Always, Lee.
One man nearby sat writing a letter to the woman he planned to marry. Lee desperately longed to know a woman waited somewhere for him, but the only woman he’d ever truly loved was the enemy now, and she belonged to someone else. Audra was gone from his life, yet for some reason he could not fully explain, he had brought her song with him into battle. He carried it in his inside breast pocket but never looked at it. Just having it close to his heart gave him an unexplainable comfort.
He folded the letter to his father and addressed it, handing it to a private nearby to get it mailed. He settled into his bedroll then, hoping to get at least a couple hours’ sleep, if that was possible. Tomorrow they were to try to take Bull Run again. He had no doubt it was going to be one long day of hell.
19
November 1861
Audra poured punch from a crystal ladle into a glass, handing the drink to a young man she guessed to be close to Joey’s age. His face was lit up with excitement at the prospect of going off to fight for the southern cause. Most of the men here in the ballroom of her Uncle John’s home tonight were just as excited, including her uncle, who had decided that he, too, would lend his services to the Confederate Army. His age and wealth would ensure him of being appointed to a rank much higher than a common private.
Most of these young men seemed truly dedicated, willing to fight and die; but Audra suspected her Uncle John was only looking for glory. He was a pompous man who loved praise and attention. He and Aunt Janine believed that once the war was over and the Union was defeated, his having been an officer in the southern army would virtually guarantee John an important position in the new government, either on the state level or perhaps in the entire Confederacy. Aunt Janine was already talking about moving to Richmond one day soon. The woman did not seem the least bit worried that her husband might never come back at all.
Another young volunteer came to the serving table, and Audra offered him anything he pleased from the platters of sandwiches and fruits. She was glad she had come to Baton Rouge, even though staying with her aunt and uncle was often unpleasant. She had joined a circle of women who sewed flags and uniforms, and she felt as if she were truly contributing to the cause in some useful way. This was the third party her aunt and uncle had held for volunteers who had gathered here for a last farewell before setting off for Virginia, where it was reported thousands more were joining the Confederate Army. Although her aunt and uncle held these parties partly to show off their home and be the center of attention, she was nevertheless glad someone was doing something supportive for their brave southern boys, many of whom must be afraid and homesick.
Audra could not help getting caught up in the spirit of the times. From what she was hearing and reading, she decided perhaps she shouldn’t worry so much about Joey. After all, according to newspaper reports, the Yankees had been soundly whipped at Bull Run, thanks to reinforcements led by General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson. There had been more Confederate victories, at Wilson’s Creek, Missouri, and at Leesburg, Virginia, where it was reported close to two thousand northern soldiers were killed.
That was the frightening part. The numbers of men killed and wounded were already staggering. She could not help wondering if Lee was involved in any of the fighting. Could she really have loved a man who was now truly her enemy? She hated the Yankees in general as much as any Louisianan; their blockade of southern trade was already beginning to strangle the South and affecting her father’s business. Yet she could not ignore her feelings for Lee. He had risked his life to defend her, and there would always be a part of her that ached for him, a corner of her heart that held a special love for him. She dared not let herself think that he was most likely out there somewhere shooting at sweet southern boys like Joey, like those who ate and danced here tonight; such feelings would only tear her apart.
When she helped these young men, she felt as if she were doing something for Joey. Each young man heading for Richmond was given a small hand-sewn flag that represented Louisiana, along with extra pocket money. At the train station and on the docks, depending on which routes were taken to Virginia, Audra and other volunteer women provided the new soldiers with cloth sacks full of biscuits and jerked meat.
The entire project had helped keep Audra’s mind not only off Joey, but also off Richard and Eleanor. Eleanor had been gone the entire two weeks since Audra had arrived in Baton Rouge. She was “visiting” Cypress Hollow, it was said politely. Audra was certain her aunt and uncle knew of the affair though all they would say was that Eleanor had “taken a liking to the country,” and that Richard had been gracious enough to tell her she could visit Cypress Hollow anytime she chose.
