. “I am so ashamed of last night—”
He grasped her arms and made her look at him. “Don’t ever be ashamed of it, Audra. You only reacted like a beautiful woman in love, a woman who wanted nothing more than to demonstrate that love. I haven’t felt this way about a woman since Mary Ellen, and even she didn’t make me behave so foolishly. I’m a grown man who should have known better than to take advantage of your innocence that way, but something happened…I don’t know. I’ve never lost control of myself that way, and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t just the liquor and the way you looked last night. It was all because I love you, and for a little while I wanted to pretend I could have you; but it would never, never work, Audra. You already know that, don’t you?”
She glanced down at her lap, feeling entirely inadequate and inexperienced. What should she say that might change his mind? “It could work, Lee, if we tried really hard—”
He took hold of her chin and forced her to look at him. “Audra, when you’re so young, you think love can conquer all things. I know that it can’t. You think my mother is so terribly happy, but it’s her sons that keep her going. I caught her crying one night a few years ago, and in a very vulnerable moment she told me that in spite of how much she loves my father, she has never been truly happy since giving up her singing career. It was a stipulation of their marriage. Father didn’t want her traveling all over the world instead of being a wife to him. It eroded their relationship until the last few years they have really had nothing between them. If not for her sons she might even have left him, but by then it
was too late to rebuild her career.”
He moved his hand under some of her hair that hung over her shoulder and pushed it back. “I don’t want that, Audra. There is much more against us than a possible singing career for you. There is Brennan Manor. You are Brennan Manor. Can you tell me, honestly, that you could leave your father and Joey and your home in the South forever? I could never live there, Audra. That’s what you expect, isn’t it? You want me to go back with you and learn to love that life.”
“But it’s a wonderful life, Lee. We could be so happy—”
“No. You could be happy. I would be miserable. I would be living a lie, just as you would be to stay here with me.” He studied her lovingly, kissed her forehead. “If things were different, if there wasn’t this trouble brewing in the country, maybe it would be easier for us. But right now, people up here are cold to you. You’re a southern girl, the daughter of a plantation owner who buys and sells slaves. Down South I would be a Yankee, and totally unwelcome. I would hate that way of life, Audra, all the talk of secession. It would come between us. I can’t take you away from what you love any more than my father had a right to take my mother away from what she loved. They should have ended it before it began, as we have a chance to do right now. I don’t want to end up arguing, to end up hating each other. Before this is all over, a lot of people are going to be hating each other. Friends are going to become enemies, Audra, even within families. I can see it coming.”
She frowned, pulling out of his grasp, angry that he apparently did not love her enough to see that nothing could destroy that love. “I just cannot imagine things getting that bad. For heaven’s sake, our government can surely work it all out. It’s a simple matter of states’ rights, which have always been recognized and must continue to be. I told you that we want to get rid of slavery as much as you northerners do, but we would be ruined in a day, if it was done quickly. The Negroes must be taught how to live on their own, or perhaps sent back to Africa. You cannot take millions of uneducated people who are totally dependent on their masters and just suddenly set them free, Lee. It would be a disaster for all of us, including the Negroes! I simply don’t understand why you and others like you cannot understand that, or why things like that should matter when it comes to how much we love each other. Why, you could live a grand life at Brennan Manor.” She rose and faced him. “It’s so beautiful there. Once you got used to it—”
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