by Tucker, RH
He waves the celery around lightly, and she laughs again, putting her hand on his forearm. She shows him something, maybe a jar? I can’t make it out with his body blocking it, but he shakes his head, and lightly taps the stalk of celery against her nose before putting it in a small handcart.
“Hey, what are you—”
“Shh!” I swat at Tara’s arm, keeping my eyes on them.
“Who the hell is that?” Tara strongly whispers.
“I don’t know.”
They turn and walk farther into the section and out of our view. I take a step to follow them when Tara grabs my arm. “What are you doing?”
“Shh.”
The supermarket has a small refrigerator with different bottles of smoothies lining the inside and a rack on the door. Opening the door so I can hide behind the bottles, I know I’m acting like a fifth grader, but I don’t care. At the distance I am, they are about fifteen feet away, looking over some fruit. Taylor’s back is to me, and even sneaking behind the rack of smoothies, if he turned around, he’d probably recognize me. The girl stands in front of him.
I hear her say, “Taylor, I think this is just what I needed.”
“I told you, it’s harmless,” he responds. “Plus, I know what I’m doing.”
She giggles again while I roll my eyes and curl my lip. “I’m so glad we hooked up.”
“Me too. And Jacob was right, once you get back on the horse, it’s like riding a bike. You pick it right back up.”
She turns around, pointing out something else, and he follows. I look over at Tara, swallowing my feelings. “Come on,” I tell her, my voice pitched low, heading toward the exit.
“What about the whipped cream?”
“We’ll get it somewhere else.”
Leaving the supermarket, we get to my car, and I sit behind the steering wheel, keeping the car off. I can feel Tara’s eyes on me, but thankfully she doesn’t say anything. I don’t know how I’d respond if she did.
I feel stupid. No, more than stupid. Of course, he’d just move on. Even with telling me everything that he did, I don’t know why I assumed he’d change the way he’s always been since it happened. Maybe he just needed to get it all off of his chest, as if it was some sort of reset for him.
“Are you okay?” Tara finally asks, and I give a slight nod, then pull out my phone. “What are you doing?”
“Texting Ian.”
“Uh …” The unsure noise makes me turn to face her, and she gives me a concerned gaze.
“What?”
“Look, I know what I said. And I’m not changing that, I do think you should go out with him. But do you really think the best thing to do is go on a date with him out of spite?”
“It’s not spite,” I throw back at her. “You and Felicia both told me I need to move on, right? Obviously, Taylor has. I might as well do it now before I start second guessing everything.”
“Okay,” she replies, sounding less timorous than I am as I send the text message.
* * *
After spending Christmas Eve and morning at our mom’s, Tara, Felicia, and I have our traditional Christmas Day dinner. I do get a text message from Taylor that says, “Merry X-Mas,” and I ignore it. First, I’m offended. Then I think it’s either a pity reach out, or he really is that low and is still expecting something from me. But how dare he go out with someone else and not even give me a courtesy call beforehand?
Tonight, all the girls have been talking about is Ian and the date we have set up for tomorrow.
I know I sent the text, and that I have to see him. I need to see anyone because this feeling sucks. I’m not as upset as I was the day I saw Taylor. Now, I’m feeling more rejected. To just completely forget about me makes me think I never meant anything to him.
I’m able to navigate through our dinner, telling them I’m fine and that they were right all along. Mostly, I’m trying to convince myself that this is the best thing for me.
For our date the next day, we end up going out instead of going to his place where he said he’d cook for me. I don’t really think anything would happen between us on a first date, but I don’t want to take that chance either. I just want to go out, forget about Taylor, and enjoy being around Ian—because, in all seriousness, he is a great guy. If I wasn’t still mad at Taylor, and upset with myself, I probably would be having a great time. As it is, it’s hard to even be in the moment with him.