Aunt Janine had haughtily chided Audra for “neglecting” her husband, telling her that her place was at Cypress Hollow with Richard, and Audra was glad for the excuse of helping the Confederate cause. She knew that Aunt Janine believed that Eleanor would have made the better wife, after all, and Audra supposed that no matter what the scandal, Aunt Janine hoped Richard might find a way to have his marriage annulled so that he could marry Eleanor. But Audra knew that would never happen. Richard would never drag his own name through the mud. He was using Eleanor for pure pleasure and that was all. She believed he cared no more for her than he might care for any of the Negro women he slept with.
She shivered, realizing that as long as she was his wife, Richard could still send for her whenever he chose. Was it only a matter of time before Lee’s threats wore thin and Richard considered them meaningless? And once her father died, if something happened to Joey, how much power would she have left according to the agreement Richard had been forced to sign?
A small orchestra struck up a waltz, and one young man asked Audra for a dance. She told him she was sorry, that she was married, and he walked away looking disappointed. She hated Richard all the more for putting her in this position—that of a married woman who really didn’t have a husband at all. How long could she go on like this? She so wanted children, had once thought that having babies would fill her life with joy and help her tolerate her existence with Richard; but she just couldn’t go crawling back to him, and that was the only way. Richard was cleverly getting his revenge. The man couldn’t hurt her physically anymore, but he was punishing her this way, dooming her to a lonely, loveless life with no other men in it.
She served another glass of punch to a young man who smiled eagerly, but behind the smile she saw his fear. “God will be with you,” she told him, “and He is on our side.”
The boy nodded. “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Your husband is here,” one of the other women told her then. There was an odd tone to the woman’s voice, and she had emphasized “husband.” Audra looked across the room to see Richard entering the house with Eleanor on his arm! Humiliation filled her so thoroughly that she felt hot. How many people knew what was going on between Eleanor and Richard? The gossip must be intense. Did people blame her, think she was a bad wife? All the women she had met and worked with had treated her kindly, almost too kindly. Did they feel sorry for her?
Eleanor had actually lost some weight, and she was literally glowing as she left Richard’s side and strode across the room in a lovely pale-blue taffeta gown, “Audra, dear cousin, I didn’t know you were in Baton Rouge,” she drawled.
Of course you knew, Audra thought. That’s why you walked into this room on my husband’s arm. How could a woman care so little about what others thought of her? Before she could say a word, Richard appeared at the table, all smiles, putting on his usual show for others. “My darling wife, you are working too hard. Come away from there and dance with me.”
Audra chose not to make a scene here. She put on a smile of her own for the other women present, hoping to quell the hideous gossip that must be running rampant behind her back. “Of course,” she answered. She looked at Eleanor. “Perhaps you will take over for me for a while? We all should do our share, Eleanor. You should not be off lounging in the countr
y when there is so much to be done for the southern cause. It really is shameful.”
Eleanor lifted her chin, her face flushed with jealousy and anger. “I am as ready and willing to help the cause as any of you,” she answered.
Audra shoved a tray of sandwiches into her hands. “Good. Get to work, then.” She moved from behind the table and waltzed away with Richard. She cared little for letting the man even touch her, but she intended to stop the rumors, if possible. It wasn’t that she cared so much what people thought about Eleanor, and she cared not at all what they thought of Richard. What upset her most was that people might think she was at fault for Richard’s philandering.
“Don’t you care what people will say about your walking in with Eleanor?” she asked the man.
Richard’s cold, dark eyes drilled into her as he whirled her in gentle circles to the music. “You are the only one who can put a stop to it,” he answered. “All you have to do is come to Cypress Hollow, where you belong, and come willingly, and I will have no more need of your slutty cousin.” He pasted on a grin as though he were enjoying himself. “In the meantime, she serves a purpose.”
