Then he wiped his nose with the back of his hand and stepped forward, holding his hand out for the balloon.
“What do I say?” he whispered.
“Anything you like. You can just let go. Or you can say goodbye. It’s up to you.”
I held on to the string while he placed his hands either side of the balloon. He kissed the outside of it. “Goodbye, Daddy,” he whispered. Then he threw his hands above his head, releasing the balloon into the wind.
We gasped collectively, watching the balloon dance on the air currents, lifting higher and higher.
I lifted Ty onto my hip. “Goodbye!” he yelled, waving his little arm.
“Goodbye,” I whispered, feeling the stuttering in my chest, as the red dot grew so small I could barely see it. This was it. There would be no more. No new journals. No packages at my door. Once the balloon was gone, the cycle was complete. Everything that was Tyler was now gone.
“Daddy!” Ty shrieked suddenly, his arms reaching out, panic in his voice.
“It’s OK, baby,” I told him, my tears joining his. He curled against me, sobbing into my chest, making me second-guess my decision to let him be a part of this even though I knew it was important. “Daddy is happy up there,” I said against his hair. He only cried harder.
Jude’s hand rested softly against the nape of my neck, massaging, and I rested my head on his shoulder, needing his strength. “You did the right thing,” he murmured, shifting so his arm was around me. “In the future, he’ll remember he was part of this. It’ll mean something.”
“I hope so,” I said, wiping at my eyes.
He held me a little tighter and pressed a soft kiss to my temple. “I know so.”
30
Monday, 23rd January 2017
“JUDE IS PERFECT for you.” Janesa leaned up against Alex’s and her car, her cheeks pink from the exertion of the hike back from Wedding Cake Rock and her eyes red from the emotion of the day. We were all completely drained. Ty had fallen asleep in the hiking carrier Jude had strapped to his back and hadn’t stirred at all when we transferred him to his car seat.
“You think so?” I asked, standing with my hands in my pockets as I glanced over to where he was talking with everyone else. He was right beside the open door where Ty was, keeping an eye on him while we ran the Navara to get the air conditioning working on what was a very warm day.
“I do. He’s exactly what you needed. I really believe that considering the circumstances of how you met, Tyler sent him to you.”
I smiled. “I kind of believe that too.”
“He cares deeply for you.”
“I feel the same way about him.”
She held her arms out then gave me a hug. “I’m so glad. You deserve to be happy.”
Thanking her, I took a moment to say goodbye to Alex and thank them both for being there. I couldn’t have imagined doing it without them.
“I wouldn’t have missed it,” Alex said, hugging me tight. “I loved that crazy bastard.”
“I know,” I whispered, rubbing his back. I could feel the loss rolling off him. Tyler was such a huge part of so many people’s lives.
“This was really beautiful,” Susan said with a smile before she embraced me. “It was exactly what we needed. You made the right choice.”
“I think Tyler will be happy that we’ve put him to rest,” I said over her shoulder.
“I know,” she whispered. “The time was right.”
Graeme placed his hand on my shoulder. “Thank you,” he said. “I can’t even begin to explain what this day meant to me.”
I took his hand between both of mine. “I hope this can be the start of all of us healing. I’d like you to know your grandson and I’m sure he wants to know you.”
“I’d like that a lot,” he said, giving me a short but heartfelt embrace. Then he and Susan coupled off, talking quietly before getting into their separate cars.
“Time to go?” Mum asked.
I nodded.
“It was a beautiful ceremony,” she said and I thanked her.
My father hugged me. “You’re such an amazing woman, Sarah,” he said. “I admire your strength.”
I almost cried. My dad didn’t hand out compliments easily. He was always there for me, a quiet strength in most instances, but having him verbalise his opinion meant the world to me.
“Thank you, Dad,” I whispered, hugging him back, telling him that we’d meet them back at my place. They were staying with us overnight and driving back to Moama in the morning.
“Can I just say how strong I think you are?” Jude said, wrapping me in his arms as I moved toward the Navara.
I relaxed against him. “I’m only strong because I have you. I was a mess before.”
“Don’t give me so much credit. This was all you. You gave everyone who was close to Tyler a chance to say one last goodbye. And you made that goodbye really special.”
“I loved the things you said,” I told him. “Having you take part in today was perfect.”
“I just spoke from the heart. How are you feeling, though?”
Letting out a sigh, I moved back a little so I could look into his eyes. “Tired. Exhausted. But I feel good too. We just sent him on one last magical adventure. Everything about today feels right. Especially you. I don’t think I could have managed any of this if I didn’t have you by my side.”
Running his fingers against my cheeks, he smiled then kissed my forehead. “Let’s go home, my love.”
Pouring two glasses of wine, I carried them to the couch, handing one to Jude who was stretched out reading a book. We were bone-weary and heartsore. My parents had turned in early. Even Ty had gone to bed without his usual slew of excuses to get an extra five minutes of awake time. I was glad the day was almost over; even more glad that I had Jude to decompress with.