“But she’s pretty awesome, as far as little sisters go.” Ian chuckles at his story, only part of which I’ve paid attention to. He was talking about his younger sister and how she just graduated from high school with plans of going to NYU. I think. “But what about your sister? She’s a couple years older than you, right?”
Smiling, I nod. “Yeah, three actually. And then there’s Tara, she’s like a sister.”
“Yeah, you guys seem close.”
“Pretty close. We’ve been friends since middle school.” I slide the last piece of breadstick over the pasta sauce on my plate and eat it.
He asked me where I wanted to go and I told him other than Mexican, it didn’t matter. We cook Mexican food all day, so anything else was fine with me. We came to a little Italian bistro not far from my apartment. It’s not that fancy, which I appreciate, but it’s a nice date spot.
“Well, you ready?” he asks, and I give what’s become my go-to move for the night. I nod. I offer to pay my portion, but he waves me off, pays the check, and then we head out.
The short ride back home is quiet. It’s how the entire date’s gone, and I do feel bad about that. I should be in this moment. I should be more open with Ian and trying to get to know who he is outside of work. We’ve gone out as a group with everyone else, but just one-on-one, that’s who I should be looking into a little more. But I’m not.
“You’ve seemed quieter than normal, Sash.” Ian stops his black Honda Civic outside of my home. I guess I’ve been more transparent than I thought.
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“It’s cool.” He shifts so he’s partially over the middle console in his car. “I know I already said this, but I’m really glad you hit me up. So …” He smiles and leans in a little closer. “You think maybe we can do this again?”
I don’t move away. Biting my bottom lip, I give a slight nod, staring back at him. Felicia and Tara’s words ring around in my brain.
Before he picked me up, they said they wouldn’t let me back in the apartment unless I kissed him. They were laughing as they said it, but I know why they did. And I should kiss him. At the very least, I should want to kiss him. But I don’t.
His lips hover next to mine, and his hand comes up, holding the side of my face. His dark mocha eyes stay locked on mine for just a moment longer. They close for only a second before he opens them back up, staring at me. I’m sure my face is contorted in reluctance, and he gives me a slight grin.
“You’re not over him, are you?”
I remember Charlie.
I remember Lucas.
Suddenly, I’m Alex, and I instantly feel horrible.
“Ian, I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He lets out a chuckle, sitting back in his seat. “I knew this was a chance I was taking.”
“No, seriously, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t believe I did this. I didn’t think I was going to be like this. I know exactly what you’re feeling, and I never wanted to do that to you, or to anyone.”
He gives me a smile, reaching over and giving my hand a comforting squeeze. “It’s all good, Sasha. He must be a great guy.”
“No, see, that’s the thing, he’s an asshole.”
“Really?” He raises a brow, unconvinced.
“He acts like he is. And then sometimes … he’s not.” He laughs again. “And I shouldn’t even still feel like this for him. But …”
“You do.”
Swallowing the lump of shame, I gaze at the dashboard, feeling horrible for doing the exact same thing that guys I’ve gone out wi
th have done to me. “I can’t say it enough, Ian. I’m sorry. I feel horrible for being like this and doing this to you.”
“Hey, you didn’t do anything.” He lifts his shoulders. “It’s not like we’ve been going out for months or something. And I knew this date was iffy at best. Thanks for giving me a chance.”
“You really are a great guy, Ian. Seriously.”
He chuckles, nodding while staring at his steering wheel. “You’re not so bad yourself.” Looking back over at me, he gives me a heartwarming smile. “I hope that idiot figures it out, and if he doesn’t, I hope you don’t dwell on him too long. You’re way too awesome to be pining away over some ass.”
“Thanks.” Leaning in closer, I give him a hug before exiting his car. I don’t look back. I feel horrible enough as it is, and looking back at him would just make me feel worse.
“So?” Tara calls out, smiling over at me, holding a small box of Chinese food.
“Is he a good kisser?” Felicia asks, holding her own box. “Too much tongue? Not enough?” A movie is playing on the TV behind them, but I don’t know what it is.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head at both of them. “I’m a horrible person, and I’m going to bed. Don’t wake me until the new year.”
