I stood outside Carter’s dark condo with his spare key in my hand. He’d shown me where it was a week ago. God, had that been last week? It felt like a lifetime ago.
If I used this key and he was in there, he was going to lose his mind. Rightly so, I had to admit, but he wasn’t answering his cell phone. Savannah had talked to him briefly, a few days ago, right after the news had broken. He’d said he was going after Vanessa, but after that, five days of silence. And going after Vanessa—that could mean anything. New Orleans. New York. Hell, he could be in Beijing.
Savannah had called the police and hospitals, but neither had any information. I’d tried his assistant, even the mayor’s office, but no one had talked to him in a week. I called Eric Lafayette, who said Carter had just disappeared off the face of the earth.
There was a good chance he was just holed up in his condo. Lying low. But enough was enough, I thought, sliding the key in the lock—people were freaking out.
Not me, of course, I told myself. I didn’t care. Since there was nothing between us, why would I care? But my hands were sweating, and I really, really hoped he was in there, maybe drunk. Hungover. I’d even take him angry.
But please, I prayed, let him be safe.
“Hello?” I cried, stepping into the dark foyer. His running shoes were there, the earbuds still in them. I kicked over a pile of mail from the mail slot, which made me nervous. He hadn’t been here to move it. “Carter?” I cried.
I ran through the rooms but it only confirmed what I knew.
Carter was gone.
Carter was gone, and no matter how much I pretended I didn’t care, it was a lie.
I called Ben and Phillip and then my mother.
And then my love for Carter pushed me back into my car and onto the highway. It pushed me all the way to Bonne Terre.
CARTER
* * *
I lay on my mother’s bed in the crappy hotel room she’d rented off the highway. Some of her clothes were there, a raincoat, a turtleneck. Cold weather clothes, left behind. Like me.
Why am I here? I thought, staring at the same cracks on the ceiling that I’d been staring at for five days. Today was my last day. Vanessa had paid out the week and that was it.
Five days waiting here and I knew what I’d known when I’d first arrived.
There would be no satisfaction from my mother. No explanations. No tearful apologies.
She’d left, taken her thirty silver coins, and she wasn’t coming back. But this time, she had to know that if she came back, I’d send her to the cops.
The rage billowed in me, but I’d already destroyed the lamp, broken the mirror. The TV would never work again. My cell phone was trashed.
There was nothing left for me to throw. Nothing left to keep me here.
It was over. Done. The secret was out and there was no more protecting anyone. All those secrets and lies, the distance I put between myself and anything I wanted to keep clean—it was all over.
The shell was gone and my skin flinched in the cool air.
But still I couldn’t walk out that yellowed door.
What do I have to go back to? I wondered. What did I want to go back to?
Before I’d smashed my phone there had been a dozen calls from Eric Lafayette, messages offering me a job—but I couldn’t work up the enthusiasm.
Zoe?
My heart spasmed fresh hurt. Fresh pain.
I missed her. I missed her more than my job. My condo. My life. I missed her like I missed my family. Like I missed being touched and loved. I missed her like I missed myself—the man I was without the secrets.
But what could I possibly say that would erase what I’d done? The words I’d used to slice her into pieces?
I cringed and sat up, hanging my head in my hands. This suddenly felt so familiar. This place—not the room or the cracks on the ceiling—but this place in my head.
Giving up something I wanted. Something I loved, because it was easier not to fight. Easier to numb the pain and let the distance take over.
My mother had put me in this place again, left me here all by myself, and I had the same choice to make.
Love or no love.
Alone or with someone. With a family.
When I thought about it like that, it seemed so clear.
“Oh God,” I muttered, scrubbing at my face. “I’m so stupid.”
My hands ached to touch Zoe. My arms hurt without her in them.
I stood, opened the yellowed door.
“Goodbye, Mom,” I breathed and shut the door behind me.
The lights were on in Zoe’s loft and my stomach dropped into my shoes. She was going to be so mad, I thought. Hurt. Maybe enough that she’d never forgive me.
And she was right, I thought, remembering what I’d said to her, like she meant nothing to me.
But I had to try.
I looked down at my wrinkled clothes. No doubt I smelled bad. I’d been living on fast food and beer for a week.
But somehow, the man under the smell was worse. I had no job, no career, and my mother had sold me out for what looked like a plane ticket to South America.
Even if Zoe wasn’t so mad she never wanted to see me again, it’s not as if I was bringing her my best game. The best version of myself. I didn’t even have flowers. What was some abject groveling without flowers?
I should go home. At least shower off the stink.
But God, every minute now felt like a year and I was all too aware of every second I’d wasted already.
“You going to stand out there all night?” a woman asked from the open doorway.
“No,” I said, and stepped toward the concrete step and safety glass door where I’d first tried to kiss Zoe. A Christmas elf was stuck to the door. Mocking me. “Thank you. I’m looking for Zo—”
It was Penny standing there, holding open the door like she expected me.
“Took you long enough,” she said, her lips a firm line. “If you didn’t surface here or at your condo tonight, I was under strict rules to call the cops.”
