by Alex Kava
“You’re forgetting something, Doc.”
“What’s that?”
“It was still her choice to be there. A choice she was responsible for, not you. Didn’t they teach you that in counseling school?”
She met his eyes again and tried to smile, but it looked like an effort to do so.
“Sometimes,” he continued, putting aside every fiber in his brain that was yelling at him to stop while he was ahead, “it’s not such a bad thing to give yourself a break. You can’t be responsible for every patient.” And without listening to his head, he stepped closer until he was wrapping his arms around her and pulling her gently against his chest.
He leaned down and kissed her hair. When she seemed to respond, moving closer into him, he kissed her neck. She pulled away just enough to offer him her face, and he didn’t hesitate. He kissed her like he had been wanting to kiss her ever since Boston.
Again, she pulled away just enough to whisper in his ear, “Stay with me tonight, Tully.”
His body had already begun to say “yes” when common sense struck him like a hammer. He held her tight, nuzzling her neck as he told her, “I can’t. God, I wish I could, but I can’t.”
She pushed away from him and he could see not only embarrassment but hurt. “Of course,” she said in that professional tone that she retreated to in order to distance herself from the embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I should have never—”
“No, you don’t understand.”
“Of course I understand.” She was at the stove, whipping the marinara sauce. “I didn’t mean to step over the line.”
“I think I’m the one who stepped over the line first.”
“It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t have suggested—”
“Gwen, stop. I can’t stay because of Emma.”
Now she looked back up at him and he watched the realization sweep over her face, the sting of rejection slip away.
“Otherwise…well, otherwise we certainly wouldn’t even be standing here discussing it.”
“But maybe we should discuss it.”
“No, absolutely not,” he said, holding up a hand to stop her. “And that’s why I better leave right now. Because I don’t want to give us a chance to discuss it to death, to talk ourselves out of it before there’s anything to talk ourselves out of.” He started packing up his case without looking at her.
Finally ready, he grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair, pulled it on and then returned to where he had left her, at the kitchen counter. “I like psychoanalyzing killers with you, but I don’t want to psychoanalyze this. Whatever this is right now, can we just go with it for a while, first?” But before she could answer he kissed her again, a long deep kiss that, when he was finished, left her without an answer.
CHAPTER 48
He liked shopping at this time of night. The aisles of Stop & Shop were practically empty. The rage was still brewing inside him, threatening to dislodge the nausea, but there was no one to notice if he had to dart to the rest rooms or abandon his cart and leave the store suddenly. Which reminded him, he needed to stock up on more of the chalky crap.
Ever since leaving the library he’d felt a tingling in his hands and a weakness in his knees. He turned around to see if anyone was watching, if he was being followed. There was someone out to destroy him. But how did they know? How did they get his e-mail address?
At first he thought it might be the old man. But now he was convinced it had to be that nosy reporter. That bitch! He should have known she would be a problem. She was following him. He had seen her several places, snooping around. He had almost bumped into her yesterday, and she looked through him as if he didn’t exist. Had she been pretending that she didn’t know anything? No, she knew something. Why else was she everywhere he went?
And now was she playing games with him, sending him e-mails and pretending to be Joan. It had to be that reporter. It had to be. Had to be. But how did she know? How did she know he had Joan? Had the old man told her something? Had he seen him taking Joan that night in Hubbard Park?
He had to keep calm. He had to breathe. He would take care of his enemies, all in good time. He just needed to stay calm. He tapped his pocket, making sure the folded piece of paper was there. While at the library reading his e-mail he looked up the TV station’s address and phone number. Some receptionist told him Jennifer Carpenter wouldn’t be in until ten-thirty. That he could call back after the eleven o’clock news if he wished to speak with her. Speak to her? Well, yes, maybe he did wish to speak to her. Maybe he would ask her why she was following him. Why she was harassing him.