They call out for me to stop, but I don’t. Shutting my door, I kick off my shoes and crawl into bed, still fully dressed. Clutching my pillows, I pull the covers higher, fighting with my thoughts again. I wish I could stop thinking about Taylor, his stupid supermarket date I caught him in, or his friendly—or whatever that was—holiday greeting text. I just want to forget all of it.
Chapter 30
Taylor
Apex Fitness is a nice, little gym. It’s a smaller franchise, and the owner wants to open a few more around Southern California, or so I’m told from Jacob. He manages the location I’m at and is Ethan’s friend.
Meeting him on the day Ethan set up had me a little nervous because it felt like a blind date but for a job. I’d never met him, but I got ready, finally shaved, and tried to present my best side. And it worked. So much so that when he finished the interview, he told me I could start work at the gym the very next day and already had a client for me.
I’ve decided to jump headfirst into everything. Since I know I’ll have to take makeup classes next semester, getting everything else in my life back on track seems like the next best step. The only thing I don’t know how to do is reach out to Sasha.
I sent her a text message on Christmas, but she didn’t reply. I’d like to think she’s still giving me time to figure things out … or I’ve already lost that chance.
“I hate you, Taylor.” I laugh at Claire’s words, as she walks out of the locker room. “You said it’d be harmless.”
“Are you hurt?”
“I’m not hurt, but I am in pain!” She cringes, running her hands over her legs.
She’s wearing dark green yoga pants, matching color sports bra, and has her light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.
“No pain, no gain.” I chuckle and bump her with my elbow as we head to the elliptical machines.
Claire’s the client Jacob asked me to take on right away. I didn’t mind starting at the gym quickly, but I did have reservations about taking on my first client as a personal trainer. Sure, I’ve been exercising for years, and I studied and passed my certification, but getting a client is another level. And then there’s Claire herself.
At first, I didn’t know why she wanted—much less needed—a personal trainer. She’s in shape enough, and supremely attractive. Once talking to her, I found out she’s going to school and waiting tables, but really wants to be an actress. She wants to make sure she’s in shape and stays that way. Plus, she has daddy’s credit card, so she figured a personal trainer wouldn’t hurt.
She starts on the elliptical machine, and it’s not like I don’t notice her. It could make matters more complicated that she has a flirty personality, but I don’t want her.
“You didn’t go back and get that peanut butter, right?” I tap the handlebars of the machine.
She groans, shaking her head, but smiles. “No. How in the world am I supposed to eat celery without peanut butter? You’re a monster, you know that?”
“And you’re very dramatic. I wouldn’t want to be the director of your first gig.”
She makes her fingers into a W, mouthing ‘Whatever.’ “How am I supposed to eat celery then? I can’t eat it by itself. And I thought you were a personal trainer, not a nutritionist. Besides, don’t you drink energy drinks at like five a.m.?”
“One, do as I say and not as I do. Two, you most definitely can eat celery by itself, but you can also eat it with hummus—”
“Barf.”
I laugh as she continues to swirl her legs. “Or other things. Salsa, use it in a salad, you’ve got options. And nutrition is going to be the next certification I get. I’m just addicted to energy drinks.” Looking over at the screen on the machine, I press a button to increase the resistance level. “Push yourself, Claire. I want to be thanked one day when you’re up on stage, accepting an Oscar.”
She laughs at the joke.
I wasn’t sure how handling my first client—in addition to the regular job hours at the gym—was going to go, especially with where my frame of mind has been the past few weeks. However, keeping a regular schedule has helped, and getting back on my exercise routine myself has been keeping me focused. When I’m at home, and thoughts of Reese pop up, I remember AJ’s words. I’d like to one day take Sasha to Reese’s gravesite. Which sounds disturbing, but it’s something intimate and personal that I want to share with her. I just don’t know if I’ll get the chance.