“I’ve been…” A hundred lies came to my lips, but I didn’t have the energy to build a new house of cards. “Scared.”
“You should be,” she said. “You hurt that girl pretty bad.”
My stomach flopped around like a dying fish and there was nothing I could say.
“This is a mistake, isn’t it?” I asked her, naked and vulnerable in a way I’d never been before.
Penny took a deep breath. “No,” she finally said. “Zoe’s tough, and once she loves you, well…” Now Penny looked chagrined, as if remembering all the hurtful things she’d said. “It takes a lot to change her mind. And frankly, once you love that girl—you’re hers. Forever.”
That’s what it felt like. Like she’d sewn her name on my collar and no matter where I got lost, I’d always find my way back to her.
Hope was a very weak candle in my chest.
“I’d like to speak to her,” I said, stepping up on the cement step.
“She’s not here.”
“Where is she?” I asked, suddenly panicked.
“She said she was going to wait for you,” she said. “Where she knew you’d turn up eventually.”
If I felt rough at Zoe’s, after a five-hour drive in the middle of the night I felt like week-old roadkill. But that glimmer of hope that Penny had ignited in my chest had become a fire of purpose.
I arrived at Bonne Terre at dawn, ready to storm any gate that stood in my way. The red front door wasn’t locked, and I stepped into The Manor and felt as though I’d been sucked back in time. A kid again, walking through these doors for the first time. Alone. Scared. But determined to keep my family together.
What I wasn’t expecting was my grandmother.
“Well, well,” Margot said, sitting in a pool of new sunlight in the kitchen. She looked somehow both old and young at dawn, as if the years behind her were long but not nearly as interesting, in her estimation, as the years to
come. Her sleek white hair was loose around her face, and her blue eyes were as sharp as hooks. “Look what the cat dragged in.”
“Is Zoe here?”
“She is. But she’s sleeping,” she said, her voice sharp when I started up the stairs to find her. “And that woman needs her sleep, Carter. She’s upset and pregnant.”
Guilt body slammed me, and I stepped back into the kitchen and collapsed into an empty seat at the table.
She stared at me over her teacup as if she was the queen and I was less than nothing. “You’ve been busy.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I was silent, playing with the homemade jingle bell centerpiece in the middle of the table.
“Vanessa?”
“Gone,” I said. “For good. South America maybe. She’s got people after her for money. The gems…” I paused, tired of the words before they even came out of my mouth. Tired of my life.
“She thought the gems would get her out of a jam. Get her out of the life.”
“Those damn gems,” Margot said, her voice burning, and my gaze flickered to hers. “Caused us more trouble than they’re worth.”
“Uncle Carter?” I spun to see a sleepy, wild-haired Katie on the steps.
“Hiya, Katie,” I said, standing as she leaped off the steps into my arms.
“We’ve been so worried!” she cried. “Mom is totally freaking out and Uncle Tyler is pretending like nothing’s the matter but he and Aunt Juliette are thinking about hiring a private eye and Zoe is—”
There was a thump and a patter of feet on the floors above us and within moments Zoe was on the steps. My chest collapsed at the sight of her. She was so pale. Big black circles lined her eyes, and the swell of her belly against a long white nightgown seemed to dwarf her.
Margot pulled Katie out of my arms, and I stared, blind and dumb, at the woman I’d hurt.
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed.
She was dry-eyed, but her hand trembled against the banister as she stepped down into the kitchen. “For scaring us?” she said. “Or for being so cruel before you left?”
“For both,” I breathed. “For everything.”
I became dimly aware that my whole family was filtering into the kitchen. Savannah and her husband, Matt. Tyler and his wife, Juliette. My whole life, everything I’d denied and turned away, left behind in an effort to protect, was right here, right at the worst and best moment of my life.
But not for a moment did I take my eyes off Zoe.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her little chin lifted, and I wondered if she’d been taking royalty lessons from Margot. I nodded because my throat was so clogged with words. All the things I wanted to say to everyone in the room were suddenly desperate for freedom.
My family, I thought. This is my whole family.
“Where have you been?” she asked.
I wanted to tell her that it didn’t matter, wanted to spare her the seediness of my last five days, but I looked over at my brother. My sister. Their blond hair like halos in the morning light. I saw them as they were and as they had been as children, and I knew I wasn’t that different from Zoe’s mother. They watched me with knowing eyes—Tyler’s in particular seemed to be telling me not to be an idiot anymore.
And I knew for the rest of my life I wouldn’t spare anyone anything.
It hurt too much. Cost too much.
“I’ve spent the last week in Mom’s hotel room,” I said, and just about everyone’s mouth fell open. “Thinking she might show up and tell me it was all just a big mistake. But she’s gone. Without the money from the jewels she thought we had…I think she had to leave the country.”
Margot stood, her chair raking across the hardwood and then she left out the back door. I wondered what pain Margot had suffered over Vanessa, but I had more important things to worry about than the past.
I had my future on the line.
“It was her,” I said to Zoe. “She gave the information to Blackwell. I knew it all along. Those things I said to you…I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t believe it but I was about to cry. Tyler was never going to let go of this, but I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t control it.
