I look around and see Andy and Angie off to the side of the room looking at us with shock on their faces. I guess hearing that Anthony and I are… whatever we are, is more shocking to see in person than just hear about. I know that Anthony is still going to the gym every afternoon with his dad and Andy, Anthony said he told him. We both know telling Andy anything means you’re also telling Angie. If it weren’t for Angie being a lesbian, I would say they’re the perfect couple. We need to come up with a name for them. They can’t be hetero life mates when one is not hetero.
Big Papa is posted up on a stool in the corner. He looks intimidating and angry as he’s looking around at everyone. I can tell when he’s looking at Frankie because his gaze gets soft. When he takes in Anthony and I, his eyes practically dance with laughter. A lot of people can’t understand why Big Papa is a part of our group since he’s older than all of us and doesn’t seem like he should fit. The easiest way to explain it is that initially we needed someone to watch out for us, and he needed someone to watch out for. After a while though we ended up bonding, and he thinks of us as his girls. I have no doubt he’s pleased as punch about this development with Anthony.
After a few moments, the swinging door to the kitchen opens and Caro walks in pushing a rolling cart with a beautiful cake on it. Her leg is still in a brace holding it immobile, and I’m glad she has the cart to help her walk. The broken leg she suffered six months ago was worse than she let on at the time, it wasn’t a simple clean break, her leg was a mess. After several surgeries she was left with lots of scars and a limp she might never be able to get over. I’m not buying her story about breaking her leg in a simple slip and fall on subway stairs.
We’re not close enough for me to badger her for the truth, yet. I see Big Papa looking at her and can tell she’s making his instincts kick in, when he looks at me, I nod my head slowly indicating he should do his thing. From the corner of my eye, I see Andy frozen solid staring at the fragile blonde that looks like an angel, and wonder if he knows her. I shake off the distraction and focus back on the amazing confection in front of us.
The cake is round and about twice as tall as a normal cake, it’s covered in gorgeous white rosettes. Frankie and I couldn’t agree on any cute decorations for the cake, they either perpetuated gender roles we didn’t like or had nothing to do with Joe and Frankie.
“Ok guys thanks for coming. Time to find out that I was right all along and it’s a little princess to spoil,” Joe says as he picks up the knife and he and Frankie make two cuts into the cake. He leans down and sweetly kisses her forehead before sliding the knife under the slice and pulling it out to reveal five ombre layers of blue cake.
“It’s a boy!” Frankie yells before turning in Joe’s arms to face him. “We’re having a baby boy Joe,” she says softly before bursting into tears and shoving her face into Joe’s chest. He wraps his arms around her and leans his head down on top of hers with his eyes closed. I look to make sure the photographer I hired is catching it and see her crouched between the table snapping away.
The next hour is spent with everyone congratulating the happy couple and joking about what they’re in for with a son like them. Joe is being cordial but keeping an eye on Big Tony, so I can relax about that, for today at least. Anthony has been within touching distance of me the entire time, if he doesn’t have his arm around me, he’s standing slightly behind me off to the side, so he can make sure no one inadvertently touches my back. I know he has Big Papa’s seal of approval after today.
I didn’t get any clarification on Anthony and I’s relationship, but I did finally learn what title he prefers. I was introducing him to a friend and awkwardly paused not sure what to call him, he spoke up growling that he was my man. Now we’re in the truck heading to Anthony’s house since I’m an idiot and listened to my best friend, she just better have a freezer full of ice cream ready to deal with whatever the fallout of tonight is. I don’t know what will go wrong, just that something will.
18
Lindsay
I start the morning standing at the counter in Anthony’s kitchen, staring at the coffee pot, willing the coffee to brew faster. I couldn’t relax enough to get to sleep last night. I figured it would be an issue but hoped I could relax enough to get at least a couple of hours of sleep. Every time I started to drop off I would hear a new noise and jerk awake. Also, the quiet was freaking me out. There’s no traffic noises and all the other assorted noise we are accustomed to in the city.
I can feel the sucking feeling that means I am in desperate need of caffeine or twelve hours of sleep. I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand and am sinking fast. Everything feels slowed down and blurry. I hate exhaustion. Anthony’s coffee machine insists on taunting me and brewing one drop of coffee at a time.
I jolt when I feel something push against the side of my knees. I look down and see Boomer staring up at me with his big soulful eyes. I feel so bad because everytime I woke up last night he would pick his doggy head up and look around before going back to sleep. I should have just trusted in his senses, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Anxiety doesn’t run on logic.
I’m so hyper aware of everything that I can feel when Anthony walks into the room. I grab a second mug for him and put it on the counter next to mine. I can feel my body swaying with exhaustion and try to stop and hold still. I swear I can feel the air crackling with tension with every step Anthony takes towards me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks in a very soft and quiet voice. He’s acting like I’m some sort of wild animal that he’s afraid to spook. I somehow manage a miracle and choke back the hysterical laughter that thought causes, it’s not too far from the truth. I’m like a small scared animal, and I see everyone and everything as a threat right now. If he were to reach out right now, I might snap and bite his hand.
