by Paige Toon
‘Okay,’ he slurs slowly. And then I swear he says, ‘But don’t cut me,’ although I can’t be sure.
‘I won’t cut you, I promise,’ I tell him with a giggle.
His corresponding chuckle is the most familiar he’s sounded since I got here.
‘There’s my dad,’ I say tenderly, sniffing. ‘I knew I’d find you under all that facial hair.’
‘Let’s get this over with,’ he mutters. I think. Or maybe he’s just telling me to bugger off.
I drive up to the hills straight afterwards, winding down the windows so I can feel the warm air blasting across my skin. The heat is blissful after the cold winter we’ve been having in England. If it weren’t for the snowdrops popping up left, right and centre when I left, I would have thought spring was taking a break this year.
Mount Barker is only about half an hour’s drive away and I easily find the garage where Josh works.
‘G’day,’ he says, coming out onto the forecourt wearing grubby green overalls. His cheeks are smeared with oil and grime, but his chiselled good looks shine through. Josh is tall, tanned and slim with longish dark hair and dark-brown eyes. Tina nabbed herself quite a catch.
‘I won’t kiss you because I don’t want to get you all mucky,’ he says. ‘I told Tina I’ll lend you my car so you can meet her in Stirling.’ He pulls out a set of keys and points to an old, but pristine, black BMW parked twenty metres away.
‘Are you sure?’ I ask with surprise.
‘Yeah, but be gentle with her,’ he warns, dropping the keys onto my palm. ‘She’s my baby.’
Tina works as a hairdresser in Stirling, a small town nearby that is very attractive, with old colonial-style buildings and tree-lined streets. It has some great pubs and we find ourselves sitting outside one, on the sunny terrace under the shade of a large umbrella.
‘It is so good to see you,’ Tina says. ‘Sorry about the circumstances.’
‘It sucks,’ I agree, knowing it’s an understatement. ‘It’s going to be a tough few weeks.’ And the rest.
‘Is that how long you’re staying?’ she asks.
‘I don’t know. I had to put in a return date for my flight, but I can change it. At the moment I plan on going home at the end of March in time for Easter.’ That’s about six weeks away.
Tina is gorgeous: tall and slim with honey-coloured limbs and naturally light-blonde hair that swishes a couple of inches above her shoulders. She’s bubbly and personable, and if I think Josh is a catch, the same more than applies to her. The two of them are a sickeningly attractive couple. If they decided to mate and have babies, they could sell them for a fortune.
‘I love your fringe.’ She reaches forward to smooth her hand across my forehead. ‘It really suits you.’
‘Thanks,’ I respond with a smile, putting my menu down on the table. It’s no surprise she went into hairdressing. She always used to mess around with my hair when we were younger. Nell and I have been through it all: perms, highlights, haircuts. Some results were less successful than others.
‘So how’s Ned?’ Tina asks.
‘He’s good,’ I reply. ‘He’s just been given a promotion.’
‘Nice one! Is that why he couldn’t come with you?’
‘Yeah.’ I shrug. ‘Bit of a bummer, but couldn’t be helped.’
‘You must miss him,’ she says gently.
‘Christ, no. I only left him a couple of days ago. Welcome break.’
She laughs, her green eyes twinkling. ‘Old married couple now, hey?’
‘Something like that,’ I reply with a grin. ‘How about you and Josh? Is marriage on the cards?’
‘Nah. Bastard still hasn’t proposed.’ She picks up her drink and casually swirls the ice around. ‘If he doesn’t soon, I might look elsewhere.’
‘Really?’ I’m not sure if she’s joking or not.
‘Plenty more fish,’ she replies ominously.
‘You guys have been living together for a while,’ I note.
‘Tell me about it. Old married couple ourselves, practically. If he leaves his dirty overalls on the bathroom floor one more time, I’m going to go ape-shit. We should order.’
I laugh as she flags down a passing waitress.
Tina has to get back to work after an hour, but she asks me if I’m free this Friday. She and Josh are heading into town with a bunch of friends, including my old pal Nell, who I still haven’t called.
I tell her I’ll let her know. It’ll depend on how things go with Dad this week. I’m not sure I’ll feel up to socialising.
