I liked Jude. I told him that I liked him and the world didn’t fall out from underneath my feet. In fact, I felt good. I chanced saying it again. “I like you, Jude.”
A smile pulled at the corner of his lips. He stood a little straighter, his expression evening out. But it was still a little scrunched with confusion. He looked exactly how I felt—relieved but puzzled. “OK. So, I didn’t do…?” He shook his head, shrugged, then cleared his throat.
“You didn’t do anything to upset me, no. I was just stuck in my head a little. I’m sorry you felt that way.”
“It’s fine. I just… Well, I should still probably go. Thank you for today and for dinner. It was surprisingly good.”
I smiled as he shifted uncomfortably in front of me. “I’m pretty nifty with a can opener and some boiling water.”
He laughed, chancing a glance at my eyes. “I’d eat it again.”
“That could be arranged.”
“I’d like that.” The pause lasted a few moments, both of us caught, not sure what to do. I kind of wanted to ask him to stay, but at the same time, I still wanted some time to myself. I needed to sort through these new feelings.
Jude was the one who spoke first. “Well, I should go.” He thumbed over his shoulder.
“OK.” With a smile teasing the edges of my mouth, I walked him to the door. He was clasping his hands in front of him, walking ahead of me. I felt as though he wanted to say something more, but didn’t know if he should.
“Jude,” I said when he opened the door and stepped into the hall as if freedom beckoned and he was running to it.
“Yes, Sarah.” He turned around, his voice as soft as his gaze. It made my stomach twist a little.
“Don’t forget your cat.”
We both looked down, and Sophie was purring and curving her way around my feet.
An uneasy chuckle rumbled from his chest. “Of course.” Then he leaned down to pick her up, tucking her under his arm before he leaned in again and pressed a quick kiss against my cheek.
He pulled back as fast as he’d leaned in.
“I like spending time with you, Sarah,” he said. Then he turned and walked away with fast strides, leaving me standing there wide-eyed and a little shocked, my emotions flitting between glee and guilt, while the dormant butterflies in my stomach tried to unglue their wings and come back to life.
Beat, beat. Beat.
If I could freeze my life at a certain point in time, it would be now. I have Sarah. I’m happy.
She looks at me like I’m some kind of hero. She makes me feel like there is an actual purpose to life. And I get it now—that whole thing about the difference between sex and making love. With her…I get it. When there’s feeling involved, the whole experience is something else.
For the first time since I turned eighteen, I don’t wake up every morning with a sense of dread. Instead, I’m waking up with hope because I’m waking up next to her. It’s a beautiful existence. It’s one that I hope to experience for as long as possible.
But like all good things, this too must come to an end. The injustice of that doesn’t escape me. I look around and see all these couples who don’t have a fraction of the connection I have with Sarah. I don’t understand why anyone would do that. If you’re going to spend your life with someone, make sure you find someone who sets your soul on fire. Find someone who gives you a reason for being. Don’t just settle. The shitty thing is, they have the luxury of time. I suppose time feels like this vast expanse stretching out in front of them, so in their minds, they think they’ll have more chances to find their purpose in life—their one. I don’t have that luxury. I’m very aware that each day that passes is one less day I have with her. I hate that I can’t press pause. I hate it with every nerve in my failing body.
*
Excerpt from Tyler’s Journal
8
Sunday, 20th November 2016
“I WANT TO tell you something,” I said to Janesa on our usual Sunday morning run. Ty was ahead on his bike—like always—but she didn’t have Rosie with her that day; Alex had decided to keep her to give Janesa a break. I had a feeling that he was just trying to convince her that he could be more involved so she’d agree to start popping out more babies sooner.
“OK.” She allowed the letters to leave her mouth slowly. “Can I make any sort of comment on what you’re going to tell me?”
“No. I just want you to listen.”
“OK.” The sounds were faster this time. We’d been through this a lot over the years. While I’d tried to wrap my head around the confused emotions running rampant in my mind, she’d become my sounding board. I’d done the same for her when she needed it. The key to it was that the other person wasn’t allowed to pass any judgement. We had to listen and comment only when invited.
“Jude kissed me.”
“He what?” she blurted, seconds before she slapped her hand over her mouth, her blue eyes wide. “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again,” she assured me.
“I was shocked too. But it wasn’t that kind of kiss. Well, I think it was, kind of. But it was like a prelude, or a hint, or something. It was just a peck on the cheek. But, I’m really confused by it.”
“OK.” Her teeth chewed at the inside of her lip. I could tell she wanted more information, but since it was all still a jumble in my head, it came out that way when I tried to explain.
“I’m not exactly confused by it. I mean, I know what the kiss meant. I’m just confused over the whole scenario—meeting him, feeling…” I paused, looking for the right word. “Comfortable around him. We’ve spent…time together.” Her eyes bugged out but she pressed her lips together. I quickly clarified what ‘time’ meant. “Not like a date or anything remotely romantic. It’s just been a series of meet-ups where we spoke for longer and longer each time. Last time was the first time we met up on purpose. It was supposed to be for a walk, but then it turned into the whole day. It ended with him thinking I didn’t like him, me telling him I did like him, then him getting all weird and wanting to leave, then that peck.” I touched my stomach. “I think I like him. That’s what I’m confused about.”