“I really do love you,” I told him, watching the way he pushed his glasses up his nose before taking the glass. The feeling hit me in the chest as I watched the way his fingers curled around the stem, and the way his other hand pressed against the pages of his book to keep it from closing. I watched the way his lips curved in appreciation, and the way his eyes softened when he looked at me. It was all so simple, yet so meaningful.
Love—great love—was about sharing your life with someone. It was about that feeling in the quiet when invisible strings connected you.
His smile widening, Jude set his glass and book to the side. “Come here,” he said, holding his arms out to me.
Placing my glass next to his, I joined him on the couch, lying beside him with my head against his chest. He held me tight, pressing a kiss to the top of my head before he whispered, “I love you too.” Then he held me a little tighter.
“I think I want to move,” I said after a while.
“Any particular reason?”
I released a slow breath. “It’s time.” I shifted my gaze in a wide arc, taking in the home I had shared with Tyler all those years ago. It had been just Ty and me here for the majority of my time in the apartment but we’d also been living there with Tyler’s ghost. Over the past few months, it had felt as though Tyler’s presence was slowly slipping away, and now that his ashes had been scattered and his things relocated, it didn’t feel like he was here at all. Tyler had moved on. It was time for me to do the same.
“Have you thought about moving back to the country? Ty loves it there and you’d have your parents closer.”
Twisting in his arms, I lifted my head to look at him, my forearms resting across his chest. “What about you?”
He shrugged. “Well…I…I thought that perhaps…maybe…I could come.” He paused and cleared his throat. “Er, with you. We could go there together.”
This made me sit up even higher. “But what about your job? What about my job? Do you really think we’re ready for that?”
He sat up with me. “I do,” he said. “I barely use my apartment anymore. We’re using it as a guesthouse for your parents at the moment. S
o I think living together is already happening. Getting our own place would simply make it official.”
I took his hand and met his concerned eyes. He was rambling, which I had grown to learn meant he felt worried he’d said the wrong thing. I loved that he still worried. Even after everything we’d been through together, he still worried whenever he broached a new subject that could possibly cause a problem if he and I weren’t on the same page. It was adorable and made me want to kiss him.
“It’s not the living together part I’m worried about,” I assured him. “We’ve already come so far together and I agree that it’s the next logical step. What I’m worried about is moving everything back to Moama. It’s a huge undertaking. I mean, we could stay on the farm while we find our own place. We’d have to break the news to Susan—I have no idea how she’ll react. But even without that worry, we’d have to shift our entire lives out there. What about your teaching?”
“I would honestly prefer to be milking cows.”
“Seriously? You’d throw away your career at the university to be a farmer?”
He nodded. “I would.”
“You loved it that much?”
Running his hand through my hair, he nodded again.
“What if you grew tired of it? I mean, my dad and brother would love the help, but there aren’t many days off. The cows always need milking.”
“I know. But I just keep thinking about how…at peace I was out there. And Ty, wow, that boy was in his element, and he talks about it all the time. I don’t want to be in the city anymore. I know there are things that tie us here, but it’s nothing we can’t work around. And I think, that if we’re going to move, we should do it before Ty starts school so we don’t disrupt his education.”
The way he said ‘we’ and the way he was taking Ty into consideration showed me that we had become a family unit. He wasn’t a single, solitary man anymore. We were a we.
“And what would I do there?”
“Your job. There are physiotherapists there too. You could join a practice or start your own. I could even see some speech patients. It could be a joint practice if you liked. We could have a good life there.”
I took a deep breath, studying his features as I thought over his words. Moving back to the country was definitely something I’d thought about. Especially with a little boy who thrived during our times there. But until now, I’d felt so tied to this apartment. Now that I was ready, perhaps moving back home would be the right thing to do….
“Home,” I said with a smile.
He narrowed one eye in curiosity.
“Home,” I repeated. “I just thought about Moama and referred to it as home.”
He grinned. “I’d really love it if it could be that for us.”
I really loved that he wanted that for us. I loved that he’d thought about it so fully, weighed our options as a family unit and come to me with a plan that considered what would be best for everybody—especially Ty. Jude was willing to give up his career to be a farmer. Not only because he liked it, but because the farm was Ty’s favourite place in the world. I don’t think my heart had ever felt so full.
Lying back down with him, I grinned as he brushed his nose against mine. “You know, I think I’d like that too. Let’s build a home together, Jude. Let’s build our home.”
31
Saturday, 18th March 2017
SORTING THE CONTENTS of two apartments. Organising builders. Giving notice to jobs and preschools. These are the things that have occupied our time over the last couple of months. All this, while travelling to and from Moama to oversee the building of our house.
When we made the decision to move, we certainly didn’t do it by halves.
The house was one of those kit homes that go up quickly in a few months. We’re placing it on my parents’ land so Jude won’t have to travel far in the early hours of the morning to help with the milking. This arrangement was my parents’ idea, and while at first, I wasn’t so sure I wanted a kit home, once I looked into them I found something beautiful that looked exactly like the picturesque farmhouse I’d always imagined living in. The plan was to be in by Ty’s birthday in July. So we were organising our lives accordingly.
There was a massive amount of work involved, but I was really excited about everything that was happening and the direction my life was taking. It felt like I was coming full circle, returning to my roots to give my son the same upbringing his father and I had. Fresh air, sunshine and farm work were the kind of character-building forces that couldn’t be matched in a city upbringing.