“Tell you what?” I decided to play ignorant and hope that he lets me get away with it. Maybe if we ignore the massive polka dotted elephant in the room, it will fade away. I hate trying to talk about my issues. I would rather just do something about a problem rather than talk it to death.
“That you wouldn’t be able to sleep. I feel horrible knowing I was sleeping peacefully next to you while you were suffering and I didn’t know. I would have tried to find a way to work with you so that you could relax and sleep,” he says quietly. The guilt in his voice is killing me.
“It’s my problem Anthony. I need to pull up my big girl panties and deal. Eventually, I’ll get used to the silence and weird noises of your house and be fine. I just need to adapt.” Finally, the coffee is done brewing, so, I start filling our cups with desperation born from need for coffee and to avoid this conversation. I can’t very well talk with a mouth full of the elixir of life, can I?
“You need to pull up your big girl panties and deal?” The anger in his voice has me stilling as I wonder if I finally pushed too far. I don’t blame him in the slightest. I’ve always known he deserves a girl better than I am. One who still has all of her marbles that he can be himself with. No one wants to watch everything they do and say to avoid making the crazy person crazy.
“Lemme ask you something Lindsay, if this were a veteran who came back from serving our country and had PTSD would you tell him just to suck it up and deal? Would you tell him that he can never have a happy, fulfilling relationship, so he should just give up?” The anger in his voice as he calmly shreds me, is destroying me. I’m so goddamned tired I can barely think straight, let alone, carry on with what I can tell will be a hell of an argument. I really hate being on the receiving end of a come to Jesus talk.
“No, of course not! That’s completely different though, his PTSD is a result of his service and sacrifice for his country. His is honorable, not weakness.” I force myself to walk to the little dining nook and sink down to one of the benches instead of curling up on the floor like I want to. I despise days like today when I’m so weak and depressed. If I could, I would go home and curl up in my window seat and slee
p for days, maybe when I wake up everything will be better and I can just go on with my life.
“Your PTSD is not a weakness, Lindsay. I’m fucking sick of you putting yourself down. If it were Frankie someone said this about, you would tear them apart and then burn and salt the ashes of their corpse. I don’t understand why you can’t see it. Your scars don’t show you as weak, they show how strong you are. They show that you’re a survivor and that you fought instead of giving up! You think I can’t see the scarring under the ink on your wrists? I know it’s rope burn scars from how hard you pulled trying to get free, to keep fighting instead of just giving up.”
I give up on any pretense of having it together and just give in to the tears. Wracking sobs shake my body as I completely lose it. I feel Anthony carefully take my coffee from my hands, and from the sound it makes, he put it on the table. I doubt I would be able to see anything even if I opened my eyes. I wish I could ignore my hearing and the words Anthony just used against me. If it were Frankie, someone would rue ever even thinking the words by the time I got done with them.
“Baby, your PTSD is just another scar but this one is on your psyche instead of your back. You shouldn’t be anymore ashamed of it than any of your other scars. It’s definitely not something I’m going to let you use to push me away. I finally got you to see us as a couple. I need to get you to see our future and I’ll be happy. I truthfully don’t care if your PTSD doesn’t get any better, I just don’t like you not telling me it’s an issue.” I manage to open my eyes and calm down enough I can see Anthony on his knees in front of me.
“Last night, if I knew, I could have dragged a TV into my room. We could have slept on the couch or I could have just tried to fuck you into unconsciousness. I think next time we should try the latter first. I was just mad that you didn’t tell me, I feel guilty that I woke up happy this morning about your scent on my sheets and it turns out you were miserable, so I was happy you were miserable which makes me a prick.” I eye how his knuckles have turned white with how hard he has his hands clenched. I am willing to bet he’s fighting the urge to hug me or touch me in some way, which makes me feel like a failure again. I’m so distracted with my self-loathing that I almost miss his use of the words next time.
“Wait, next time?” I lift my face to his face and closely eye his expression.
“Yes, next time. I refuse to be chased off. If you don’t want to stay here, we can stay at your place until you’re comfortable here. We will figure this out together, that’s the only thing that matters, that we’re together. I love you, Lindsay. I wasn’t going to tell you because I didn’t want to pressure you if you’re not ready to hear it yet, but I think you need to know how serious I am about us. I’ve been in love with you for six years. I can even tell you the exact moment I knew I loved you,” he admits with a happy peaceful expression on his face.
“Okay, I’ll bite. When did you know you loved me?” I ask him to buy more time. I need to think about what he said and try to figure out what it means for me. I need to look at all the angles and try to find the trapdoor I feel under my feet.
“Do you remember right before you and Frankie graduated, I visited you on campus at the Bell Tower? You were cheering on a squirrel that was running up the wall and made it to the very top. When it came back down, you fed it a french fry and were calling it Balthazar. That’s when I knew I loved you, before that I had seen you with Frankie but had never seen you laughing, in a non-mocking manner that is.” Anthony finishes with a big open smile on his face.
I don’t remember the exact day he was talking about, mostly because cheering Balthazar on for reaching the top of the Bell Tower was an almost everyday thing. Anthony was around a lot right before we graduated, to the point I thought there was something between him and Frankie before I realized she was like his little sister.