Dad’s car won’t be ready for at least another hour so I kill some time wandering around the shops and breathing in the fresh air, which is about five degrees cooler up here in the hills. I find a bookshop and buy the latest Dan Brown for Dad, thinking I might try reading something to him, if he can’t manage it himself.
Eventually I climb into Josh’s BMW and drive carefully back to the garage.
My pulse races at the sight of the willow-green E-Type Jaguar convertible on the forecourt. Josh comes out of the office, just as I’m climbing out of his car.
‘We’re just finishing up with your dad’s car,’ he calls.
‘Great! Thank you. Hey, is that Tony Lockwood’s Jag?’ I ask breathlessly, although I already know the answer. I would recognise that car anywhere. Ethan’s dad used to let us clamber all over it as kids.
‘No, it’s his son’s,’ Josh replies.
I’m taken aback. ‘Ethan’s?’
‘You know him?’ He holds out his hand for his keys and I hand them over, feeling jittery.
‘I went to school with him,’ I explain, following him as he strolls over to the Jag. ‘He came to my wedding.’ I’m trying to sound casual, but my voice is shaky.
‘That’s right, I remember.’ He pulls out a chamois and rubs at a mark on the bonnet.
‘Is Tony okay? You said the car belongs to Ethan now.’
‘Oh, yeah, Tony’s fine,’ he replies. ‘He gave this little beauty to Ethan as an engagement present, lucky bastard.’
‘It’s alright for some.’ I smile weakly as he stuffs the chamois back into his pocket.
‘He should probably give it back, now,’ he says, raising his eyebrows at me meaningfully.
I’m puzzled. ‘Why?’
‘Now that he and Sadie have split up?’ He frowns at my shocked expression. ‘You didn’t know?’
I shake my head, adrenalin coursing through my body. ‘No. When did they split up?’
‘About six months ago. You guys not in contact at all?’
‘Not really.’ Our wedding was the first time I’d seen him in years.
‘He’ll be here in a bit to pick this thing up. You should stay and say hello,’ he suggests.
I hesitate, before remembering that Dad’s occupational therapist is supposed to be coming by at three. I want to discuss a few things with her. ‘I can’t. I have to go and see my dad, but will you tell him I said hi?’
‘Sure thing.’
‘Thanks again for fitting Dad’s car in at such short notice, and for lending me your “baby”,’ I add with a smile.
‘No worries,’ he replies with a grin.
My ears are ringing as I drive away, keeping my eyes peeled in case Ethan returns. He and Sadie have split up? He’s single?
Yes, and I’m married. And I really shouldn’t have to remind myself.
Chapter 5
‘You forgot to cancel the car service,’ Liz grumbles, moments after she’s walked into Dad’s hospital room.
‘Oh shit!’ I swear, causing the furrows in her brow to deepen.
‘The garage called my mobile at work,’ she adds with annoyance.
‘Whoops. Sorry,’ I apologise. ‘Totally forgot.’
‘You’ve had a shave!’ Liz exclaims to Dad, belatedly noticing my handiwork.
‘Amber did it,’ Dad slurs.
‘Yeah, I did,’ I confirm with a proud smile.
‘I liked your beard
y look, didn’t I, Len?’
Oh bugger off, then.
Dad says something that sounds like, ‘Prefer this,’ and then I watch, riveted, as he slowly and sluggishly moves his affected right hand up to touch his face.
‘Me too.’ I lean over to grasp his hand and kiss his smooth cheek.
‘Oh, hello!’ Liz exclaims as a woman in her early forties appears at Dad’s bedside. ‘Amber, this is Len’s occupational therapist,’ she introduces us, firmly inserting herself back into place as Dad’s primary carer. I try not to mind.
On Friday afternoon, four days later, I find myself lying on my bed, staring at the flies head-butting my window. Bump, bump, bump. Christ, they’re stupid. Bump. Ooh, a bee!
Last night I inadvertently squashed a moth against the bathroom mirror while trying to trap it. The first thought that sprang to mind was, whoops. The second was, what a nice eyeshadow colour the dust from its wings would make. Poor moth. I think I need to get out more. It’s just as well I’ve got plans to see Nell and Tina tonight.