He searched the shelves, trying to relax, trying to concentrate on his shopping. He chose several jars of jelly. The twelve ounce would work fine. Then he noticed a large jar with olives. He hadn’t seen these before. He picked it up to examine it, thirty-two ounces and a nice wide mouth with a screw-on lid. He put it into his cart next to the cans of soup and loaf of white bread. Mayonnaise. He remembered he was out of mayonnaise. If only it came in a larger jar, and now they were selling it in sixty-four-ounce plastic containers. Plastic just wasn’t sufficient.
He tried to get his mind off the e-mail, off the rage it had made him feel. It was stupid, stupid, stupid to play games with him, to pretend to be Joan Begley. She was out to destroy him. They were all out to destroy him. That old man. Even that FBI agent. He didn’t trust any of them. They were all out to get him. But they couldn’t. No, they couldn’t destroy him. Not if he took care of them first.
That made him smile. Yes, one by one he would take care of his enemies. They had discovered his dumping ground, but he could find other places. That made him feel back in control.
He started down a new aisle. Someone said the old man had Alzheimer’s disease. He hated the way they had said it, like it was something that they were supposed to feel bad about. Like they felt sorry for the poor old guy.
He wondered what it looked like. What would something like Alzheimer’s disease look like? Did it make parts of the brain shrivel up? Did it discolor it in any way? He wouldn’t mind seeing that, taking a look.
Last time a large pickle jar had worked just fine, and he started to look for a similar one. Yes, Steve Earlman’s brain fit perfectly in a large pickle jar and so would Luc Racine’s.
CHAPTER 49
Luc heard something. A noise had awakened him. He propped himself up on one elbow, glancing at Scrapple sprawled on his back, feet in the air at the end of the bed. Either he was imagining things again or his dog was totally useless as a watchdog.
He listened, trying to hear over the thumping of his own heart. Maybe it was only the FBI woman downstairs, Julia’s friend. He wasn’t used to having anyone else in his house. Maybe he just wasn’t used to the normal noises that came along with having someone else in his house. She had promised not to call Julia. He hoped she kept her promises. He didn’t want Julia worrying about him. He didn’t want her running home just because she felt sorry for him. He didn’t want her—
Holy crap! Something moved inside his closet. The night-light in the wall socket made it difficult to see. He squinted. The closet door was open about a foot. He never left his closet door open, always made certain it was closed. And now he could see a shadow inside. Yes, someone was inside his closet. Oh, Jesus! The guy had never left. He was standing inside Luc’s closet. Standing there, waiting. Probably waiting for Luc to fall fast asleep.
He eased himself back down into the pillows, pretending he was going back to sleep but positioning himself so he could see the closet door. He listened again, only this time it was impossible to hear anything. His heart thundered in his ears and his breathing seemed hard to control. He had to think. What did he have close by that he could use as a weapon? The lamp? It was plugged into the wall and too small. His eyes darted around the room—looking, searching for something, anything—always returning to the shadow. Did it move again?
What the hell was wrong with Scrapple? The dog stayed on his ba
ck with not so much as a snort, let alone a growl. How could that dog have not sensed this guy?
Maybe a baseball bat. Yes, he used to have one around. A ball, a bat and a glove. He and Julia still hit it around sometimes. Who was he kidding? That was ages ago. No telling where the damn bat was now.
The FBI agent was downstairs. How could he get her attention? Could he sneak out of the room? But not without Scrapple. The dog might be worthless, but no way would he leave him here.
Then he saw the top knob of the baseball bat sticking out from under the bed. Yes, he had kept it here. He let his hand dangle over the edge of the bed. Shoot! He couldn’t reach it. He glanced back at the closet door. Was it opened a little more? Oh, Christ, was he coming out now? This was no time to hesitate.