“I was scared,” I said. “My whole life I’ve been scared. Of being hurt again like I was when my mom abandoned us. I froze you out because my life was falling apart and I was terrified. I still am. I have no job, Zoe. No career. Nothing but a bad reputation, but none of it matters. Nothing matters…but you. Your mom said—”
“You saw my mom?” she asked.
“She sent me here, sort of,” I said. “But she said once someone loves you, they’re yours. And it’s true, Zoe. I’m yours, whether you want me or not. You told me that you were falling in love with me and I need to tell you that I am in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the moment you stood on that chair.”
“Carter—” She sighed, but it wasn’t happy. “So much has happened to you. Is this some sort of…I don’t know…?”
“Act of desperation,” Tyler filled in. The ass.
“Could we get some privacy?” I snapped, and my family started to clear the room.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Savannah whispered before giving me a quick hug. Tyler patted my back.
“Try not to blow this,” Tyler said. “We like her.”
Finally the room was empty of O’Neills and I was alone with Zoe.
“I think your brother is right—this might be an act of desperation,” Zoe said.
“I know.” I laughed and it felt so good I did it some more. Why did this feel so good? Maybe it was the ten cups of coffee, or maybe it was finally living a life without control. “I’m totally desperate. I’m an absolute mess, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But I have to say, Zoe, I feel better than I have in years. I’ve spent my whole life frightened, trying to control everything. And I don’t have to do that anymore. All I have to do is love you. And I do.”
Zoe stared at me, level and calm, unmoved by my words. It made me feel desperate, lost, and I realized that this was how I’d made her feel. I’d shut her out like this when she’d been naked in front of me.
My instinct was to pull back, save myself, protect myself somehow, but I couldn’t. She’d been so brave, loving me. Showing me every scar and ugly place in her life. The least I could do was show her every beautiful thing I saw when I looked at her.
“You’re the most uncontrollable force of nature I’ve ever met. You’re unpredictable, and unorthodox. You wear your whole heart on the outside of your body and aren’t happy unless I’m doing the same. You make me laugh and you make me feel good. And this baby…your baby…is a product of your bravery and that gigantic heart that I admire and respect so much.”
She blinked, her eyes damp, and my heart soared in relief. “I know I don’t have much to offer you. I mean, in terms of security. Eric has offered me some kind of job, but I don’t know what that is. I might be on a road crew, which I hear makes good money, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that. But—” I was babbling, like Zoe when she was nervous, and it wasn’t until she laughed that I could stop talking.
“I don’t care about your money,” she said. “All I’ve ever cared about is you.”
I sighed with pleasure, her words like a warm bath I could ease into. “I know I’m late to the game,” I whispered, carefully reaching out for her belly, that taut swell of hope and excitement and love waiting to be born. “But I swear I will spend the rest of my life caring about you and this child.”
Her breath shuddered and hiccuped and then she was crying and in my arms and I couldn’t hold her close enough.
“She’s crying!” Katie cried through the door, the little spy. “But they’re hugging so I think it’s good.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered into her hair, against her skin. “I will never hurt you like that again. I love you so much.”
I heard Savannah cheer in the other room and I groaned. �
�At least you’ve met my family,” I said. “They can’t scare you away now.”
“I love your family,” she said, cupping my cheeks and kissing my lips. “Almost as much as I love you.”
“Christ, Carter, can we come in?” Tyler yelled through the door. “It’s like a weeping pregnant women’s club out here.”
“Come in!” Zoe cried, tipping back her head and laughing. The full-throated sound made me drunk with love. With affection. For everyone.
Then my family was there, their arms around us both, their love and laughter ringing through my ears. My life. The years away from them had dried out parts of my body, and they were suddenly flush and living again, tingling and painful like flesh waking up.
So much joy.
“Here’s what’s left of the goddamned gems!” Margot cried, and everyone turned to watch her plunk a potted orchid on the kitchen table.
19
Margot grabbed the orchid at the base of the plant and yanked it from its pot. Its fleshy roots dripped dirt like blood.
I shared a wild look with Savannah and Tyler.
“This was supposed to end it,” Margot said. “Get her out of our lives for good. Stop the damned bleeding of money from this family.” She tossed the orchid on the table and from inside the pot dug out a black bag wrapped in tape.
Casual, like it was a baseball, she tossed it to me.
“Consider it a wedding gift.”
“What the hell?” I breathed, my fingers ripping at the duct tape.
Within seconds the blood-red glitter of a ruby peeked out of the black plastic.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Tyler laughed, plucking the palm-sized gem from the bag. He held its crimson brilliance up to the light. “It was in the greenhouse? All this time?”
“Margot had it all along,” Savannah said, and slumped into a chair. “You lied to me.” Her husband, Matt, stroked her hair.
“Margot,” I said through clenched teeth, “you have a lot of explaining to do.”
Margot sat down at the table, all her earlier queenly elegance gone. “I’d been keeping tabs on Vanessa and your father for a long time, making sure they wouldn’t come back into our lives. And, I won’t lie to you—”
The Saint Page 19