Dad was moved into the Rehabilitation Ward today, which was a huge step for him. He’s still very tired, so there’s only so much I can do for him at the hospital. Most of his concentration and energy is being spent on his physiotherapy, occupational therapy and speech pathology sessions, all of which seriously wear him out. I’ve tried reading aloud to him, but even the effort of listening is draining. Liz has warned me that I need to let him rest more. He’s suffering from chronic fatigue, which is common in stroke survivors, so sometimes he just drifts off to sleep when I’m talking to him. I’ve taken to going for wanders through the nearby Botanic Gardens to kill the time.
I know Liz is keen for me to go out tonight. She’s having a couple of friends over and wants the house to herself. It’ll be good to catch up with Nell. She’s got a new boyfriend, apparently.
She’s offered to come and pick me up so we can get ready together at her place, and by the time the doorbell rings, I’m champing at the bit to exit the premises.
‘Hi!’ I exclaim, throwing my arms around my friend on the doorstep. She giggles as she hugs me back.
Nell is about five foot six and curvy with chestnut ringlets and brown eyes. She’s a midwife at the Women’s and Children’s Hospital and she usually wears her hair down when she’s not working, but right now it’s secured in a big high ponytail.
‘Have you come straight from work?’ I ask, pulling away to look at her uniform. That answers that question.
‘Yes,’ she confirms. ‘My cover was running late and then this woman was so close to popping that I couldn’t bear to leave without seeing the baby. A girl! So sweet,’ she enthuses.
‘How cute,’ I respond obligingly. ‘Come inside a sec. I’ll just grab my things.’
‘You look amazing,’ she says as she follows. ‘I love your dress! And your hair is stunning like that.’
‘Aw, thanks.’
I’m wearing a thigh-length black dress with a flirty A-line skirt and I’ve blow-dried my hair so it’s dead straight and shiny, falling to just below my shoulders.
‘Have you already done your make-up?’ she asks, narrowing her eyes at my red lipstick.
‘Yeah, I couldn’t wait. I’ve been bored out of my brain,’ I add in a loud whisper as I lead her into my room.
She perches on my bed as I rummage through my jewellery bag, looking for one of my Christmas presents from Ned: a chunky necklace with green leaf-shaped gemstones over contrasting green-metal clasps.
‘How’s your dad?’ she asks.
‘Do you know what,’ I reply as my hands land on the prize, ‘I honestly think he’s seen a big improvement this week.’ I lower my voice. ‘Liz keeps reminding me that his progress is likely to slow down again after a few weeks, but you know what a doom merchant she is.’ I roll my eyes as I do up my necklace.
‘What’s it like living with her?’ Nell whispers, glancing at the door.
I walk over and push it closed, to be on the safe side.
‘Not as bad as it used to be,’ I reply with a significant look. ‘But I’ve only been here since Sunday and we’ve both been preoccupied with what’s happening to Dad.’
Nell purses her lips knowingly. Liz and I have always rubbed each other up the wrong way. I didn’t like her when she first started seeing Dad, and when she moved in with us I was enraged. I was fifteen at the time, and Dad just wrote me off as a stroppy teenager. I lasted three years with them before I realised she was going nowhere fast and upped sticks myself. I’ve always suspected she thinks she’s won.
‘Come on, let’s get going.’ I slip my feet into my black high heels. ‘I’m desperate for a drink.’
We both call our goodbyes to Liz on the way out.
Nell and I make our way through almost a whole bottle of sparkling wine while she’s getting ready so we’re both pretty giggly by the time we make it to Leigh Street. This is a part of the city that has had a dodgy reputation in the past, but the last few years have seen loads of cool bars open up, and the one that Josh and Tina have chosen is fantastic. They’re already there, drinking beer and propping up the bar under the light of copper lampshades. Nell’s new boyfriend Julian is meeting us here. He was at a friend’s barbecue in a park on the other side of town this afternoon, so Nell suspects he’ll turn up pretty wasted. He’ll be in good company.
‘How much have you drunk?’ Tina asks accusingly when I almost slip while trying to climb onto a stool.
‘Half a bottle of sparkling wine,’ I admit, giggling.
‘I can’t drink like I used to,’ Tina complains, while Josh flags down the girl behind the bar.
‘But we can try,’ I say with a cheeky wink, hoping tonight will be like old times.
‘I’ll get these,’ Josh says when he notices me getting out my purse. ‘What would you like?’
‘I might go for a glass of red, thanks.’