Luc jumped out of bed. He slammed his knee into the dresser with a bang that woke up Scrapple. But he grabbed the baseball bat and ran to the closet door, not stopping, not waiting, snatching at the doorknob and pulling it open as he raised the bat. He delivered several strong death blows, smashing the shadow to the floor. It took him a second or two before he realized he had just bludgeoned the only suit he owned, the one he had recently picked up from the dry cleaners and hung in his closet, left in the plastic wrap. He had wanted to be sure the suit was clean and pressed and ready one day for his own funeral. And now it was a crumpled mess on the floor of his closet, after threatening his life.
Luc sat on the edge of his bed, petting the now alert and confused Scrapple, waiting for the shaking in his hands to stop. How ridiculous had he become? What the hell was wrong with him? He wasn’t only losing his memory but perhaps his mind, as well.
Then he heard a noise from outside. A muffled thump that sounded like it came from the back of the house. And this time Scrapple heard it, too.
CHAPTER 50
It had been a long time since Maggie had slept anywhere and heard the howls of coyotes in the distance. But as she tried to get comfortable on the lumpy old sofa, she thought she heard Luc upstairs. It almost sounded like he was moving furniture around. After his blank episode earlier, Maggie wasn’t sure she wanted to go up and find him, indeed, stacking pieces of furniture on top of one another like a sleepwalker unaware of his actions.
No, that was ridiculous and she immediately admonished herself. Alzheimer’s didn’t manifest itself in totally absurd behavior. At least not that she knew of, but then what did she really know about it? She wished she hadn’t promised him that she wouldn’t call Julia. Racine needed to know if her father’s life might be threatened. Maybe the old man simply wouldn’t remember her promise. Or perhaps she could get him to call his daughter himself.
She watched the shadows of branches outside the window dancing on the ceiling. Luc had night-lights plugged into the sockets all over the house. In a weak moment, he had mentioned being afraid that one day he might forget how to switch on a lamp and be forced to sit in the dark. What an awful feeling it must be to know that could happen. She couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to realize that pieces of your memory, even the basic pieces, had begun to crumble. Or to not have any memories at all. She thought about Patrick again, wondering what, if anything, he knew about their father.
Her own memories, especially of her childhood, of losing her father and growing up with an alcoholic, suicidal mother, those awful memories were burdens she thought she could live without. But earlier today, remembering some of the good ones made her realize that she was cheating herself. What if she were like Luc, not able to sift and select, not having control over what went and what stayed…What an awful feeling that must be. And yet, she had been allowing herself to remember only the awful things when she, in fact, had a choice.
Maggie decided she would go out tomorrow and buy some timers for Luc’s lamps. Also some of the longer-lasting light bulbs. Maybe another lamp or two. She couldn’t keep him from forgetting how to turn on a light, but she could be damn sure he wouldn’t be left in the dark.
She heard him coming down the steps and she sat up. Before he got to the foot of the stairs she could see his elongated shadow carrying something over his shoulder and the little terrier following close behind.
Oh, Jesus! Was he, indeed, sleepwalking? And she tried to remember, were you supposed to wake a sleepwalker or leave him alone?
He rounded the corner and she recognized a bat hoisted on his shoulder in ready-to-swing mode. Instinctively, she bolted for her Smith & Wesson. As she whipped it out of its holster, she saw him putting his finger to his lips and whispering, “Someone’s outside.”
Maggie decided the old man must be sleepwalking or perhaps imagining things, the result of stress from an outrageous day. That was until she saw the shadow of a man pass by the front window.
She put up a cautionary hand to Luc and waved him away from the windows. The terrier growled but was sticking close by his owner. Maggie made her way to the front door, keeping her revolver nose down and close to her body. She worked the locks open, slowly, quietly. She looked back at Luc, making sure he was out of the line of fire. Then without hesitation, she flung the door open and stuck the Smith & Wesson’s nose in the face of the shadow just as it stepped into the porch light.
“Jesus, Bonzado. What the hell are you doing here?”
CHAPTER 51
She startled him so badly he dropped one of the bags, scattering groceries across the wooden porch floor.