“Balthazar earned that french fry! I still can’t believe squirrels can climb up a cement wall with no cracks like that. Why haven’t you ever said anything?” I finally work up the courage to ask the question that has been bugging me. I know why I never allowed myself to go there with Anthony, I still don’t think I’m good enough for him, but that doesn’t explain why he hasn’t made a move until now.
“I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way about me, and would tell me to take a hike. I have rather had you in my life in any way I can than live without you. I also was afraid you would think I was just a big dumb muscle head. I know you’re smarter than me, and I’m totally cool with that, I just didn’t want to disappoint you,” he trails off and avoids making eye contact with me.
“I have no idea why you think you’re dumb Anthony. You’re one of the smartest people I know and you read more than any one person ever should be able to, and this is coming from me who reads almost a book a day. I also can’t believe you’ve stayed single since then, don’t think I didn’t figure that out, we’ll discuss that later.” I reach out with a shaking hand and push his hair back from where it fell forward into his face and take a deep breath for courage.
“I don’t understand love. The only love I’ve ever felt has come from Frankie, her family and now you. I don’t know when I’ll be able to give you the words you need, just know I care about you more than anyone but Frankie.” His eyes meet mine wide with shock, he knows how much Frankie means to me and can understand how much he means to me now. He leans forward and gently cups my cheeks before giving me a soft kiss that says more than words ever could.
19
Anthony
I look around the room and give a satisfied nod. I have black out curtains up to keep the room nice and dark. I have a television mounted to my wall, and the cable was run to it earlier this week. I pulled Frankie into my plan and had her go sheet shopping for me. I figured the textile junkie would be the perfect person to do it. Also, it gets her out of the house, I felt horrible when she waddled in to drop them off though. It’s only been a couple weeks since her party and I swear she’s twice as big as she was.
I shake off thoughts of how big Frankie’s baby belly is and focus back in on my room. I have the bed, now sporting gray egyptian cotton sheets, up on a platform on one side of the room. The walk in closet and simple white dressers are on the other side of the room. I already had the big striped rug that actually had gray in it so it matches the sheets. I got another one of the Echo Dots and put it on Lindsay’s nightstand. I even rigged the nightstand, and the one I always use, with the hole in the back to hide the power cords like she has in her apartment.
I think I have everything covered. I hope I can get Lindsay to get comfortable enough to sleep here. If she can’t then I’ll just sell the house, and we can find somewhere else that suits us both. I really hope that it isn’t the case; I really love this house. Plus it’s plenty big enough if we have any kids. I want to raise my kids outside of the city where they can play and enjoy nature.
When I realize where my thoughts are, I close my eyes and take a deep breath and try to calm down. I have almost everything I have ever wanted in my life right at my fingertips, I just need to remind myself not to be greedy and get ahead of myself. Dad’s health is better than I think it’s ever been, him and Maria are still seeing each other and I think he’s worried about not keeping up with her. He has taken to joining me at the gym every day when I go after work.
Work has never been an issue for me. When I was younger, I might have resented having to go into the family business and not picking my own career but I know I’m great at my job and it’s really secure. At this point I love what I do and have made a name for myself, doing it well. I have to chuckle to myself that I’m known for my meats.
The only piece missing from the puzzle is my girl and my own family. I’ve always known Lindsay was the girl for me, but having the past couple of months with her is better than I could have ever imagined. Her sense of humor and sharp wit keep me on my toes and from ever being bored. She needs to be in control of almost everything, but luckily knows she can’t cook so
I handle all of our cooking that Frankie and Joe don’t.
I’m fiercely glad her need for control doesn’t extend to the bedroom, I probably would have still gone along with it in order to have her but it’s definitely not my kink. I don’t even think I have a kink as far as I know, maybe Lindsay herself is my kink. I chuckle as I think about what she would have to say about that.
Lindsay is perfect for me. The woman doesn’t even complain on the days I don’t want to communicate verbally. She might pick on me for not doing the “talky talk thing” as she puts it, but I can tell it doesn’t really upset her. I look around the room one more time hoping that tonight we can pass the first hurdle and get her to sleep through the night here, but she’s definitely worth it if I do have to sell this place and move.
My house feels so quiet without Boomer following behind me. Even with as big as he is I normally don’t hear him lumbering, I hear his tags jingling behind me all day long. If I haven’t done his nails recently, I also hear them clicking on the floor. Lately, Lindsay has been talking me into bringing him into the city with me and dropping him off with her all day. Since it’s warm out, they’ve been leaving the doors to the individual floors open and letting him have run of the first three floors of the building.
He has taken to being the guard dog for the building. If anyone shows up to visit Lindsay in the office he meets them at the door and sits in her office by the desk. He also spends lots of time with Frankie in her apartment where she’s apparently designing clothes. The funniest is when he’s in Lindsay’s apartment with Duchess. He desperately wants to be friends with the finicky cat. She avoids him like the plague, unless he’s laying down, then decides she is his hat. More than once I’ve walked in to find her napping on his big head and him smiling a doggy grin in his sleep.
Big Meat (A Recipe of Love Book 2) Page 12