When I looked her way, her cheeks were all red and her shoulders were tense. I thought she might explode if she didn’t tell me what she was thinking, and honestly, I really needed to hear it.
“You can say something,” I conceded.
“You like him?” she asked immediately. “As in, I-think-Jude-is-really-dreamy kind of like?”
Hearing her say it like that made my stomach drop. It felt wrong. Like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, waiting for the moment when you sped down the steepest drop. I wanted to scream ‘Let me off’ even though I knew it wouldn’t do me any good—everything was already set in motion, completely out of my control.
Lifting both hands, I covered my face and groaned. “Yes. No. Maybe.” I dropped them so they slapped against the outside of my thighs. “I don’t know how I feel, Nes. I’m just really confused.”
“But you like spending time with him?”
With my jaw set tight, I took a breath then nodded. “I do.”
“Then I think that’s amazing.”
“Is it?” I shook my head, struggling with the nagging guilt that pulled at the centre of my chest saying another man’s name. “It doesn’t feel amazing. It feels like I’m doing something wrong.”
“No, Sarah.”
“Hear me out,” I said, holding my hand up to stop her defending me any further. “I promised myself to Tyler. I swore that I’d never even contemplate going down this road again. Then the moment some guy shows an interest in me, I’m letting him in my life—my house, around my son. Am I that desperate and lonely? I mean, he might not even like me in that way and I’m reading everything wrong. Maybe he’s just one of those people who kisses a cheek when he leaves, you know, to be polite.”
“How about you talk me through this a little more? Tell me about this day that ended with the kiss. How did it c
ome about?”
“Ty wanted to play with that cat again. So he asked Jude when we saw him in the elevator. Jude obliged, after making sure it was OK with me, of course.”
“So, you went straight away?”
“No. We were going out and Jude was headed to work. So we planned to meet Saturday.”
“That’s really nice,” she said with a hint of delight in her voice.
“He seems to have this really easy bond with Ty. I think that’s part of what I like about him; I really like the way he treats my son.”
“Understandable.”
I nodded, already starting to feel better talking about this. “Ty thinks Jude is the best thing since sliced bread.” I smiled at the memory of Ty’s excitement over seeing Jude. “He even invited Jude to dinner. Jude sat at the table and ate tinned spaghetti and mini hotdogs with him. It was adorable.” I paused and saw her open her mouth to say something, but I held up a finger. “Don’t comment on that part.” She held up a hand and pressed her lips together. “Anyway, we talked all afternoon. And it was proper adult conversation, you know? Not general chit-chat I make with my patients to pass the time, but actual conversations about world events and their impact on the human populace. You know, we had this great conversation about how social media is primarily focused on spreading inflammatory news. He knows so much. I feel like my mind gets to stand up and stretch its legs whenever he’s around.”
“So, you talk politics together?”
“No. We talk about everything. And it’s not always some in-depth philosophical conversation, it can be basic conversation or observations about life. Being around him is nice and easy. I’m comfortable around him, you know? Well, I was anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
“When Ty went to bed, I realised that the last time I’d talked to a guy that much was when I first started dating Tyler. I kind of lost it.” Even thinking about it now brought that confused emotion rushing back. It seemed my mind was incapable of thinking of Jude and Tyler at the same time.
“Lost it, how?”
“I didn’t cry. I just went really still. I was horrified.”
“Horrified?”
I nodded. “I had gone an entire day without thinking about him. I mean, he was in there.” I lifted my hand and touched my head to illustrate. “I could feel him there like I always do. But I wasn’t actively missing him. I was horrified that I had found it so easy to do that.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself, Sarah.”
“Am I? I don’t know about that. Is there even a protocol when it comes to grief? I mean, do I have to stand by my decision to live the rest of my life alone because no one could ever stand up to Tyler’s memory? Or, do I get to change my mind because some guy floated into my orbit and it feels really good having him there?” I shook my head, looking down at my feet as they moved along the pavement.
“I don’t think there are any rules. You just do what feels right to you. And if it feels right to spend time with Jude then that’s what you do.”
“It’s too sudden.”
“It’s been almost five years.”
I pressed my lips together. “Still…”
Janesa waited exactly four steps before she spoke again. “So you freaked out when you thought about Tyler. I totally get that—then what happened?”
It took me a moment to clear the fog of self-pity from my mind and return to detailing my day with Jude. “Well, then he started rambling about how he wasn’t very good at peopling and was too opinionated and always seemed to get in the way.”
She smiled. “He’s not good at ‘peopling’?”
“He has a teenage sister, I think. He said it was her term.”
“Well, he does have that awkward charm thing going for him—Hugh Grant without the prostitutes.”
“Ha! He’s prettier than Hugh Grant ever was.”
“That, he is. I’m glad you noticed.” She grinned, a sly twinkle in her eye.