‘Nell?’ he asks. She opts for white.
‘Did you see Ethan?’ I ask Josh as soon as Tina and Nell are safely ensconced in conversation.
‘Oh, yeah!’ he exclaims as he remembers. ‘He was stoked to hear you’re in Adelaide. Said he might pop in tonight.’
‘Really?’ If I’m still capable of blushing, I clearly haven’t drunk enough. I reach for the glass of wine the bargirl has just poured, hoping to rectify that.
‘Who are you talking about?’ Tina asks.
‘Ethan,’ Josh replies.
Nell shakes her head unhappily. ‘Such a bummer about him and Sadie. Did you hear they’ve separated?’ she asks me.
‘Josh told me,’ I reply. ‘It’s awful. I haven’t seen them together in years, but they always seemed happy.’
Sadie didn’t come to my wedding. She had a stomach bug, apparently, so Ethan brought the kids on his own.
‘They argued a lot, didn’t they?’ Tina glances at Josh for confirmation.
‘Christ, yeah,’ he mutters.
‘Their poor girls.’ Nell shakes her head with compassion.
‘How old are they now?’ I ask.
I don’t really expect anyone to know the exact answer, so I’m surprised when Tina replies confidently, ‘Penelope is eight and Rachel has just turned five.’
‘Oh dear,’ I murmur. I feel sorry for all of them, even Sadie, who I’ve never quite forgiven for stealing Ethan away from me.
I don’t mean in a boyfriend capacity, I’m not that demented. But about three months after they started dating, he began to withdraw from our friendship, not turning up to my seventeenth birthday party, cancelling a trip to the movies that we’d organised after bumping into each other in the street, that sort of thing. It was more noticeable than when he’d been out with other girls, and I honestly think that Sadie stopped him from seeing me. I don’t know why – it’s not like I was a threat. If he wanted me, he would have done something about it.
‘It’s a bit awkward, actually, isn’t it?’ Tina draws my attention back to the group. She’s looking at Josh, but s
he glances at me and explains. ‘Josh and Ethan are mates, and I’ve got to know Sadie over the years, so we feel kind of caught in the middle.’
‘I didn’t know you knew Sadie.’ I’m not at all fond of this fact.
‘She used to come into the salon to get her hair cut. Hasn’t been in for a while,’ Tina comments thoughtfully before shrugging. ‘Maybe it’s awkward for her, too. Anyway, we used to babysit the girls occasionally.’
‘Did you?’ I ask with surprise. She and Josh know them well enough to babysit their children?
‘Not so much anymore,’ she clarifies with downturned lips.
I take a sip of my drink, trying to quell my uneasy stomach. It’s been so long since Ethan and I had a proper conversation. I wonder what it will be like if he joins us tonight. At our wedding, my lasting image of him is with two children in tow, one hanging off his leg, another on his shoulders. We barely spoke, but I remember seeing him smile and laugh a lot. He was genuinely happy for Ned and me, and there I was, splitting apart inside.
I shouldn’t have invited him. I didn’t think he’d come, to be honest. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in years, but he was so deeply entwined with my childhood memories that it didn’t feel right to get married in Australia and not invite my oldest friend.
Dad has a fear of flying, so Ned and I knew that, if we wanted him to walk me down the aisle, we’d have to go to him. We organised what we could from the other side of the world, and Nell and Tina helped with some of the finer details.
My job as a teacher meant that I had six weeks of summer holidays at my disposal, so I flew on my own to Australia in August, a year and a half ago, to see to some last-minute preparations. Ned joined me the week before our wedding, and afterwards we flew home via Thailand for our honeymoon. It should have been blissful – it certainly was for Ned. But inside, I felt fractured.
When I walked down the aisle to my cute, funny, clever boyfriend of over five years, all I could think about was the green-eyed, dark-haired man sitting five rows back from the front in the right-hand aisle. I forced myself to keep my eyes on Ned but, as I moved past Ethan, I felt like a part of my heart tore off and stayed with him. Everyone thought it was sweet that I sniffed when I said my vows. No one knows my darkest secret. I wasn’t emotional because I was so happy to be marrying the love of my life. I was emotional because it had suddenly sunk in that the love of my life had married someone else, and now I was also taking steps to be lost to him forever.