I also met up with Micah yesterday, and he laughed, telling me, “Endorphins, bro! They’re good for you.” It’s the same thing I used to say to him, and somewhere along the way I forgot that. But they do help. Everything quiets around me when I’m working out, have my headphones on, and just focus on the weights. The only thing that breaks through the concentration is remembering how things were left with Sasha.
After work, I get home, and Ethan’s there with Ashley. Her face lights up when she sees me walk into the living room.
“Taylor!” She runs over and gives me a hug.
“What’s up, munchkin? What are you guys doing?”
“Watching Moana,” she calls out and starts singing “How Far I’ll Go”, getting incredibly expressive, and runs onto the couch. “How far it goes,” she sings out with a huge smile.
“Dude,” Ethan calls me over, checking his phone quickly. “I have a huge favor to ask you.”
“Okay?”
“So, I met this girl a few days ago at the gym.”
“Here we go,” I joke.
“I know, I know.” He glances over at Ashley, who’s completely locked in on the movie again. “Look, I normally don’t do this, but I really want to go out with this girl. And I know Ashley loves you …”
“You want me to watch Ash.”
He contorts his face in a pleading, almost begging, expression. “Please? I’ll owe you, I swear.”
“Don’t even worry about it, man. I didn’t have anything else to do tonight.”
“Thank you! I’ll be DD for New Year’s Eve. Or … something.”
“Just get out of here. It’s fine, right, munchkin?”
“What?” Her attention breaks away from the TV, clueless as to what we’re talking about.
“You and me? We’re cool hanging out by ourselves tonight, right?”
“Can we have Rocky Road ice cream for dinner?”
“No,” Ethan snaps, and she frowns. When she looks over at me, I take a step behind him and nod yes to her, making her giggle.
After Ethan leaves, Micah sends me a message that he’s going to the movies with Veronica and invites me. I decline, telling him my situation, and then order us a pizza, as we watch Disney movies for the rest of the night.
It dawns on me that in the past I might be bum
med about this—watching my friend’s kid while he’s out on a date, and my best friend invites me out, but I can’t make it—but tonight, I’m not bummed. I’m actually okay with it. There’s only one person out there I’d like to hang out with, and I don’t know if she wants that anymore.
With Ashley falling asleep on my arm, I let the movie run. I’m just about to take her to her bed when I snap a picture of us. My first thought is sending it to Sasha, maybe telling her I miss her, but I second guess my decision. I ignored her for weeks, and when I finally did reach out, she never responded. How would sending her a picture out of the blue, telling her I wish she were here, go over with her?
Instead, I opt for social media, hoping she sees that I’m not out partying or having fun with random girls. Then again, who knows, maybe she’s ignoring everything that revolves around me.
Chapter 31
Sasha
I’ve worked a couple of days with Ian, and just like when he asked me out and played it cool at work, he does it again. He hasn’t even brought up our awkward non-kiss. Instead, he acts like we never even went out, for which I’m thankful. However, that doesn’t mean Manny and Rita don’t know about it. I told Rita before we went out, unsure what I was going to do, and of course, since then she’s bugged me for updates. And since she knows that means Manny does, too.
“No kissing around the grills,” Manny teases as we push out a few orders.
“Oh, you’re so funny.” I roll my eyes, throwing a slice of red onion at him. Ian gives me a side-eye, and I respond with a cringing smile. “Sorry.”
Laughing it off, he returns to the grill, and we finish the orders. The shift goes by smoothly, and other than the usual barbs sent our way, I still feel comfortable around him. It makes me doubt everything I was thinking the other night. I know I still have feelings for Taylor, but maybe that’s only because I need to push through that, and I can’t do that by just waiting around. Along with being embarrassed for how I was on my date with Ian, he was so understanding and has been since, it makes me wonder if I’m making the right choice at all. It’s a train of thought I’ve pondered over more than once since that night.