Audra felt her stomach turn. “Is that all I would be to you? A wife’s purpose is more than just servicing her husband in bed and producing litters of babies for him.”
“Really?” His eyes dropped to the soft crests of her bosom, revealed by the demure bodice of her russet-colored velvet dress. He thought her exceedingly beautiful tonight, far outshining any other woman present, certainly easier on the eyes than her plump cousin Eleanor. How he would dearly love to have her back in his bed, but he felt only contempt for her and was not about to apologize for his behavior. She’d deserved every bit of what she’d gotten, and more. He had enjoyed the look of hurt on her face tonight when he first walked into the room with Eleanor. “I never considered a wife good for anything else, except, perhaps, to increase my personal fortune.”
Audra held his eyes boldly. “Have you ever loved anyone, Richard? Did you love your first wife?”
He kept the phony smile on his face. “My first wife inherited a fortune that ended up in my hands, but she failed in her duty of giving me children. Now my second wife has also failed in that area.” He pulled her a little closer, his eyes smoldering. “I wanted to love you, Audra, but you betrayed me long before our wedding night. I will never forget it or forgive you for it.”
“And you betrayed me, by pretending to be good and kind, by taking Joey under your wing as though you really cared, by fooling my father into thinking you truly loved and wanted me and that you weren’t marrying me just to get your hands on Brennan Manor. Now you still won’t! Don’t forget that both Father and I have to approve of your annual take. If you keep humiliating me by blatantly carrying on with Eleanor, we will not approve! You cannot replace physical abuse with this outrageous behavior and think you can get away with it!”
He snickered. “And what would your Yankee friend do about it now? He’s the enemy. If he dares to come back here as he threatened to do, he’s a dead man! We’re at war now, Audra, and no one will give a damn what his grievance is against me. He’s a Yankee. You wouldn’t want these nice folks to know you once slept with the enemy, would you?”
“He wasn’t the enemy then.”
“Well, he is now, my love, and that little act he pulled to threaten me no longer holds much value.” He leaned closer, kissing her hair and breathing her scent. “But don’t worry, my dear. I don’t intend to force you into anything. I wouldn’t stoop to it now. I can get what I want, whenever I want it, from other women. In the meantime, you can live your life of loneliness. You’re the wife of Richard Potter, so there isn’t a man in all of southern Louisiana who would dream of messing with you. If you start getting lonely for a man, dear Audra, you will have to come to me. I am a patient man.”
“I would not call our wedding night being patient, but that is beside the point now.” Audra stopped to smile and nod at another couple, even though she knew they were gossiping about her and Richard. She met Richard’s eyes again. “What you did to me after marrying me and promising in the eyes of God to love and cherish me was far worse than what I did before I married you. By the time I ever come crawling to Cypress Hollow out of some base need for a man’s physical attentions, you will be too old and decrepit to be able to service me.” She watched his face flush with anger. “And if the only way I will ever know physical love again is to come to you for it,” she added, “I believe I can live out my life without ever again allowing a man to treat me like an animal! You took what was supposed to be a beautiful act of love and turned it into a hideous nightmare! And I shall never forgive you for it!”
The waltz ended, and Audra left Richard standing there to go back to the refreshments table, where Eleanor greeted her with a vicious look.
Audra moved beside her and began to serve punch.
“You must know by now, Audra dear, that Richard doesn’t care for you any longer,” Eleanor said with a smirk.
“Do you really think it matters to me?” Audra answered. “You don’t know the whole truth, Eleanor, and I can’t blame you for that; but no matter what the problems are between me and Richard, how can you so blatantly sleep with my husband? Have you no pride whatsoever?”
Eleanor turned to her, her eyes filled with hate. “Come into that little alcove with me, cousin dear, off the side of the ballroom.” She marched away, and Audra asked one of the other women to take over for her. She felt several pairs of eyes on her as she followed Eleanor into the alcove, and she could almost hear the women whispering behind their fans. She moved behind a velvet curtain to see her cousin waiting with arms folded, her chin held high, her eyes full of bitterness.