Surprisingly, Susan had been fully supportive of the idea. I’d expected her to be hurt that I was taking Ty away from her. But she felt the opposite. She thought it would help him feel closer to his father. In the last couple of weeks, she’d even mentioned that she was toying with the idea of moving back to Moama as well. I think her regular communication with Graeme might have had something to do with that, though. Seems they’d started making amends and were growing close again. I did wonder how Tyler would have felt about the new development, but then he was the kind of person who only wanted other people to be happy. Seeing his mum and dad together again, reunited by their grief over losing him, I think he’d be OK. Deep down, he just wanted his father’s acceptance. His father’s pride. I think he got that, albeit posthumously.
“Are you ready?” Jude asked, popping his head around the bedroom door to find me digging through the drawer in my dressing table in search of a pair of earrings.
“Almost. I just can’t find the other one of these,” I told him, holding up the pearl and diamond earring I was searching for the mate of.
“Do you really need that specific set? We’re going to be late.”
“These are the ones that go with this outfit, so yes, I do need this set,” I told him, pulling items out and putting them on the floor.
Chuckling, he knelt down beside me to help look. “Is this it?” he asked, holding up a pearl stud.
“This one dangles,” I told him, jiggling it to show him. “Why don’t you leave this to me and make sure Ty isn’t trying to change into his Power Rangers costume again.”
“Sure,” he said, kissing my cheek as he stood. “You look gorgeous by the way. Even without the earrings.”
I was wearing a tailored purple dress that came about two inches above my knees and a pair of velvet black heels. My hair was pinned to my head in a pile of styled curls and my makeup was on point. We were going out to celebrate Cherie’s fiftieth birthday. When I found that out, I’d been surprised at how young she was. It must have been hard for her looking after two grieving boys when she was barely out of university. It would have been a lot for her to handle.
I’d met Cherie, and Jude’s half-sister, Marissa, a few times previously. Ty, naturally, was overjoyed to be reunited with Sophie the cat each time we went to their house. They were good people who seemed to only want the best for Jude. But I could tell they were quite sad that Jude had decided to move so far away. I was yet to meet Rigby, and honestly, I wasn’t sure when I’d get to. He was ten years into a fifteen year sentence and Jude wasn’t keen on the idea of taking me to the prison when things were so strained between them. Jude had been visiting him more often though, trying even harder to mend their broken relationship, but so far Rigby hadn’t been responsive. Jude had sworn he wouldn’t give up. He was done with walking away when times got tough, and I was proud of the man he’d become.
“We found your earring,” Jude said, causing me to turn around.
Ty skipped ahead of him and placed it in my hand. “It was the treasure for my pirates chest,” he explained.
“Thank you!” I beamed, heading to the bathroom to wash something that felt a little sticky off the earring before I put it in my ear.
“You really shouldn’t take your mum’s earrings to use for treasure,” I heard Jude tell Ty.
“But I need something sparkly. They can’t dig up an empty chest.”
“I’m
sure we can find some cool treasure at the craft shop. I’ll take you tomorrow, how does that sound?”
“Can we get glue to make slime too?”
“Are you going to bury the treasure in the slime?”
“Probably.”
Jude paused. “OK.”
“I’m ready,” I said, emerging from the bathroom, smiling at the conversation I just overheard, also noting how clear Ty’s speech was becoming with Jude around. There were some added benefits to living with a speech therapist. He’d slowly encouraged Ty until he was talking clearly like the grown-up little man he was.
Jude stood and checked his watch, looking handsome in a button-up shirt and black slacks, his contacts in place, and his face freshly shaved. “We should make the reservation on time. I’ll text Marissa and let her know we’re on our way so they can meet us outside.”
Since we were going to the city, we took Jude’s car, buckling Ty into his seat before driving to Jude’s stepmother’s house where Cherie and Marissa got straight into the car.
“I’m so sorry we’re late,” I said as they slid into the backseat. “It was all my fault.”
“My pirates stole her earring.” Ty giggled. And Marissa, who was only eighteen, tickled him on his knee and called him a rascal. He giggled more, enjoying the attention from a pretty girl.
“Do you think we could stop at the service station?” Cherie asked as Jude started driving toward the restaurant. “I’m out of smokes.”
Jude held his hand out to me and I dug inside my handbag to retrieve the packet of Dunhill that he’d placed in there earlier, knowing that this would be his stepmother’s first request and pre-empting her. My man was pretty clever.
“I’ve got you covered, Cherie, but really, don’t you think it’s time to quit those things?”
“It’s my birthday, Jude. I’m fifty. Smoking is all I have left.”
He chuckled and steered his way to the restaurant where we had a beautiful banquet meal to celebrate the milestone of a woman I admired greatly. Jude was a great man because of her influence and efforts.
As the night wore on, we ended up at her house where we were meant to be having coffee and birthday cake, but Cherie had produced a bottle of champagne instead, adding that to her already tipsy self. I was the only sober one there, taking over the driving duties from Jude so he could drink to celebrate with his family.
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