“I don’t want to think about it, Allison. If I do I’ll get my hopes up. I refuse to do that. I’m just going to enjoy what I have while I have it. Nobody but you and I know I love Francis, nobody else needs to know, including Francis.”
“Okay, supposing everything you say is true. Supposing, he does find a ‘suitable bride’ as you call it. Then what happens to your friendship?”
“It would change things of course. We could never be as close as we are now, but at least we could still be friends without all that hangdog embarrassment between us.”
“You know you might find someone else before he does.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Cause I never had it so bad for anyone before. It just ain’t, sorry, isn’t gonna wear off anytime soon.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Girl, once you’ve had filet mignon it’s kinda hard to go back to spam. Lord almighty, I’m a fool. Listen to me go on like I ain’t got a lick of sense. But enough about my love life, what about you and Kent? You’re gonna be an old married lady soon. Too bad in a way. Here I’ve gotten used to us jogging of a morning and now you’re gonna move out. You mailed your invitations yet?”
“I hope to finish addressing the last of the envelopes tonight.”
“You said that last week. Kinda dragging your feet, ain’t ya? The wedding’s what?”
“Five weeks away.”
“I’m looking forward to it myself, especially the reception. It’ll be switch for me being on the other side of the bar at River Inn. I told my boss I’ll quit if they don’t treat you right.”
“Thanks for all your help with the reception plans. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Think nothing of it.”
“It’s time to head back,” Allison said looking at her watch. Together the two turned around and faced the looming turrets of Camelot. Vicky squinted just like Allison instructed her to do. The first time she saw Allison do it she asked if there was something wrong with her eyes. She said she always squinted when viewing Camelot from a distance. She tuned out the strip mall on the one side and the cornfield on the other and imagined she was in some far distant place and time. She imagined it was a real castle. But only Vicky was squinting today. When she looked at Allison she saw her eyes wide open with no imagined world of romance and adventure before her, only the stark reality of an apartment complex in the midst of suburban sprawl that was infecting everything, even Allison’s beloved Midwest.
“All right, Allison, I’ve been totally honest with you. Now it’s you’re turn.”
“What?”
“You know darn good and well what. You just aren’t acting like a bride to be or how a bride to be ought to act at any rate.”
“Just how is a bride to be supposed to act?”
“Excited, nervous, you know, upbeat. You’re supposed to be… happy. Don’t give me that old song and dance about the wedding plans just stressing you out so bad. The fact is I know happy when I see it and you ain’t happy.”
Allison’s eyes welled up with tears and she looked at her for the first time with total candor. “I just wish I loved Kent the way you love Frank.”
“We’re a pair, ain’t we? I’m in love with a man I can’t marry and you’re gonna marry a man you can’t love.”
“It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s just…”
“Allison, quit trying to make something right in your mind that just isn’t right in your heart.”
“I believe they call that rationalization.”
“ ‘Rationalization.’ Shoot, I don’t have my notebook with me. Oh, well, it’s like you’re trying to talk yourself into loving this dude just so you can go through with the wedding. But you aren’t married yet, Allison. You don’t have to go through with it.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Allison cried, covering her hands with her face. “The invitations are supposed to go out tomorrow.”
“They ain’t out yet. If you don’t love him, don’t marry him. You ain’t doing either one of you a favor. Don’t you think he deserves to find someone who loves him, I mean really loves him?”
“I never thought of it that way. I just don’t understand what happened. I used to love him, back in the beginning.”
“You were a kid then. You didn’t know shit from shinola. No offense, most teenagers don’t. You grew up. You changed. Both of you did.”
“You think I should end it? You really think I should end it? Oh, my gosh! It’ll kill him. He’ll hate me.”
“You ain’t that special, Allison. He’ll get over it. Better to end it now rather than five, ten years down the road with a couple of kids and a house you gotta split up and a mean ol’ divorce lawyer breathing down your neck for every last penny. Then he really will hate you. Think about it. All right?”
They were silent for a while as they entered the drive into Camelot.
“How late are you working tonight?” Allison asked her eyes focused straight ahead.
“Eleven. Why?”
“Come see me when you get home.”
“Kinda late for you ain’t it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen your lights on when I get home at night.”
“Tonight they will be. I’m going to tell him it’s over.”
“You sure now? Don’t just do this ‘cause I think you ought to?”
“I’m not. I’ve wanted to end it for the longest time. I’m just such a coward. You’re the first person who’s given me permission to do it. I’ve tried to talk to other people about it but everyone keeps telling me it’s just pre-nuptial jitters.
“Oh, my gosh, I’m actually going to do this. I’m scared to death! But at the same time I already feel free. Promise you’ll come see me.”
“I’ll be there, friend. And don’t worry, it’ll be all right. My grandma always said it’s senseless to worry. Everything comes out in the wash.”
When Vicky arrived home that night Sally’s door was wide open with the light on. Often times it was open or just slightly ajar, and always a light was on. Whatever the reason for this odd habit, whether it gave her a sense of security or a feeling of control, Sally knew when people came and went. There was no way up the stairs without passing her apartment. She knew when Vicky went upstairs to visit Frank and when he came downstairs to visit her. Vicky didn’t care, but she cared that possibly Frank cared. She feared that Sally’s speculations and rumors might run Frank off. But tonight she wasn’t going upstairs to see Frank.