“Say what you want, and say it quickly,” Audra told her. “I am not here tonight to talk about how you so flagrantly prostitute yourself, Eleanor. I am here to help the cause.”
Eleanor sniffed. “You speak of pride! All my life I have lived in your shadow, Audra Brennan Potter! All I ever heard from my mother was how beautiful you are, and how I had to do this and that to keep up with you. All I have wanted since I can remember is to best you at something, and now I’ve done it!” She stepped closer, looking Audra over scathingly. “For all your beauty, you are a hopeless failure as a wife, especially in bed! Richard should have married me, and now he knows it!”
“He’s using you, Eleanor! Can’t you see that? He slept with his Negro women, even raped some of the young ones. Now he’s just replaced them with you!”
Eleanor’s face seemed literally to puff up bigger with anger. “Are you saying I’m no more to him than a nigger woman?”
Audra put her hands on her hips. “That is exactly what I’m saying! Don’t let him use you that way! He isn’t worth it, Eleanor, believe me!”
“I don’t believe you! I love Richard, and he loves me! He’s trapped in this marriage to you, so we’re taking all we can get whenever we can get it!” She strutted past Audra, then paused, looking back at her. “As far as Richard sleeping with his Negroes—well, surely you know that most slave lords do it. And just as Richard loves me, some slave lords even fall in love with their Negroes. Better your husband picks another white woman to love than have an affair with a Negro woman, don’t you think?”
Audra shook her head. “No white man would ever truly love a Negro woman.”
Eleanor laughed wickedly. “Wouldn’t he? Why don’t you ask your father about that, or maybe it would be better to ask Lena…or Toosie.”
Audra could almost feel the blood draining from her face. “What are you talking about?”
Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Oh, Audra, you’re such a dummy, and so naive. I swear, everybody at Brennan Manor and Cypress Hollow, probably everyone in Baton Rouge and maybe even New Orleans knows that Toosie is your half sister! Your father and Lena have been in love for years, since long before Aunt Sophia died. Why, my mother used to fret and fume about how terrible it was of Uncle Joseph to hurt her sister t
hat way. I was always ordered never to tell you, but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s time you knew the truth. You think that your father, that all you Brennans, are so pure and perfect! Mother says that her sister might have married a man with more money than my father, but at least my father has never slept with a nigger, let alone actually loved one!”
Audra fought back tears. She knew Eleanor wanted her to cry and be shocked, and she refused to do either.
“Why Audra, dear,” Eleanor said. “You look positively pale!” She shook her head, clucking as though sorry to have had to tell her such things. “You must wake up to the real world, Audra. Everyone sleeps with everyone, and no one can be trusted! You slept with your Yankee man. Don’t deny it. Richard told me.” She shrugged. “Your Yankee man deserted you and probably just used you, anyway. Now he’s the enemy. Your father still sleeps with Lena and was doing it for years before your mother died. I sleep with your husband, and you…well, I suppose that if you intend to remain true to your wedding vows, you will never sleep with another man again. If you want to enjoy such pleasures again, you will have to commit adultery, just as everyone around you is doing. You might as well join the crowd, Audra. It really can be quite fun.” She laughed and walked away.
Audra sank into a satin-covered chair, her thoughts reeling with what Eleanor had just told her. Was it all really this ugly, then? She had imagined that her affair with Lee had been out of true love, a beautiful union between two people who wanted to express that love in the gentlest, most pleasurable, and giving way possible. Were all men just animals after something more exciting than their last conquest? And her father! Was Toosie really his daughter? In some ways it made sense—the way he’d protected her from the rest of the Negroes, the strange hold Lena seemed to have on the man, the reason he had promised he would never sell either woman.
Tender Betrayal Page 27