“Oh, I noticed. I notice everything about him. The way he moves, the fact that he’s really nervous every time he talks to me.”
“That’s because he wants to impress you.”
“You think?”
She nodded. “I do. So what did you say to calm the rambling?”
“I told him that I liked him exactly the way he was.”
Her eyes were brightening. “Then what did he say?”
“He got even more nervous. He couldn’t make it to the door fast enough.”
“He left?”
I nodded. “That’s when he gave me that superfast kiss on the cheek, said that he likes spending time with me and took off.”
Janesa was grinning. “That is flipping adorable.”
I grimaced, my stomach hurting at the thought of it. “It kind of was.”
“So when was this? Last night?”
“No. It was last week.”
“And have you spoken to or seen him since?”
“I’ve kind of been avoiding him all week.”
“Because he kissed you on the cheek, or because you like that he kissed you on the cheek?”
This part was hard for me to voice. And it was essentially the entire reason for this conversation. I needed to voice my thoughts so I could feel OK about them. I needed to be honest with myself. “Because I like having him around. Because for the first time in years, I felt alive again. When I’m talking to him, I forget to be sad. Then when I remember, it hits me so hard. I don’t know how to marry the two feelings together. I don’t know if I want to have any feelings towards him.”
Ty steered his bike towards the play equipment and hopped off. Janesa and I reached him a few steps later and started stretching while he played and we continued to talk.
“From where I’m standing, Jude sounds amazing. You could do with some happiness in your life, Sarah. God knows you’ve been to hell and back.”
“I just feel so…” This whole process was hard. Talking about it was hard. Living with it was hard. Moving past it, even harder. “Guilty,” I added finally.
“Because you’re attracted to him?”
Taking a seat on the grass, I reached out to grab my toes, stretching my hamstrings, my head down. “He makes me feel good—better. So, yeah, that’s what it is.”
When I looked up, Janesa was watching me, her lips curved in a sad but understanding smile. “I’m going to be really blunt here, OK?”
I nodded, already knowing where this was going.
“Your husband died, Sarah. It was devastating. And no one felt his loss more than you did. But you are still here and you have been mourning so intensely these past five years. You’ve done everything you can to honour Tyler’s memory. So, if spending time with Jude gives you a break from feeling that pain then I don’t think you should feel guilty about it. Not for a second. And I am positive that Tyler would want you to find happiness in any way you can. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would want you to stop living just because he died.”
“I know that. I know what Tyler wanted, I know he wanted me to find someone again and go off and be happy. But I can’t just push him out of my heart. Between him and Ty, my heart is full. And I shouldn’t need another man in my life because I still have a piece of him.” I gestured towards Ty who was hanging from the monkey bars and challenging another little boy to do it faster. “This is supposed to be enough.”
“Oh Sarah. Kids are great, and they love you with everything they have and vice versa. But having someone want you for you…” She widened her eyes in a knowing look.
“I’m just…I don’t think I’m ready to have some guy interested in me, not sure that I’m ready to be interested in him. It’s great to forget for a little while, it really is. But the moment I remember, I feel that slam in my chest.” I took a handful of the fabric of my shirt, right at the centre of my chest where the pain lived. “It feels like I’m cheating and I haven’t done a thing. And I’m certainly not ready to…” Frowning, I pulled at the blades of grass a
nd watched them fall from my fingers, unable to finish the thought. The idea of having sex with anyone other than Tyler was something I couldn’t address in my head, let alone say out loud. “I just think that maybe, I need to cut all ties with him. I don’t think…” I stopped talking, feeling sick and nervous as my thoughts jumbled up again.
“I think that would be a really horrible choice.”
“But I’m not ready,” I argued, too fast. The words came out more like a wheeze than actual sound.
Janesa took my hand. “OK. It’s OK,” she soothed. “What I’m hearing from you right now is that you’re scared to feel something for someone again.” Closing my eyes, I nodded, a tear sliding down my cheek that I wiped away before anyone could see. “OK. Now, I’m not saying that you have to have a relationship with this guy—you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But I think that maybe, at the very least, you two could be friends. If it’s supposed to be more, well, let the gods decide that. Just don’t focus on the what-ifs. Take a leaf out of Tyler’s book and live in the moment. It’s the only one that matters.”
Sniffing, I let out my breath. “Gawd. I’m being so dramatic. The guy kissed me on the cheek for Christ’s sake. It could be nothing. I could be imagining all of this. He could just be this nice guy who has no romantic interest in me whatsoever and I’m so out of touch that I’m blowing it all out of proportion.”
Janesa bounced a shoulder. “Or, it could be everything. You just never know unless you give it a chance. Don’t forget, I’ve met Jude. I saw the way he looks at you. I don’t think you’re imagining anything, and considering everything you’ve been through, you’re not being dramatic. If anything, you’re being far too careful.” She leaned closer and nudged my arm with her elbow. “Personally, I think you should get a little crazy. Be a little selfish, have some fun. You’ve got a sexy Brit who seems very interested in you. Maybe just get out of your head a little and see what happens. Live in the moment.” She reached out and shook me gently by my shoulders.
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