Vicky knocked on Allison’s door and, to her surprise, Sally answered. Of course Sally already knew about Allison’s break-up with Kent and had come to comfort her. Sally stood at the door like a sentinel, the perfect barricade between Allison and any intrusion from the outside world.
Vicky craned her neck to see around Sally. There she spied Allison sitting at her dining room table with her head down, her shoulders shaking, a box of tissues at her elbow, several of them used and scattered about the table top like the debris from some natural disaster, the aftershock of which left her with silent sobs and barely audible sniffles.
“I’m guessing she went through with it,” Vicky said.
“You guessed right.”
“Is she all right?” Vicky asked.
“As good as can be expected under the circumstances.”
“I’m glad you were here for her, Sal,” Vicky said, meaning it quite sincerely. She thought how Sally’s nosiness had paid off in this situation. Allison needed someone with her and Sally, the interfering matriarch of Camelot Apartments, could also be the concerned and comforting mother presence when called upon. Vicky actually felt a kinship with Sally at this moment.
“C’mon in,” Sally said stepping aside and allowing Vicky to enter. “Here, let me take that,” Sally said taking the large brown grocery sack out of Vicky’s arms.
“Just a little something to ease the pain,” Vicky said as she handed Sally the sack. Sally looked insid
e and smiled.
Vicky went over to Allison, squatted at her side where she was seated and placed her hand gently on Allison’s back.
“Hey, are you okay?” she said gently. When Allison didn’t even raise her head she decided to try a different approach. “Congratulations, you’re a free woman,” Vicky said slapping her on the back. Allison laughed a little in the midst of her sniffles.
“Yeah, I did it,” Allison said finally lifting her head to reveal two bloodshot eyes and a damp face.
“Look at it this way; you don’t have to address those envelopes now. I can make you laugh, can’t I? After all, we’re not jogging.”
“And how about those thank you notes you don’t have to write,” Sally said.
“Thank you, ladies. Thanks for helping me put things in perspective,” Allison said smiling. It was the best kind of smile, Vicky thought, the kind she’d often seen at the bar, a smile that finally sees the humor behind the suffering and can laugh about it somehow, someway. It was the only thing that made heartbreak bearable and it was a miracle of sorts–a gift from the gods for the price of tears. Laughter in place of pain, better than any analgesic or even narcotic.
“See, you just gotta laugh, Al. Let it all out. That’s it!” Vicky said as Allison laughed then snorted then cried, laughter turning to sobs, turning back to laughter again, all mixed together with tears.
“The best part of it is I can quit my diet now,” Sally said.
“So can I,” Allison said.
“I have just the thing for those not worried about their weight,” Vicky said standing up.
“I put it on the kitchen counter,” Sally said motioning to the brown grocery sack.
Vicky retrieved the sack and set it on the dining room table. “An economy size bag of chips,” she said pulling the bag out of the sack and laying it before Allison as if it was precious loot. “Sour cream and onion dip.” She said lifting a pint size plastic container from the bag. “And a little something to wash it down with.” Vicky lifted a large bottle containing greenish, yellow liquid from the sack. “Sweet and Sour mix,” Vicky said presenting the bottle. Allison had already ripped open the bag of chips. Reaching once more into the grocery sack, Vicky pulled out two bottles. “Tequila and Triple Sec,” she said placing the two bottles down at the same time with a slight but deliberate bang.
“Oooh, looks like we’re going to have a party,” Sally said snapping her fingers, wiggling her hips, and la-la-ing along to the tune of “Tequila”.
“And…” Vicky said reaching into the bag, “just a little beer to give it that touch of something extra.” She pulled out a single bottle of beer. “And of course, what would margueritas be without lime and salt.” Vicky dipped into the bag one last time and pulled out two limes and a small baggie of salt. “I know they’re your favorite,” she said smiling at Allison. “Now if you’ll just loan me your blender and some ice I’ll get to work. But I must tell you I’m strictly bartender tonight. I can’t join you. I’m on the wagon for the present.”
“Whatever for?” Sally asked.
“Clean out my system from all them poisons. It’s Allison’s doing really,” Vicky said gathering up her bottles and bringing them over to the kitchen counter. “She’s got me on this cleaner living kick, got me taking all these vitamins.” With that she withdrew a cigarette from her purse, lit it, and inhaled deeply.
“But you’re still smoking?” Sally replied.
“Yeah, well, you gotta have some vice,” Vicky said burying her face in the cabinet above the stove where she retrieved Allison’s blender.
“Yeah, but smoking will kill you. It seems to me the healthier choice, if you’re going to give something up for health reasons that is, would be to give up the cigarettes.”
“I tell her that all the time,” Allison said her voice hoarse and strained with tears.