“I didn’t think you’d both be down for the night. I guess I didn’t think it was that late. Did I wake you?”
“You scared the living daylights out of us. What the hell are you doing?”
Maggie watched him pick up cartons and cans. She looked back at Luc and worried that he had blanked out on her again. He stood there, bat in his hands, staring at Bonzado, as if deciding whether he needed to use the bat.
“It’s okay, Luc,” she told him. “It’s just Professor Bonzado. Do you remember him from this afternoon?”
“Why is he back?” Luc wanted to know. “Why is he out wandering around in the dark?”
“Good question,” she said, now turning back to the professor.
He looked up at her, still down on his hands and knees retrieving several cans that had rolled underneath the porch swing. “I wasn’t out wandering around in the dark. I was just coming up to the door, and before I could knock you jammed a gun in my face.”
“What are you doing here, Adam?” she asked again.
“I noticed Mr. Racine didn’t have much in his refrigerator. I thought I’d bring out some staples. I really didn’t think you’d be asleep already. It’s not even ten. And—” he got to his feet and opened one of the other bags, pulling out a small white box “—I wanted to bring you some dessert, since our dinner sort of got canceled.”
“You should have called first.” It was difficult to stay angry with him when he seemed genuinely determined to please them.
“I tried calling you. Your cell phone must be off. And I didn’t know Mr. Racine’s phone number.”
“I’m sure directory assistance could have given it to you.” Maggie wouldn’t let him off the hook. She didn’t like how quiet Luc continued to be. Finally, he came out on the porch to help Bonzado, taking one of the bags and looking inside.
“I don’t cook much anymore.”
“I figured as much. So I bought some deli meats and cheeses, some bread, and several different kinds of cereals and milk. Oh, and some Pop-Tarts. They’re pretty good cold. You don’t even have to put them in a toaster. Really. You’ll have to try ’em.”
The two men came in past Maggie, and Bonzado glanced at the revolver she hadn’t holstered yet, then looked up at her and smiled. “Jeez, you’re tough on a guy for just wanting to bring you a little cheesecake.”
“Did you say cheesecake?” Now he had Luc’s full attention and enthusiasm.
“That’s right. None other than chocolate almond from the Stone House.” Bonzado followed Luc into the kitchen.
Maggie shook her head. But before
she closed the door she stepped out onto the porch. Why hadn’t she heard Bonzado’s El Camino or, at least, seen his headlights? She saw the vehicle parked up the driveway, away from the house. Odd that he didn’t pull in behind her rented Escort.
As she turned to go back inside, she heard another vehicle’s engine, beyond the trees, back on Whippoorwill Drive. She could hear it but couldn’t see it. She stepped off the porch into the dark, straining to see through the branches, trying to follow the low, soft rumble of an engine.
The reason she couldn’t see the vehicle was because it had waited until it was almost out of sight before it turned on its headlights. And then it was quickly gone, the taillights disappearing around the first curve.
CHAPTER 52
Joan couldn’t look at the tray of food he left on the bedside stand. She couldn’t eat it. She wouldn’t eat it. Whatever he was putting in her food made her insides feel as if they were being slit open. He didn’t even need to use the leather restraints anymore. She couldn’t leave the bed if she wanted to. Instead she spent what felt like hour after hour curled up in a fetal position trying to ward off the pain.
She no longer thought about talking him into releasing her. She no longer dreamed about escaping the cabin. She only wanted to escape the pain. Maybe he would finally kill her. Yes, why didn’t he just kill her and get it over with? Instead, he kept bringing her food. The smell of the soup alone reminded her of her body’s reaction to it. And already her insides burned. The nausea had never left. For hours it continued, like being seasick on a cruise and not being anywhere near land. She couldn’t think about it, nor could she feel anything else. So when he sat down next to her and started showing her his collection, she could only stare right through him and pretend to be interested.