Vicky hid her face in that cabinet for a moment longer than necessary so that Sally wouldn’t see. She feared she might read something in her expression, that somehow she might see in her eyes the horror of waking up in the morning with absolutely no memory and that feeling of stark panic. Strange, but that awful feeling that came with the morning after a binge was the exact same feeling she awoke with morning after morning for several months after the car accident. It was sickness, shock, remorse, and dread all rolled into one giant knot in her stomach making her want to hide under the covers and not face anyone.
Would Sally be able to look underneath the surface into that great lurking terror which Vicky managed to keep hidden most times, the terror that somehow those demons of anger and recklessness would be unleashed if she lost control again. She remembered how she ran out and examined the pick up truck that morning.
“Hey, one vice at a time,” Vicky said. “Besides, it’s only temporary. Just long enough to get the poisons out.” How silly it was that she was afraid to let Sally see her face. She shrugged it off.
“I don’t want anything to drink, Vicky. Thanks anyway, but I just want to have a clear head right now,” Allison called out to Vicky in a tearful voice.
“Well, I don’t want to drink alone so you may as well not bother,” said Sally.
“Not a problem,” Vicky said with a sense of relief. She put the mixer back in the cabinet and stuck all of her bottles and things back in the grocery sack.
“What I really want is something chocolate,” Allison said crunching on a chip. “I’ve got salty I just need sweet to go along with it.” She took another chip out of the bag and stuck it in the white creamy dip.
“I’ve got some brownie mix back at my place,” Sally said.
“Go get it,” Allison and Vicky said in unison.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” said Sally.
“It’s all right, Sally ol’ girl. I’m gonna get your butt up at six a.m. and you’re gonna jog with us.”
“Six a.m.! You two jog at six a.m.!?” Sally exclaimed.
“Amazing you don’t know about it. But then I guess that isn’t within your watch hours, is it?” Vicky asked.
“What are you talking about?” Sally said indignantly with her dwarf-like hands on her hips.
“It’s about the only time your door’s closed and a light ain’t on. If somebody wants to do something in private around here they gotta do it between the hours of three and eight a.m.,” Vicky said.
“Not true!” protested Sally.
“Seriously, Sally, how many hours of sleep do you get a night? It can’t be more than four or five. No wonder you’re so manic. You’re sleep deprived.” said Allison.
“Yeah, you’re like a kid–afraid you’ll miss out on something if you go to sleep,” Vicky said.
Sally did what she always did when she was stymied–clucked her tongue and harrumphed. “I’m going to get the brownie mix now. Keep me informed on any new developments that might occur while I’m gone.”
“You got it. We wouldn’t want you to be in the dark, Sal,” said Allison as she exited. “And close the door behind you. Not everybody keeps their doors open around here.”
“That’s right. Were you raised in a barn, girl?” Vicky called out. Allison forced a sad little laugh
“Everything’s going to be okay, isn’t it?” Allison asked with that look of worry returning to her brow. “He’ll forgive me someday, won’t he?”
Vicky nodded slowly and reassuringly then she put her arms around Allison. “Everything’s going to be just fine. You’ll see. Kent will find someone who’s crazy about him and he’ll forget. And as for you, you’ll have a wedding someday and it will be wonderful because you’ll be marrying someone you’re crazy mad in love with. You’ll wear that beautiful dress and it’ll be the happiest day of you life. You’ll find the right guy soon. He’s waiting out there somewhere just like you, waiting and searching. Everything’s gonna be okay, darlin’, you’ll see,” Vicky said rocking her friend back and forth and shushing away her tears.
“Yoo hoo!” The voice of Sally rang out just moments late
r as she barged through Allison’s door without a knock. “I got it,” She said holding up the box of brownie mix with one hand and sounding somewhat winded. “I hope one of you has eggs.”
“I got eggs,” Allison said.
“Terrific,” Sally said with her wide, purple shadowed eyes, accentuated by the big frames of her glasses. “Let’s bake some brownies.”
They baked brownies together that night. They laughed a little, talked a little, Allison cried a lot, and they all ate too much. Vicky thought this is what women do for each other. They feed each other.
Chapter 23
She found the note under her door that morning.
Come see me tonight after you get off work.
I’ve got something to show you.
Love, Francis.
Sally’s door was ajar and her light was on when Vicky arrived home from work close to midnight. “Not again,” Vicky mumbled aloud in frustration. Things had been pleasantly quiet around Camelot building 3300 lately. Rumors about Frank and Vicky had died down. The focus was on Allison and her break-up with Kent just five weeks before their scheduled wedding date. But now Allison was getting on with her life and Sally would soon need something new to gossip about.
The question in Vicky’s mind was how to get to Frank’s place without walking past Sally’s door? There had to be some alternate route. It seemed the answer was right there, right on the cusp of being realized, something so obvious, but what? There had to be some way to get to his place from the outside, some way to climb up.
“What’s wrong with these modern apartment buildings,” Vicky said aloud to the wall as if someone might just emerge from behind it and answer the question, “how come they don’t put fire escapes on the outside anymore? It would solve my problem in a heart beat.” Her mind quickly raced through all possibilities until at last she stumbled upon the one so perfectly apparent, so serendipitous that she believed it had been placed right there for her and her purpose alone.
ODD NUMBERS Page 40
